So let me get this right: AskMen.com surveys its readers and staff to determine the Most Desirable Woman of 2009 and Eva Mendes is who they chose?

Really?

I’m supposed to believe that given a list where the “winner” is chosen based on hotness, intelligence, personality and intangibles, a group of men chose a self-professed idiot, confirmed drunk and no-talent pair of lips and tips as the MOST desirable? Uh, how about “no”, OK?

The AskMen.com Top 99 list has never been worth a damn thing; they chose Katherine Heigl the most desirable woman of 2008, after all. And any list of desirable women where Megan Fox doesn’t win is mostly just a joke. But Eva Mendes? At least Heigl can act. What does Eva Mendes do well? She can’t act. She’s not the hottest latina in Hollywood (that would be Salma Hayek). Hell, she’s not even the hottest “Eva” in Hollywood (that would be Eva Green).

She’s never been in a movie that was any good because of ANYTHING she did. Her two movies last year were the most terrific trainwrecks (The Women, The Spirit). She’s never even sniffed an acting award (even the Teen Choice Awards Lucci’d her). And her next movie? A Nicolas Cage flick. Yeah, cause they had such crackling chemistry in Ghost Rider.

And again, she’s an idiot, and a drunk. And an idiot.

If that’s how what it takes to be the Most Desirable Woman In Hollywood, why not just crown Kiki Dunst and be done with it? Ain’t no one out there more desirable than good ‘ole Drunky McVampireTeeth!

How can I take this list seriously when January Jones comes in 99th? That’s Betty Draper! Leighton Meester and her perfect punim are 54th? And Minka Kelly isn’t even in the Top 10!

I mean… I can’t.

Beyonce is 50. 50! Watch the Single Ladies video again (or, 74 times if you’re me) and then consider the idea that Eva Mendes is 50 TIMES more desirable. Did your head explode? Good. Means your brain is still working.

And what does Carla Gugino have to do to get some list love? She’s only the hottest older bruny living on Earth.

I get that these kinds of lists are somewhat arbitrary, but they can at least STRIVE for credibility. Look, I get that she’s hot. I do. She is. But if AskMen.com’s Top 99 were standing in front of you on a line, would you choose Eva Mendes? That’s what I thought.

For the record, here is TheJay.com’s Official Top 9 Most Desirable Women of 2009:

9 – Evangeline Lilly - Comes with sweet Lost spoilers.

8 – Emma Watson - Would I be reciting magic spells the entire time? Expecto Patroyeah!

7 – Cobie Smulders - Yes, I know she’s pregnant, I don’t care. Just once I’d like to have a reason to use the phrase “Jammin on Scherbatsky”.

6 – Keri Russell - I don’t need to explain this one, do I?

5 – Beyonce - She would sing “Halo” anytime I wanted her to.

4 – Kate Winslet – You get a chance to roll down with someone at the apex of their boofosity, you take it.

3 – Rachel McAdams - I get to recreate the dock scene from The Notebook. And the seven-hour sex montage that follows. Also, I look great bearded.

2 – Megan Fox - Obvs.

1 – Minka Kelly - Perfection, and I get to pretend I’m Riggins for a moment of my life (but minus all the being poor, monosyllabic, future-less, half-orphaned, raging alcoholism stuff).

Bangarang!

Average Rating: 4.7 out of 5 based on 172 user reviews.

About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for TheJay.com. The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch, BestWeekEver.tv, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on NowLive.com from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @ www.Twitter.com/jasonamatthews
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