Congratulations to all you way creepy older men out there who spent the last five years locking the basement door of your mom’s house and furiously downloading pictures of innocent, pre-approved hottie Emma Watson. Your years of wrist work, tissue burnination, glitter-y collage creation and overall general disgustingness in obsessing over an underage fantasy film actress has finally paid off!

Emma Watson turns 18 today.

She is officially legal. This means your Hermione Granger fetish, albeit still decidedly creepy, is now, in the eyes of the courts, completely above board. Yesterday you were but the overweight, pimply guy roaming the video store aisles in a plaid polo shirt that Moms all kept their kids away from, but today… TODAY, you are now just another overweight, pimply geek who happens to find Emma Watson attractive.

That’s an 8% decrease in creepiness!

It’s a celebration, bitches!!!

You no longer have this to fear:

Of course her being legal now probably makes her ruined for you, huh? Now that she’s just another 18 year-old, your gross fixation on her is probably déclassé in your mind. The same way Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Hayden Panetierre and The Olsen Twins came and went before her. If there’s grass on the field, play ball. But if the grass is 18? Time to switch fields.

Yeah, no reason to log into the “Erecto Patronum” chat rooms and cyber other overweight pimply dudes claiming to be 4th year Ravenclaw students, anymore. Writing Chapter 31 of your on-going fanfic series “Hermione and Ginny Show Each Other Their Gryffindor Pride”, is now pretty pointless. And forget drawing Napoleon Dynamite-style drawings of Emma’s pretty English face (It took you three hours to do the shading on her upper lip), who will see the non-irony in a 35 year-old greasy shut-in spending his ample leisure time on them?

Like Apollo said to Rocky, it’s just too bad we gotta keep getting older. The correct response: Just keep ogling tween actresses, Apollo!

And fear not my creepy online brethren; you still have three more years to drop some 2-ply Kleenex-destroying knowledge on that minx Miley Cyrus. So get those shrines ready, boys!

Bangarang! (And Happy Birthday Emma, From The Jay!)