Before we get to what an utter hot mess Neil Diamond Night was, let’s talk a bit about how gloriously bad my predictions have been this year. I think I’ve been wrong 712 straight times. Last year I batted .600 on the axe and slightly better on picking the Bottom Three’s. I picked the winner and the Top 3 four weeks into the finals. But this year, despite picking what is the presumptuous Top 2, I just can’t seem to get the week to week results right.
It wasn’t until Carly got kicked off last week that I realized what the problem is: I forgot that American Idol voters are idiots. They’re not voting based on merit, they’re voting based on a whole host of other reasons, like how pretty Jason Castro’s eyes are, the color of Syesha’s dress, how many times they went “squee” to David Fucking Archuleta. The voting has NOTHING to do with race, NOTHING to do with gender and especially NOTHING to do with levels of talent. The two Davids will be in the Finals, so who gets kicked off week to week doesn’t matter so much, but I’d still like to be right.
Looking at this week, Castro or Brooke should probably go home based on performance, but Syesha still has the smallest support base. So watch what Simon does: he pulls some reverse mojo, tells Syesha she’s gonna go home so all her fans will galvanize and vote for her, thus sending home the RIGHT person. Classic Cowell maneuver. When Simon wants to send someone home, he praises them, when he wants them to stay, he craps on them. He did this for weeks to get Sanjaya off, and it finally worked. Also did the trick for Phil Stacey, Haley Mercado, and Scott Savol. It’s like a more potent Sex Panther cologne, 85% of the time it works every time.
With this in mind, OF COURSE Carly went home last week. Her performance was so good that voters just assumed she’d stay in and neglected to vote for her. Remember, the voters are a bunch of idiots. And by “voters”, I mean “teens with too much time to text message, and no taste in music”.
Carly going home exposed the greater problem of this season. Besides Smithson, whose desperation was palpable, no one else seems to care if they get sent home. Too many former contestants have succeeded without winning. And while that’s a nice consolation, it has provoked the wrong reaction in this group of Idols. No one is playing to win; they’re just playing not to lose. I despise that. Castro was asleep for half the show last night, Brooke put on a backyard talent show and Archuleta is coasting worse than the 3rd season of LOST. Carly may not have been the best singer, but at least she TRIED to win.
This show is WON in the last few weeks, just ask Jordin (who overtook fan fav Melinda); did ANYONE appear to be working hard last night? Did anyone strike you as worried about their fate? What a bunch of slackers. I hate everything about this season.
And a flaming suckpit of douchebaggery for being the cause of this:
That movie is so bad it makes me want to fuck Tenacious D not at all gently with a chainsaw. And those are my thoughts on Neil Diamond.
Real quick before we get to the bloops: who the hell organized last night’s show? Who thought it was a good idea to do one full round of performances and then start over? Why not just give each of them two songs in a row? Wouldn’t that have given us a MUCH more insightful look at their abilities as a stage performer and challenged their presence and poise? Wouldn’t mini-concerts have also prevented the Paula Abdul train wreck (which was both utterly amazing and horrifying all at once, and not at all surprising), and help Ryan keep all the numbers and contestants straight? What, were they worried singing two songs in a row might blow out David Archuleta’ s precious lungs? A real missed opportunity here. I hope the Idol production staff gets yelled at, and by someone who knows how.
TheJay.com has partnered with IdolElimination.com to bring you a chance to predict the Next American Idol and win a $1 Million Grand Prize. Nestle Crunch, Baby Ruth, Butterfinger and 100 Grand are putting up the scratch to say you can’t. You gonna take that from a bunch of Hudson Hawk bad guy codenames? I didn’t think so! Go pwn the carbs out of those delicious candy bars by heading over to IdolElimination.com and filling out your weekly elimination brackets. Recognize!
As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!
