Ryan Seacrest gets some Jaws on him.

Mmmm, he was dee-licious!

Tasted like Kiehl’s face cream and desperation. Ooh boy, my fav!

I don’t know why Ry Ry is being so huffy, who doesn’t like a boy with a good, manly scar, right? He’ll be power topping LA 10′s in no time flat. Heyo, LA 10′s! Call a guppy!

Hoo daddy, I’m still picking him out of my teeth. What lush gum scraps! Like little bursts of self-tanned wondermint. I would have soooo gone back for seconds, but I’m watching my poundage. Gotta watch the el bees; this fish ain’t getting any younger, ya heard!

Now that Paula Abdul, that’s a little dish I wouldn’t even wait to chew. Just swallow it whole like I was practicing for Great White Night at Tiger Shark Heat on Saturdays. I bet she tastes like hairspray and blue.

Wooo! All this talk of swallowing and chewing is getting me all hot and bothered. Grrrr, baby! Time to find Daddy a plaything. I wonder if there’s a good Celebritard taking staged bikini pics in shallow waters. They always make a good mid-afternoon treatsie!

Here Montag Montag…

Bangarang!

Average Rating: 4.8 out of 5 based on 224 user reviews.

About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for TheJay.com. The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch, BestWeekEver.tv, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on NowLive.com from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @ www.Twitter.com/jasonamatthews
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