Hey! I just heard about your retirement from acting. I wanted to wish you my sincere congratulations on this momentous life change, and my sincerest hope that you achieve all the goals of your newfound musical career. When one desires to break away from what they know and venture down the road less traveled, the journey is always fraught with obstacle, peril and doubt, but one is pulled up on that journey by the wings of hope and support. We, as your fans, will be those wings, carrying you to your true path of musical greatness.
Your journey, THE journey, demands admiration by those who lack the fortitude, discipline and desire to go the lengths you are beginning to reach for. And I, good sir, admire you.
It takes a strong talent to walk away from the money and fame inherent in movie stardom. You have excelled in your field; you have risen above your peers, having fought for everything you’ve ever had. From your pseudo-cleft palette to being in the shadow of your more talented fallen brother (may River rest in peace), from your surly attitude to your general insolence to the protocol of Hollywood. Two Oscar nominations, great box office heights, critical acclaim, celebrity girlfriends; your story is one of perseverance and passion. Your story is a great one. One I look forward to hearing it in the lyrics of your music.
Yes, the world will never know another thespian like Joaquin Phoenix. And I will be the first to mourn your retirement from acting, inconsolable from the loss of such a titan of the craft. Such a thunderbolt of charisma. Such a star of stars.
Via con dios, Mr. Phoenix. Via con dios…
Wait.
WAIT!
Oh my God, I JUST remembered, Joaquin, I don’t give a shit about you! In FACT, I have never cared about you as an actor. Ever! And I’m fairly certain you’re a right douchebag.
WHOA. Can’t BELIEVE I almost forgot about that. Fa real, that was a close one.
Seriously, Joaquin, no one cares. You won’t be missed. You have contributed exactly zero point zero point nothing to the canon of cinema. Your best work was opposite gruff Aussie actors far better than yourself, in films that were great in SPITE of you. Hell, you were overshadowed by Reese Witherspoon in a biopic for which YOU were playing the guy being bioed!
Am I supposed to give two Jerseys that the second lead of Ladder 49 is calling no mas on his acting career? That the only child actor of the 80’s NOT in a classic 80’s movie (and NO, Space Camp doesn’t count) is choosing to follow the career paths of Johnny Depp and Keanu Reeves, BOTH of whom were superior talents and even still FAILED at music and returned to acting?
How about “no”, OK?
There has not been ONE moment in the history of my life where your presence in a movie caused me to pay cash money to watch. I have never woken up with a sudden craving to sit down for a Joaquin Phoenix movie marathon. I tolerated you. At best. And in the three years since you had a movie out worth watching, I haven’t missed you.
So go. Go right along and DABBLE in music. Which you will no doubt be as middling in as Terrence Howard, RoDoJu, Johnny, Keanu, Shane West, Eddie Murphy, Bruce Willis, Kevin Bacon, Joey Lawrence and Billy Bob Thornton.
Go take your bullshit attitude, your “I hate the press” demeanor and your all black wardrobe CLEARLY stolen from John Cusack and disappear into some grungy LA bar, never to be heard or seen from again. I can’t wait till your begging the bored US Weekly papz sitting outside the Roxy on a slow Tuesday night to please, pretty PLEASE, take your picture!
Go do your music. BUT! Never forget, not for one second, that you are replaceable. Know that Beyonce song? That’s you, bitch. Put a ring on it and be gone. We’ll be just fine.
After all, without you, there’s still this guy:
And this guy:
And this guy:
And this guy:
And this guy:
And this guy:
And this guy:
And this guy:
And this guy:
And this guy:
He says good luck and say hi to your mother for him.
Welcome to “Hand or Paw” the game where we show you an appendage and you decide if it’s a celebrity hand or an animal paw.
With me as always is my intimidating co-host: Harrison Ford’s Finger Point of Doom. How you doing Harrison Ford’s Finger Point of Doom?
How DARE you, sir!
Uh… OK! That’s our Harrison Ford’s Finger Point of Doom, always giving our show inspiration and motivation.
Without further ado… Let’s start today’s game!
Today’s game feature’s two rounds and one bonus round. Remember, I will show you a picture of an appendage and you tell me if it is the hand of a celebrity or the paw of an animal!
Are you ready?
Here is your first appendage:
There’s the image. Now…
HAND
OR
PAW
???
…
…
…
If you guessed “PAW”, you are CORRECT:
That is the paw-like appendage of newly crowned Indie Queen Kat Dennings. When she’s not running around New York City and falling in love with George Michael Bluth, Kat Deeley can be found in various rivers and streams grabbing salmon right out of the water. We also hear she’s in preliminary talks to do be the CGI model for Baloo in a remake of The Jungle Book.
Harrison Ford’s Finger Point of Doom, what did you think of that round:
You find that man! You FIND THAT MAN!
Riiiiight. OK!
It’s time for Round Two, where all the points are worthy double!
Here is your Round Two appendage:
HAND
OR
PAW
???
…
…
…
This is a hard one. I’ll give you a few more minutes to come up with an answer. Is it the preternaturally large hand of a rotund comedian? Could it be the hairless paw of a giant dog? Or maybe it’s Cameron Diaz? Who knows?
Time to find out. We showed you an appendage, and we asked you: HAND or PAW?
If you said… “PAW”… you are INCORRECT! It’s actually a HAAAAAND!!!