Jason Castro – Whispered his entire first performance, who cares-ed his way through his second; dressed so sloppily Seth Rogen would have told him to shape up, and embarrassed himself with a living legend on his pre-tape (again). Why do people still find his bumbling bullshit cute? I agree he has a nice tone to his voice, and is pretty to look at in the way that a keebler elf is cute to look at, but how many more weeks do we have to watch him look like an idiot in front of the mentor (“Forever in Blue Jeans is about… denim. WHOA!”) before we realize he’s a Third World Country version of Jack Johnson (who wouldn’t be right for this competition either)? I am petrified of him ending up in the Final Three and inadvertently knocking out David Cook. Two hours of baked Castro making mellow yellow elevator muzak in the Kodak Theatre makes me yearn for simpler Taylor Hicks-ian times.
David Cook – Far and away the best performer of the season. Without peer (anymore), the most controlled, talented vocalist. Almost by default, the most well put together of the Season Seven Idols. His consistence is admirable, his song choices are brave and his emotional investment in each performance, regardless of his familiarity with the material or personal connection to the lyrics is professional to such a degree that everyone one else might as well be Phoebe Buffay hassling customers at Central Perk for not paying attention to the third verse of “Smelly Cat”. He WILL be a star, no matter how he finishes this competition, but I hope he doesn’t let that fact stop him from putting on a great show for the final month.
Brooke White – Might potentially be crazier than Paula Abdul. Girl KNOWS better than to pull that “Daydream Believer” crap. Jeebus, that performance was scarier than my nightmares. Shrill and thin, a vacant smile plastered on her face, no musicality in any moment of the song. Why did we keep her around if this is what we’re going to get? At least KLC did that shit with some attitude (and looked better doing it). Did you see Simon’s face when they cut to him during her first song? He could not have looked more bored. Telling, that. Yes, the second performance was good, but haven’t we seen enough of her low rent Vanessa Carlton bullshit? Brooke is either playing TO lose, or has no understanding of how American Idol, and the music industry as a whole, works. Either way she needs a long nap and a ticket off this bullshit season.
David Archuleta – There should be a rule that states: no one is allowed to “Sweet Caroline” unless they’ve previously sung the song stone drunk at a party at 3am. Otherwise they just can’t understand the majesty of the song. He didn’t even do the BA PA PA! And Archie singing “America” is like a gagorama juiced to eleven. Pulling that attention grabbing bullshit was annoying when KLC did it, but it’s downright revolting when Archuleta does it. Guys, I think I hate him. He hasn’t said one entertaining thing all season, performs down to the level of other contestants, puts the emphasis on ALL the wrong lyrical syllables and patently REFUSES to give up his performance tics (even when told point blank to do so). There is nothing interesting about him. And I’m less and less impressed by his once mighty voice. Disney can have him.
Syesha Mercado – I feel the need to point out that when Randy says “I like you in this box, this is your box”, that that’s an insult. He’s saying that Syesha sucks as a pop singer. Being the PERFECT musical theatre nerd is fine, but this isn’t Broadway Idol, it’s American Idol, and Syesha is supposed to be able to sing everything and make it sound like gold. This is exactly what happened to Phil Stacey last year: seven weeks of fumbling around till he realized he was a country singer who was better suited for Nashville Star. Too bad too, because I honestly liked Syesha last night, to the point where I can envision her beating out Jason and Brooke and be totally happy with it. I flat out LOVED her second performance. Shoeless and clapping in rythym will get you far with me. For the first time all season I didn’t nod off during her set.
Owing to the recent “controversy” of tween queen / IMAX box office champion / 1992 Champion Embarrassed Child / monolith Miley Cyrus showing her back for a photo spread in the high-class glossy Vanity Fair (whose readership, I’m sure, includes at least tens of children), Cyrus’ true legal guardian, The Walt Disney Company, has enacted a new slate of rules that will serve to stave off any further photo faux pas for their superstar merchandise hocker.
Any deviation from these rules will result in the publication or photographer at fault being shunned from The Happiest Place On Earth and relegated to taking insignificant set photos on the 4th season of Ned’s Declassified (Who? Exactly!).
Let this be a lesson to all world class photographers whose elegant photo ideas are approved by Miley and her people but then subsequently lambasted by bored Conservative groups fully aware that her fanbase would have NEVER seen these pictures had no one said anything about them, but need to raise a stink about SOMEthing, and insulting Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t worth getting out of bed for anymore. Your attempts to elevate Miley Cyrus into a talent worthy of being called an artist WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!
