The Scene: The producers of the awesome slash nauseating 90210 remake meet with Tori Spelling to consider raising her per episode salary (owing to her vital importance, obvs).
The Players: Producer 1, Producer 2, Tori Spelling, Tori Spelling’s Rack of Beef with a Thumprint aka Tori’s Boobs
INT. 90210 PRODUCTION OFFICE – HOLLYWOOD – DAY
Two Producers pick at their miso salads, fiddle with their iPhones and worry about the budget for the new 90210.
PRODUCER 1: The wax budget is way over estimates. I mean, I knew it would be high going in, what with the CW “No Hair, Anywhere” mandate, but this is outrageous!
PRODUCER 2: We could make them just shave?
P1: Are you insane? Have you ever looked at a browline on HD?
P2: Why would I have ever looked at a browline on HD?
P1: This is why you’ll never be Producer 1. Alright, so where can we take some money from other areas?
P2: Oh, I know, we could take some from the Doherty Emergency Fund.
P1: SHHHHHH!!! Are you nuts, man! She could have this place bugged! One whiff of relaxation on that girl and she could take us all down. I swear, if that pyscho bitch wasn’t flat out BRINGING IT in dailies, I’d strangle her with my iPhone charger wire.
P2: You know, we are due to bump Tori’s salary. We could just… not.
P1: That… that is flat brillz, kid! You may yet make a fine Producer. OK, let’s bring the potato face in and drop the news. And when we do, try not to laugh directly at her. $50k an episode for Tori Spelling??? And they say there’s no humor left in the world.
A few minutes later…
Tori Spelling walks in. The average hotness in the room drops by 2.5 LA points.
TORI SPELLING: Hey guys! So good to see you. Before we get started, I just wanted to thank you for being so great and producing such a wonderful show. My father would be really proud.
P1: Thanks, Tori! We appreciate it. Don’t know why your Dad would like a teen soap opera, but I guess if you’re in it, he has to, right?
TS: Well, guys, my dad is Aaron Spelling.
P1: Is he, like, an accountant, or something?
TS: No, he was Aaron Spelling. He produced the original version of the show. He also did The Love Boat and Charlie’s Angels.
P2: Oh, I love that movie. Lucy Lui gets my noodle stiff. … that was an Asian joke.
TS: The show, not the movie.
P2: There was a show of that?
TS: Yes, back in the 70′s.
P2: There was TV in the 70′s? So… That 70′s Show wasn’t a joke, then? I’m so confused. Here I thought Ashton Kutcher was creating that role from his own genius mind, but now I see he was just reading a script. Well that blows. Ashton Kutcher… just an actor. I don’t… ugh! My day is fucking shot.
P1: Alright everybody, let’s all just calm down. Ashton is still fantastic and dreamy and Tori, I’m sure your Dad was a fine producer. Let’s get down to business.
TS: Yes, please. Dean’s at home with the new baby and I want to get home early for some family time.
P1: That’s very sweet. You’re a truly wonderful Mother. We’ll try to get you out of here real quick. So we’re here today to talk about your salary.
TS: Yes, I believe we had a verbal agreement to match Jenni and Shannen’s salary.
P1: That we did.
TS: And I know they’re making about $50k an episode, where as I’m only making $20k. So I’d like a raise, as per our deal.
TS: Excuse me?
P1: No. Sorry, we won’t be paying you that extra money.
TS: But, but you owe it to me. You said!
P1: I say a lot of things, but I don’t thing I’d ever say yes to paying you $50,000 per episode. That’s insanity.
TS: We had a deal!!! You’re supposed to match my salary!
P2: Ah, but you see, we are. Tori, we’re only paying Shannen $20k, the other 30 is for a Disaster Relief Fund.
TS: Aww, you’re giving money to charity in her name?
P2: No, we’re the Disaster Relief Fund. It’s in case she tears the set down, or suffocates someone with a Craft Service veggie platter.
TS: That doesn’t sound right.
