Heather Locklear Gets Her One Phone Call

/phone rings.

SATAN: Hellloooo?

HEATHER LOCKLEAR: Beelz, it’s Heff.

SATAN: (under his breath) oh, no.


SATAN: (sighs) Yes, Ms. Locklear, I am here. What can I do for you? Make it quick, I’m watching Gossip Girl. That Chuck Bass is quite the role model, always raping people and ruining lives. He’s like the son I never had.

HEATHER LOCKLEAR: Set your TiVo like the rest of us. This is important. I need your help.

SATAN: Now Heather, you know you only get one rejuvenation potion per month. Call me again in October.

HEATHER LOCKLEAR: No, dammit. I’ve been arrested.


HEATHER LOCKLEAR: Well do something about it!

SATAN: That’s not our deal.

HEATHER LOCKLEAR: Fuck our deal! My mugshot looked horrible. Pictures ARE a part of our deal.

SATAN: Studio publicity stills, yes. Paparazzi pics, sure. But we have nothing in the contract about mug shots. You should have considered combing your hair and blotting your raccoon eyes before you got blasted and rode down Sunset Blvd.

HEATHER LOCKLEAR: Stop splitting hairs, dick. I haven’t been on TV in two years! I just shot a TV movie called “Flirting with 40″. 40! I’m not supposed to look 40 till 2018! This mugshot will RUIN me.

SATAN: Heather, you’re 74 years old and you look like Charlize Theron’s sister. I think a movie about you being 40 is a compliment.

HEATHER LOCKLEAR: And I think Spencer Pratt could play you in a movie is a compliment. So there!

SATAN: Oh come now, that’s just rude. I’ve kept your career going. Would you like me to revoke our deal? Would you like the world to know what you really look? Like Jessica Tandy after a three day meth binge?


SATAN: Good. I would hope not. And I would suggest you consider how you speak to me in the future. Shannen Doherty tried this tack recently and I’m sure you’ve seen how that worked out for her.

HEATHER LOCKLEAR: She looks like a middle-aged Asian Woman.

SATAN: That’s right. I don’t want that for you. I’m going to let you in on a secret: Melrose Place is my favorite show of all time.

HEATHER LOCKLEAR: But it was crap!

SATAN: And yet it stayed on the air for six years. You’re WELCOME!

HEATHER LOCKLEAR: I appreciate all that you’ve done for me. I really do. A plastic faced blonde Motley Crue groupie doesn’t usually go far in this town, but you’ve given me a healthy thirty year career. And I don’t regret for a second getting into business with you. But now I need something else.

SATAN: What can I do for you, my child?

HEATHER LOCKLEAR: I need YOUTH! I will do anything. I will drink the blood of orphans. I will sacrifice puppies. I will do a Melrose Place reunion.

SATAN: Would you slap Courtney Thorne-Smith and wear absurdly short skirts?


SATAN: Hmmm… as much as I would love to see that, I can’t. No TV Network would allow Andrew Shue back on television. I’m the Devil, not GOD. How about a role in the new Hannah Montana movie?


SATAN: But in return, I want your soul!

HEATHER LOCKLEAR: You already have my soul.

SATAN: Then I want… Richard Wagner’s autograph!

HEATHER LOCKLEAR: Thanks Satan, you won’t regret it.

SATAN: I know. Oh, Richard Wagner, with your perfect 80’s yuppie hair and smooth golf swing. Your autograph will be my prized possession.

HEATHER LOCKLEAR: The Lock is back! And she’s DRUNK!


About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for TheJay.com. The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch, BestWeekEver.tv, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on NowLive.com from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @ www.Twitter.com/jasonamatthews
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One Response to Heather Locklear Gets Her One Phone Call

  1. beyotch says:

    Happy F’ing New Year!

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