10 Reasons Why The Pitt-Jolie Twins People Magazine Cover Isn’t Selling Well

I'm still planning on stealing Suri.Russia is at war, the Olympics are happening, the Presidential Election is hitting its peak, and we are losing talented celebrities left and right (R.I.P. Bernie and Isaac)… but let’s talk about something important. Defamer is reporting that the $14 million People Magazine cover featuring the newest rookie’s on the Brangelina Team is… wait for it… NOT SELLING WELL.

Excuse me for a moment…

/weeps into my own shoulder.

Sorry, I’m back. Just a human moment, happens to everyone. I’m ready to talk about this calmly and rationally.

OK, so, sales are are about a million off pace, relative to what they spent (though, to give context, the cover of Nicole Ritchie and her pet child sold only 26 total copies, and one was to my Mother, so 2.5 mil copies for Knox and Vivienne ain’t too bad). And it looks, totes sadly, like People Magazine will lose money on their risky “exploitation of celebrity newborn” gambit, which worked so well the first time Brangelina premiered a golden (caucasian) child. I guess this means we can go ahead and consider the twins a bunch of tiny, new failures. Ah, sadface smiley.

Maybe that slacker, hippy toddler, Ryder Russell Robinson, can console them.

Owing to such a momentous mild disappointment, explanations and excuses have been flying back and forth. But as we all know, I have no interest in official explanations. It’s far more fun to postulate, speculate, ruminate and insult…tate. So to that end, here are my…

10 Reasons Why The Pitt-Jolie Twins People Magazine Cover Isn’t Selling Well

10- What the hell is on Brad’s face? Is that a… goatee? He realizes this isn’t 1997 anymore, right?

9- Yeah, yeah, good for the hot mega stars having sex and making babies. Whoop de doo. Did you hear Kelly Bundy has breast cancer? How awful is that.

8- Knox, really? No one on earth has ever cared about anything named Knox. And unless Levi Jeans McConaughey is getting his toddler mack on with Vivienne, I’m bored of this chick already.

7- Residual Shia crushed-hand worry consuming the nation’s interest in Celebreality.

6- Wait a second! The heavy girl from Hairspray beat the shit out of an America’s Next Top Model contestant? At an airport in the Caribbean? Over seats in the lounge? And we don’t have footage of this? And they all went to foreign JAIL?! Sweet sassy molassey, I need me some hourly updates on this, supes pronto!

5- Customers from rural areas of the country not sure what the big deal is about that goofy cowboy guy from Thelma & Louise and the weird, knife-carrying girl from Tomb Raider popping out a couple of kids.

4- Go Team Aniston!

3- America is finally realizing that Violet Affleck is the sleeper hit of the Baby Draft.

2- Dude, we all know that Angelina Jolie is only interesting when she’s holding a gun and wearing raccoon eyeliner.

1- Um, they’re babies. Seriously, they already had four of these things. It’s not like they released a sex tape, or got married, or traded the underperforming Pax Thien for Suri Cruise. Let’s get real. Someone tap me on the shoulder when one of these exalted poop machines cures Cancer; until then, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna worry about things that actually matter, like Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams maybe getting back together (which: whoa!).


About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for TheJay.com. The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch, BestWeekEver.tv, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on NowLive.com from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @ www.Twitter.com/jasonamatthews
This entry was posted in Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Celebrity. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to 10 Reasons Why The Pitt-Jolie Twins People Magazine Cover Isn’t Selling Well

  1. nat says:

    did you throw little shia in there just to make me squeal and go ‘awwww’…?


  2. Toiletbrain says:

    I don’t understand why anyone gives a shit at all. Now Angelina breastfeeding her babies – that’s a different story!

  3. 2.6 million sold says:

    Sorry to break it to you but you’re wrong.

    The issue is the biggest seller in seven years, and is the fourth highest newsstand seller in the magazine’s 35-year history, behind the Sept. 11 issue (4.1 million single copies), the issue covering Princess Diana’s death (3 million) and the one covering the death of John F. Kennedy Jr. (2.8 million). The June 19, 2006 issue with the exclusive baby pictures of Brad and Angelina’s first daughter, Shiloh, moved 2.2 million newsstand copies (perhaps the extra Pitt-Jolie baby provided a bigger draw this time).

    The baby photos also helped People extend its online reach to record levels. People.com recorded a record 6 million unique visitors for the first 24 hours the cover went online. Comparatively, people.com usually averages around 8.8 million uniques a month, according to figures from Comscore Media Metrix. What will happen if Pitt and Jolie have triplets?


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