P1: And with Garth, well, she’s a blonde, she doesn’t know numbers very well. She thinks 20 IS 50.
TS: I’m blonde, what’s that supposed to mean? That I’m dumb?
P1: Look, we’re just telling you the “facts”.
TS: With all due respect, that sounds weird to me. I’m gonna call them and get the truth.
She dials Jennie Garth.
JENNIE GARTH: Hello, this is Jennie Garth, how can I help you?
TS: Jennie, hey, it’s Tori!
TS: Tori! Tori Spelling?
JG: Peter, is that you? Are you playing a joke on me? You know I don’t find that gag funny anymore. Now I’m gonna have bad dreams tonight!
TS: Jennie, this isn’t your loser husband. It’s TORI!
JG (with fake Spanish accent): Oh. Um… sorry, no habla ingles!
TS: Jennie, you were just speaking English.
JG (with fake Spanish accent): No Jennie Garth here. Bye bye now.
TS: What the heck is going on? I’ll try Shannen.
P2: Oh God, here we go…
P1: I wish I had told my wife that I loved her, this morning.
Tori dials Shannen Doherty. The temperature in the room suddenly drops 10 degrees.
SHANNEN DOHERTY: I WILL GIVE YOU THE EBOLA VIRUS BY SPITTING IN YOUR EAR, GOOD HELL, WHAT BITCH??????
TS: Um… hey, hi, Shannen. Didn’t mean to disturb you. Just wanted to ask you a quick question.
SD: Aw, of course, sweetie. I’m always here for you. What do you need?
TS: I’m here with the producers, and-
SD: Are those rascals giving you a hard time. Such pishers!
TS: I know, right? Ha ha! Well, we’re having a discussion about my salary; I’m supposed to be making the same amount as you and Jennie, and they’re telling me I am, but it doesn’t sound like it.
SD: Oh, honey, sorry no, you’re not making as much as Jenni. We’re making the same, though. More than half my reported salary goes to pay the insurance agency, in case I tear the set down, or suffocate someone with a Craft Service veggie platter. …still working on my anger issues, you see.
TS: But shouldn’t I be making as much as Jenni.
SD: Oh, babe, absolutely not. You’re ugly and lame and nobody cares that you’re on the show.
TS: I thought you were supposed to be working on your anger issues.
SD: I’m not angry, just telling the truth. If I was angry, I’d tell you to cook a fucking turkey burger with that meat slab you call your tits and don’t forget to put some extra cheese on that shit. But look, love, I have to run. The valet is taking longer than 15 seconds to bring me my car so I need to stick my house keys into is right kidney. Kisses!
TS: I just don’t understand. I’m Tori Spelling. I’m Donna Martin. I’m worth the money.
P1: No, you’re not.
TS: I have two best selling books.
P2: Books? Yeah, I don’t… know what that is.
TS: I have a hit reality show on Oxygen, for goshsakes!
P1: Oxygen? What is that? Like, a new show on ABC? What time slot?
TS: No, it’s a cable network.
P2: On American Cable? It’s not one of those Japanese Game Shows? I like seeing people fall down!
TS: It’s a burgeoning American Cable Network! And the season finale of my hit show just broke ratings records. We got a .6!!!! I am a beautiful, talented actress. I’m a star!
P2: You’re a fugly Mom with shaky dialogue skills on a foreign cable Reality show.
P1: That being said, we love having you on the show! You’re doing a great job.
TS: I quit.
P2: We’re very sorry to hear that. It’s been great working with you. All the best to your Dad.
TS: He’s dead.
P2: …awkward. Love to your Mom, then!
TS: We’re not speaking at the moment.
TS: You guys are horrible! I bet you wouldn’t treat Tiffani Thiessen like this!
P1: OMG! Did she say something about me? Does she think I’m cute! Cause I will divorce my wife for Tiffani in a second, I swear it!
P2: Think we can get her on the show now that we have some extra salary money?
P1: Kid, now you’re thinking like a Producer!
TS: Doesn’t anybody love Tori Spelling?