So LA shook from it’s 2% body fat hinges this morning. After checking on the things that matter most to me in this world: my family, my friends, my 52″ Samsung LCD HDTV, I did what any clear-headed post-quake Angeleno does when our fair city performs it’s occasional Tommy Lee Jones failed disaster flick homage, I went straight to Facebook to read all the status changes.

Within minutes of the first squinch of tremor, the statuses arrived. My favorite came from my younger brother, who, as a native of LA and survivor of the 1994 Northridge Earthquake is nonplussed by anything less than a solid 6.0. His status post-quake read: “[The Jay’s Little Brother] was just woken up from the world’s most boring Earthquake.” Let it never be said that the snark gene was isolated solely to my branch of the family tree.

Once I had gone through my group and gained assurance that all concerned were safe and sound, my mind turned to the other important group of people in my life: celebrities. How are they doing post-Chino Hills 5.4? Did their faces shake, too, or did the Botox do its job? Did half the A-list immediately book flights to Cabo for a quickie “relaxation/cheap whores and blow” vacay? I had to know.

So I went around Facebook and checked to see how everyone was holding up. This is what I found:

Michael Bay just found his Act 3 reason for more ’splosions!!!!

Simon Cowell 5.4? How pathetic.

Shannen Doherty wants to take a pen to the Earthquake’s larynx. How FUCKING DARE it make Shannen FUCKING Doherty walk out of step!

Colin Farell in a doorway. Getting head. Tuesdays!

Mel Gibson thinks fucking Jews were responsible for all the quakes on Earth.

Katherine Heigl is blaming the quake on the writers. The Earth wasn’t given enough… material to stay still.

Paris Hilton I had to use the stairs (for the first time EVAR!1!). That’s poor person hot!

Katie Holmes is SECURITY IS DOWN FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES. Get here quick!!!

Keanu Reeves is whoa’ed

Shia LaBeaouf hopes the world stops spinning soon. It’s been 3 dayz alreadys!!1

Matthew McConaughey was stoked and wowd he was riding a wave during the righteous planet rumble. gave him a wicked kick to his barrel role. god bless geology.

Heidi Montag is putting on make-up. Totally candid Earthquake Victims Recovery photoshoot in 13 mins…

Sarah Jessica Parker is all shook up in the saddle. Neeeigh.

Brad Pitt knows Angie will think this is a sign to move to Cambodia and buy more brown kids.

Jessica Simpson feels no one told me the Earth could, like, MOVE!

Britney Spears is shaked, ya’ll..

Bangarang!

Mmmm, he was dee-licious!

Tasted like Kiehl’s face cream and desperation. Ooh boy, my fav!

I don’t know why Ry Ry is being so huffy, who doesn’t like a boy with a good, manly scar, right? He’ll be power topping LA 10’s in no time flat. Heyo, LA 10’s! Call a guppy!

Hoo daddy, I’m still picking him out of my teeth. What lush gum scraps! Like little bursts of self-tanned wondermint. I would have soooo gone back for seconds, but I’m watching my poundage. Gotta watch the el bees; this fish ain’t getting any younger, ya heard!

Now that Paula Abdul, that’s a little dish I wouldn’t even wait to chew. Just swallow it whole like I was practicing for Great White Night at Tiger Shark Heat on Saturdays. I bet she tastes like hairspray and blue.

Wooo! All this talk of swallowing and chewing is getting me all hot and bothered. Grrrr, baby! Time to find Daddy a plaything. I wonder if there’s a good Celebritard taking staged bikini pics in shallow waters. They always make a good mid-afternoon treatsie!

Here Montag Montag…

Bangarang!

Shia LaBeouf promised us he was different.

