It’s Not Easy Being Zach Braff

Ryan Seacrest gets some Jaws on him.

/Conner Oberst emos on the soundtrack

/discerning people not in the need of Xanax immediately roll their eyes

“Why is my life so HARD? I just want to rub my hands across some Damien Rice vinyl records and ruminate on the many ways I can fold my heart. Because I am DEEP.

People just don’t understand the complexities that are me. It’s not easy being Zach Braff. It’s not easy being so CREATIVE.

Let them try and pick which Ryan Adams song goes just perfectly with my psuedo-emotional interpersonal relationship drama. I bet they pick “Everybody Knows”, instead of “Two”, cause they’re stupid. And SHALLOW!

This knit sweater perfectly encapsulates my inner torment at being a misunderstood, famous TV star and Grammy winner. The grey stripes represent my annoyance at having to make out with deliriously hot actresses all the time.

/looks at next episode of Scrubs

Another episode where I get to make out with guest star Keri Russell? Oy, why does this world hate me so much?

It’s sad that no one in this world recognizes my stubble as a mask for my lament of modern love. But I do. Because I (snore) dated Mandy Moore. And I LAMENT things. You don’t know the lamenting I have had to DO. Kissing Natalie Portman in the rain does things to you. Sad things. Things I can only express in a slo-motion montage of people looking wistfully into the middle distance, scored by Rilo Kiley. I hope you never feel that type of sorrowful expression. Because it is PAINFUL.

Money is a crutch that inhibits our personal freedom from mindless materialism. I shop at Banana Republic. But I do it ironically!

My glasses make me INDIE. I look down on KCRW, because I am so INDIE. My INDIE glasses win me Independent Spirit Awards for coming up with brilliant ideas like playing Coldplay’s “Don’t Panic” while I stare blankly into a mirror. My glasses help me FEEL.

The Arcade Fire use too many horns. There, I said it. GOD!

You know, I just want to give the world my talent. To show them what is inside Zach Braff. To give them hope that this world is not so bad if you’re the third-highed paid actor on television. That they too could be like me, if only they were better looking, funnier, and had my winning personality. But alas, I can’t. People just aren’t ready to LISTEN. They aren’t ready to UNDERSTAND.

/Zach’s agent calls

What? They want me to do a threesome scene with Courtney Cox and Sarah Chalke? But they’re really attractive! And I’m getting a raise? UGH! God… you just don’t GET IT!

Sigh… it’s OK, Zach, one day you’ll show them. One day…”

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for TheJay.com. The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch, BestWeekEver.tv, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on NowLive.com from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @ www.Twitter.com/jasonamatthews
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3 Responses to It’s Not Easy Being Zach Braff

  1. Kim says:

    I just wanted to say that this is Hilarious – as is everything you write, TheJay!

    It’s not easy being so CREATIVE, ok, I mean WHICH Coldplay song do you use….

  2. Natalie says:

    As I said before, Genius! ;)

  3. T. Rizzo says:

    yawn clever, yes yes. Funny picture and all to really tie in the point. It’s too bad no one understands the RAW TALENT and GENIUS SCRIBBLINGS of such a contemporary blogger. I feel such shame having never known of your wit (or existence for that matter) before. One tip though…

    Wit up before I spit up.

    -T. Rizzo

    “Sarcasm is easy, sincerity takes guts. If you don’t have the nuts to mean what you say, just keep your trap shut.”

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