/Conner Oberst emos on the soundtrack
/discerning people not in the need of Xanax immediately roll their eyes
“Why is my life so HARD? I just want to rub my hands across some Damien Rice vinyl records and ruminate on the many ways I can fold my heart. Because I am DEEP.
People just don’t understand the complexities that are me. It’s not easy being Zach Braff. It’s not easy being so CREATIVE.
Let them try and pick which Ryan Adams song goes just perfectly with my psuedo-emotional interpersonal relationship drama. I bet they pick “Everybody Knows”, instead of “Two”, cause they’re stupid. And SHALLOW!
This knit sweater perfectly encapsulates my inner torment at being a misunderstood, famous TV star and Grammy winner. The grey stripes represent my annoyance at having to make out with deliriously hot actresses all the time.
/looks at next episode of Scrubs
Another episode where I get to make out with guest star Keri Russell? Oy, why does this world hate me so much?
It’s sad that no one in this world recognizes my stubble as a mask for my lament of modern love. But I do. Because I (snore) dated Mandy Moore. And I LAMENT things. You don’t know the lamenting I have had to DO. Kissing Natalie Portman in the rain does things to you. Sad things. Things I can only express in a slo-motion montage of people looking wistfully into the middle distance, scored by Rilo Kiley. I hope you never feel that type of sorrowful expression. Because it is PAINFUL.
Money is a crutch that inhibits our personal freedom from mindless materialism. I shop at Banana Republic. But I do it ironically!
My glasses make me INDIE. I look down on KCRW, because I am so INDIE. My INDIE glasses win me Independent Spirit Awards for coming up with brilliant ideas like playing Coldplay’s “Don’t Panic” while I stare blankly into a mirror. My glasses help me FEEL.
The Arcade Fire use too many horns. There, I said it. GOD!
You know, I just want to give the world my talent. To show them what is inside Zach Braff. To give them hope that this world is not so bad if you’re the third-highed paid actor on television. That they too could be like me, if only they were better looking, funnier, and had my winning personality. But alas, I can’t. People just aren’t ready to LISTEN. They aren’t ready to UNDERSTAND.
/Zach’s agent calls
What? They want me to do a threesome scene with Courtney Cox and Sarah Chalke? But they’re really attractive! And I’m getting a raise? UGH! God… you just don’t GET IT!
Sigh… it’s OK, Zach, one day you’ll show them. One day…”
(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)