Grading the American Idol Season Seven Top 5 On The TiVo Multi-Bloop Scale

Before we get to what an utter hot mess Neil Diamond Night was, let’s talk a bit about how gloriously bad my predictions have been this year. I think I’ve been wrong 712 straight times. Last year I batted .600 on the axe and slightly better on picking the Bottom Three’s. I picked the winner and the Top 3 four weeks into the finals. But this year, despite picking what is the presumptuous Top 2, I just can’t seem to get the week to week results right.

It wasn’t until Carly got kicked off last week that I realized what the problem is: I forgot that American Idol voters are idiots. They’re not voting based on merit, they’re voting based on a whole host of other reasons, like how pretty Jason Castro’s eyes are, the color of Syesha’s dress, how many times they went “squee” to David Fucking Archuleta. The voting has NOTHING to do with race, NOTHING to do with gender and especially NOTHING to do with levels of talent. The two Davids will be in the Finals, so who gets kicked off week to week doesn’t matter so much, but I’d still like to be right.

Looking at this week, Castro or Brooke should probably go home based on performance, but Syesha still has the smallest support base. So watch what Simon does: he pulls some reverse mojo, tells Syesha she’s gonna go home so all her fans will galvanize and vote for her, thus sending home the RIGHT person. Classic Cowell maneuver. When Simon wants to send someone home, he praises them, when he wants them to stay, he craps on them. He did this for weeks to get Sanjaya off, and it finally worked. Also did the trick for Phil Stacey, Haley Mercado, and Scott Savol. It’s like a more potent Sex Panther cologne, 85% of the time it works every time.

With this in mind, OF COURSE Carly went home last week. Her performance was so good that voters just assumed she’d stay in and neglected to vote for her. Remember, the voters are a bunch of idiots. And by “voters”, I mean “teens with too much time to text message, and no taste in music”.

Carly going home exposed the greater problem of this season. Besides Smithson, whose desperation was palpable, no one else seems to care if they get sent home. Too many former contestants have succeeded without winning. And while that’s a nice consolation, it has provoked the wrong reaction in this group of Idols. No one is playing to win; they’re just playing not to lose. I despise that. Castro was asleep for half the show last night, Brooke put on a backyard talent show and Archuleta is coasting worse than the 3rd season of LOST. Carly may not have been the best singer, but at least she TRIED to win.

This show is WON in the last few weeks, just ask Jordin (who overtook fan fav Melinda); did ANYONE appear to be working hard last night? Did anyone strike you as worried about their fate? What a bunch of slackers. I hate everything about this season.

Anyway… Neil Diamond!

Neil Diamond is awesome for giving us this:

Will Ferrell: Niel Diamond VH1 Legends
And a flaming suckpit of douchebaggery for being the cause of this:

That movie is so bad it makes me want to fuck Tenacious D not at all gently with a chainsaw. And those are my thoughts on Neil Diamond.

Real quick before we get to the bloops: who the hell organized last night’s show? Who thought it was a good idea to do one full round of performances and then start over? Why not just give each of them two songs in a row? Wouldn’t that have given us a MUCH more insightful look at their abilities as a stage performer and challenged their presence and poise? Wouldn’t mini-concerts have also prevented the Paula Abdul train wreck (which was both utterly amazing and horrifying all at once, and not at all surprising), and help Ryan keep all the numbers and contestants straight? What, were they worried singing two songs in a row might blow out David Archuleta’ s precious lungs? A real missed opportunity here. I hope the Idol production staff gets yelled at, and by someone who knows how.

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

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Jason Castro – Whispered his entire first performance, who cares-ed his way through his second; dressed so sloppily Seth Rogen would have told him to shape up, and embarrassed himself with a living legend on his pre-tape (again). Why do people still find his bumbling bullshit cute? I agree he has a nice tone to his voice, and is pretty to look at in the way that a keebler elf is cute to look at, but how many more weeks do we have to watch him look like an idiot in front of the mentor (“Forever in Blue Jeans is about… denim. WHOA!”) before we realize he’s a Third World Country version of Jack Johnson (who wouldn’t be right for this competition either)? I am petrified of him ending up in the Final Three and inadvertently knocking out David Cook. Two hours of baked Castro making mellow yellow elevator muzak in the Kodak Theatre makes me yearn for simpler Taylor Hicks-ian times.

Grade: TRIPLE BLOOP

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David Cook – Far and away the best performer of the season. Without peer (anymore), the most controlled, talented vocalist. Almost by default, the most well put together of the Season Seven Idols. His consistence is admirable, his song choices are brave and his emotional investment in each performance, regardless of his familiarity with the material or personal connection to the lyrics is professional to such a degree that everyone one else might as well be Phoebe Buffay hassling customers at Central Perk for not paying attention to the third verse of “Smelly Cat”. He WILL be a star, no matter how he finishes this competition, but I hope he doesn’t let that fact stop him from putting on a great show for the final month.

Grade: SINGLE BLOOP

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Brooke White – Might potentially be crazier than Paula Abdul. Girl KNOWS better than to pull that “Daydream Believer” crap. Jeebus, that performance was scarier than my nightmares. Shrill and thin, a vacant smile plastered on her face, no musicality in any moment of the song. Why did we keep her around if this is what we’re going to get? At least KLC did that shit with some attitude (and looked better doing it). Did you see Simon’s face when they cut to him during her first song? He could not have looked more bored. Telling, that. Yes, the second performance was good, but haven’t we seen enough of her low rent Vanessa Carlton bullshit? Brooke is either playing TO lose, or has no understanding of how American Idol, and the music industry as a whole, works. Either way she needs a long nap and a ticket off this bullshit season.

Grade: DOUBLE BLOOP

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David Archuleta – There should be a rule that states: no one is allowed to “Sweet Caroline” unless they’ve previously sung the song stone drunk at a party at 3am. Otherwise they just can’t understand the majesty of the song. He didn’t even do the BA PA PA! And Archie singing “America” is like a gagorama juiced to eleven. Pulling that attention grabbing bullshit was annoying when KLC did it, but it’s downright revolting when Archuleta does it. Guys, I think I hate him. He hasn’t said one entertaining thing all season, performs down to the level of other contestants, puts the emphasis on ALL the wrong lyrical syllables and patently REFUSES to give up his performance tics (even when told point blank to do so). There is nothing interesting about him. And I’m less and less impressed by his once mighty voice. Disney can have him.

Grade: DOUBLE BLOOP

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Syesha Mercado – I feel the need to point out that when Randy says “I like you in this box, this is your box”, that that’s an insult. He’s saying that Syesha sucks as a pop singer. Being the PERFECT musical theatre nerd is fine, but this isn’t Broadway Idol, it’s American Idol, and Syesha is supposed to be able to sing everything and make it sound like gold. This is exactly what happened to Phil Stacey last year: seven weeks of fumbling around till he realized he was a country singer who was better suited for Nashville Star. Too bad too, because I honestly liked Syesha last night, to the point where I can envision her beating out Jason and Brooke and be totally happy with it. I flat out LOVED her second performance. Shoeless and clapping in rythym will get you far with me. For the first time all season I didn’t nod off during her set.

Grade: SINGLE BLOOP

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The Bottom Two: Brooke White Jason Castro

My prediction for who gets the axe: Brooke White

Bangarang!