I’m gonna need you to get ahead and watch this video. IMMETES.
In continuing my recent “you might not know this about The Jay” Tour, I wanted to tell you that when I’m not online skewering celebrities and on my couch TiVo-blooping Idol flunkies, I have me a real world jobby job. And in that jobby job I work on a webseries. That webseries is called “Harper’s Globe”. It’s the companion webseries to the new CBS show “Harper’s Island”, and, if I do say so myself, it rocks. It rocks the socks. It rolls, it owns, and it pwns. It would be the Top Post on SuccessBlog.com.
You know how Wayne Campbell says “This blows goats. I have proof”? Well Harper’s Globe is the COMPLETE opposite of that. It goats blows.
Picture the most amazing thing you can think of that doesn’t include a monkey wearing two tuxedos (ONE tux wasn’t formal enough!). So you’re probably imagining something like this: Keanu Reeves is whoa-ing in bullet time while Rachel McAdams makes out with Ryan Gosling on a pier, Rocky is boxing a Russian, Vince Vaughn is talking a mile a minute at nothing in particular, Reese Witherspoon is gathering nuts for the winter (because she is a squirrel), The Zellweger is hitting the wall, Guy Pierce is taking Polaroids of you, Mel Gibson is shaking hands with Jews, Megan Fox is bending over every car in the parking lot, the Terminator just showed up and is all “come with me if you want to live” but you’re holding out for Michael Beihn cause you’re a child of the 80′s, somehow you have a working lightsaber in your hand and Vader is NOT your father but IS a really cool Uncle, Chris Farley is suddenly alive and falling into coffee tables, Beyonce is singing Halo on a loop, ’99 Britney is rocking her catholic schoolgirl outfit and asking you to hit her baby, one more time, Molly Ringwald wants to go to Prom with you, Ferris Bueller is dedicating Beatles songs to you, Chazz is asking you about a gangster named Keyser Soze, Ben Affleck is saying that YOU were the bomb in Phantoms, your abs are as jacked as King Leonidas, you’re saving hostages on the top of Nakatomi Plaza, everything is in that James Cameron-style blue filter that makes you look kickass and THIN, your hair is better than Don Draper’s best day side-sweep and this is all being filmed using that one Spielberg shot wear the camera zooms in on the actors but the background goes all wide and blurry, like when Chief Brody first sees the shark in Jaws.
This is better than that.
Listen to my mouth words here and peep the star of our show:
Like you don’t want to spend time with her? Like that isn’t the punim that launched a thousand frenzied Google searches (real name = Melanie Merkosky. Have fun!)? You’re actually telling me this? And expecting me to believe you? Go fuck yourself.
So watch it, comment on it, help me make it a success. Because I don’t slave all day making high-quality web entertainment so that it can be ignored. Get on this, people!
Bangarang!
TRIPLE BLOOP
DOUBLE BLOOP
SINGLE BLOOP
Did you SEE? Did you see how good our girlfriend DID? She looked fantastic! She was funny and fierce and on point! Charming a rapidly unfunny Jonah Hill, opening the show like a pro, winning three awards and looking like a thousand million bucks doing it; showing all the wannabes how it’s done? That was pure DOMINATION from our little Brit Brit. I could not be more proud of her.
So LA shook from it’s 2% body fat hinges this morning. After checking on the things that matter most to me in this world: my family, my friends, my 52″ Samsung LCD HDTV, I did what any clear-headed post-quake Angeleno does when our fair city performs it’s occasional Tommy Lee Jones failed disaster flick homage, I went straight to Facebook to read all the status changes.
My power is more powerful than your power.
My funny is funnier.
I’m Scrunchy Von Scrunch Scrunch
My whoa is better than your whoa.
L-I-V-I-N!
My manly is more manly than your manly.
My talent is funnsmartandgreat.
I’m already my prepping my next reality show.
My TV show is more confusing.
I’m hotter.
I’m more annoying.
Your Oscar speech isn’t very good.
My batshit crazy is crazier than your batshit crazy.
Your cleavage owes my cleavage $20 bucks.
My jiggy smells like baby wipes.
My better.
My better.
Is better than your better.
My better is better than your better.
Thank you very much for coming.
Looking pretty in Hollywood isn’t hard to do. Every celebrity does the same things: eat right, exercise often, get their hair done by professionals, use make-up that matches, highlights and improves their skin, kill babies and suck their blood. It’s standard stuff. But STAYING pretty in Hollywood? Not an easy task. Some celebrities will do almost anything to maintain their looks.
Lindsay Lohan: Each week, buys 100 packs of Crayola markers, then throws them all out but the orange ones. Using all 100 markers at once, she colors her tan in. You know, just to get a base.
Jessica Biel: To maintain her perfectly over-sized posterior, she literally keeps junk in her trunk. Nothing big, just, you know, some crackers, a game of jacks, her 3rd place Archery ribbon from summer camp, Scattegories, lip balm, some old Nintendo cartridges (if you’re lucky, she’ll let you blow on them), stuff like that.
As predicted by me, Britney slam dunked her extended cameo on the alarmingly rapid decline of funny known as “How I Met Your Mother”. She was poised, professional and cleaned-up to the point of 1998 hotness. Every goal for the gimmick came through. The show got big ratings and was legit funny for the first time all season. Britney proved that she can be still for five minutes and speak in coherent sentences. She also proved she can look pretty and down to earth, albeit with a little make-up and favorable stage lighting. She proved that gay guys still love her (NPH was practically drooling.), and she reminded us all of something vitally important about the machine that is Britney Spears: she’s a talented performer!
