Violet Affleck’s List Of Weekly Chores

Apparently, kids are good for more than just foisting your love of Keanu Reeves on them.

Violet Affleck can do anythingIf you haven’t heard the remarkable “Celebrity Kid Makes Good” story, let me sum it up for you: Jennifer Garner took her angelic baby Violet to the supermarket; when they got there, Jen accidentally locked Violet in the car. Freaking out, worried something bad was gonna happen to her famous offspring, J-Garns successfully directed Violet to turn off the car, get the keys, unlock the doors and get out of the car. How amazing is that? A two and a half year-old who can valet for you, if necessary. That’s one smart kid!

(Though I’m not surprised, what with Ben as her father. Guy’s a genius, what else would you expect of his spawn? Better acting skills? Please.)

And that got me to thinking what other awesome things Violet probably does around the Affleck house. Besides saving Mommy’s ass in front of the papz and making Ben look like a credible Celebrity Father, here’s the list of chores Violet probably performs on a weekly basis.

Violet Affleck can do anything

- Precuts all the Tofu in the house. Jen needs it sliced in eighths.

- Changes out empty rolls of toilet paper. Ends always rolling over, not under.

- Sets the Tivo (Late Night talk show preference is left up to her. Surprisingly, she’s a Craig Ferguson fan).

- Dolls out Daddy Ben’s daily hair restoration prescription.

- Cuts out all the tabloid pictures of Mommy and puts the prettiest ones on the fridge. Mails all the bad ones to Jen’s publicist with an angry letter threatening to fire her ass, written in a Teal Crayola Marker.

- Keeps up Ben’s correspondence with Barack Obama.

- Runs lines with Mommy. Does her best not to make Jen feel inadequate.

- Feeds the llama. Also, Kevin Smith, when he comes over.

- Cleans out the rain gutters. Cause they’re not gonna clean themselves!

- Texts her Dad every day, at precisely 1:37pm, to tell him he was “the bomb in Phantoms, yo!”

- Crank calls Suri Cruise to tell her get off her lazy ass and contribute. This isn’t actually a chore, she just enjoys doing it.

- Shines her halo all by herself.


About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch,, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @
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2 Responses to Violet Affleck’s List Of Weekly Chores

  1. nat says:

    i love the prank calling suri cruise… :0)

  2. Pingback: The Jay » 10 Reasons Why The Pitt-Jolie Twins People Magazine Cover Isn’t Selling Well

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