I have a passionate dislike for Idol Gives Back Week. My thoughts on the charity special are well-documented (you can read them HERE), so I’m not gonna go on a rant about the jarring transition that is Simon crying over starving African children put next to a montage of B-list actors lip-synching to “Stayin Alive”. I’m just not going to do it. Instead I’ll tell you why the performance night before IGB is a terrible idea.

1. The Idols are over-worked and put in lackluster performances. David was practically comatose during his judgment round-up, Brooke was shaking like a child left up past her bedtime and David Cook looked like he was in dire need of an IV drip.

2. “Inspirational Song” Week is a touch too much schmaltz. We get it, this week is not about commerce and Coca Cola (except, yeah, still is), but do we need two straight nights of begging? Couldn’t we have a wee bit of fun?

3. Hell, why even HAVE a performance night this week? Why not just air the Idol Gives Back show and that’s it? The Idols get to rest up and not think about getting kicked off, and the audience doesn’t get overloaded on the show. I gotta sit through five hours of Idol this week just to see Syesha get the boot. That’s way too much.

4. The theme turns the performance night into Bizarro Idol. The heavy-hitters all take the night off, and as a result the crap contestants seem awesome by comparison. DialIdol.com has Cook and Carly as their Bottom 2 and KLC in the Top 3! Does this make sense to anyone? Would this result have come during any other week when the show doesn’t need their superstars to shine bright on their all-important benefit show? I say no.

I’m just gonna get through the blooping so I can start preparing to hold down my vomit for the three hour benefit bullshit tonight. But I swear, if I have to sit through another green screen celebrity karaoke montage I swear to jeebus I will Triple Bloop David Archuleta for the rest of the season on general principle. Yeah, that’s right!

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

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TRIPLE BLOOP

Michael Johns – What? Did I say? About? THE NECKERCHIEFS??? Is he trying to get me to put a “he should only get CANCER” Jewdoo curse on him? Why would he so blatantly disregard my sound advice, in order to look like an idiot for a second week in a row? I just don’t get it! And using the neckerchief in the service of spitting on THE BEST Aerosmith song of all time? Seriously, he should only get CANCER!be raked over the coals the same way any female singer is when they tackle Whitney, Mariah or Celine. The only reason he isn’t getting an unprecedented Quadruple Bloop this week is that his song choice allows me to link to the best sports montage of all time, set to Aerosmith’s “Dream On”. I get chills just THINKING of this video. Please enjoy the only positive thing to come out of Michael Johns’ performance this week:

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DOUBLE BLOOP

Carly Smithson – Here’s an idea: on the night before Idol Gives Back, when you’re supposed to sing something inspirational, maybe don’t be the only contestant to pick a depressing song. And be distracted while you do it. Yeah, I don’t know, might help. Glad to hear Simon apologize for going after Carly’s body last week (girl looked effin FAB this week), not glad to listen to such a dissonant performance. Was almost as inexplicable a song choice as Syesha. At this stage of the game, when the chum has been cast aside, what keeps the Idols alive week-to-week is choosing recognizable songs. Brooke was sub-par, but she’ll be fine because EVERYBODY knows that Carol King song. Does anyone in the world know what Carly sang? If she ends up getting kicked off this week (Bottom Three is a lock) that will be the reason.

Syesha Mercado - She violated two major Idol rules. 1. NEVER sing a song by an Idol winner, ESPECIALLY the one she sang WHEN SHE WON the show! 2. And if you do, DO NOT complain about getting compared to that performance. There was a 0.1% chance she comes off looking better than Fantasia. The judges LOVE Fantasia. Love her; probably more than Whitney. So if Syesha barely survived aping the all-time Whitney song last week, why in the world would she go after, not just the all-time Fantasia song, but the all-time Idol Winner song? Completely inexplicable! Regardless of her sounding technically perfect, she’s still going home this week. I admire her courage, shake my head at her ignorance, and look forward to the five minutes next week I won’t be bored out of my mind cause she’s not performing.

Brooke White – I have it in me to be mean to Brooke this week, but I’m not going to be, because I could plainly see that that performance was not her fault. Brooke is a sensitive girl. She’s such an empath Peter Petrelli loses HIS powers around her. So I can imagine how tough it must have been prepping for Idol Gives Back (a Brooke White weepy event par excellence) AND having to choose an Inspirational song to perform. It’s asking too much of such a kind (read: weak) soul. If Simon had said one mean thing at all, she might have disintegrated on stage. Ryan would have been dusting her off his platform Jimmy Choo’s. Thankfully, she sang a beloved song with just enough oomph so as to keep her safe. But next week, when the charity work is complete, my gloves are coming off. She goes near any more iconic flower power female vocalists and I’m gonna be like Drago at the Creed exhibition, “if she dies, she dies”.

David Cook – A little bit beggin. Just a little bit. I wouldn’t have written on my hand, I tend to think that’s a move done by someone who knows their performance was going to be less than, and is trying to shill for votes (with the added nechiness of writing “Give Back” the night before the Idol Gives Back show, like, hey guy, no ulterior motive there, huh?), but that’s just me. He also picked an unrecognizable song, mush-mouthed the opener, got overtaken by the back up singers during the chorus and walked into the crowd like a smug Constantine-wannabe. Was it me, or did he just seem… tired? Like he knew he was gonna be safe no matter what, so he took the week off? That has to be the explanation for the reprehensible white jacket, right? Anybody? Bueller?

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SINGLE BLOOP

Kristy Lee Cook – I firmly believe that when a perennial suckball does well, they should be rewarded. So to that end, congratulations Kristy, you did quite well. Picked the right song, sang it with confidence and you sang it well; for the third week in a row you did exactly what you need to stay in the race. There you go. Don’t say I never said anything nice about KLC. This will be the first week that she takes the seat of a truly superior performer, but the first time I thought she might deserve to stay. Still hate the face, still hate the pop-a-squat stance and still HATE HATE HATE her predilection for tacky, sparkly tops and uber-perm hair, but I’m happy to give credit where credit is due.

David Archuleta – Was there any doubt he was gonna pwn this week? Inspirational Song Week for David is like Ape A Rock Star Week for David Cook or Lilith Fair Week for Brooke White (or Drop A Duece Week for KLC). And how smart was Archie to pick a British pop song, knowing full well that Simon would be pre-disposed to loving it? I still think he’s coasting a bit too lazily, and am still braced for the inevitable Top 3 surprise ouster, but for this week, I was happy to sit back and be covered in pop schmaltz, once again, by The Arch.

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NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

Jason Castro – The apex, the nirvana, the height of Castro-dom. Sounded so nice it would put a colicky baby to sleep in a duece. Is he the best singer in the Top 8? No. Is he performing the most difficult songs? No. Will he go far in this competition because he knows his place so well? God, yes! This is the first time since “Hallelujah” that I didn’t think he was busking on the Venice Beach pier. Israel Kamakawiwo’s version of “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” is a seriously beautiful song. Jason Castro did it fine justice. I hope the spotlight on the Israel version bring some love to Meet Joe Black, the movie it was first used in. An underrated, beautiful film, with a brilliant score, an effervescent Claire Forlani perf, and a coffee shop meet cute that stands as one of my five favorite scenes in motion picture history. True story.

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The Bottom Three: Carly Smithson, Syesha Mercado, David Cook

My prediction for who gets the axe: Syesha Mercado

Bangarang!