Oh, 2008, you can’t fool me. Trying to throw me off the tracks with your Britney Spears Comebacks and your two Keanu Reeves movies, your RoDoJu ascension and your deliriously good Mad Men Season 2, your dismissal of Lindsay Lohan and your disillusionment of Paris Hilton, your Beyonce “Singles Ladies” music video and your American Idol champion David Cook, your President Barack Obama; and you almost got me the other day with your Dane Cook getting ripped off for $3 million BY HIS OWN BROTHER. But I’m onto you, fool.
Your year sucked ass. And I’m not even talking personally, which has been a sandy shitstorm for some time.
No, I’m talking about the pop culture. The complete and utter lack of instant classic movies (I can’t even fill my Top Ten this year and I’ve seen close to EVERYTHING!). The writers strike ruining the last TV season. Friday Night Lights getting relegated to Direct TV. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Killing off Harold Pinter and Paul Newman and Heath Ledger and Bettie Page and George Carlin and Rachel McAdams (wait, she’s NOT dead? Then where the hell IS she?).
What the hell happened to Grey’s Anatomy? Why is Scrubs on ABC now? Is there some voodoo curse on Heroes? And dude, I LIKED Dirty Sexy Money.
Twilight was lame, Hancock was awkward, Star Trek got delayed, HARRY POTTER GOT BANISHED TO 2009, Pierce Brosnan sang, Kevin Smith put out ANOTHER lame stoner comedy!
Shia hurt his hand, Jennifer Hudson lost her ENTIRE family, Jeremy Piven is Broadway’s biggest douchebag, I think Amy Winehouse spontaneously combusted, Miley Cyrus made conservatives faint for showing her BACK in a picture, and Matthew McConaughey was allowed to procreate.
And I did NOT get nominated for a Best Culture Weblog Award!
I mean, the hell?
So go and get effed 2008. You were a worthless year. We gave you chance after chance and you provided NOTHING of note. You are the Ethan Hawke of years (Before Sunrise/Sunset, notwithstanding).
I say bring on 2009 and all it has to offer: a new President, a new Harry Potter movie, my Miami Dolphins in the playoffs, the return of American Idol and Lost, Eliza Dushku back on TV, McAdams back on the big screen, Wolverine hosting the Oscars, Mad Men Season 3, and (SPOILER ALERT), a big change coming to TheJay.com!
Happy New Year, everyone. I’ll see you in a better year…