Ryan Seacrest gets some Jaws on him.

Mmmm, he was dee-licious!

Tasted like Kiehl’s face cream and desperation. Ooh boy, my fav!

I don’t know why Ry Ry is being so huffy, who doesn’t like a boy with a good, manly scar, right? He’ll be power topping LA 10’s in no time flat. Heyo, LA 10’s! Call a guppy!

Hoo daddy, I’m still picking him out of my teeth. What lush gum scraps! Like little bursts of self-tanned wondermint. I would have soooo gone back for seconds, but I’m watching my poundage. Gotta watch the el bees; this fish ain’t getting any younger, ya heard!

Now that Paula Abdul, that’s a little dish I wouldn’t even wait to chew. Just swallow it whole like I was practicing for Great White Night at Tiger Shark Heat on Saturdays. I bet she tastes like hairspray and blue.

Wooo! All this talk of swallowing and chewing is getting me all hot and bothered. Grrrr, baby! Time to find Daddy a plaything. I wonder if there’s a good Celebritard taking staged bikini pics in shallow waters. They always make a good mid-afternoon treatsie!

Here Montag Montag…

Bangarang!