How To Use The Three Seashells

Demolition Man is a mildly watchable, totally insane, crazy bloated 90′s action spectacular that was never fully appreciated by the masses. From Wesley Snipes’ ludicrous blonde afro to Stallone’s roided to the point of human fear arms to “illuminate, deluminate”, to Denis Leary back when he was only interesting cause he could speak really fast, to a feisty, spring-loaded Sandy Bullock. There is much to love about the movie.

One of the most (in?) famous moments of the flick is the “3 Seashells” scene. You see, in the future, where this film takes place, people no longer use toilet paper, they use “3 Seashells”. To do what, you ask? Let Rob Schneider’s sniveling condescension explain:

If the scene weren’t so fantastic and funny I swear to Jewish God I would sit Rob down at my kitchen table, fool him with trickery and then strike his throat.

So the “3 Seashells” scene became a running bit in the movie, and has become a lingering what’s the glowing light in the briefcase-type question since. Just how DO you use a seashell to clean yourself… back there? I used my imagination (something I was taught to do in college) to figure out that it must have something to do with scraping, and just left it at that. I have far more interesting shit to think about than Sylvester Stallone’s (but not THAT much more interesting). Thankfully, we won’t need to invest any brainpower whatsoever at the question anymore, as the riddle has been solved.

I-mockery.com has gone to the trouble of devising a diagram to illustrate the step-by-step procedure of the 3 Seashells. And yes, scraping was in fact, prominently involved. And while I don’t believe this method proves 100% accurate (how does one deal with, ahem, matting?), or fiscally responsible (they’re not reusable, natch), it is a worthy enough attempt at answering a long-standing pop culture question.

So here, courtesty of I-mockery, is, at long last, the answer to the question “How DO you use the three seashells?” (WARNING: Slightly NSFW)

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

3 Comments

  1. We recently moved into an apartment with the three shell system and for the life of us could not figure out how to use it, lets just say things became unsanitary quickly. The method above is solid one, but we’ve found that to get truly zestfully clean it’s best to use it in conjunction with our wet/dry vac.

  2. J Rich says:

    http://www.aintitcool.com/talkback_display/30865?q=node/30865
    Sylvester Stallone had the answer to this one himself as described by the writer of the movie. The link above is the actual interview. The diagram is right on.

  3. fredj says:

    So you can grasp shit in your ass and pull it out, and this is somehow easier than just pooing ? Stallone must be laughing his ass off people accept this explanation he obviously made up on the spot for a laugh. While amusing it’s a pretty lame explanation.

    I think there are just three shell shaped buttons

    Seashell 1. Clears the bowl of your stinking excretions probably turning the bowls contents into harmless gas, so as not to require sewers or water.

    Seashell 2. Turns any remaining feacies on your ass into a harmless gas by spraying a fine mist of especially engineered bacteria onto your cheeks.

    Seashell 3.Activates a pulse of energy that deactivates feacies eating bacteria, deodorizes your cheeks and moisturizes as the bacteria can dry out your ass making it itchy.

    Now you have a spotless sweet smelling ass enjoy

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