When you’re a kid and your Mom says not to make faces because they might stay that way, you never want to believe her. You ignore her telling you cracking your knuckles could give you arthritis. You jump right into the pool after lunch, against her wishes. You do your utmost to be stubborn and independent in the face of someone who genuinely cares about your well-being and has more experience in life. You so desperately want them to be wrong, so that you can be right.
And then one day they get it WAY right, and you get it WAY wrong.
When I first started TheJay.com my Mom was worried that making fun of celebrities could negatively affect my writing career in the long-term. “What happens if ten years from now some studio wants you to write a movie for Renee Zellweger and she looks up your blog? All those mean things you write are gonna catch up to you.” Yeah yeah yeah, Ma! Everything I write that isn’t obviously in jest, is backed up by fact. I use a pseudonym, and besides, it’s the Internet, no one cares!
Well… I was wrong. Somebody cares. And it just caught up with me.
My dislike for Reese Witherspoon is well-documented. Despite really liking her early on in her career, I’ve been one of her biggest detractors. The combination of rampant stories of her bitchiosity, the awful face she makes in the country road scene in Cruel Intentions and the air of superiority that drips off her caused my love for the Squirrel Nut Reese-r to disappear. And all that was left was mockery.
I just got a phone call from Leslie Sloane-Zelnik’s office (Reese’s publicist), and was told they had noticed the things I’ve been writing about Reese for the last year and a half. And while Reese can take a joke, and criticism of her work, my post about her child last month went too far. I likened Reese to the Wicked Witch of the West and her daughter Ava as the next of spawn. Apparently Elle Woods didn’t appreciate me going after her kid.
While they have no legal right to take my site down, as the post was a parody and thus protected under the 1st Amendment, it was made clear to me that it was in my best interest to make amends. They informed me that they have my actual name and contact information and would not lose sleep over making sure that Magazine Editors and TV Producers across town knew who I was and what I was writing about. So, in the interest of having any sort of professional writing career, it would behoove me to apologize to Reese. Which is what I am going to do right now.
Reese, I am sorry. I think you are a fine actress with an estimable resume of great films; I have no personal reason to dislike you, as you have done nothing at all to warrant my continued abuse. I admit, your personality rubs me the wrong way, but that is no reason for me to attack, or make fun of, your innocent (and quite adorable) daughter. As of this moment I promise not to write about you with anything less than a respectable and reverential manner. As a token of my regret, please accept this list of 20 Reasons Why I Like You and Your Work. I hope this helps in making things right between you and my website.
20- You are legitimately good in Election. You get bonus points for allowing this line into the script: “Her pussy gets so wet you can’t believe it.”
19- You should be praised simply for saying this line to Ross in your cameo on Friends: “And you, I throw myself at you and you still say no? How gay are *you*?” Seriously? Thank you for that line.
18- Somewhere in Hollywood, Ryan Phillippe just broke out into a cold sweat. Cause he’s a loser. Hey guy, Way of the Gun wasn’t THAT good! (OK, yeah, it was, and he’s awesome, but shut up, I’m trying here!)
17- Your squirrel chin is totes adores. I’m just jealous cause my chin looks like Gaston’s from Beauty and the Beast, only paler.
16- You kicked Paul Walker in the nuts in Pleasantville. Gotta love that.
15- You had the good grace to let Stephen Dorff kiss you multiple times in S.F.W. and not throw up on screen. It’s a courage many others do not possess.
14- I would bet you were a great comfort and support to Jake after Heath died. He needed that, and it’s nice to know you were there for him. Good on you.
13- You recognized the importance of going topless early in your career to establish a good Mr. Skin following, by doffing your top somewhat gloriously in Twilight. This might actually have been the role model for Katie Holmes’ nude scene in The Gift, now that I think about it. Bonus? Bonus!
12- Getting a 176 on the LSAT in Legally Blonde let me rip my law school-bound friends for not scoring better than you on their LSAT. Any fuel I can add to the “A-Train, yousa a bitch!” fire, is greatly appreciated.
11- You totally pwn Jack Bauer for 90 straight minutes in Freeway. Anyone don’t believe me? Check it (Where in the hell did THIS Reese Witherspoon go? I might not have ever needed to make this list had Freeway Reese stuck around): .
10- American Psycho. Awesome.
9- You chose not to end up with Patrick Dempsey and his smug, smug hair in Sweet Home Alabama. Anyone that sticks it to Dempsey’s Smug Hair is OK in my book (Though you lose points for picking Josh Lucas. Really, that guy? Could you not afford McConaughey?).
8- You turned down the lead role in Scream, which gave rise to the brunette Neve Campbell, which then subsequently gave onto this world the wonderment that is Anna Faris in Scary Movie, who is awesome in ways that cannot yet be determined by man, but the one they have figured out is that she SAVED Lost In Translation by showing us the horrible slash fantastic truth about Cameron Diaz. That was a long and windy road we just traveled, but the journey was definitely worth it for the final destination.
7- I mean, have you SEEN Just Like Heaven? A perfect romdram if there ever was one.
6- Don’t worry, I think Vince Vaughn is an unprofessional jackass, too!
5- Bravely risked your life kissing Mark Wahlberg in Fear. You could have very easily been swallowed whole. It was a big risk for a young actress. My hat is off to you.
4- You can rock a mean set of bangs. Not an easy task let me tell you. Rachel Bilson, you hear me, right?
3- The stories of you being a mega-bitch to so many people in the business? Probably just lies, made up by people who are jealous (like that vengeful Vince Vaughn)! I blame the interwebs!
2- Don’t tell anyone this, but I used to think you were crazy hot. Pre-approved hot. Lock my door at night hot. Especially in Cruel Intentions. Especially when you make that evil devil face in the country road scene.
1- April Fools, bitches!
I apologize for nothing! The hate continues!!!
(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)