Two Douchebags and an Affleck

I'm definitely seeing this movie.

I’d usually have some nominal post gimmick here; something to justify posting a random picture of celebrity. Not this time. No need for it. I just wanted to point out a few things.

Joaquin Phoenix - Hey guy, guess what? All of us? STILL don’t miss you. We’ve forgotten you had ever been in the movies. IN FACT, we are DElighted you have retired to become a dirty hippy douchebag. And even though your new movie Two Lovers is apparently a tour de force romantic drama that showcases two of my favorite things on the planet (Vinessa Shaw and Gwyneth Paltrow in pain), I will not pay to watch it in theaters. For I will NOT contribute to the remote possibility that the world gets a hint of a thought of a passing memory of that time you part of the only good scene in The Village (“I will dance with you at our wedding”), and starts mourning the loss of your acting anti-talents.

Also? Brad Pitt’s grody failed attempt to star in The Fountain beard and Devendra Bernhardt’s lame, artsy Portman-catcher called on a three-way party line, they wanted me to let you know you look like an idiot.

Diddy - Remember when I learned all the words to “Victory” (NIN Remix)? Remember when you were tagging J.Lo and Kanye West couldn’t sniff your drawers? Remember when you impressed me by running the New York Marathon? Remember when Dave Chappelle punked you (“Breast Milk, you made my daaaaay!”) and we all had a good laugh at your expense, but secretly smiled cause you were such a great personality?

Those days are over. Please refrain from existing in pop culture.

Casey Affleck - Hey guy, how are you? Got nothing but love for you; no haterade at all. Not even Diet Haterade. You were superb in Gone Baby Gone, and you know I like that you made my boy Ben’s directorial debut come off so great. But seriously, sir, why are you in this picture? Why are you associating yourself with this level of douchebag? Shouldn’t you be hanging with a better class of talent? Like Chris Brown and Ryan Gosling? Or Dave Grohl and Andy Samberg (you three could make a great SNL Digital Short involving a bodily fluid expelling into a random item of clothing.)?

C’mon guy, step up to your level of awesome.


About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch,, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @
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