Things For Which The Jay Is Putting A Ring On It

After taking under advisement Beyo-err… Sasha Fierce’s sage advice that “if you like than you should have put a ring on it”, and worried that I might possibly have offended that which I hold quite dear by NOT putting a ring on it yet, even though I love it so, I would like to take this opportunity to claim full-on ring placement on the following people, places and things.

The Jay OFFICIALLY puts a ring on:

- “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon

- The cold, Nordic disenchantment of Betty Draper.

- The triumphant, MILF-tastic return of Britney Spears.

- Beyonce wagging her vagina at me (seconds :51 – :57).

- My friend Audiebird, currently rising the BFF charts, who not only introduced me to the Beyonce song and video in question, but carefully and patiently explained to me WHY the song and video are so great, as such is my ignorance of the language of pop music. And also for giving me 15% of all my material. And 8% of all my recent vocal mannerisms.

- The poem “Mayakovsy” by Frank O’Hara.

- Keanu Reeves (natch)

- Random text messages from friends you haven’t seen in forever that lead to spontaneous, fun plans.

- Canada Dry Diet Ginger Ale

- Chicago hot dogs with everything on it.

- My secret belief that Twilight will NOT be the megahit everyone claims it will be. Who REALLY cares about the story of a passive teen girl who falls for a vampire? Seriously, that’s a movie I need to see? Call me when someone gets attacked by a Dementor or plays some Quidditch.

- Old Barney

- Les Grossman on the phone, telling the bad guys to “take a step back… and literally fuck your face.”

- Andy Samberg as Mark Wahlberg talking to animals, resulting in Mark throwing a hissy fit in the press about being parodied, even though it’s a compliment on par with Don Draper holding the door open for you, and then mysteriously showing up on SNL days later to satirize himself, most likely at the behest of his Agent who told him: “you get your ass ON THAT SHOW and say hi to the mother of ANY animal they put in front of you. Even Fred Armisen! How DARE you get your git up about a skit about YOU when you’re BARELY an A-list star? Take a page from Alec Baldwin and go be a mensch. You got it? Good! Now take a step back and literally fuck your face!”

- The realization that if I’m white, I’m Ben Affleck.

- The 2006 Late Harvest Viognier from Zaca Mesa.

- Dermatology

- Anything KT Tunstall has sung in her entire life.

- Mad Men (super natch), and related: Don Draper’s Guide To Picking Up Women.

- Nicole Ritchie on Chuck. There, I said it.

- Gmail’s new ability to block e-mails sent late at night as a precaution against your own poor judgment, a feature I wish T-Mobile would look into (it would save Drunk The Jay from having to write so many apology texts).

- The Miami Dolphins Wildcat Formation

- Facebook status updates that are written in the correct tense.

- The trailer for Australia.

- The trailer for Bride Wars.

- All you guys being cool about me taking a small break from blogging. Recess is over, I promise.

- And of course, OF COURSE, Eddie Murphy’s Giant Head.

Bangarang!

About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for TheJay.com. The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch, BestWeekEver.tv, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on NowLive.com from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @ www.Twitter.com/jasonamatthews
This entry was posted in Beyonce, Britney Spears, Celebrity, Eddie Murphy's Giant Head, Grey's Anatomy, Harry Potter, How I Met Your Mother, Keanu Reeves, KT Tunstall, Mad Men, Music, Television. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Things For Which The Jay Is Putting A Ring On It

  1. viola says:

    Glad to have you back from recess, little boy. And I’d put a ring on Keanu any day. He is my kindrid spirit in the reading of Tolstoy. And those who think Keanu’s an idiot should read and understand Tolstoy before they judge the guy. Be excellent to each other.

  2. viola says:

    Kindred. Yes I do know how to spell…at least phonetically.

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