BEEEEEEEEP!

/hits snooze

Seven Minutes later…

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

/hit snooze again

/repeat seven times

Finally:

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

/turns off alarm

/rolls off bed to the left, instead of to the right.

The Jay: Damn, wrong side. Ugh. Another overcast, dreary August morning. Forgot to put a glass of water on my nightstand, so now I’m parched and scratchy like ScarJo monologuing in the Mojave. Hair’s all out of whack. Damn, my fav livestrong bracelet just snapped.

Sorry Ice, I gotta feeling today ain’t gonna be a good day.

Maybe there’ll be some good news to cheer me up. To the Interwebs!

/checks the net

The Jay: Hackers are waging war on Facebook? Somebody better tell Zero Cool to chill. More NBA players are ditching the US to go play ball in Europe? Fine. Let the damn Turks deal with Kobe’s diva bullshit for a while. Ben Affleck is rocking a Justin Beiber haircut. Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman costume is from the Halle Berry reject pile. Nothing good so far…

/checks more of the web

The Jay: The extra season of Eureka was scrapped? FU SYFY! Rebecca Black was forced to leave her school, cause of excessive teasing. Don’t people know this is Her Moment? Arnold is wearing an “I Survived Maria” shirt. Well, that’s his second worst decision ever, after Mr. Freeze. Somebody send that grizzled douche of a muscle bag to da coolah. Cripes, a big ball of suck is going on right now.

/checks world news

The Jay: Let’s see what’s happening in the world. Dow dropped another billionty points? Fantastic. There goes my fictional future kid’s college fund. No worries, little Max can be a dropout, worked for Kanyeezy. What else… Michelle Bachman is crazy on the cover of Newsweek. NBD. Real Estate Market is still in the can. Gas prices are still crazy damn high. London is still rioting, which is odd cause I thought Harry killed Lord Voldemort. Has the world gone mad?

/skims Google News

The Jay: Piers Morgan is hacking phones. Mac is now fat on It’s Always Sunny. Someone has graphic photos of Bruce Willis doing mean things to puppies, and is using them to blackmail him into starring in GI Joe 2. Ryan Reynolds lost Charlize Theron and his A-List status in the span of a month. My Miami Dolphins just let Ricky Williams go to the Ravens!!!! J-Woww turned her face into a Leprechaun. Some a-hole is taking a Hungry Eyes dump on The Swayze’s grave by making a Dirty Dancing reboot. Thugs beat the chariot out of Gavin DeGraw. Sue Sylvester was cut from the Glee movie. Gerard Butler is still getting cast in movies. Netflix changed my plan!

AAAAAARRGGGGHHHHHH!!

Why does the world suck right now?

Seriously, there is no reason to get out of bed today. Screw work. Screw the gym. Screw it all. There is nothing, I mean literally NOTHING that can cheer me up right now.

Wait. What’s this link over here?

/clicks link

Exclusive: Keanu Reeves in Financing Talks for His Directorial Debut

Oh snaps!

BEST. DAY. EVER.

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews.)

Average Rating: 4.5 out of 5 based on 252 user reviews.

About Jason Matthews

Jason Matthews is the head writer for TheJay.com. The site has been nominated for two Weblog Awards (Best Culture Blog, 2006 & 2007), and has been featured on more than 100 websites, including the IMDB, Defamer, College Humor, USA Today’s Pop Candy (Written by Whitney Matheson), Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch, BestWeekEver.tv, Gorilla Mask and eBaum’s World. Jason is also an accomplished playwright. He is currently the Writer-in-Residence at the Ruskin Group Theatre, where through their showcase “Café Plays”, he has written and produced forty-five one-act plays, and premiered his full-length debut comedy ‘Four Night Stand’ to a sold out six-week run in Spring 2010. In addition to his work online and in theatre, Jason was the host of PopLoad on NowLive.com from January – May 2007, and was the Editor-in-Chief of the popular Santa Barbara-based arts magazine CampusPOINT from June 2000 – June 2002. He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Film Studies from UC Santa Barbara, and an intense love for Ben Affleck and Keanu Reeves. Find Jason Matthews on Twitter @ www.Twitter.com/jasonamatthews
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