(Why is everyone so up in arms about a picture of her back when the real problem is that her makeup makes her face look like an inedible Denver omelette? Or at the very least, a homeless person’s Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice. I thought tween stars were supposed to be vaguely hot, so Dad’s will buy her crap for their kids as a means for justifying looking at her? Isn’t that how that square-shaped minx Hilary Duff did it? And besides, hello, Miley is on record stating how much fun she had shooting the picture, so what’s the big deal? She’s not even showing any sideboob! Controversy? More like NOTroversy.)
THE NEW RULES FOR PHOTOGRAPHING MILEY CYRUS
Miley can no longer be photographed by middle aged lesbians, even if they happen to be critically acclaimed or world renowned, or by middle aged men, even if they happen to be The Dude.
Miley Cyrus is a true patriot, who would never do anything that would appear untoward to wholesome American values. Therefore, Miley is only to be photographed with AMERICAN stuff in the picture. She no longer recognizes any sovereign nation but her own. … unless that nation buys a lot of her records.
The only parts of Miley’s body allowed to be seen by a camera are: her face, her front neck, her hands, her spirit fingers, her shins (but not oiled up), half of her knees, and her belly button (because THAT’s not salacious) (… and it sells records).
Miley can no longer be photographed with the following people: Paris Hilton (bad influence), Hayden Panetierre (instigator), The Olsen Twins (aliens), Lindsay Lohan (no pictures with overly tan grandmas, it confuses the audience base), Zac Efron (too much tween-ness in one picture could cause global thermo-nuclear war), and Hilary Duff (could potentially give Miley the escape plans Duff used to get out of the Lizzie Maguire contract)
Miley can no longer be photographed scowling. Scowling is considered sexy, and Miley doesn’t do sexy. She hasn’t even been told yet what sex is yet. Maybe when she’s 25.
Miley will only do photo spreads for publications that have the following words in their title: Tiger, Pop, Kid, Prom, Beat, 17, Disney, Awesome, and OMFG (Disney is not sure what that means, but ALL the kids are saying it, so it must be OK).
Miley can NOT be photographed wearing eyeliner. Eyeliner is for whores and lame emo-rock stars. Disney has not yet decided which one of those they’re going to turn her into.
Miley can only be photographed wearing clothes that zip, button or velcro. Anything that has straps is strictly forbidden (unless they are of spaghetti in origin).
In every picture taken of Miley, an innocent sparkle MUST be digitally inserted into each of her eyes. Even if on the day of the photo shoot her eyes are deader than David Archuleta discussing his interest in girls with Ryan Seacrest.
Let’s just make this easier and say that Miley will no longer be taking any new photographs. If you’d like her to appear in your magazine you can do it one of two ways. First, by paying paparazzi to take a candid shot of her eating a messy cheeseburger, but not if she’s licking special sauce off of her fingers. Or Second, by using this photo:
Feel free to change the background color. But only to pink. Or off pink. Or red, white and blue. Disney is really pretty flexible about this whole thing.
OK, first off, let me just say this, so we can all be on the same page: I did not do this. Yes, it’s my symbol, and I do happen to be quite proud of it, but I did not burn it into the building. I’m not The Crow, I don’t need that type of attention. Nor, I might add, do I have that type of time. You know what it takes to create a controlled, shaped burn like that? A team of guys. Working in tandem and managed by a specialist. And as you may have noticed, it’s just me and the car.
Hell, none of you people even like me, so destroying a public building would be a pretty stupid thing for me to do, don’t you think? I may be certifiable, running around in black leather and fighting crime and all, but what I’m not, is stupid. Kinda sweaty under here, for sure, but ignorant to the mood of the people, absolutely not.
Secondly, if there’s any way we can take care of this without involving my insurance, that would be great. I don’t exactly have my info on me; haven’t quite figured out where to put the insurance card on my belt here. Just isn’t enough pouches to go around, you understand.
But more importantly, I just can’t take the hit on my premium. You should SEE the liability fee I have to pay every month, and let’s not even GO INTO my uninsured motorist deductible! You’d think the Geico lizard would be more amenable to a fellow creature, but that green bitch is strict!
