OK, first off, let me just say this, so we can all be on the same page: I did not do this. Yes, it’s my symbol, and I do happen to be quite proud of it, but I did not burn it into the building. I’m not The Crow, I don’t need that type of attention. Nor, I might add, do I have that type of time. You know what it takes to create a controlled, shaped burn like that? A team of guys. Working in tandem and managed by a specialist. And as you may have noticed, it’s just me and the car.

Hell, none of you people even like me, so destroying a public building would be a pretty stupid thing for me to do, don’t you think? I may be certifiable, running around in black leather and fighting crime and all, but what I’m not, is stupid. Kinda sweaty under here, for sure, but ignorant to the mood of the people, absolutely not.

Secondly, if there’s any way we can take care of this without involving my insurance, that would be great. I don’t exactly have my info on me; haven’t quite figured out where to put the insurance card on my belt here. Just isn’t enough pouches to go around, you understand.

But more importantly, I just can’t take the hit on my premium. You should SEE the liability fee I have to pay every month, and let’s not even GO INTO my uninsured motorist deductible! You’d think the Geico lizard would be more amenable to a fellow creature, but that green bitch is strict!

Look, I get that you blame me for this. Had I not done the Batman thing there wouldn’t even BE a Batman symbol to burn into buildings, and we wouldn’t be here, blah blah blah. But I hasten to add that without me around, you’d still be dealing with crazed supervillians and your only protection would be the inept, utterly corrupt Gotham PD. So, really, a teensy bit of cooperation would really be appreciated.

Can we work out a payment plan of some sort? I’m good for it, I promise you. Maybe I could give you a weekly sum of cash? Or, I could provide some sort of public service? Like increased patrolling in the area. Or a promise that the next time I save the city from being poisoned by a terrorist group I’ll try not to derail the city’s most valuable transportation system, thus causing your morning commute to triple in length? Sound good?

Maybe I could paint something? I’m surprisingly good with a paint roller.

Alright, let’s just all calm down and figure this out. I get that you’re upset. I’m upset too! There’s so much I’d rather be doing right now than dealing with this. Like, sharpening my batarangs, or stopping purse snatchers or kicking a homeless guy. But I’m not the bad guy here. Sure, I’ve destroyed a lot of city property. And maybe my presence HAS served to increase crime in Gotham, a bit. Yeah, I may have side-swiped a few cars and clipped a pedestrian or two, but c’mon! There was a psychotic therapist wearing a burlap sack that I needed to catch. And then there were these ninjas that showed up…

What? NO! I’m not lying! There really were ninjas! Seriously people, if I was gonna make up something, wouldn’t I just blame it on the mob, or you know, on Scientologists? As you do. I certainly wouldn’t try to put Ninjas on the table! Be real.

We’re getting away from the point. Which is that I did not do this to the building. In fact, I’m pretty sure it was this psycho with green hair and Cure makeup on who’s kinda smiley all the time. No, it wasn’t a clown! He’s a bad guy! I’m telling you! Ugh. You know what? Just ask the DA, he knows what I’m talking about.

So… we’re cool now? No one’s mad? Yeah? Excellent! Then, I’ll totally swing by next week with the money. Promise!

Batarang!