Grading the American Idol Season Seven Top 6 On The TiVo Multi-Bloop Scale

Even though when I’m not playing Celebrity Smackdown online I make my creative way penning acerbic stage plays, I was not at all up for Broadway Night. I had no interest in seeing young popstar wannabes attempting showtunes, especially maudlin ones. And I have extra zero love for Andrew Lord Webber musicals. Cats did nothing for me, Phantom of the Opera was an exercise in “please don’t make me sit through that” (even the movie version with King Leonidas, Emmy Rossum and The Schumacher couldn’t rouse my interest), and Evita is only memorable for me because when I saw the movie in theatres I totally made out with my uber hot Swedish girlfriend Sonja for two hours. Don’t cry for me Argentina, the truth is I got to second base. Spoiler Alert: bangarang!

But damn if I wasn’t utterly blown away by the mentoring of Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. He was sincere with his advice, truly cared how his music was performed and didn’t hesitate to strike the Idols down when they acted like fools (cough Carly cough). His direction far surpassed any previous mentor; asking David to keep his eyes open, Brooke to stop and listen to the music, Carly to switch her song choice, and David to be less Nickelback and more sensual, were all smart, incisive notes. And who didn’t love him blanching at Castro’s dreads and subtly attempting to blow David Cook right there on stage. I hadn’t seen a mentor that horny for an Idol since Jennifer Lopez nearly Disclosure-d Blake Lewis.

As we get down to the end of the season I want to see the Idols stretch and take risks; while Broadway on its face doesn’t fly too much out of anyone’s comfort zone, it was kind of cool to see them undertake a completely different style of performing. Though would it have killed David Cook to wear a puffy shirt or Brooke a corset? Hell, Syesha dressed up as a lounge girl, we couldn’t get Castro to rock some face paint and kitty cat claws? And how dare Carly do Jesus Christ Superstar and dress as a hippie! She deserves to be in the Bottom Three simply for not rocking an unironic crown of thorns! If I don’t see all the Idols donning Phantom masks tomorrow, like the judges did tonight, I’m calling shenanigans on the whole theme.

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

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TRIPLE BLOOP

Brooke White – I feel like a parent who knows they need to tell their child what they did was bad, but worried the negative criticism would crush their soul and inevitably cost me untold thousand of dollars in therapy. EVERYthing about Brooke White tonight was bad. The way she stranded herself on the stool. The way her hair was crimped and fried to the point of Extra Crispy. The way she psyched herself out in the opening and made the band start over. Her phrasing, her pace, her intent, her purpose, all out of whack. When Paula can’t summon something nice to say about your performance… yikes. We’ve lost this nice lady. Let’s do her a favor and let her go home. (And contrary to what Brooke wants you to think, this was NOT her first time dropping a lyric or restarting a performance. I appreciate Simon coming to her defense, though Brooke shouldn’t have called attention to it in the first place. But I’m giving her a mulligan, cause really, the most emotion girl in Idol history on the verge of a Mariah Carey on TRL crash, having to perform heart wrenching Musical Theatre? Yeah, she gets some leeway.)

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DOUBLE BLOOP

Syesha Mercado – She waited until Broadway Night to finally show us her “personality”? After two months of lying low and putting us to sleep? Um, yeah, nice strategy there, Snoreysha! Especially when the personality you showed on stage was as technically perfect and charisma-devoid as any performance you’ve given this season. Did I miss something? Was there a chorus where you suddenly had wild eyes? Or a refrain where you juggled? Did you pull of your face, Mission: Impossible style and become Fantasia Barrino (in slo-motion)? Cause it appeared as if you just sang a song and wore a tight dress. But hey, at least you looked great, cause you soundezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Jason Castro – Nothing was going to surprise me about Jason this week. And I have to give him a ton of slack. After all, 4/20 was less than 48 hours ago; it’s his personal Christmas. He’s probably still in celebratory crazy baked-mode. When Lord Andrew told him the song was from a musical about Cats, I half expected Jason to go: “Whoa, like… kitty cats? I can has cheezburger?” About the performance? Awful song choice. You can’t hackysack your way through the most famous song in Broadway history. Was it brave? Sure. Was it fumbly, mouth-breathy and stunted? Totes. But like I said, the man gets some slack. He probably thought he was singing live on The Simpsons tonight. Can someone please blow him where the pampers is? (PCU reference, that. Just FYI.)

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SINGLE BLOOP

David Archuleta – The producers are practically gift wrapping this season for Archie. Broadway night is built for him. His voice is DESIGNED to be backed by an orchestra. His runs tease the composition and his big notes get backed by the soaring melody. Even when he swallows his words (which he did often tonight) the music keeps his performance afloat. You almost don’t notice the lack of affectation. Simon was right, it was a pleasant performance that will absolutely get him through to the next round, but not at all memorable. He seemed distracted trying to keep his eyes open, as the Lord commanded him to do, to the point where he appeared either bored or constipated. If I don’t see him sing an up-tempo, non-schmaltzy song before the season is over I can’t, in good conscience, say he deserves to be competing for the title.

Carly Smithson – Thank G-d we got at least one performance where the Idol wasn’t sitting on a stool or bolted to their stage mark. With the hippie dress, the bombastic song choice (Lord Andrew is a genius for pushing her to ditch the maudlin Phantom ballad) and the rollicking vocal, Carly unleashed an old school Tina Turner performance. And I quite liked it. Carly was never gonna pull of Musical Theatre, which makes her song choice the KLC strategerie win of the night. Hers was also the only arrangement that moved the music into a pop realm; if I closed my eyes I would have no idea it was Broadway Night (which is a good thing). That was a breath of fresh air after three straight boring ballads. And pulling out the “Simon Love Me (this week)” was a nice encore of KLC-strategerie awesomeness. Ryan wasn’t amused (the only thing in the world that scares Seacrest is a show that’s running long. I’s his Keyser Soze), but I was. Been a long time since I could say that about Carly Smithson.

David Cook – A controlled, utterly professional performance, rightly chosen to close the night. I liked the sincerity, the investment and the emotion. Would I have preferred he crush another Mariah Carey song or whip out his guitar and pwn Lionel Ritchie again? Of course, but as Simon said, he made the most of the song. Wasn’t a huge fan of the lame sash hanging from his belt, but when his hair looks as good as it does, his stubble is on lockdown and he gives Ryan Seacrest all the room in the world to hang himself with, I have nothing to complain about. How Randy thinks Archie is a better American Idol than David Cook, I’ll never know.

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NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

Nobody this week. Though Lord Andrew was pretty awesome singing/eyefucking to David.

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The Bottom Three: Brooke White, Carly Smithson, Jason Castro

My prediction for who gets the axe: Brooke White

Bangarang!