Grading the American Idol Season Seven Top 2 On The TiVo Multi-Bloop Scale

Lame gimmicky Idol introductions, bad original songwriting and Simon in a collared shirt open to his smelly Euro-happy trail? Yep, must be season finale time!

I’ve been ruminating on the Battle of the Davids all week, with each looking like the clear-cut winner at various times. Cook is fraking amazing, but Archuleta has the voice and fan support. This is easily the most difficult Top 2 to pick in Idol History. There was an obvious winner each season, save the fifth, when the country went temporarily insane and picked a 50 year old with seizure problems over the insane hottie with the silky voice and gams for weeks. But this season? I mean, OBVIOUSLY David Cook is a better performer and the more dynamic pop Idol, but Archuleta has a rabid fan base that has never let him down, even when he forgets words, is screechy and/or sings freakin’ Sweet Caroline. So can Cook really beat him?

We’re going to switch up the grading this week, because there’s really no point in judging their performances from last night. As much as Simon wants to call the night for Archuleta, I thought it was pretty even. Cook was solid on U2 and Arch was sort of comatose on Elton John. Neither of them did well on the original song performance, as the songs themselves sucked red hot Malakar balls. I mean, really, we can’t shill out for some Diane Warren action? Hell, even the chick from Coyote Ugly would have done a better job. And we would have had cool bar dancing. Cook could have served the drinks! Archuleta would have had some juice in a sippy cup. What a grand time for all!

Even though Cook tanked (TANKED!) the Collective Soul song, I wasn’t wowed by Archuleta’s “Imagine” sequel, either. But Cook at least gets points for trying something new, and acknowledging that redoing a performance is lame and vote-pleading (and thereby undercutting Archuleta. Who brought the dick? Cook brought the dick!). Arch’s Imagine redo paled in comparison to his original, but more importantly, by choosing to sing it again, Archuleta was basically admitting he peaked 14 weeks ago and stayed one-note the ENTIRE season! However, the finale always gets casual viewers, and they won’t remember that he sang it 654% better back in February, and hasn’t sounded any better since then.

Then again, Dial Idol has Cook beating Archuleta by a mile, despite the entire hour being an Archuleta slob knob fest.

Really guys, I’m stumped. Both of them are legit. So how do we decide? Well, I have a plan… American Idol winners are generally graded on five important components:

1. Who will the better representative of the show?
2. Who will better represent the legacy of the show?
3. Who will better affect the talent pool for future seasons?
4. Who will put out the more successful debut album?
5. Who fits into the marketplace better?

Let’s take a closer look at these questions, one by one, and see if we can suss out the rightful American Idol.

Who will be the better representative of the show?

David Cook is eloquent, charismatic and witty. He can form words into real sentences and create a camaraderie with whomever he’s speaking to. David Archuleta can say “gosh” about as sincerely as it’s ever been said. Beyond that, I’d rather listen to President Bush speak extemporaneously about Iraq than listen to Archuleta try to explain his feelings.

Winner: David Cook

Who will better represent the legacy of the show?

When all is said and done, American Idol is supposed to be about finding the great new voice in pop music. David Archuleta has that voice. Again, yes, OBVIOUSLY, David Cook is more fun to listen to, and can do amazing things with the right arrangement. But from a strict powerhouse vocal standpoint, Archuleta is without peer. It’s the difference between listening to Josh Groban and Justin Timberlake. Timberlake will get you moving, will get you hot, but that’s the music, Groban will get you crying, and that’s the voice, the whole point. And since the show has shown it’s not in the business of finding pop stars (or else Kat McPhee, Daughtry and Blake would all be winners), much as Simon would like to believe; Idol has no interest in David Cook.

Though I hasten to point out that from a human interest standpoint, Cook wins in a walk. A nobody bartender getting his one shot at fame and fortune is a helluva lot more interesting then a pipsqueaked 17 year-old who has been training to be a pop Idol since he was in diapers. And has a scary stage Dad.

Winner: David Archuleta

Who will better affect the talent pool for future seasons?

Well, gosh, let me see who I’d rather watch… fifty ultra-soulful robots who can expertly sing ballads but have no souls, or fifty kick ass rockers who have real musicology and can blow down on Mariah, Lionel Ritchie, and Michael Jackson? Put another way, I’ll take smug faces and douche-y writing on palms over excessive lip licking and stomach holding, especially when “Always Be My Baby” is the result. Gotta pick your annoyances.

Winner: David Cook

Who will put out the more successful debut album?

Cook will put out the better album, but again, Josh Groban outsells Justin Timberlake by leaps and bounds. And Archuleta appeals to the tween set, who actually pay for CD’s. To the tweens, Cook is like the older brother in college you think is cool, but don’t want to worship because you have insecure younger brother issues. And one time he ripped your stuffed animal. Archuleta gets the Adult Contemporary crowd, the tweens, the obnoxious girls in pink and the Gays (he’s GCWOK approved, just like Ted’s violent red boots). Cook gets people in their late 20′s and early 30′s who fondly remember inoffensive rock from the 1990′s (miss you, Third Eye Blind!), but who don’t have the time to go to Best Buy. Best guess for each: Archuleta sells 2 million copies, Cook sells 900k.

Winner: David Archuleta

Who fits better into the marketplace?

There are a glut of good solo male acts: Justin, Gavin DeGraw, Rob Thomas, Beck, Cary Brothers, Citizen Cope, Damien Rice, James’ Blunt and Morrison, Paolo Nutini, Ray LaMontagne, Pink. Hell, even Daughtry (which is not a fair comparison to Cook, as Cook is a rock cipher, while Daughtry pinned himself to the Fuel crowd at Jump Street and was thus more easily identifiable as a commodity). Is David Cook good enough to stand with those guys or even push a few down? Does he seem so awesome because the Idol talent pool was so shallow this season? I tend to think he’s great, but not as great as we all think. He’ll need a TREmendous first single to have any market retention.

David Archuleta doesn’t really fit anywhere. He won’t make a cheesy pop album, because his voice isn’t tailored for that. He doesn’t have the training to run with Groban or Damien Rice, so the soulful set is out the window. Rap isn’t an option (but would be AMAZING to listen to). And I’m not sure he even knows what country music is. Also, what radio stations will play his music? The rock ones? The easy listening ones? The God ones? Probably the last one. And America has no time, or love, for God music. Just ask King of all Christian Singer Douchebags, Mr. Scott “Fattie Douchebag” Stapp.

Neither one has any hope for long-term success. And if you think I’m wrong, tell me, how did Bo Bice and Elliot Yamin’s post-Idol lives go?

Winner: Push

Tallying up the scores, I see we’re tied. Dammit! I told you this race was close. It can go either way. But if I’ve learned one thing this season it’s that in an elimination situation like this one must defer to American Idol logic. You can’t just vote who your favorite, you have to choose the person that American Idol voters will support. And American Idol voters are inherently stupid and narrow-minded.

So it comes down to this:

Should win: David Cook

Will win: David Archuleta

Will lose: the audience, the viewers, the world, The Jay’s patience with his favorite show.

Bangarang!