How are we a full month into the season and literally nothing has happened except a heinous girl in a bikini, Ryan not-fiving a blind guy and the world-crushing awfulness that is Tatiana Del Toro? Seriously, has there been ONE good note of music sung in four weeks?
By this time last season David Archuleta had already birthed puppies across the globe, Brooke White had put Vanessa Carlton out of business and Ramiele Malubay had started me down the path of the BOOF!
Who are even the front runners this year? We usually have at least one by now. Danny Gokey has been getting the camera time, but he’s too homeless person’s Elliot Yamin to even come close to sniffing the Top 2. Joanna Pacitti is a hot mess, Anoop is riding an Obama wave that will never last, Nick Mitchell is Nathan Lane, Von Smith is an actual alien being and all the rest are who cares? So basically we have Jasmine, my BOOF! and a dude to be named later.
I have a sickening feeling that Season 8 is Season 6 in disguise; a hodgepodge of unattractive medium-talents who combine to make the blahiest blah that ever blahed after the break. And here’s to you Blake Lewis, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
For what it’s worth, as I do every year, here are my American Idol Season Eight Early Favorites:
CASEY CARLSON
My reasoning is thus: BOOF!
The defense rests.
DANNY GOKEY
A dead wife, a Joe Cocker voice and a compelling hetero lifemate scenario make for a fastpass to the Finals. He’s gonna be with us till Early May, trust The Jay.
JASMINE MURRAY
The token perfect African American/amazing sixteen year-old that gets to the Top 5 every year. In a month’s time we will all secretly agree she’s the most talented kid on the show, and hope to God Tatiana doesn’t kill her in her sleep. Also, btdubs, if Jasmine doesn’t sing “Halo” at some point this season, I will come out this show like a spider monkey.
SCOTT MACINTYRE
How are you gonna kick off a blind guy? It’s not happening. Besides, Ryan needs at least seven more weeks of helping him down steps and politely describing the set, to atone for humiliating himself on national TV in the Not-Five Incident. And you find me one man on this Earth doesn’t want to see Scott try to do the choreographed group routines. You find that man!
STEVIE WRIGHT
A great name, an endearing horse face, a passing resemblance to my College girlfriend (always a good way to make this list, ahem Amy Krebs ahem), a solid voice and not a chance in the world to make it past the Top 9, what’s not to love?
ADAM LAMBERT
If only because staring at his ruddy, pock-marked skin in HD each week will remind me to moisturize, exfoliate and bust some micro derm-abrasion my face on the frakking daily. Because really, the face is pretty much all I got. Also, you know, he’s talented.
…Like that’s ever helped ANY contestant on American Idol!
Bangarang!
Don’t forget that train wreck Nathaniel…
Tatiana needs a re-do on the style. She had no business wearing that dress to the Judges’ Mansion.
Seriously though, so far, I am practically bored to tears by this lot of 36.
Although I might like the girl that looks like Molly Ringwald.
[...] picked Matt, too, had I known they were going to a Top 13. That makes me 10 for 12 (or 13), with 4 of my 6 Early Favorites still in the race. I am an American Idol predicting machine! Check back next week for the first TiVo Multi-Bloop [...]