OMG, ya’ll, we are so hungry!

We don’t even what happened. One day we were in hog heaven. Literal “hog” “heaven”, she used to feed us a whole pig once every Saturday (we called it “Hogurday”). And then the next day this green mulch was being dropped on us. We didn’t even know what it was! For a second we thought it might be some new kind of eco-friendly Twizzler, but Colon said no.

It took us a month to digest that veggie crap.

And it just… keeps… coming. Wait! What is this bullshit coming down now…? Chicken and Brown Rice. Chicken and BROWN Rice!

Did we do something wrong? Do you hate us? You didn’t hate us when we were adolescent, taut, tan, and being a slave 4 u. Why would you hate us now? Do you blame us for those nasty bikini thong pictures last year? Talk to the cottage cheese ass about that. It’s doing squats right now.

Sure, we know we got all big and gross and poor-looking for a while, but that’s not our fault! We were just trying to make our poor off-meds girl feel better. Blame Red Dye #5, Monosodium Glutmate, and that sweet bitch of a couple: Fructose and Lard. Don’t blame us!

But we can be good, honest! We’ll crunch. We’ll twist. We’ll shrink. PROMISE, ya’ll! Just give us one whiff of cheeto dust. Please! It’s what we run on, baby! It’s how we get the juices flowing. And by “juices” we do mean “turkey broth”. We’ll put it another way… if we don’t start getting some simple carbohydrates up in this bitch, we’re initiating adult on-set diabetes. Try If You Seek Amy-ing her when she’s missing a foot!

Start making with the junk food and no one gets maimed.


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About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch,, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @
This entry was posted in Britney Spears, Music and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to

  1. Jamz says:

    i idolized Britney Spears since 1998. she is definitely the best female pop singer.

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