Grading the American Idol Season Seven Top 4 On The TiVo Multi-Bloop Scale

By all accounts, this season has been a shamble of epic proportions. Dull contestants, lackluster mentors, the dreadful Beatles fortnight, Paula’s psychic/psycho trainwreck from Top 5 night, Randy’s continued slide into prickitude, and the general agreement that the two Davids will be in the finals and everything that comes before is just fodder for the annual EW American Idol recap issue. If there was any doubt that the show needs a MAJOR shake-up next season, Jason Castro’s bullshit performance tonight is the stoned nail in the pot coffin.

I haven’t seen a star purposefully bomb so magnificently since Ashlee Simpson did her hoedown. If Jason wanted off the show so badly, he should have just bowed out gracefully. Forgetting his words, rolling his eyes at the judges, mailing in his Bob Marley performance so fiercely that even Season Six Scrubs Zach Braff was offended, he didn’t for one second appear as if he cared one iota about American Idol. What a fucking joke. He was an insult not just to himself, but to the judges, the audience and his fellow contestants, some of whom actually WANT to win this competition.

I blame his bullshit on the show. Like I said last week, there’s no real benefit to winning American Idol anymore, and as such, performers who know they WON’T win have no real reason to compete. As pretty as the teenybopper idiots think he is, Jason’s not beating the Davids in a foot race. Hell, he even admitted he has an inferior voice to them in an interview for Entertainment Weekly (where he also said he was tired of being on the show, just by the by), so why WOULD Jason try hard? He’s getting a record deal out of this, probably one more lucrative than 19 Entertainment would give him, so his motivation to do a group sing on Results Night seems as low as Archuleta’s testosterone drive.

Let’s just hope he gets his wish to go home, because Syesha does NOT deserve to get spit in the face like that. She’s been pushing herself harder and harder each week and she belongs in the Top 3. Jason didn’t even bother remembering the lyrics to a song that is on the Mt. Rushmore of pothead songs! What an effing dirty, stupid hippie. I should pay Eric Cartman to drive his Core ship up Castro’s granola ass.

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

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David Cook - When I first heard the theme for the night was Rock & Roll I assumed they were positioning Cook for the win. Giving the only rocker of the season his own Rock night is like having Daughtry Night when Daughtry was on the show, Alien Night when Phil Stacey was on and Shrek Night for Melinda Doolittle. But the plan backfired (sort of). The performances themselves were just fine, but they lacked the spark of David’s Mariah Carey, Lionel Richie and Chris Cornell performances. It felt like he psyched himself out; the pressure was on for HIM to deliver, and he underplayed the night. That being said, he did happen to be the ONLY Idol that ACTUALLY sang rock songs, so give him credit there. Leave it Archuleta to sing two weepie’s on Rock & Roll Night. Dumb Child. Cook is flying to the finals, so there isn’t a worry for him here, but let’s hope he isn’t running out of gas before the end of the race.

Grade: DOUBLE BLOOP

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Syesha Mercado - It occured to me that Syesha’s run is eerily reminiscent of Jordin Sparks’ from last year. Both came into the show as slight ringers: divas with big voices and annoying personalities. They both breezed into the Top 12 but had some stumbles and Bottom Three appearances along the way. Then, near the end of the season, they both stepped up their game. Nobody really remembers this, but Jordin was never supposed to be in the Finals. All the attention was on Blake (the David Cook of Season Six) and Melinda (the Archuleta). Slowly but surely Jordin started bringin’ it and somehow knocked out the presumed champion, Melinda, in a shocking Top 3 week. Now look at Syesha: all the attention is on the Davids, but if you squint, you can see her getting more confident and beating better people every week. Brooke, Carly, hopefully this week Jason. She is the Season Seven Jordin Sparks (minus the giantess-ness). What does this mean for her over the next week? It means that if history holds true, we’re gonna see someone named David get unceremoniously Michael Johns-ed the hell off American Idol.

Grade: SINGLE BLOOP

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Jason Castro - This is the quote Jason gave EW during Neil Diamond week:

“What happens happens. I’ll sing and if people like it, they like it. And if they don’t, they don’t. I’m kind of ready to go home.”

Shouldn’t we give this busking potzer his wish? He is in every way the Sanjaya of the season. Doofy hair, pretty tween face, questionable musical skills, lackadaisical attitude towards the biggest television show on the planet, and competing against talent way over his head. It was a travesty when he took down Carly, sad when he beat Brooke, but it will be downright balls-out angerball-inducing if he stays tonight. I will personally buy a copy of his CD and burn it in Best Buy if he’s still on the show this time tomorrow.

Doesn’t this remind you a ton of Jason Castro after Simon called him Utterly Atrocious:

Grade: TRIPLE BLOOP

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David Archuleta - Sounded as good as he ever does, brought the Brian McKnight passion as passionately as ever, grabbed his stomach, licked his lips, shut his eyes, went blank the moment the music ended, has nothing to offer when asked to use his non-singing words, and dressed like a sloppy teenager; yep, just your typical week for David Archuleta. He’s lucky Cook layed it up this week or Archie would have been exposed for the one note sapling he is. As much as I liked listening to him this week, I would be completely fine with him getting knocked out by Syesha next week. Look: yes, his voice is nice. Yes, he has range and musicality. But is there anything to his voice AT ALL? Anything worth listening to. If you closed your eyes and heard him sing would you care enough to buy his album? Would you buy a ticket for a David Archuleta concert? What would that even be like? Syrup poured from the rafters? Doves released into the sky? A thousand renditions of Kumbaya? Gag me.

Grade: SINGLE BLOOP

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The Bottom Two: There won’t be one.

My prediction for who gets the axe: Jason Castro

Bangarang!