Look, I get that you blame me for this. Had I not done the Batman thing there wouldn’t even BE a Batman symbol to burn into buildings, and we wouldn’t be here, blah blah blah. But I hasten to add that without me around, you’d still be dealing with crazed supervillians and your only protection would be the inept, utterly corrupt Gotham PD. So, really, a teensy bit of cooperation would really be appreciated.
Can we work out a payment plan of some sort? I’m good for it, I promise you. Maybe I could give you a weekly sum of cash? Or, I could provide some sort of public service? Like increased patrolling in the area. Or a promise that the next time I save the city from being poisoned by a terrorist group I’ll try not to derail the city’s most valuable transportation system, thus causing your morning commute to triple in length? Sound good?
Maybe I could paint something? I’m surprisingly good with a paint roller.
Alright, let’s just all calm down and figure this out. I get that you’re upset. I’m upset too! There’s so much I’d rather be doing right now than dealing with this. Like, sharpening my batarangs, or stopping purse snatchers or kicking a homeless guy. But I’m not the bad guy here. Sure, I’ve destroyed a lot of city property. And maybe my presence HAS served to increase crime in Gotham, a bit. Yeah, I may have side-swiped a few cars and clipped a pedestrian or two, but c’mon! There was a psychotic therapist wearing a burlap sack that I needed to catch. And then there were these ninjas that showed up…
What? NO! I’m not lying! There really were ninjas! Seriously people, if I was gonna make up something, wouldn’t I just blame it on the mob, or you know, on Scientologists? As you do. I certainly wouldn’t try to put Ninjas on the table! Be real.
We’re getting away from the point. Which is that I did not do this to the building. In fact, I’m pretty sure it was this psycho with green hair and Cure makeup on who’s kinda smiley all the time. No, it wasn’t a clown! He’s a bad guy! I’m telling you! Ugh. You know what? Just ask the DA, he knows what I’m talking about.
So… we’re cool now? No one’s mad? Yeah? Excellent! Then, I’ll totally swing by next week with the money. Promise!
By now you’ve most likely seen the racy Gossip Girl ad campaign displayed to the right. Conservative watchdogs barked like mad when the campaign first appeared in magazines and on bus stops nationwide. How dare the show allude to the fact that kids have sex! Like, WTF? And use an obnoxious code language only understandable by those under 18 (and who are totes lazy idiots)! ROTFLMAO, for real!
Teens, on the other hand, loved them. This is their world: high sexual drama and hyper-creative language creation. The ads perfectly encapsulates everything that makes the show attractive to young viewers: pretty people with pretty problems texting each other on pretty cell phones.
The controversial (and grammatically challenged) ads are already proving valuable. The show has already been picked up for another season. Gossip Girl is so insanely popular amongst the cyber set that The CW has stopped letting people view episodes online in an attempt to force them to watch the live shows. Faux-GG’s are popping up everywhere (we might be a stolen WiFi connection away from the return of Hard Harry); hell, Gawker practically owes their Google Page Rank to the massive number of random NYC’ers fanatically texting in celebrity encounters. Obviously, this trend is not going away.
Since Hollywood is nothing if not derivative, it’s only a matter of time before other primetime shows begin cannibalizing the Gossip Girl-created abbrevation marketing technique. In fact, I can picture those ads right now…
Other TV Shows Trying the Abbreviation Marketing Campaign:
Even though when I’m not playing Celebrity Smackdown online I make my creative way penning acerbic stage plays, I was not at all up for Broadway Night. I had no interest in seeing young popstar wannabes attempting showtunes, especially maudlin ones. And I have extra zero love for Andrew Lord Webber musicals. Cats did nothing for me, Phantom of the Opera was an exercise in “please don’t make me sit through that” (even the movie version with King Leonidas, Emmy Rossum and The Schumacher couldn’t rouse my interest), and Evita is only memorable for me because when I saw the movie in theatres I totally made out with my uber hot Swedish girlfriend Sonja for two hours. Don’t cry for me Argentina, the truth is I got to second base. Spoiler Alert: bangarang!
