Today is one of those very special days that only come once, maybe twice a year (if he happens to do a cameo in some middling Indie dreck, cough Thumbsucker cough): the day a new Keanu Reeves movie opens! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, critics are sharpening their swords and devotees like myself are smiling wide, ear-to-ear, as their favorite cinema star offers his latest piece of cinematic perfection.
So many fantastic questions to consider on this day of days:
- Will he say “whoa” in the movie? And if so, will it be non-ironic?
- Will his co-stars have that douchebaggy “I can’t believe I’m acting opposite Keanu Reeves, what has come of my career” look in their eyes (P.S.: Get fucked, John Corbett. At least Keanu never debased himself with Sarah Jessica Parkhorse.)?
- Will the film be an unparalleled triumph at the box office, thereby reinforcing my argument that the popular success of Keanu Reeves is a clear indication of his talent and staying power?
The opening of The Day The Earth Stood Still is especially delicious, as it marks Keanu’s return to Sci-Fi, a genre he practically owns (Matrix Revolutions gets better every time I force myself to sit through it). After schmooping with Sandy Bullock and trying to be a stiffer Kurt Russell in Street Kings, Keanu finally gives us the him we LIKE to watch: reciting portentous dialogue to high-caliber actors whilst CGI effects envelop the screen and a pretty bruny unexpectedly falls in love with him.
Also: Jon Hamm and Kyle Chandler co-star! Don Draper, Coach Taylor AND Keanu in the SAME movie? They’re gonna put up a clinic on manliness, and their skills are $12 ($10 for matinee).
I swear, if Jon Hamm even considers looking off into the middle distance and explaining the importance of extraterrestrial life through subtle reference to his crumbling marriage to an icy blonde with a tenuous grip on her sanity, and I mean even just ONCE, I will lose it. Or try to impregnate every girl named Peggy within an eight-mile radius.
And let’s not even start on the possibility that Kyle Chandler quietly judges Keanu with his eyes.
All this and we haven’t even begun to discuss Jennifer Connelly’s eyebrows yet. Man alive, there is so much to enjoy about New Keanu Reeves Movie Day! I’m putting a ring on this day, BELIEVE THAT.
Let’s enjoy New Keanu Reeves Movie Day by watching a super long clip of the movie and our man:
And Keanu promoting the movie on Letterman:
And, just for funsies, let’s play my world famous “Which Keanu Reeves Character Are You” quiz:
I wish every day could be New Keanu Reeves Movie Day. At the risk of sounding super cheesy, I hope this day… stands still. (Fail)
Bangarang, New Keanu Reeves Movie Day!