Katie Holmes Is Stealing My Look

Nov 14th, 2008

I will now prove to you, with irrefutable evidence, that Katie Holmes has visited my Facebook page, stolen my look and robbed me of the credit.

This picture of me doing my world famous, deadly sexy Jewociraptor pose was taken on the night of the Mad Men Season Finale on Sunday October 26th:

Before you start casting aspertions on my life choices, let me tell you the point of this picture.

This pose originates from the Jurassic Park theme park ride at Universal Studios. It’s a water ride, filled with scary dinos of all sorts, including the fierce T-Rex at the end, right before the big drop. But there is one dinosaur that is completely lame. Lame in the way Kristen Bell dating Dax Shepard is lame. You can see him when you are being pulled up the escalator in preparation for the big drop. Out of nowhere, and inexplicably, on the left side of the boat is a lone velociraptor effetely sticking his claws out at you. It doesn’t make noise. It doesn’t even move. It’s a completely useless piece of animatronics. Like Nicole Kidman’s forehead. And I’m doing an impression of this gay dinosaur.

Also, my arms are an homage to Matthew McConaughey.

NOW.

THIS picture was taken less than a week ago:

Here we see Katie Holmes leaving a store in New York City and posing for the paparazzi by using my EXACT Jewociraptor face.

Don’t believe me? Here’s a side-by-side comparison:

Notice our faces, pulled into our chins. The scrunched eyes, with turned in eyebrows. Thick, Rocky in Round 15 eyelids. The nose dimples; mine creating a Zelda tri-force symbol-like shape where my unibrow reappears every five days; hers creating a “u” in the center of her face. Notice the matching smile lines, thicker than Mel Gibson on a cigarette bender. Check the crooked smile, me trying for “awesome”, her trying for “I’m secretly fooling everyone by appearing to be a zombie slave to Tom, but in reality, am creating a whole race of uber-cute celebrity babies that The Jay is secretly planning to steal“. Our teeth, each doing a variation on the Arquette mouth.

And then there’s the hands.

I’m doing VelociConaughy, and she’s waving a crooked palm. Both of us looking equally suspicious. And gay. We could be brother and sister. Or twinsies.

SO.

Either A: I’m looking way to much into this, which, uh, not likely, or B: she is pulling a JJLeigh in Single White Female and soon Stephen Tobolowsky will be forcing himself on my right tit and Katie will be throwing my cat out a window and blowing Tim Daly. Assuming, of course, she hasn’t done those things already. There’s no telling what really goes on at the Cruise Compound. Regardless, I’m scared shitless cause I look terrible with a red bowl cut and I don’t want a new roommate.

And does this mean that I will now subconsciously start resembling Katie? Will I have a sudden, inexplicable urge to fuck Chris Klein and get so skinny that each and every one of my vertebrae are visible from space. Will I have to be friends with Victoria Beckham? Will James Van Der Beek no longer repulse me with every fiber of my being? Cause FUCK THAT.

This is out of control. I need to make my Facebook page private and file a pre-emptive restraining order. No way the star of Teaching Ms. Tingle is stealing MY identity.

…

Oh, no, it’s gotten out of hand!