But damn if I wasn’t utterly blown away by the mentoring of Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. He was sincere with his advice, truly cared how his music was performed and didn’t hesitate to strike the Idols down when they acted like fools (cough Carly cough). His direction far surpassed any previous mentor; asking David to keep his eyes open, Brooke to stop and listen to the music, Carly to switch her song choice, and David to be less Nickelback and more sensual, were all smart, incisive notes. And who didn’t love him blanching at Castro’s dreads and subtly attempting to blow David Cook right there on stage. I hadn’t seen a mentor that horny for an Idol since Jennifer Lopez nearly Disclosure-d Blake Lewis.
As we get down to the end of the season I want to see the Idols stretch and take risks; while Broadway on its face doesn’t fly too much out of anyone’s comfort zone, it was kind of cool to see them undertake a completely different style of performing. Though would it have killed David Cook to wear a puffy shirt or Brooke a corset? Hell, Syesha dressed up as a lounge girl, we couldn’t get Castro to rock some face paint and kitty cat claws? And how dare Carly do Jesus Christ Superstar and dress as a hippie! She deserves to be in the Bottom Three simply for not rocking an unironic crown of thorns! If I don’t see all the Idols donning Phantom masks tomorrow, like the judges did tonight, I’m calling shenanigans on the whole theme.
TheJay.com has partnered with IdolElimination.com to bring you a chance to predict the Next American Idol and win a $1 Million Grand Prize. Nestle Crunch, Baby Ruth, Butterfinger and 100 Grand are putting up the scratch to say you can’t. You gonna take that from a bunch of Hudson Hawk bad guy codenames? I didn’t think so! Go pwn the carbs out of those delicious candy bars by heading over to IdolElimination.com and filling out your weekly elimination brackets. Recognize!
As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!
Brooke White – I feel like a parent who knows they need to tell their child what they did was bad, but worried the negative criticism would crush their soul and inevitably cost me untold thousand of dollars in therapy. EVERYthing about Brooke White tonight was bad. The way she stranded herself on the stool. The way her hair was crimped and fried to the point of Extra Crispy. The way she psyched herself out in the opening and made the band start over. Her phrasing, her pace, her intent, her purpose, all out of whack. When Paula can’t summon something nice to say about your performance… yikes. We’ve lost this nice lady. Let’s do her a favor and let her go home. (And contrary to what Brooke wants you to think, this was NOT her first time dropping a lyric or restarting a performance. I appreciate Simon coming to her defense, though Brooke shouldn’t have called attention to it in the first place. But I’m giving her a mulligan, cause really, the most emotion girl in Idol history on the verge of a Mariah Carey on TRL crash, having to perform heart wrenching Musical Theatre? Yeah, she gets some leeway.)
Syesha Mercado – She waited until Broadway Night to finally show us her “personality”? After two months of lying low and putting us to sleep? Um, yeah, nice strategy there, Snoreysha! Especially when the personality you showed on stage was as technically perfect and charisma-devoid as any performance you’ve given this season. Did I miss something? Was there a chorus where you suddenly had wild eyes? Or a refrain where you juggled? Did you pull of your face, Mission: Impossible style and become Fantasia Barrino (in slo-motion)? Cause it appeared as if you just sang a song and wore a tight dress. But hey, at least you looked great, cause you soundezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Jason Castro – Nothing was going to surprise me about Jason this week. And I have to give him a ton of slack. After all, 4/20 was less than 48 hours ago; it’s his personal Christmas. He’s probably still in celebratory crazy baked-mode. When Lord Andrew told him the song was from a musical about Cats, I half expected Jason to go: “Whoa, like… kitty cats? I can has cheezburger?” About the performance? Awful song choice. You can’t hackysack your way through the most famous song in Broadway history. Was it brave? Sure. Was it fumbly, mouth-breathy and stunted? Totes. But like I said, the man gets some slack. He probably thought he was singing live on The Simpsons tonight. Can someone please blow him where the pampers is? (PCU reference, that. Just FYI.)
