Will Affleck For Food

Ben Affleck really needs to pull it together.

Uh, gotta any acting gigs?

Please, anything you have in your pocket, or production office, will do. I promise not to use it on poker tournaments or runs for political office. I just need them to act.

I haven’t acted in a long time and I’d really like to do that again. So anything you can give would help.

Here, here, let me do a monologue for you.

See, wasn’t that good! I still have it, I swear! Your spare acting gigs will not go to waste. No Gigli’s, I promise. Only Changing Lanes and Chasing Amy quality jobs.

I’m in a 12-step program about my bad script-choosing addiction. I know now that I only did Payback because I was angry at myself and lashing out at Matt for not getting me a gig on Ocean’s Eleven. But I am learning to control my habits.

I just did a cameo in Smoking Aces, where I get killed. See, that’s better, right? You’ve all wanted to see that happen, yes? And wasn’t that scene with me and Bateman funny? Sure, I kept a straight face about as well as Fallon in a Debbie Downer skit, but c’mon, I was there, I should get SOME credit!

Please, I have a wife and daughter to feed. Look, my daughter is getting better press than me; my wife just did a movie with McConaughy. McConaughey! Who knows what grubby slacker disease he osmosised onto her. Damon is a huge mega star now and I’m fucking Jimmy Kimmel. It’s been a rough while for the old Affleck.

I just need a little help, is all. Anything you can spare.

/Russell Crowe walks by

Russell, Russell, please, spare any acting gigs?

/Russell socks Ben in the face, spits in his ear and wipes his shoes on Ben’s ass

I just want to act again!

/Russell drops a script on his fetal body

Oh, oh thank you Russell! State of Play. Well, that sounds good. Who’s in it? Russell, Helen Mirren, Robin Wright Penn, Jeff Daniels, Bateman and wait… OMG… OMFG… ZOMG! Rachel McAdams is in this? THE Rachel McAdams? Do you know what this means???


/A producer walks by and hands Ben a script

Get fucked, Suit, I don’t need your charity direct-to-DVD movie. I’m Ben Affleck! And Imma be a star again!


About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for TheJay.com. The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch, BestWeekEver.tv, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on NowLive.com from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @ www.Twitter.com/jasonamatthews
This entry was posted in Ben Affleck, Ben Affleck: Workin Man, Celebrity. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Will Affleck For Food

  1. Pingback: Recent Links Tagged With "zomg" - JabberTags

  2. lulu says:

    Wonder why he’s not getting any parts…he may have chosen bad scripts before, but he’s a talented actor. Think about his performances in Pearl Harbour and Good Will Hunting, and he co wrote Good Will Hunting with Matt Damon…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>