Things Overheard During Tori Spelling’s 90210-Remake Contract Negotiation

Tori is not the star of the new 90210.The Scene: The producers of the awesome slash nauseating 90210 remake meet with Tori Spelling to consider raising her per episode salary (owing to her vital importance, obvs).

The Players: Producer 1, Producer 2, Tori Spelling, Tori Spelling’s Rack of Beef with a Thumprint aka Tori’s Boobs

INT. 90210 PRODUCTION OFFICE – HOLLYWOOD – DAY

Two Producers pick at their miso salads, fiddle with their iPhones and worry about the budget for the new 90210.

PRODUCER 1: The wax budget is way over estimates. I mean, I knew it would be high going in, what with the CW “No Hair, Anywhere” mandate, but this is outrageous!

PRODUCER 2: We could make them just shave?

P1: Are you insane? Have you ever looked at a browline on HD?

P2: Why would I have ever looked at a browline on HD?

P1: This is why you’ll never be Producer 1. Alright, so where can we take some money from other areas?

P2: Oh, I know, we could take some from the Doherty Emergency Fund.

P1: SHHHHHH!!! Are you nuts, man! She could have this place bugged! One whiff of relaxation on that girl and she could take us all down. I swear, if that pyscho bitch wasn’t flat out BRINGING IT in dailies, I’d strangle her with my iPhone charger wire.

P2: You know, we are due to bump Tori’s salary. We could just… not.

P1: That… that is flat brillz, kid! You may yet make a fine Producer. OK, let’s bring the potato face in and drop the news. And when we do, try not to laugh directly at her. $50k an episode for Tori Spelling??? And they say there’s no humor left in the world.

A few minutes later…

Tori Spelling walks in. The average hotness in the room drops by 2.5 LA points.

TORI SPELLING: Hey guys! So good to see you. Before we get started, I just wanted to thank you for being so great and producing such a wonderful show. My father would be really proud.

P1: Thanks, Tori! We appreciate it. Don’t know why your Dad would like a teen soap opera, but I guess if you’re in it, he has to, right?

TS: Well, guys, my dad is Aaron Spelling.

P1:

P2:

P1: Is he, like, an accountant, or something?

TS: No, he was Aaron Spelling. He produced the original version of the show. He also did The Love Boat and Charlie’s Angels.

P2: Oh, I love that movie. Lucy Lui gets my noodle stiff. … that was an Asian joke.

TS: The show, not the movie.

P2: There was a show of that?

TS: Yes, back in the 70′s.

P2: There was TV in the 70′s? So… That 70′s Show wasn’t a joke, then? I’m so confused. Here I thought Ashton Kutcher was creating that role from his own genius mind, but now I see he was just reading a script. Well that blows. Ashton Kutcher… just an actor. I don’t… ugh! My day is fucking shot.

P1: Alright everybody, let’s all just calm down. Ashton is still fantastic and dreamy and Tori, I’m sure your Dad was a fine producer. Let’s get down to business.

TS: Yes, please. Dean’s at home with the new baby and I want to get home early for some family time.

P1: That’s very sweet. You’re a truly wonderful Mother. We’ll try to get you out of here real quick. So we’re here today to talk about your salary.

TS: Yes, I believe we had a verbal agreement to match Jenni and Shannen’s salary.

P1: That we did.

TS: And I know they’re making about $50k an episode, where as I’m only making $20k. So I’d like a raise, as per our deal.

P1: No.

TS: Excuse me?

P1: No. Sorry, we won’t be paying you that extra money.

TS: But, but you owe it to me. You said!

P1: I say a lot of things, but I don’t thing I’d ever say yes to paying you $50,000 per episode. That’s insanity.

TS: We had a deal!!! You’re supposed to match my salary!

P2: Ah, but you see, we are. Tori, we’re only paying Shannen $20k, the other 30 is for a Disaster Relief Fund.

TS: Aww, you’re giving money to charity in her name?

P2: No, we’re the Disaster Relief Fund. It’s in case she tears the set down, or suffocates someone with a Craft Service veggie platter.

TS: That doesn’t sound right.

P1: And with Garth, well, she’s a blonde, she doesn’t know numbers very well. She thinks 20 IS 50.

TS: I’m blonde, what’s that supposed to mean? That I’m dumb?

