Grading the American Idol Season Seven Top 9 On The TiVo Multi-Bloop Scale

Only one thing was made certain in this week’s performance night of American Idol: if the show ever gets canceled, Ryan Seacrest has a career in speed-reading, waiting for him. He could be the next micro-machines guy! I was flat out amazed how fast he was getting those numbers out, and horrified out how easily he dismissed the Idols. “Oh, Carly, did Simon just cross the line and call you ugly, fantastic, hereareCarly’snumbers1866IDOLS09don’tforgetthat’satollcallokgreatthankyouCarlyupnextisDavidARCHULETA!Batteriesnotincluded.” As overly-long as I feel the show usually is, I do believe it takes an amount of time to get through everything the audience wants to see, and those parts should not be rushed.

Where is the logic in extending the Wednesday night results show, ostensibly only ten minutes of interesting entertainment spread out over a full hour, and condensing the performance night into 67 minutes, when they need 80, at least? Nine singers left and they only get ninety seconds to perform? How does that math work? Forty-nine minute episode, not counting commercials, gives you three minutes per judging for a total of twenty-seven minutes of non-performance time. Why don’t they cut the lame video packages and give the Idols another 35 seconds each? It would have let Syesha stick to the Dolly version of “I Will Always Love You”, and given me another 35 seconds to ignore Kristy Lee Cook (a country singer worthless on Country NIGHT!). So there are some distinct advantages to making Ryan simma down na!

And besides, what were they rushing for, Hell’s Kitchen? Hey, Fox Executives, we’re here to watch the angry Brit that hates pop music, not the one who thinks the steak is too pink. Get a clue.

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

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TRIPLE BLOOP

Ramiele Malubay - As much as I love the cuteness, girl has got to go. She plays not to lose, which I abhor. At least with Kristy you know she’s trying, talent be damned. Ramiele never once looks like she wants to stomp on another contestant’s throat, which is necessary on a FOX Reality show. Carly would rip out Archuleta’s eyeballs if it meant staying another week. I wouldn’t put it past Ramiele to spend her downtime baking David Cook oatmeal cookies. You have to play to win the game! Ramiele plays to get her hair done. She lacks a star voice and star charisma; the stage literally swallows her up. She should take a cue from Brooke and surround herself with the band, it would make her seem bigger, and probably get her on the beat, which was her main problem last night.

Kristy Lee Cook - I’m not sure how exactly you go about bombing on Country Night when all you ARE is a Country singer, but after last week’s patriotic “I can’t believe she went THERE” begging, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by anything Captain Stage Deuce does. She was terrible, but for once I thought she looked pretty good, so she has that going for her, which is nice. I particularly liked her telling Dolly she’d rather impress her, than her mother. Way to score some gross brownie points in front of the living legend (who could really care less)! Hope it’s still worth it when your mother disowns your twitchy ass for embarrassing the family on national TV by sucking so hardcore. Maybe your horse can be your new mommy.

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DOUBLE BLOOP

Michael Johns - I can not take anyone seriously when they are wearing a neckerchief. Sorry, can’t do it. I actually thought he sounded great, really killed the last measure, but he loses a full bloop for the neckerchief. The only man who can rock one of those is Steven Tyler, and even then it’s only acceptable when Alicia Silverstone is involved (and giving Steven Dorff the finger). If Johns ever just quit the front man bullshit, especially the hand waving and the questionable dressing, I might actually like him. But I doubt that’s happening any time soon.

Jason Castro - This is about where I start to get bored of Jason Castro. I’m seeing new levels to mostly all the Idols, but with Jason the only addition he’s made is even uglier big note singing faces. I think he peaked with “Hallelujah” and has been down sliding ever since. Doing the French bit on Beatles night saved him then, as did singing an immensely popular Sting song last week. But I didn’t see anything this week that I hadn’t seen before, or that stood out enough to keep him from the Bottom 3. But none of that matters, because he’s safe for at least this week. As my roommate put it, “he’s getting postcards, Jay. Postcards!” Postcards.

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SINGLE BLOOP

Brooke White - I have to give it up to Brooke this week, she sounded great, looked great, chose the song I didn’t expect her to (Islands in the Stream was practically a gift wrap), and did the one thing I’ve been wanting her to do since she came into my life: take her criticism and shut her yapper. When she let Randy finish his thought and then said “thank you”, I almost plotzed. I literally dropped the dish I was holding. We had to pause the show so I could pick up the broken pieces. Her etiquette cost me a $1.49 plate from Target, but was well worth it. If she keeps bringing the polite, I may start rooting for her.

Carly Smithson - My roommate, who was totally on point with the observations this week, brought up a fascinating point about Carly, which may go a long way to figuring out why she’s such a divisive performer. She noticed that for Carly it’s all about the music, and never the words. She tries so hard to SOUND perfect – which she completely pulled off, girl sounded great – but you never get the sense that she’s paying attention to what she’s saying. The first line of her song was about getting dumped and she was smiling as she sang it. This is the complete opposite of Archuleta, who is a Peter Petrelli song lyric-empath. If he ever sang Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” he’d be in danger of drowning in his own tears.

David Archuleta - Speaking of the emotive one, I watched his performance twice and this is all I have to say about it: SSDD. Boy better flip the script and I mean right quick, because Cook just passed him and Brooke is breathing down his tiny neck. Not to mention Carly, who’s coming at him with a butcher knife and a look of sheer desperation (the kind David has when he looks into the crowd and sees his baseball-capped Stage Dad glaring at him. Run, David, Run!).

Syesha Mercado - I promised to write about her when she did something interesting, and she finally did. Everything Simon said about her performance was right on. I was skeptical of the African American woman singing the quintessential Whitney song, an Idol no no if there ever was one, but had to give it up to Syesha for having the stones to go there. She made the right decision to pull a Pfeiffer in Baker Boys and straddle the piano, standing alone on the stage would have been a death knell. The stage production helped, too, with the mega diva light change on the powerhouse note. And that last note? Whew, nailed it. As far as technique is concerned, she probably has the second best voice this season after Carly.

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NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

David Cook - He didn’t sound his best, didn’t perform with the best energy, and didn’t perform all that interesting a song. BUT… he finally cut his frakkin’ hair, and for that he earns my ever-lasting praise (and a No Bloop). This was the first time I saw him as a legit superstar. Who knew seeing a dude’s forehead could be so vital? But with the emergence of the new hair, owning up to stealing arrangements in his sit-down interview and performing his OWN (quality) arrangement last night, I am prepared to name him the odds on favorite to smite the all-powerful Archuleta and claim his throne as the next American Idol. Yeah, that happened.

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The Bottom Three: Ramiele Malubay, Kristy Lee Cook, Jason Castro

My prediction for who gets the axe: Ramiele Malubay

Bangarang!