He told us that he was lucky to have his career, to be working with legends like Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford. That he understood the privilege it is being a well-paid movie star. He swore up and down that he wouldn’t do anything to screw it up. We would not be seeing Shia LaBeouf behind bars, doing drugs, getting into fights or getting caught drunk in public, he said. But after getting arrested in a Rite-Aid for being a drunken nuisance, getting caught on film dropping the gay F-bomb and getting bitch slapped, and now, driving drunk, hitting someone and rolling his car, it’s safe to assume one thing:

Shia LaBeouf is a LIAR.

Every promise he’s made in the press, he’s gone back on. He swore that he would not bring down Indy 4, but there he was, swinging on an effing vine like Tarzan, ruining the movie. He swore that after the “misunderstanding” of getting arrested he would walk the straight and narrow, clean up his act, and just focus on his career. And yet, Shia LaBeouf now has a misdemeanor DUI on his record, and a mangled hand. So, yeah…

Shia LaBeouf is a damn fool fibber.

Now we all know Shia is the mayor of Lieville. But what many of you may not know is that Shia’s lies extend beyond his career and celebrity. He’s also a liar in read life. Let me tell you of his many tall tales:

• Shia claimed to be 5′10, but we went back to back and he didn’t even come up to my neck!

• Shia promised he’d make it to my birthday party, but he flaked. Not even a text message to tell me why. Rude bastard.

• Shia claimed he scored 50,000 points on Double Dragon, but only The Wizard can do that!

• Shia said he knew all the words to REM’s “It’s the End of the World As We Know It”, but I saw him do karaoke and he only knew the chorus. He screamed out Elmer Bernstein at the right time, but that’s the easy part!

• Shia swore he wouldn’t take any of my fries, but when I came back from the bathroom, they were all gone. I told him “Dude, you have your own plate of fries”! And you know what his response was? “Your fries taste better than mine.” That doesn’t even MAKE SENSE!

• Shia tries to come off like he really knows all 500 of his MySpace friends, but I think he just adds any random person who friend requests him. What a MySpace whore!

• Shia always brags that he can dunk on a regulation hoop, but every time we ask him to show us he plays it off like he tweaked his ankle the other day. Poseur!

• Shia told me he was a Britney fan, but when I checked out his iPod, do you know what I found? All three Christina Aguilera records! That’s just bad taste.

• Shia is ALWAYS bluffing in Poker.

• Shia says his favorite comedians are Patton Oswalt, Richard Pryor, Kristen Wiig and 80’s Eddie Murphy, but I know the real truth. When no one is around, and it’s just Shia and the wind, he likes to sit down on his couch, pop open a Bud Light and watch Dane Cook comedy specials.

• Shia promised it wasn’t him, but as we all know, he who denied it, supplied it.

Oh, Shia!

OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIAAAAAA!!!!!

You make me feel like a car crash victim!

Bangarang!

WOOOHOOOO!!!

FUCKIN WOOOOOO, BAAAAAYBEEEEE!

I feel like such a MAN right now! Like I could wear socks with my sandals and nobody would give me shit. Cause if they did, I’d cut them with my man-sword. And I don’t even mean my penis this time!

I wonder if I can get this hat in beige?

Riding this hard, tough, hot stallion is the best! It’s a good thing Reese is tighter than a five pound kettle drum, or I’d be having second, third and foursies thoughts about Zoo-ing up this bitch!

My crotch feels electric pinned against this leather saddle. Like climbing the rope in gym class, but multipled by a factor of rainbows. Oh boy, this must be what being a Power Top feels like! If only that was in my character. Le sigh…

I love running my hands through mah steed’s lush mane. It reminds me of that one night Matty McCons was on the right side of the bi-line and I bongoed my own little Brokeback sequel… nah what I mean, brah? Hand spit, like a mofo! (R.I.P. Heath!)

That reminds me… I should have my agent set up lunch with Owen Wilson. I would definitely be WOOOING if I got to ride The Butterscotch Stallion. That Butterscotch Stallion is so hot right now. Butterscotch Stallion.

Neeeeigh!

This must be what Matthew Broderick feels like every night!

Bangarang!