Sean Bean is a Son of a Bitch!

Sean Bean, the renowned, grizzled Englishman movie villain, apparently went full retard with his method badass acting on Sunday night, when he got into a bar fight, was stabbed with a piece of dirty glass, refused medical attention, sewed himself up with a first aid kit and then went back to drinking beer with his scorched Earth-hot glamour model girlfriend.

(What did you do on Sunday? Have Brunch? Hope you enjoyed that cottage cheese in a melon, you grizzly bear!)

Now, Bean has always been a pretty hardcore character actor. What with menacing Michael Douglas in that ‘Tai from Clueless is a crazy girl who won’t give up her secrets’ movie (Spoiler Alert: the secret was she’s on drugs – may she rest in peace…), trying to steal the Declaration of Independence from that pesky treasure protector Nic Cage, dubs crossing the Fellowship of the Ring, and using Famke Janssen’s mile-long legs as a lethal weapon in Goldeneye. But this? Hardcore. Ramboesque hardcore-osity.

It actually reminds me of a conversation I overheard at a bar once. I was drinking with some friends in Hollywood one weeknight, and there was this group of studio executives sitting at the bar, having a couple after work beers, nothing special. But then they started trading really outlandish stories about this actor who was apparently a legendary badass. Turns out it was Sean Bean.

I don’t remember the whole conversation, but I believe it went like this:

EXEC 1: That Sean Bean is a son of a bitch! Do you guys know Sean Bean?

EXEC 2: Oh, I know Sean Bean. Big fellow. Goes about 6’4, 350. He loves his beer.

EXEC 3: Hell of an actor, too! Did you know Sean Bean bodyslammed an orc once? Wasn’t even CGI!

EXEC 1: He’s a big guy, that Bean, isn’t he?

EXEC 2: Oh yeah, he’s a big man! Stands 6’7, 385 pounds.

EXEC 3: Anyway, on the set of the first Rings picture, Bean was pounding back Irish Car Bombs between takes, just to keep himself fresh. Had about 11 or 12 in him. He does a take, reaches for his stout and an orc is drinkin it!

EXEC 4: Drinking Bean’s stout? You don’t do that!

EXEC 3: So Bean picks him, throws him clear about 35 feet and chugs his beer. Well now, the cameras happened to be rolling and caught this display, and they used it in the movie as the climactic battle in Act Two. Saved the picture 400 million in special effects!

EXEC 2: And that actor is now paralyzed from the eyeballs down.

EXEC 1: We didn’t even pay him workman’s compensation! To Sean Bean!

ALL: TO SEAN BEAN!

EXEC 2: Did I ever tell you about the time Sean Bean brought a knife to a gunfight and won?

EXEC 1: Well, if you’re talking about Sean Bean, I believe it!

EXEC 2: There he was in the hinterlands of Germany, chasing war criminals for weekend jollies; 30 guys surrounding him, all with those special Nazi machine guns, and ole Sean Bean pulls out a simple pocket knife and says “Let’s go, gentleman.” And wouldn’t you know it, not 15 minutes later all those guys were chopped in half. The next day, Bean used their severed limbs to fashion an orphanage for starving children. All while polishing off a das boot of fine Belgian Ale!

EXEC 3: Sean Bean once spit in my face when I offered him $10 mil to star in a Michael Bay picture, but damn it, I still respect him! We paid that man a cool $15 mil and he was riveting in The Island! To Sean Bean!

ALL: SEAN BEAN!

EXEC 4: Sean Bean once took a boat hook in the eye from Harrison Ford while making Patriot Games. Bean didn’t even flinch. Half his face covered in blood, fully blind in his left eye, and he still hit every one of his marks, and delivered a perfect Shakespearean monologue! When the scene was over, Ford tried to apologize but Bean just waved him off, saying, “It’s called acting Harry, try acting like a man.”

EXEC 2: That Sean Bean is the best thing about Percy Jackson & The Olympians! Delightful flick. You guys see that one?

EXEC 1: Anyway, did you hear about the time Sean Bean slapped a cobra in the face? He was filming Troy out in the desert with Brad Pitt and Eric Bana, and they were rehearsing some scene, when a King Cobra slithers its way over to them. Now King Cobra’s are big, but not as big as Sean Bean.

EXEC 3: Bean runs about 7’8, 560 pounds.

EXEC 1: He does. So one hiss from this snake and Pitt and Bana are screeching and climbing the set, shittin’ their togas! Bean walks up to the cobra, no fear, cause he’s Bean, and slaps it across the set for delaying the rehearsal. He grabs the snake by its hood and goes: “Do you know who I am? I’m Sean Bean. Say it!” Then he squeezed the snake by its hood in such a way that a sound came out of its mouth in parseltongue ‘Sean Bean’. It wasn’t exactly right, but it was pretty damn close for a snake!

EXEC 4: Best damn actor in the business!

EXEC 2: That’s Sean Bean, alright!

EXEC 3: Sean Bean forged his own sword for Game of Thrones!

EXEC 4: Bill Brasky uses Sean Bean as a life coach and spiritual leader!

EXEC 2: Sean Bean once made a movie with Nic Cage and it was the finest damn Nic Cage movie there ever was!

EXEC 1: I saw that movie and you are right!

EXEC 3: To Sean Bean, a ten foot tall, two-ton son of a bitch, who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing, all while performing Hamlet at the Old Vic Theatre!

ALL: TO SEAN BEAN!

I always thought they were just kidding around, but now, who knows, maybe they were downplaying the guy! Either way, there’s a lesson to learn to be learned here, and that lesson is this: Sean Bean is a son of a bitch!

Bangarang!

2 Comments

  1. Tracy says:

    I choose to believe every word!

  2. brent says:

    He’s one – TOUGH son-of-a-bitch

    After one Orc had cut of his arms to prove how tough they are and another Orc had cut of both arms and legs (Sean helped for that)!
    Sean pulls out his Willy and the Orcs SCREAM you not going to cut that OFF?
    (No said Sean) I’m going to pull it OFF. !!!

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