Shia LaBeouf promised us he was different.
He told us that he was lucky to have his career, to be working with legends like Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford. That he understood the privilege it is being a well-paid movie star. He swore up and down that he wouldn’t do anything to screw it up. We would not be seeing Shia LaBeouf behind bars, doing drugs, getting into fights or getting caught drunk in public, he said. But after getting arrested in a Rite-Aid for being a drunken nuisance, getting caught on film dropping the gay F-bomb and getting bitch slapped, and now, driving drunk, hitting someone and rolling his car, it’s safe to assume one thing:
Shia LaBeouf is a LIAR.
Every promise he’s made in the press, he’s gone back on. He swore that he would not bring down Indy 4, but there he was, swinging on an effing vine like Tarzan, ruining the movie. He swore that after the “misunderstanding” of getting arrested he would walk the straight and narrow, clean up his act, and just focus on his career. And yet, Shia LaBeouf now has a misdemeanor DUI on his record, and a mangled hand. So, yeah…
Shia LaBeouf is a damn fool fibber.
Now we all know Shia is the mayor of Lieville. But what many of you may not know is that Shia’s lies extend beyond his career and celebrity. He’s also a liar in read life. Let me tell you of his many tall tales:
- Shia claimed to be 5’10, but we went back to back and he didn’t even come up to my neck!
- Shia promised he’d make it to my birthday party, but he flaked. Not even a text message to tell me why. Rude bastard.
- Shia claimed he scored 50, 000 points on Double Dragon, but only The Wizard can do that!
- Shia said he knew all the words to REM’s “It’s the End of the World As We Know It”, but I saw him do karaoke and he only knew the chorus. He screamed out Leonard Bernstein at the right time, but that’s the easy part!
- Shia swore he wouldn’t take any of my fries, but when I came back from the bathroom, they were all gone. I told him “Dude, you have your own plate of fries”! And you know what his response was? “Your fries taste better than mine.” That doesn’t even MAKE SENSE!
- Shia tries to come off like he really knows all 500 of his MySpace friends, but I think he just adds any random person who friend requests him. What a MySpace whore!
- Shia always brags that he can dunk on a regulation hoop, but every time we ask him to show us he plays it off like he tweaked his ankle the other day. Poseur!
- Shia told me he was a Britney fan, but when I checked out his iPod, do you know what I found? All three Christina Aguilera records! That’s just bad taste.
- Shia is ALWAYS bluffing in Poker.
- Shia says his favorite comedians are Patton Oswalt, Richard Pryor, Kristen Wiig and 80′s Eddie Murphy, but I know the real truth. When no one is around, and it’s just Shia and the wind, he likes to sit down on his couch, pop open a Bud Light and watch Dane Cook comedy specials.
- Shia promised it wasn’t him, but as we all know, he who denied it, supplied it.