David Archuleta – The producers are practically gift wrapping this season for Archie. Broadway night is built for him. His voice is DESIGNED to be backed by an orchestra. His runs tease the composition and his big notes get backed by the soaring melody. Even when he swallows his words (which he did often tonight) the music keeps his performance afloat. You almost don’t notice the lack of affectation. Simon was right, it was a pleasant performance that will absolutely get him through to the next round, but not at all memorable. He seemed distracted trying to keep his eyes open, as the Lord commanded him to do, to the point where he appeared either bored or constipated. If I don’t see him sing an up-tempo, non-schmaltzy song before the season is over I can’t, in good conscience, say he deserves to be competing for the title.
Carly Smithson – Thank G-d we got at least one performance where the Idol wasn’t sitting on a stool or bolted to their stage mark. With the hippie dress, the bombastic song choice (Lord Andrew is a genius for pushing her to ditch the maudlin Phantom ballad) and the rollicking vocal, Carly unleashed an old school Tina Turner performance. And I quite liked it. Carly was never gonna pull of Musical Theatre, which makes her song choice the KLC strategerie win of the night. Hers was also the only arrangement that moved the music into a pop realm; if I closed my eyes I would have no idea it was Broadway Night (which is a good thing). That was a breath of fresh air after three straight boring ballads. And pulling out the “Simon Love Me (this week)” was a nice encore of KLC-strategerie awesomeness. Ryan wasn’t amused (the only thing in the world that scares Seacrest is a show that’s running long. I’s his Keyser Soze), but I was. Been a long time since I could say that about Carly Smithson.
David Cook – A controlled, utterly professional performance, rightly chosen to close the night. I liked the sincerity, the investment and the emotion. Would I have preferred he crush another Mariah Carey song or whip out his guitar and pwn Lionel Ritchie again? Of course, but as Simon said, he made the most of the song. Wasn’t a huge fan of the lame sash hanging from his belt, but when his hair looks as good as it does, his stubble is on lockdown and he gives Ryan Seacrest all the room in the world to hang himself with, I have nothing to complain about. How Randy thinks Archie is a better American Idol than David Cook, I’ll never know.
Jason Castro – Whispered his entire first performance, who cares-ed his way through his second; dressed so sloppily Seth Rogen would have told him to shape up, and embarrassed himself with a living legend on his pre-tape (again). Why do people still find his bumbling bullshit cute? I agree he has a nice tone to his voice, and is pretty to look at in the way that a keebler elf is cute to look at, but how many more weeks do we have to watch him look like an idiot in front of the mentor (“Forever in Blue Jeans is about… denim. WHOA!”) before we realize he’s a Third World Country version of Jack Johnson (who wouldn’t be right for this competition either)? I am petrified of him ending up in the Final Three and inadvertently knocking out David Cook. Two hours of baked Castro making mellow yellow elevator muzak in the Kodak Theatre makes me yearn for simpler Taylor Hicks-ian times. 
TRIPLE BLOOP
David Cook – Far and away the best performer of the season. Without peer (anymore), the most controlled, talented vocalist. Almost by default, the most well put together of the Season Seven Idols. His consistence is admirable, his song choices are brave and his emotional investment in each performance, regardless of his familiarity with the material or personal connection to the lyrics is professional to such a degree that everyone one else might as well be Phoebe Buffay hassling customers at Central Perk for not paying attention to the third verse of “Smelly Cat”. He WILL be a star, no matter how he finishes this competition, but I hope he doesn’t let that fact stop him from putting on a great show for the final month. 
SINGLE BLOOP
Brooke White – Might potentially be crazier than Paula Abdul. Girl KNOWS better than to pull that “Daydream Believer” crap. Jeebus, that performance was scarier than my nightmares. Shrill and thin, a vacant smile plastered on her face, no musicality in any moment of the song. Why did we keep her around if this is what we’re going to get? At least KLC did that shit with some attitude (and looked better doing it). Did you see Simon’s face when they cut to him during her first song? He could not have looked more bored. Telling, that. Yes, the second performance was good, but haven’t we seen enough of her low rent Vanessa Carlton bullshit? Brooke is either playing TO lose, or has no understanding of how American Idol, and the music industry as a whole, works. Either way she needs a long nap and a ticket off this bullshit season.
