The World Will Never Know Another Joaquin Phoenix

Dear Joaquin,

Hey! I just heard about your retirement from acting. I wanted to wish you my sincere congratulations on this momentous life change, and my sincerest hope that you achieve all the goals of your newfound musical career. When one desires to break away from what they know and venture down the road less traveled, the journey is always fraught with obstacle, peril and doubt, but one is pulled up on that journey by the wings of hope and support. We, as your fans, will be those wings, carrying you to your true path of musical greatness.

Your journey, THE journey, demands admiration by those who lack the fortitude, discipline and desire to go the lengths you are beginning to reach for. And I, good sir, admire you.

It takes a strong talent to walk away from the money and fame inherent in movie stardom. You have excelled in your field; you have risen above your peers, having fought for everything you’ve ever had. From your pseudo-cleft palette to being in the shadow of your more talented fallen brother (may River rest in peace), from your surly attitude to your general insolence to the protocol of Hollywood. Two Oscar nominations, great box office heights, critical acclaim, celebrity girlfriends; your story is one of perseverance and passion. Your story is a great one. One I look forward to hearing it in the lyrics of your music.

Yes, the world will never know another thespian like Joaquin Phoenix. And I will be the first to mourn your retirement from acting, inconsolable from the loss of such a titan of the craft. Such a thunderbolt of charisma. Such a star of stars.

Via con dios, Mr. Phoenix. Via con dios…

Wait.

WAIT!

Oh my God, I JUST remembered, Joaquin, I don’t give a shit about you! In FACT, I have never cared about you as an actor. Ever! And I’m fairly certain you’re a right douchebag.

WHOA. Can’t BELIEVE I almost forgot about that. Fa real, that was a close one.

Seriously, Joaquin, no one cares. You won’t be missed. You have contributed exactly zero point zero point nothing to the canon of cinema. Your best work was opposite gruff Aussie actors far better than yourself, in films that were great in SPITE of you. Hell, you were overshadowed by Reese Witherspoon in a biopic for which YOU were playing the guy being bioed!

Am I supposed to give two Jerseys that the second lead of Ladder 49 is calling no mas on his acting career? That the only child actor of the 80′s NOT in a classic 80′s movie (and NO, Space Camp doesn’t count) is choosing to follow the career paths of Johnny Depp and Keanu Reeves, BOTH of whom were superior talents and even still FAILED at music and returned to acting?

How about “no”, OK?

There has not been ONE moment in the history of my life where your presence in a movie caused me to pay cash money to watch. I have never woken up with a sudden craving to sit down for a Joaquin Phoenix movie marathon. I tolerated you. At best. And in the three years since you had a movie out worth watching, I haven’t missed you.

So go. Go right along and DABBLE in music. Which you will no doubt be as middling in as Terrence Howard, RoDoJu, Johnny, Keanu, Shane West, Eddie Murphy, Bruce Willis, Kevin Bacon, Joey Lawrence and Billy Bob Thornton.

Go take your bullshit attitude, your “I hate the press” demeanor and your all black wardrobe CLEARLY stolen from John Cusack and disappear into some grungy LA bar, never to be heard or seen from again. I can’t wait till your begging the bored US Weekly papz sitting outside the Roxy on a slow Tuesday night to please, pretty PLEASE, take your picture!

Go do your music. BUT! Never forget, not for one second, that you are replaceable. Know that Beyonce song? That’s you, bitch. Put a ring on it and be gone. We’ll be just fine.

After all, without you, there’s still this guy:

And this guy:

And this guy:

And this guy:

And this guy:

And this guy:

And this guy:

And this guy:

And this guy:

And this guy:

He says good luck and say hi to your mother for him.

But I say: “Smell ya later, LEAF!”

Love,

The Jay

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for TheJay.com. The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch, BestWeekEver.tv, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on NowLive.com from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @ www.Twitter.com/jasonamatthews
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4 Responses to The World Will Never Know Another Joaquin Phoenix

  1. A. Bird says:

    Ro-Do-Ju’s album The Futurist is actually really good.

  2. The Jay says:

    That comment had nothing to do with relative quality of the album, just overall sales. But incidentally, yes, the album is pretty good.

  3. kara says:

    I really like Joaquin Phoenix.I have bought films that were otherwise pretty bad and unheard of just because he was in them.sure, there are all those other actors but they just don’t exude the same dark,tortured soul thing of Joaquin.

  4. Marni says:

    Yes, well. Space Camp did star the lovely and talented Ms. Kelly Preston, Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds and, of course, Kate Capshaw. But, don’t forget Parenthood. I liked Parenthood.

    PS I am addicted to your blog.

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