P1:

P2:

P1: Look, we’re just telling you the “facts”.

TS: With all due respect, that sounds weird to me. I’m gonna call them and get the truth.

She dials Jennie Garth.

JENNIE GARTH: Hello, this is Jennie Garth, how can I help you?

TS: Jennie, hey, it’s Tori!

JG: Who?

TS: Tori! Tori Spelling?

JG: Peter, is that you? Are you playing a joke on me? You know I don’t find that gag funny anymore. Now I’m gonna have bad dreams tonight!

TS: Jennie, this isn’t your loser husband. It’s TORI!

JG (with fake Spanish accent): Oh. Um… sorry, no habla ingles!

TS: Jennie, you were just speaking English.

JG (with fake Spanish accent): No Jennie Garth here. Bye bye now.

TS: What the heck is going on? I’ll try Shannen.

P2: Oh God, here we go…

P1: I wish I had told my wife that I loved her, this morning.

Tori dials Shannen Doherty. The temperature in the room suddenly drops 10 degrees.

SHANNEN DOHERTY: I WILL GIVE YOU THE EBOLA VIRUS BY SPITTING IN YOUR EAR, GOOD HELL, WHAT BITCH??????

TS: Um… hey, hi, Shannen. Didn’t mean to disturb you. Just wanted to ask you a quick question.

Beat.

SD: Aw, of course, sweetie. I’m always here for you. What do you need?

TS: I’m here with the producers, and-

SD: Are those rascals giving you a hard time. Such pishers!

TS: I know, right? Ha ha! Well, we’re having a discussion about my salary; I’m supposed to be making the same amount as you and Jennie, and they’re telling me I am, but it doesn’t sound like it.

SD: Oh, honey, sorry no, you’re not making as much as Jenni. We’re making the same, though. More than half my reported salary goes to pay the insurance agency, in case I tear the set down, or suffocate someone with a Craft Service veggie platter. …still working on my anger issues, you see.

TS: But shouldn’t I be making as much as Jenni.

SD: Oh, babe, absolutely not. You’re ugly and lame and nobody cares that you’re on the show.

TS: I thought you were supposed to be working on your anger issues.

SD: I’m not angry, just telling the truth. If I was angry, I’d tell you to cook a fucking turkey burger with that meat slab you call your tits and don’t forget to put some extra cheese on that shit. But look, love, I have to run. The valet is taking longer than 15 seconds to bring me my car so I need to stick my house keys into is right kidney. Kisses!

TS: I just don’t understand. I’m Tori Spelling. I’m Donna Martin. I’m worth the money.

P1: No, you’re not.

TS: I have two best selling books.

P2: Books? Yeah, I don’t… know what that is.

TS: I have a hit reality show on Oxygen, for goshsakes!

P1: Oxygen? What is that? Like, a new show on ABC? What time slot?

TS: No, it’s a cable network.

P2: On American Cable? It’s not one of those Japanese Game Shows? I like seeing people fall down!

TS: It’s a burgeoning American Cable Network! And the season finale of my hit show just broke ratings records. We got a .6!!!! I am a beautiful, talented actress. I’m a star!

P2: You’re a fugly Mom with shaky dialogue skills on a foreign cable Reality show.

P1: That being said, we love having you on the show! You’re doing a great job.

Beat.

TS: I quit.

P2: We’re very sorry to hear that. It’s been great working with you. All the best to your Dad.

TS: He’s dead.

P2: …awkward. Love to your Mom, then!

TS: We’re not speaking at the moment.

P2: Youch.

TS: You guys are horrible! I bet you wouldn’t treat Tiffani Thiessen like this!

P1: OMG! Did she say something about me? Does she think I’m cute! Cause I will divorce my wife for Tiffani in a second, I swear it!

P2: Think we can get her on the show now that we have some extra salary money?

P1: Kid, now you’re thinking like a Producer!

TS: Doesn’t anybody love Tori Spelling?

Bangarang!

About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for TheJay.com. The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch, BestWeekEver.tv, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on NowLive.com from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @ www.Twitter.com/jasonamatthews
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One Response to Things Overheard During Tori Spelling’s 90210-Remake Contract Negotiation

  1. anna says:

    Yeah, how is it possible that Tori Spelling is not getting money from her mom, talks about being broke, and her new house is decorated in Farrow & Ball and Kelly Wearstler?

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