I’m not an arbitrary writer. My mind, like most triple digit IQ noggins, though it works semi-spontaneously, makes its money through logical patterns. A sequence of cohesive, directional responses. What I’m getting at here is this: I write about things that NEED to be written about. I don’t make up celebrity shenanigans; mostly because in Hollywood, truth is far more fun than fiction. I comment on only what’s in front of me. I leave the lists up to people who are bored in a room. Vanity Fair fluff pieces are far more fun to read, than write. And gossip is a wormdouche’s game (get dead, Perez Hilton).

To appropriate a line from Grosse Pointe Blank: If I’m posting about you, chances are you did something to make me post about you.

While I am keenly aware of the goings on of Heidi and Spencer, their lives mean dick to me. On the other end of the spectrum, William H. Macy is too classy to do something stupid enough for me to write about. When I blog semi-meanly about Reese or Lindsay or Tom or Katie or whomever, it’s because they did something so high-level, so objectively ludicrous, that to ignore it would be an injustice to the world.

Again, to simplify, as I’m so riled up I keep adding on gratuitous intro paragraphs, is this: I don’t care about celebrities who are useless. I won’t write about them. I’ve never once written about Kim Kardashian or DJ AM or Lauren Conrad or Danny Bonaduce, et al. Because that shit is low-fi.

SO.

So when a low-fi celebrity does something that raises MY eyebrows enough to get fingers on keys, especially during a slow blogging period, you can bet it was egregious. And people, emo-troll Pete Wentz and lip-synching nose disaster Ashlee Simpson naming their child “Bronx Mowgli Wentz” is egregious. To a degree a Rhodes Scholar couldn’t quantify. We’re gonna need Will Hunting up in this bitch.

Bronx. Mowgli. Wentz.

I need to tackle this atrocity one name at a time.

BRONX

Let’s get this out of the way, right away: Bronx is a low rent, homeless person’s bastard rip-off the Beckham baby name Brooklyn. Brooklyn can at LEAST be shortened to Brook, but Bronx? How is that endearing? You wanna be the girl who has to moan that name in 18 years? You’re gonna sound like a retarded Yankees fan.

I’ll give Ashlee and Pete credit over the Beckham’s in one respect: at least Pete is FROM the Bronx. I doubt Victoria and David have ever stepped into the borough of Brooklyn. However, isn’t Ashlee from the South? Isn’t she, on principle, allergic to the Bronx? What did Pete have to give her for the naming rights on this one? Is their second child gonna be “Hoedown Jude Law Simpson”?

Is it good or bad if the kid doesn’t actually grow up in the Bronx? If he does, will the constant double context use of the word “Bronx” give him fits and therapy material? If he doesn’t, will he be resentful of his parents for naming him after a city they felt too high and mighty to live in?

Dude, you just know this kid is going to be ugly.

MOWGLI

If Mowgli is meant to be the Mowgli from The Jungle Book, Pete and Ashlee need to SIDDOWN! You do NOT disrespect the greatest Disney animated movie of all-time by naming your celebaby after the mancub. I will end lives over this. I will put on Variety shows in their asses. OH, and BESIDES, if you’re gonna drop Jungle Book character refs on your kid, but not use “Baloo”, then you’re just an idiot. Which, when I think about Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson, is entirely possible.

Too much bile and rage is vomiting up to my surface, let’s just move on.

BRONX WENTZ

Is this supposed to be a comic book name? You can match sounds and be truly proud of yourself if the rhyme is STUPID. “X” and “Z” have no business being in relationship to one another. You need a natural sonic device. Brooklyn Beckham. Do you see? George Foreman. It’s about dialectics, people. Bronx Wentz is a name that trips you up. It jails the tongue. Saying “Wentz” is hard enough in a sentence, as you close up and come to a dead stop on that syllable.

Say “Bronx Wentz” a few times in a row, is your tongue starting to hurt? It should. Cause the name is a punishment. Lord help this child if he has a lisp, a stutter or an accent.

BRONX MOWGLI WENTZ
On the douchebag celebrity baby name scale, with “Violet Affleck” as a 1 and “Audio Science Clayton” as a 10, I’m giving this an 8.

I just attained a newfound fondness for Pilot Inspektor Lee.

In conclusion: Pete, Ashlee, congratulations on the birth of your first child. A happy and healthy baby is all any couple can ask for. I wish your child only the greatest of happiness and limited exposure to Jessica. Creating a human life is a beautiful thing; an act to respect and cherish. You should be quite proud of your achievement.

Now go fuck yourselves.

Bangarang!

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About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for TheJay.com. The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch, BestWeekEver.tv, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on NowLive.com from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @ www.Twitter.com/jasonamatthews
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