DOUBLE BLOOP
David Archuleta – There should be a rule that states: no one is allowed to “Sweet Caroline” unless they’ve previously sung the song stone drunk at a party at 3am. Otherwise they just can’t understand the majesty of the song. He didn’t even do the BA PA PA! And Archie singing “America” is like a gagorama juiced to eleven. Pulling that attention grabbing bullshit was annoying when KLC did it, but it’s downright revolting when Archuleta does it. Guys, I think I hate him. He hasn’t said one entertaining thing all season, performs down to the level of other contestants, puts the emphasis on ALL the wrong lyrical syllables and patently REFUSES to give up his performance tics (even when told point blank to do so). There is nothing interesting about him. And I’m less and less impressed by his once mighty voice. Disney can have him.
Syesha Mercado – I feel the need to point out that when Randy says “I like you in this box, this is your box”, that that’s an insult. He’s saying that Syesha sucks as a pop singer. Being the PERFECT musical theatre nerd is fine, but this isn’t Broadway Idol, it’s American Idol, and Syesha is supposed to be able to sing everything and make it sound like gold. This is exactly what happened to Phil Stacey last year: seven weeks of fumbling around till he realized he was a country singer who was better suited for Nashville Star. Too bad too, because I honestly liked Syesha last night, to the point where I can envision her beating out Jason and Brooke and be totally happy with it. I flat out LOVED her second performance. Shoeless and clapping in rythym will get you far with me. For the first time all season I didn’t nod off during her set. 
Owing to the recent “
By now you’ve most likely seen the racy Gossip Girl ad campaign displayed to the right. Conservative watchdogs barked like mad when the campaign first appeared in magazines and on bus stops nationwide. How dare the show allude to the fact that kids have sex! Like, WTF? And use an obnoxious code language only understandable by those under 18 (and who are totes lazy idiots)! ROTFLMAO, for real! 
Brooke White – I feel like a parent who knows they need to tell their child what they did was bad, but worried the negative criticism would crush their soul and inevitably cost me untold thousand of dollars in therapy. EVERYthing about Brooke White tonight was bad. The way she stranded herself on the stool. The way her hair was crimped and fried to the point of Extra Crispy. The way she psyched herself out in the opening and made the band start over. Her phrasing, her pace, her intent, her purpose, all out of whack. When Paula can’t summon something nice to say about your performance… yikes. We’ve lost this nice lady. Let’s do her a favor and let her go home. (And contrary to what Brooke wants you to think, this was NOT her first time dropping a lyric or restarting a performance. I appreciate Simon coming to her defense, though Brooke shouldn’t have called attention to it in the first place. But I’m giving her a mulligan, cause really, the most emotion girl in Idol history on the verge of a Mariah Carey on TRL crash, having to perform heart wrenching Musical Theatre? Yeah, she gets some leeway.)
Syesha Mercado – She waited until Broadway Night to finally show us her “personality”? After two months of lying low and putting us to sleep? Um, yeah, nice strategy there, Snoreysha! Especially when the personality you showed on stage was as technically perfect and charisma-devoid as any performance you’ve given this season. Did I miss something? Was there a chorus where you suddenly had wild eyes? Or a refrain where you juggled? Did you pull of your face, Mission: Impossible style and become Fantasia Barrino (in slo-motion)? Cause it appeared as if you just sang a song and wore a tight dress. But hey, at least you looked great, cause you soundezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
David Archuleta – The producers are practically gift wrapping this season for Archie. Broadway night is built for him. His voice is DESIGNED to be backed by an orchestra. His runs tease the composition and his big notes get backed by the soaring melody. Even when he swallows his words (which he did often tonight) the music keeps his performance afloat. You almost don’t notice the lack of affectation. Simon was right, it was a pleasant performance that will absolutely get him through to the next round, but not at all memorable. He seemed distracted trying to keep his eyes open, as the Lord commanded him to do, to the point where he appeared either bored or constipated. If I don’t see him sing an up-tempo, non-schmaltzy song before the season is over I can’t, in good conscience, say he deserves to be competing for the title.
