Tom Cruise Would Be Happy To Attend The Opening Of Your Yarn Store

I'm definitely seeing this movie.

Former Super-White Hot Mega-Huge Ginormous Movie Star Tom Cruise took time out of his busy Valkyrie (slash career-saving) promotional schedule this week to tape a message for Hills douchecouple Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, chiding Spencer for not allowing Heidi to have the big tabloid spectacle wedding her publicist dreamed of. Also this week, The Cruiser stopped by Canada’s MuchonDemand studio to be further embarrassed about his once uber-bright movie career.

With just two weeks left before his Good Nazi’s vs. Bad Nazi’s thriller brings us all a bit of Christmas joy, Tom is on a mad dash to spread the word about the film. His PR team has sent around a list of highlights left on his promotional jag. I will share this list with you now.

December 10th - Tom will do a live-to-tape interview on BBC1 with British flunkie Russell Brand. Topics in discussion: how he picks his movie roles, his love of Katie Holmes and effect of skinny jeans on manjunk.

December 11th - Tom will appear make a cameo appearance on an episode of Doña Bárbara for Mexico’s Telemundo. He will be playing the part of Tomas, the wise caucasian gardener

December 13th - Tom will guest cantor Stuart Weingardner’s Bar Mitzvah at Temple Beth El in Bloomfield Hills, MI. His Kaddush is not to be missed.

December 14th - Tom is scheduled to do a brief interview on local Boston Public Access Show “Sully and Denise”, to discuss the Boston Red Sox’s decision not to pursue free agent pitcher CC Sabathia. It should be wicked pisser!

December 15th - Tom will cut the ribbon for the grand opening of Earl’s Eyepatches in Chula, Georgia.

December 17th - A much-deserved day off.

December 18th - Tom will appear on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. (He is still TOM CRUISE, after all)

December 20th - Tom will spend one hour anonymously posting anti-Australia comments to

December 21st - Scientology function. No details provided.

December 23rd - Tom will ride the ceremonial John Deere tractor in the 36th Annual Gold Star Tractathalon Tractor Pull in Amarillo, Texas.

December 25th - Tom will appear at the corner of Olympic and Sepulveda in West LA holding a cardboard sign that has “Please go see my movie!” written in nearly illegible black sharpie.

In related news, Tom Cruise really needs a new PR team.


About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch,, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @
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