Did you SEE? Did you see how good our girlfriend DID? She looked fantastic! She was funny and fierce and on point! Charming a rapidly unfunny Jonah Hill, opening the show like a pro, winning three awards and looking like a thousand million bucks doing it; showing all the wannabes how it’s done? That was pure DOMINATION from our little Brit Brit. I could not be more proud of her.

I could be prouder of MTV, though. Their transparent need to resurrect our fallen pop star, a girl still so tenuous and unbalanced, and parade her around their travesty of an awards show, hoping she would crash and burn again, was pathetic. Our girl is doing her best to SURVIVE, and they throw her right back into the fire.

Like it wasn’t enough she shot the hilarious promos for the show? Or that she is doing her best to get back into shape and make new music? That she is still catching hell from last year’s show, which by the way, was ENTIRELY MTV’s fault. They should have NEVER let her go on stage. They KNEW the shape she was in, and they let her go on, anyway. They should be ashamed of themselves. And then to have the unmitigated GALL to make her the centerpoint of this year’s show? That’s just low-fi.

I truly believe she was supes totes pissed on the inside. Girl did absolutely EV-ERY-thing right. Looked hot, was polite and sweet; said all the right things. Was gracious and adorable and brief. But if you know her well, if you get what she is and always has been about, you could read between the lines. Hear what she was really saying. I heard. And I’m gonna tell you what she said.

Best Female Video

What she said:

“I’m speechless, oh my goodness. Thank you! This is an honor. Um, I first want to thank God, first and foremost, for just blessing me like this. My beautiful family. Um, my two beautiful boys for inspiring me every day. And my fans. This is for you. Thank you so much.”

What she really meant:

“Thank you! This is such a sham award! I totally knew I was gonna win, it’s the only reason I’m at this pointless event. Um, first and foremost, I want to tell God to kiss my ass for cursing me like this. G, where were you when I was delivered unto my white trash Momma, who let me drink and fuck at 13, like I had ANY idea what the hell I was doing? Where were you when I was being drugged by Adnan? Where the damn hell ass kings were you when the crush of paparazzi was so ferocious and all-consuming that my only recourse was to quite literally become CRAZY? So no, no thank you, no thank you for you. Jerk. My beautiful family, who have given me only grief, bad press and a custody battle so disingenuous and haunting that Amber Waves from Boogie Nights was embarrassed for me. And my fans. The gay ones that still love me, I love you, too! To all you fair-weather bitches that read the blogs and bought the magazines and helped perpetuate my downfall? Ya’ll can get butt cancer and die! Madonna didn’t get treated this poorly and she had a kid with an illegal alien. Man, I started this pop star shit, and this is the motherfucking thanks I get? Yeah, this sham award is for you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Enjoy me looking great again, it’s all for you. Ingrates.”

Best Pop Video

What she said:

“Thank you. This little moon man is cool, thank you so much. I’m speechless. Um, first again I want to thank God, um, for blessing me like this. My beautiful family. Jive Records. Barry Wise, Larry Rudolf for always believing in me. And of course my fans. Thank you so much. This means a lot. Thank you!”

What she really meant:

“Thank you. Thank you for finally giving me one of these useless awards EIGHT GODDAMN YEARS too late. What am I, Pacino in Scent of a Woman? I INVENTED the modern “hot girl with a sense of humor” pop video. Baby One More Time MADE this pathetic cable station. And now when I don’t actually deserve it, I get this? You guys suck. I’m better than this. Always have been. Let me break this down for you real simple, down home trailer trash-style: you’re doing your best to ignore Christina, Mandy is an actress now and even Country music fans won’t have Jessica. Katy Perry is my swampass at the end of a three-hour dance rehearsal. Miley Cyrus needs to check my Rolling Stone spread and learn herself an education. I was doing the Disney sex slut balance beam gambit when she was too small for Toontown, and my ignorant ass was doing it better. Rihanna is a foreigner, the Pussycat Dolls are whores, Heidi Montag is a joke, Jordin Sparks is a Wookie Ogre, Kelly Clarkson is an oft-putting fattie, Pink isn’t even in the conversation and Carrie Underwood is a freaking robot. But I’m STILL STANDING. I’m still here. I’m still strong (and somewhat sane)! You owe me. And it’s about time you start paying up. Chumps.”

Video of the Year

What she said:

“Wow. Thank you, I’m in shock right now. I was not expecting this. This is such an honor to have this award right now. And I just want to dedicate this to all my amazing fans out there for all your support. Thank you. This is dedicated to you.”

What she really meant:

“Wow. You guys go all out to suck up to a bitch, huh? I’m in shock you think this’ll work. Seriously, you think this is gonna get me better? Huh? Make me well, make me whole? Think I’m gonna have some sort of grand comeback that you can capitalize on? Do you realize that I made the best album of my career when I was clinically insane? That I spent 15 minutes on set, swayed a bit for fun and you’re calling it the Best Video of the Year? That I did four sit-ups last Tuesday and my body immediately snapped back to hotness? Do you get how easy this is for me? This is a joke. And I’m sorry ya’ll can’t do this. I really am. Cause if you could I wouldn’t be forced to watch you fumble around and fuck it up, trying to replace me with freaking Tila Tequila. You know who I dedicate this to? Me. This is dedicated to me. I’m Britney, bitch. A musical genius. Don’t you losers EVER forget it!”

Welcome back, Britney, we’ve missed you. And we’re reading you loud and clear.

Bangarang!