HEATHER LOCKLEAR: Beelz, it’s Heff.
SATAN: (under his breath) oh, no.
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: SATAN, are you there?
SATAN: (sighs) Yes, Ms. Locklear, I am here. What can I do for you? Make it quick, I’m watching Gossip Girl. That Chuck Bass is quite the role model, always raping people and ruining lives. He’s like the son I never had.
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: Set your TiVo like the rest of us. This is important. I need your help.
SATAN: Now Heather, you know you only get one rejuvenation potion per month. Call me again in October.
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: No, dammit. I’ve been arrested.
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: Well do something about it!
SATAN: That’s not our deal.
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: Fuck our deal! My mugshot looked horrible. Pictures ARE a part of our deal.
SATAN: Studio publicity stills, yes. Paparazzi pics, sure. But we have nothing in the contract about mug shots. You should have considered combing your hair and blotting your raccoon eyes before you got blasted and rode down Sunset Blvd.
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: Stop splitting hairs, dick. I haven’t been on TV in two years! I just shot a TV movie called “Flirting with 40″. 40! I’m not supposed to look 40 till 2018! This mugshot will RUIN me.
SATAN: Heather, you’re 74 years old and you look like Charlize Theron’s sister. I think a movie about you being 40 is a compliment.
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: And I think Spencer Pratt could play you in a movie is a compliment. So there!
SATAN: Oh come now, that’s just rude. I’ve kept your career going. Would you like me to revoke our deal? Would you like the world to know what you really look? Like Jessica Tandy after a three day meth binge?
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: No.
SATAN: Good. I would hope not. And I would suggest you consider how you speak to me in the future. Shannen Doherty tried this tack recently and I’m sure you’ve seen how that worked out for her.
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: She looks like a middle-aged Asian Woman.
SATAN: That’s right. I don’t want that for you. I’m going to let you in on a secret: Melrose Place is my favorite show of all time.
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: But it was crap!
SATAN: And yet it stayed on the air for six years. You’re WELCOME!
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: I appreciate all that you’ve done for me. I really do. A plastic faced blonde Motley Crue groupie doesn’t usually go far in this town, but you’ve given me a healthy thirty year career. And I don’t regret for a second getting into business with you. But now I need something else.
SATAN: What can I do for you, my child?
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: I need YOUTH! I will do anything. I will drink the blood of orphans. I will sacrifice puppies. I will do a Melrose Place reunion.
SATAN: Would you slap Courtney Thorne-Smith and wear absurdly short skirts?
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: OBVS!
SATAN: Hmmm… as much as I would love to see that, I can’t. No TV Network would allow Andrew Shue back on television. I’m the Devil, not GOD. How about a role in the new Hannah Montana movie?
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: I’ll take it!
SATAN: But in return, I want your soul!
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: You already have my soul.
SATAN: Then I want… Richard Wagner’s autograph!
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: Thanks Satan, you won’t regret it.
SATAN: I know. Oh, Richard Wagner, with your perfect 80’s yuppie hair and smooth golf swing. Your autograph will be my prized possession.
HEATHER LOCKLEAR: The Lock is back! And she’s DRUNK!