Here’s the promo for The CW’s upcoming soul-sucking remake of the greatest sideburn teen melodrama starring actors in their 30’s ever devised, Beverly Hills, 90210. Try not to vomit your childhood:

I’m both utterly intrigued and completely horrified by this whole affair. I’m definitely nauseous, and I think I may barf. Beverly Hills, 90210, was my Thursday, then later Wednesday, night 8-9pm world for close to nine years. Nine of my most formative years. It was the first show I dropped everything to watch. My first experience obsessing wholly and completely about an entertainment product. My first experience watching an adult show, really, as I started watching when I was all of ten. So 90210 is ingrained into me; it’s a major part of my teenage life. When it ended (with Tori and her hamburger cleavage smushed into a wedding dress while a hollow-eyed BAG tried to convince us he’s stoked to bang Donna freakin’ Martin for the next 50 years), a part of me ended with it.

I feel like Duke in Rocky 4, talking about Apollo: 90210 was like my son. I was raised with it. And when it was canceled, a part of me was canceled. But now you’re the one. You’re the one that’s gonna keep the show’s spirit alive. You’re the one that’s gonna make sure that it wasn’t canceled for nothing. Now you’re gonna have to go through hell (more Tori Spelling). Worse than any nightmare you ever dreamed (more Ian Ziering). But in the end, I know you’ll be the one standing (as long as Shannen comes back).

So now we have this fuckacta redo. Some idiot in a suit who could give a shit about what The Walsh family means to the world, took a look at the Google search numbers for Gossip Girl, shit a money brick and hit the re-energize button on a teen melodrama corpse that died for good reason. And now I have to deal with this collection of atrocities strung together in the service of name recognition. Well… if I’m gonna have to watch every minute of every single episode of this damn awesome/terrible show, because I will, I might as well get some good snark out of it. So here are my initial ten thoughts about the promo/show:

1. The cast is WAAAAAAY to pretty. I would bang every single one of them, including Lucille Bluth. This is not a good thing. Take a trip back to the 1st season look of the OG 90210: an awkward looking Jennie Garth, a frumpy Gabs Carteris, asymmetrical faced/eyebrow challenged/horse-toothed Shannen Doherty, and the patron saint of ugly, Mr. Tori Spelling. And that’s before we shiver at the be-mulleted Cindy Walsh. The only person you would even go near was Jennie, and even that was an end of the night, scan the bar, sigh and accept your lot in life sort of deal. But here? Vile things would be done to each of these perfect hotties. The whole point of the original show was that the cast was ugly; it was how we plebes related to the show. No one from my high school looked like these girls. I mean, sure, they’ll be great to watch in a locked room, but mostly I just want to punch them all in the face a couple times so they look more like Tori.

2. Can someone please tell me why Lucille Bluth and Uncle Jessie’s girlfriend are taking pictures with that nice Jewish girl? Is it her Bar Mitzvah, or something? Is she dying and this is her “Make A Wish”? I don’t understand.

3. Where exactly are Kelly Taylor and Donna Martin fitting into this show? I don’t mean as characters, because we know what they’ll be doing. I mean in terms of scope. The show is basically The O.C. but shot in Torrance; where in the midst of fast cars, flat tummy’s and text-speak are we gonna find Kelly Taylor doing anything significant. Is it gonna be like watching the Green Bay Packers last year? A slew of hotshot rookies humoring the old guy who still happens to throw a good ball now and again? Kelly as the West Bev Fashion teacher? Pop show, please! Kelly Taylor survived a gunshot to the stomach, an addiction to coke, a fire, a cult, two tours of service with Brandon Walsh, Steve Saunders’ penis, living with David Silver and being poor. And she ends up a high school teacher? What’s Donna doing, renting out tapes at the local Blockbuster?

4. Can someone please tell me why in the promo, that Silver girl - who was crazy hot on Reaper - is randomly inserted into the Fiona Apple “Criminal” video? I’m not complaining, just curious.

5. All these kids are so damn fresh-faced! Who’s the drunk here? Who’s gonna have to work in a car wash at some point? Who’s gonna watch his friend shoot himself in the head and then break down over the campus PA? Who’s gonna have sex on the beach with Dylan while Brenda is in Paris with Rick?

6. Where are all the sideburns? I refuse to approve this redo unless I see a cumulative three feet of unnecessary, well-groomed cheek fuzz.

7. Is this what we should expect from the fashion on the show? Cause I don’t remember Carrie Bradshaw ever living and horsing in the 9′er. If I see Pat Field’s name ANYWHERE in the credits, I’m out!

8. One good thing I can say: This is their Steve Saunders. So, at least they cast an appropriate-looking douchebag. However, the show loses massive points for not giving him a horrific blond mullet and a tri-paneled rayon shirt.

9. OK, let’s talk for a second about Dixon Mills. And let’s talk about his skin color. And how’s it’s a device that won’t hold water. Firstly, there were ZERO minorities in the OG 9′er. Did anyone have a problem with this? No! Because it was a stereotype of the culture and the stereotype were rich, vapid white people. Um, what’s changed? I mean, has anyone SEEN Gossip Girl? It’s all white people. Why? Because that’s the Upper East Side culture they are making fun of. 90210 is the Westside UES. Does anyone else see my issue here? Secondly, I get that it’s ultra-PC and “in” to have the new Brandon be black, but really, who’s gonna care? After the third episode, when everyone “accepts” him, and he “adapts” to the code, what’s the point of his race? Is it just to bring in African American viewers? They’re not gonna watch the show! They didn’t watch The O.C. or Dawson’s Creek, why would the new 9′er change that pattern just because they call the guy Dixon and make him look like Chris Brown? I mean, the guy can’t even rock a greased up, step fade hair cut and a giant sense of entitlement and moral superiority, so really, what good is he?

10. So here’s the new logo. Apparently the show is just going by “90210″. Cause they’re too good for the “Beverly Hills” part. Oooh, how hip and edgy, it’s just a number! Live by the code! You know what, “90210″, with your flashy establishing shots, lack of sideburns, too pretty starlets and lack of Walsh’s, why don’t you just live by the GO FUCK YOURSELF!

I hate that I’m going to love this show so much.

Bangarang!