“Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign. If you haven’t already done so, please stow your carry-on luggage underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin. Please make sure your seat back and folding trays are in their full, upright position.
If you are seated next to an emergency exit, please read carefully the special instructions card located by your seat. If you do not wish to perform the functions described in the event of an emergency, please ask a flight attendant to reseat you.
At this time, we request that all cellular phones, pagers, radios and remote controlled toys be turned off for the full duration of the flight, as these items might interfere with the navigational and communication equipment on this aircraft. We request that all other electronic devices be turned off until we fly above 10,000 feet. We will notify you when it is safe to use such devices.
Smoking is prohibited on the entire aircraft, including the lavatories. Tampering with, disabling or destroying the lavatory smoke detectors is prohibited by law.)
If you have any questions about our flight today, please don’t hesitate to ask one of our flight attendants. And if you have any complaints about the way we serve you today, keep it to yourself. We’re doing the best we can on this plastic tube of death and stale air. The last thing we need is you mouth-breathers bitching about the lack of leg room or the crying baby in front of you.
Jesus. It’s the holidays. Be nice. FUCK!
Enjoy your flight.”
Bangarang!
