Seven Minutes later…
/hit snooze again
/repeat seven times
/turns off alarm
/rolls off bed to the left, instead of to the right.
The Jay: Damn, wrong side. Ugh. Another overcast, dreary August morning. Forgot to put a glass of water on my nightstand, so now I’m parched and scratchy like ScarJo monologuing in the Mojave. Hair’s all out of whack. Damn, my fav livestrong bracelet just snapped.
Sorry Ice, I gotta feeling today ain’t gonna be a good day.
Maybe there’ll be some good news to cheer me up. To the Interwebs!
/checks the net
The Jay: Hackers are waging war on Facebook? Somebody better tell Zero Cool to chill. More NBA players are ditching the US to go play ball in Europe? Fine. Let the damn Turks deal with Kobe’s diva bullshit for a while. Ben Affleck is rocking a Justin Beiber haircut. Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman costume is from the Halle Berry reject pile. Nothing good so far…
/checks more of the web
The Jay: The extra season of Eureka was scrapped? FU SYFY! Rebecca Black was forced to leave her school, cause of excessive teasing. Don’t people know this is Her Moment? Arnold is wearing an “I Survived Maria” shirt. Well, that’s his second worst decision ever, after Mr. Freeze. Somebody send that grizzled douche of a muscle bag to da coolah. Cripes, a big ball of suck is going on right now.
/checks world news
The Jay: Let’s see what’s happening in the world. Dow dropped another billionty points? Fantastic. There goes my fictional future kid’s college fund. No worries, little Max can be a dropout, worked for Kanyeezy. What else… Michelle Bachman is crazy on the cover of Newsweek. NBD. Real Estate Market is still in the can. Gas prices are still crazy damn high. London is still rioting, which is odd cause I thought Harry killed Lord Voldemort. Has the world gone mad?
/skims Google News
The Jay: Piers Morgan is hacking phones. Mac is now fat on It’s Always Sunny. Someone has graphic photos of Bruce Willis doing mean things to puppies, and is using them to blackmail him into starring in GI Joe 2. Ryan Reynolds lost Charlize Theron and his A-List status in the span of a month. My Miami Dolphins just let Ricky Williams go to the Ravens!!!! J-Woww turned her face into a Leprechaun. Some a-hole is taking a Hungry Eyes dump on The Swayze’s grave by making a Dirty Dancing reboot. Thugs beat the chariot out of Gavin DeGraw. Sue Sylvester was cut from the Glee movie. Gerard Butler is still getting cast in movies. Netflix changed my plan!
Why does the world suck right now?
Seriously, there is no reason to get out of bed today. Screw work. Screw the gym. Screw it all. There is nothing, I mean literally NOTHING that can cheer me up right now.
Wait. What’s this link over here?
BEST. DAY. EVER.
(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews.)