Wait. WAIT! Clay Aiken is Hu-WHAT NOW?

Hole up, People Magazine. HOLEUP! Are you trying to tell me that Clay Aiken, CLAY AIKEN, is a gay?

I am shocked. That is SHOCKING!

I can’t measure the level of shock that is me right now.

I am quite literally speechless.

Are you sure? HIM? Really?

And you’re telling me he likes dudes? And has for a long time now?

I can summon NO words to describe my reaction to this UNprecedented exclusive.

I’m gonna let my good friend Phoebe Buffay articulate my response to this BOMBshell. (Just replace Ross for Clay. Shouldn’t be hard. And substitute “Rachel’s pregnant” and “with my child” with “I like to touch dudes” and “with my penis”.

I mean, seriously People Magazine, SERIOUSly. I hope you didn’t PAY for the right to run this non-news. I was pretty sure the whole “Clay is Gay” debate had been settled back when we decided the Earth was motherflipping ROUND.

It would have been an actual, relevant news story if you told me Clay was a Power Top. But I guess we’ll leave THAT exclusive to Kevin Spacey.

Bangarang!