Show them that hand:
That’s right, it’s the hand of former fictional hand model George Costanza. That was a tricky one.
Harrison Ford’s Finger Point of Doom, did you know that was a hand?
GET OFF MY PLANE!
Not really on your plane there, HFFPoD. You’re actually on MY game show. But that’s OK. You’re still the best. You still excite the contestants and scare the audience. Your righteous first digit commands respect, and I am only too happy to give it.
What do you say we go straight to the BONUS ROUND?
In the Bonus Round we give you a TRULY difficult “Hand or Paw” question, and give everyone out there a chance to steal the game. We’re throwing out the points and making this question worth the whole game. Are you ready? Yes?
Then let’s play HAND or PAW!!!
Your Bonus Round appendage, for all the marbles:
As always, we’re looking for you to decide if it’s a
HAND
OR
PAW
???
Do do do do, dododo, do do do do DO, dododododo, do do do do, do do DO! DO DO!
OK contestants, we’ve had a remarkable game so far. An actual bear paw on a celebrity. A hand on what could be a human animal. And now this mysterious appendage. I’ll be honest, even I don’t know the answer to this one. I’m going to read the card and be just as surprised by you.
It’s time for the moment of truth! The Bonus Round answer of HAND OR PAW! And the appendage is…
OH MY GOD! It’s a trick question! It’s neither a hand or a paw, but instead, the gnarled witch claw of noted celebrity vampire Kirsten Dunst!
An AMAZING twist!
Gotta stay on your toes when you play this game. Harrison Ford’s Finger Point of Doom, did you have ANY idea that was really the gnarled witch hand of noted celebrity vampire Kirsten Dunst?
THAT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM!
So do you! And thank you again for ignoring my question. …jeez, maybe we should replace you with Nicolas Cage’s Maimed Wood Hand from Moonstruck. He’s just as annoying, but at least he can carry on a conversation.
Anyway…
This has been an AMAZING show. Surprises at every turn. We hope you’ve enjoyed it. So for Harrison Ford’s Finger Point of Doom, I’m your host, The Jay, saying if it’s not a hand or paw, it’s an entirely different game.
After taking under advisement Beyo-err… Sasha Fierce’s sage advice that “if you like than you should have put a ring on it”, and worried that I might possibly have offended that which I hold quite dear by NOT putting a ring on it yet, even though I love it so, I would like to take this opportunity to claim full-on ring placement on the following people, places and things.
The Jay OFFICIALLY puts a ring on:
“Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon
The cold, Nordic disenchantment of Betty Draper.
The triumphant, MILF-tastic return of Britney Spears.
Beyonce wagging her vagina at me (seconds :51 - :57).
My friend Audiebird, currently rising the BFF charts, who not only introduced me to the Beyonce song and video in question, but carefully and patiently explained to me WHY the song and video are so great, as such is my ignorance of the language of pop music. And also for giving me 15% of all my material. And 8% of all my recent vocal mannerisms.
The poem “Mayakovsy” by Frank O’Hara.
Keanu Reeves (natch)
Random text messages from friends you haven’t seen in forever that lead to spontaneous, fun plans.
Canada Dry Diet Ginger Ale
Chicago hot dogs with everything on it.
My secret belief that Twilight will NOT be the megahit everyone claims it will be. Who REALLY cares about the story of a passive teen girl who falls for a vampire? Seriously, that’s a movie I need to see? Call me when someone gets attacked by a Dementor or plays some Quidditch.
Old Barney
Les Grossman on the phone, telling the bad guys to “take a step back… and literally fuck your face.”
Andy Samberg as Mark Wahlberg talking to animals, resulting in Mark throwing a hissy fit in the press about being parodied, even though it’s a compliment on par with Don Draper holding the door open for you, and then mysteriously showing up on SNL days later to satirize himself, most likely at the behest of his Agent who told him: “you get your ass ON THAT SHOW and say hi to the mother of ANY animal they put in front of you. Even Fred Armisen! How DARE you get your git up about a skit about YOU when you’re BARELY an A-list star? Take a page from Alec Baldwin and go be a mensch. You got it? Good! Now take a step back and literally fuck your face!”
The realization that if I’m white, I’m Ben Affleck.
The 2006 Late Harvest Viognier from Zaca Mesa.
Dermatology
Anything KT Tunstall has sung in her entire life.
Mad Men (super natch), and related: Don Draper’s Guide To Picking Up Women.
Nicole Ritchie on Chuck. There, I said it.
Gmail’s new ability to block e-mails sent late at night as a precaution against your own poor judgment, a feature I wish T-Mobile would look into (it would save Drunk The Jay from having to write so many apology texts).
The Miami Dolphins Wildcat Formation
Facebook status updates that are written in the correct tense.
The trailer for Australia.
The trailer for Bride Wars.
All you guys being cool about me taking a small break from blogging. Recess is over, I promise.
And of course, OF COURSE, Eddie Murphy’s Giant Head.
Hey! I just heard about your retirement from acting. I wanted to wish you my sincere congratulations on this momentous life change, and my sincerest hope that you achieve all the goals of your newfound musical career. When one desires to break away from what they know and venture down the road less traveled, the journey is always fraught with obstacle, peril and doubt, but one is pulled up on that journey by the wings of hope and support. We, as your fans, will be those wings, carrying you to your true path of musical greatness.
How DARE you, sir!
