OMG, ya’ll, we are so hungry!
We don’t even what happened. One day we were in hog heaven. Literal “hog” “heaven”, she used to feed us a whole pig once every Saturday (we called it “Hogurday”). And then the next day this green mulch was being dropped on us. We didn’t even know what it was! For a second we thought it might be some new kind of eco-friendly Twizzler, but Colon said no.
It took us a month to digest that veggie crap.
And it just… keeps… coming. Wait! What is this bullshit coming down now…? Chicken and Brown Rice. Chicken and BROWN Rice!
Did we do something wrong? Do you hate us? You didn’t hate us when we were adolescent, taut, tan, and being a slave 4 u. Why would you hate us now? Do you blame us for those nasty bikini thong pictures last year? Talk to the cottage cheese ass about that. It’s doing squats right now.
Sure, we know we got all big and gross and poor-looking for a while, but that’s not our fault! We were just trying to make our poor off-meds girl feel better. Blame Red Dye #5, Monosodium Glutmate, and that sweet bitch of a couple: Fructose and Lard. Don’t blame us!
But we can be good, honest! We’ll crunch. We’ll twist. We’ll shrink. PROMISE, ya’ll! Just give us one whiff of cheeto dust. Please! It’s what we run on, baby! It’s how we get the juices flowing. And by “juices” we do mean “turkey broth”. We’ll put it another way… if we don’t start getting some simple carbohydrates up in this bitch, we’re initiating adult on-set diabetes. Try If You Seek Amy-ing her when she’s missing a foot!
Start making with the junk food and no one gets maimed.