INT. ELEVATOR
Davids Cook and Archuleta ride the elevator on their way to see Paula Abdul. The idea of learning one’s fate begins to weigh upon David Archuleta with a steadily growing unease.
DAVID ARCHULETA: So is this the same Paula Abdul that made the, uh, prophecy?
DAVID COOK: Yes. She’s very old. And very drunk. She’s been with the show since the beginning.
DAVID ARCHULETA: The beginning?
DAVID COOK: Of the Idol Phenomenon.
DAVID ARCHULETA: And she knows what? Everything?
DAVID COOK: She would say she knows enough. And then she would clap like a seal.
DAVID ARCHULETA: How does she know?
DAVID COOK: She is a true drunk. She sees beyond the relativity of live programming. She sees Jason Castro performances before they happen. For her there is no past, present or future. There is only what is.
DAVID ARCHULETA: And she’s never sober.
DAVID COOK: Don’t think of it in terms of sober and drunk. She is a judge, David Archuleta. She can help you get people to call your phone line.
DAVID ARCHULETA: She helped you?
DAVID COOK: Yes.
DAVID ARCHULETA: What did she tell you?
DAVID COOK: That I would compete against the One in the Season Finale.
CUT TO:
INT. PAULA ABDUL’S APARTMENT
David Archuleta walks down a hall and into what appears to be a family room.
Scattered about the room are a dozen and a half American Idol Season Six rejects.
Some of them are playing, others are deep in meditation. All of them exude a kind of Zen calm that helps block the pain of being untalented.
Blake Lewis holds a picture of Ryan Seacrest which sways like a blade of grass.
David Archuleta crosses to him and sits. Blake smiles and hands David Archuleta the picture of Seacrest which is now perfectly straight.
BLAKE LEWIS: Do not try to bend the Seacrest to make him straight. That is impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth.
DAVID ARCHULETA: What truth?
BLAKE LEWIS: That there is no Seacrest.
David Archuleta licks his lips, staring at the spoon.
DAVID ARCHULETA: There is no Seacrest.
BLAKE LEWIS: Then you will see that it is not the Seacrest that touches you inappropriately backstage. It is only yourself.
As David Archuleta stares at Seacrest, it slowly begins to bend, becoming less fuax-hawked, more into boobs, until -
A hand touches his shoulder.
RANDOM PRODUCER: Paula Abdul will see you now.
Paula Abdul is huddled beside a freezer, peering inside through the open frig door, chugging Vodka straight from a bottle.
DAVID ARCHULETA: Hello?
PAULA ABDUL: I know. You’re David Archuleta. You’re great, you look like a superstar. I’m so proud of you! (claps like a seal)
DAVID ARCHULETA: You’re Paula Abdul?
PAULA ABDUL: Straight up now tell me… not quite what you were expecting, right? I’d ask you to stop licking your lips, but you’re not going to anyway. And don’t worry about the Grammy award.
DAVID ARCHULETA: What Grammy award?
He turns to look around and his elbow knocks a Grammy Award from the table. It BREAKS against the linoleum floor.
PAULA ABDUL: That Grammy Award.
DAVID ARCHULETA: Oh, um, ah, I’m sorry. Hehehe.
She pulls out a tray of jello shots and turns.
PAULA ABDUL: I said don’t worry about it. I’ll get one of my Idol rejects to win one for me. Maybe Kellie Pickler.
DAVID ARCHULETA: How did you know…?
PAULA ABDUL: What’s really going to bake your noodle later on is, how did a functionally alcoholic former Laker girl with no discernible musical skills record five number one hits?
Smiling, she chugs some pills.
PAULA ABDUL: You’re cuter than I thought. I see why all the teen girls like you.
DAVID ARCHULETA: Who?
PAULA ABDUL: Not too bright though.
She winks.
PAULA ABDUL: You know why David Cook brought you to see me?
He nods. Licks his lips.
PAULA ABDUL: So? What do you think? You think you’re the next American Idol?
DAVID ARCHULETA: Honestly? I don’t know. But if I’m not my fanatical stage father is gonna beat me with his baseball cap. So…
She gestures to a wooden plaque.
PAULA ABDUL: You know what that means? It’s Latin. Means, ‘Klonozopan Thyself’. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. Being the American Idol is just like being in love. Nobody can tell you you’re in love. And only prescribed Mexican drugs can make you feel emotions. Well, I better have a look at you. Rush! Rush! Hurry, hurry, David… open your mouth, say “ahh”.
David says “ahh” and it turns into a three minute run. He only forgets the lyrics twice.
PAULA ABDUL: Okay, now I’m supposed to say, ‘Hmmm, that’s interesting but…’ Then you say –
DAVID ARCHULETA: But what?
PAULA ABDUL: But you already know what I’m going to tell you.
DAVID ARCHULETA: I’m not the American Idol. And my personality is a hollow wasteland of nothingness.
PAULA ABDUL: Sorry, kid. You got the gift to sing “Imagine” really well, but it looks like you’re waiting for something.
DAVID ARCHULETA: What?
PAULA ABDUL: Your balls to drop, maybe. Who knows? That’s how these things go on Reality shows.
DAVID ARCHULETA: David Cook… He almost had me convinced.
PAULA ABDUL: I know. Poor David Cook. Without him this season would be a joke. We will never make money unless he signs with our record label.
DAVID ARCHULETA: What do you mean, without him?
Paula Abdul takes a long swig of vodka, regarding David Archuleta with the eyes of a crazy drunk lady.
PAULA ABDUL: Are you sure you want to hear this?
David Archuleta nods. Smiles like an idiot.
PAULA ABDUL: David Cook believes he is better than you, David Archuleta, and no one, not you, Randy, Carly or even me can convince him otherwise. But he believes his career will be hindered if he wins. He believes the Daughtry route is better. He believes it so blindly that he’s going to sing his finale performance off-key to save your inevitably one-note finale performance.
DAVID ARCHULETA: What?
PAULA ABDUL: You’re going to have to make a choice. In one hand, you will have David Cooks’ musical career. In the other hand, you will have your own. One of you is going to win American Idol. Which one, will be up to you.
David Archuleta can’t breathe. Still manages to lick his lips.
PAULA ABDUL: I’m sorry, kiddo. I really am. You have a good soul and a sketchy falsetto and I hate giving good people bad news. But don’t worry, as soon as you walk outside that door, you’ll start feeling better. You’ll remember that you don’t believe any of this “the viewer’s affect the results” crap. 19 Entertainment is in control of your own life, remember?
He licks his lips.
PAULA ABDUL: Here, take a jello shot. I promise by the time you’re done chugging it, you’ll feel right as rain. Like Brooke White watching a Disney movie.
David Archuleta eats the jello shot, the tightness in his chest slowly beginning to fade.
What will David Archuleta do now?
To be continued…
Bangarang!
look.. shes not a drunk. i know its funny to make fun of her sometimes but seriously.. she is not some character, she is a real person.
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