Russia is at war, the Olympics are happening, the Presidential Election is hitting its peak, and we are losing talented celebrities left and right (R.I.P. Bernie and Isaac)… but let’s talk about something important. Defamer is reporting that the $14 million People Magazine cover featuring the newest rookie’s on the Brangelina Team is… wait for it… NOT SELLING WELL.

Excuse me for a moment…

/weeps into my own shoulder.

Sorry, I’m back. Just a human moment, happens to everyone. I’m ready to talk about this calmly and rationally.

OK, so, sales are are about a million off pace, relative to what they spent (though, to give context, the cover of Nicole Ritchie and her pet child sold only 26 total copies, and one was to my Mother, so 2.5 mil copies for Knox and Vivienne ain’t too bad). And it looks, totes sadly, like People Magazine will lose money on their risky “exploitation of celebrity newborn” gambit, which worked so well the first time Brangelina premiered a golden (caucasian) child. I guess this means we can go ahead and consider the twins a bunch of tiny, new failures. Ah, sadface smiley.

Maybe that slacker, hippy toddler, Ryder Russell Robinson, can console them.

Owing to such a momentous mild disappointment, explanations and excuses have been flying back and forth. But as we all know, I have no interest in official explanations. It’s far more fun to postulate, speculate, ruminate and insult…tate. So to that end, here are my…

10 Reasons Why The Pitt-Jolie Twins People Magazine Cover Isn’t Selling Well

10- What the hell is on Brad’s face? Is that a… goatee? He realizes this isn’t 1997 anymore, right?

9- Yeah, yeah, good for the hot mega stars having sex and making babies. Whoop de doo. Did you hear Kelly Bundy has breast cancer? How awful is that.

8- Knox, really? No one on earth has ever cared about anything named Knox. And unless Levi Jeans McConaughey is getting his toddler mack on with Vivienne, I’m bored of this chick already.

7- Residual Shia crushed-hand worry consuming the nation’s interest in Celebreality.

6- Wait a second! The heavy girl from Hairspray beat the shit out of an America’s Next Top Model contestant? At an airport in the Caribbean? Over seats in the lounge? And we don’t have footage of this? And they all went to foreign JAIL?! Sweet sassy molassey, I need me some hourly updates on this, supes pronto!

5- Customers from rural areas of the country not sure what the big deal is about that goofy cowboy guy from Thelma & Louise and the weird, knife-carrying girl from Tomb Raider popping out a couple of kids.

4- Go Team Aniston!

3- America is finally realizing that Violet Affleck is the sleeper hit of the Baby Draft.

2- Dude, we all know that Angelina Jolie is only interesting when she’s holding a gun and wearing raccoon eyeliner.

1- Um, they’re babies. Seriously, they already had four of these things. It’s not like they released a sex tape, or got married, or traded the underperforming Pax Thien for Suri Cruise. Let’s get real. Someone tap me on the shoulder when one of these exalted poop machines cures Cancer; until then, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna worry about things that actually matter, like Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams maybe getting back together (which: whoa!).

Bangarang!