Demolition Man is a mildly watchable, totally insane, crazy bloated 90′s action spectacular that was never fully appreciated by the masses. From Wesley Snipes’ ludicrous blonde afro to Stallone’s roided to the point of human fear arms to “illuminate, deluminate”, to Denis Leary back when he was only interesting cause he could speak really fast, to a feisty, spring-loaded Sandy Bullock. There is much to love about the movie.
One of the most (in?) famous moments of the flick is the “3 Seashells” scene. You see, in the future, where this film takes place, people no longer use toilet paper, they use “3 Seashells”. To do what, you ask? Let Rob Schneider’s sniveling condescension explain:
If the scene weren’t so fantastic and funny I swear to Jewish God I would sit Rob down at my kitchen table, fool him with trickery and then strike his throat.
So the “3 Seashells” scene became a running bit in the movie, and has become a lingering what’s the glowing light in the briefcase-type question since. Just how DO you use a seashell to clean yourself… back there? I used my imagination (something I was taught to do in college) to figure out that it must have something to do with scraping, and just left it at that. I have far more interesting shit to think about than Sylvester Stallone’s (but not THAT much more interesting). Thankfully, we won’t need to invest any brainpower whatsoever at the question anymore, as the riddle has been solved.
I-mockery.com has gone to the trouble of devising a diagram to illustrate the step-by-step procedure of the 3 Seashells. And yes, scraping was in fact, prominently involved. And while I don’t believe this method proves 100% accurate (how does one deal with, ahem, matting?), or fiscally responsible (they’re not reusable, natch), it is a worthy enough attempt at answering a long-standing pop culture question.
So here, courtesty of I-mockery, is, at long last, the answer to the question “How DO you use the three seashells?” (WARNING: Slightly NSFW)
(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)