Uh, gotta any acting gigs?

Please, anything you have in your pocket, or production office, will do. I promise not to use it on poker tournaments or runs for political office. I just need them to act.

I haven’t acted in a long time and I’d really like to do that again. So anything you can give would help.

Here, here, let me do a monologue for you.

See, wasn’t that good! I still have it, I swear! Your spare acting gigs will not go to waste. No Gigli’s, I promise. Only Changing Lanes and Chasing Amy quality jobs.

I’m in a 12-step program about my bad script-choosing addiction. I know now that I only did Payback because I was angry at myself and lashing out at Matt for not getting me a gig on Ocean’s Eleven. But I am learning to control my habits.

I just did a cameo in Smoking Aces, where I get killed. See, that’s better, right? You’ve all wanted to see that happen, yes? And wasn’t that scene with me and Bateman funny? Sure, I kept a straight face about as well as Fallon in a Debbie Downer skit, but c’mon, I was there, I should get SOME credit!

Please, I have a wife and daughter to feed. Look, my daughter is getting better press than me; my wife just did a movie with McConaughy. McConaughey! Who knows what grubby slacker disease he osmosised onto her. Damon is a huge mega star now and I’m fucking Jimmy Kimmel. It’s been a rough while for the old Affleck.

I just need a little help, is all. Anything you can spare.

/Russell Crowe walks by

Russell, Russell, please, spare any acting gigs?

/Russell socks Ben in the face, spits in his ear and wipes his shoes on Ben’s ass

I just want to act again!

/Russell drops a script on his fetal body

Oh, oh thank you Russell! State of Play. Well, that sounds good. Who’s in it? Russell, Helen Mirren, Robin Wright Penn, Jeff Daniels, Bateman and wait… OMG… OMFG… ZOMG! Rachel McAdams is in this? THE Rachel McAdams? Do you know what this means???

BEN AFFLECK IS BACK, BABY!

/A producer walks by and hands Ben a script

Get fucked, Suit, I don’t need your charity direct-to-DVD movie. I’m Ben Affleck! And Imma be a star again!

Bangarang!