Inside the Minds of the Justin and Jessica

/Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel arrive at a wedding

She’s Thinking: I said wear the burgundy tie. I’ll be in a burgundy dress, so we’d match. But no, he had to wear the gunmetal grey.

He’s Thinking: My look is sharp, yo! Tizzle tizzle!

She’s Thinking: I put highlights in my hair. I put on make-up. I waxed my legs. I filed down my man shoulders. I did my nails. I sharpened my nose. I am, as always, presentable to the public. But is he? Uh, no. He thinks just because he’s a global sex icon he can get away with looking like a bum. And you know what, he can. But would it KILL HIM to use some damn shampoo once a month?

He’s Thinking: I’m mad at my Bic, and now my beard is thick. What goes around, comes around. WICKA WICKA, REH REH. Bust it! On fyah!

She’s Thinking: I’m not going to drink tonight, because I am in training. Have to keep my figure on lock down. That Megan Fox is gaining on me. And I don’t have the luxury of looking like a natural woman, like her. I have to WORK at it. It takes DEDICATION! Look at him, drunk already.

He’s Thinking: Splishity Sploshity, bitches! JT hear ta holla! Imma get some cake and eat it! Sing-y!

She’s Thinking: Just stay focused, Jessica. Dating Justin is good for your image. You won’t get anymore of those linebacker jokes. People won’t comment on how hard your face is, or how weirdly buff your arms are. Ellen will finally stop calling you. You’re close Biel. CLOSE! Just glaze your eyes over. And… glazed.

He’s Thinking: Man, her hands be strong, B! Like a linebacker with weirdly buff arms.

She’s Thinking: God, he still REEKS of Cameron Diaz. I’m never getting the smell of three-day meth binge out of my apartment.

He’s Thinking: Who’s got two thumbs and loves the McConaughey hygiene plan?

She’s Thinking: I bet he forgot the gift, too.

He’s Thinking: Good thing I always have a gift handy. (pulls box out) Let me just write down the instructions. Step 1…

She’s Thinking: If it wasn’t for his excellent musical taste and sexy dancing style, I swear, I would never go out of my way to be so feminine.

He’s Thinking: I’m Mrs. Oh My God that Britney’s Shameless! Who wants a Piece of Me? Damn, that shit be catchy! Imma ask the DJ to play at. And then Imma gonna dance! JT! DROP THAT TROMBONE BEAT!


About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch,, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @
This entry was posted in Celebrity, Jessica Biel, JT, Music. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Inside the Minds of the Justin and Jessica

  1. nat says:

    all right buddy i may let the shia jokes slide, but when you start to mess with justin i may have to take a stand.

    p.s. the dick in a box line however made me crack up very loudly! ;0)

  2. beyotch says:

    Good to see you’re taking a break from blogging. You can’t compete with gay men or women. Next!

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