Did you SEE? Did you see how good our girlfriend DID? She looked fantastic! She was funny and fierce and on point! Charming a rapidly unfunny Jonah Hill, opening the show like a pro, winning three awards and looking like a thousand million bucks doing it; showing all the wannabes how it’s done? That was pure DOMINATION from our little Brit Brit. I could not be more proud of her.

I could be prouder of MTV, though. Their transparent need to resurrect our fallen pop star, a girl still so tenuous and unbalanced, and parade her around their travesty of an awards show, hoping she would crash and burn again, was pathetic. Our girl is doing her best to SURVIVE, and they throw her right back into the fire.

Like it wasn’t enough she shot the hilarious promos for the show? Or that she is doing her best to get back into shape and make new music? That she is still catching hell from last year’s show, which by the way, was ENTIRELY MTV’s fault. They should have NEVER let her go on stage. They KNEW the shape she was in, and they let her go on, anyway. They should be ashamed of themselves. And then to have the unmitigated GALL to make her the centerpoint of this year’s show? That’s just low-fi.

I truly believe she was supes totes pissed on the inside. Girl did absolutely EV-ERY-thing right. Looked hot, was polite and sweet; said all the right things. Was gracious and adorable and brief. But if you know her well, if you get what she is and always has been about, you could read between the lines. Hear what she was really saying. I heard. And I’m gonna tell you what she said.

Best Female Video

What she said:

“I’m speechless, oh my goodness. Thank you! This is an honor. Um, I first want to thank God, first and foremost, for just blessing me like this. My beautiful family. Um, my two beautiful boys for inspiring me every day. And my fans. This is for you. Thank you so much.”

What she really meant:

“Thank you! This is such a sham award! I totally knew I was gonna win, it’s the only reason I’m at this pointless event. Um, first and foremost, I want to tell God to kiss my ass for cursing me like this. G, where were you when I was delivered unto my white trash Momma, who let me drink and fuck at 13, like I had ANY idea what the hell I was doing? Where were you when I was being drugged by Adnan? Where the damn hell ass kings were you when the crush of paparazzi was so ferocious and all-consuming that my only recourse was to quite literally become CRAZY? So no, no thank you, no thank you for you. Jerk. My beautiful family, who have given me only grief, bad press and a custody battle so disingenuous and haunting that Amber Waves from Boogie Nights was embarrassed for me. And my fans. The gay ones that still love me, I love you, too! To all you fair-weather bitches that read the blogs and bought the magazines and helped perpetuate my downfall? Ya’ll can get butt cancer and die! Madonna didn’t get treated this poorly and she had a kid with an illegal alien. Man, I started this pop star shit, and this is the motherfucking thanks I get? Yeah, this sham award is for you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Enjoy me looking great again, it’s all for you. Ingrates.”

Best Pop Video

What she said:

“Thank you. This little moon man is cool, thank you so much. I’m speechless. Um, first again I want to thank God, um, for blessing me like this. My beautiful family. Jive Records. Barry Wise, Larry Rudolf for always believing in me. And of course my fans. Thank you so much. This means a lot. Thank you!”

What she really meant:

“Thank you. Thank you for finally giving me one of these useless awards EIGHT GODDAMN YEARS too late. What am I, Pacino in Scent of a Woman? I INVENTED the modern “hot girl with a sense of humor” pop video. Baby One More Time MADE this pathetic cable station. And now when I don’t actually deserve it, I get this? You guys suck. I’m better than this. Always have been. Let me break this down for you real simple, down home trailer trash-style: you’re doing your best to ignore Christina, Mandy is an actress now and even Country music fans won’t have Jessica. Katy Perry is my swampass at the end of a three-hour dance rehearsal. Miley Cyrus needs to check my Rolling Stone spread and learn herself an education. I was doing the Disney sex slut balance beam gambit when she was too small for Toontown, and my ignorant ass was doing it better. Rihanna is a foreigner, the Pussycat Dolls are whores, Heidi Montag is a joke, Jordin Sparks is a Wookie Ogre, Kelly Clarkson is an oft-putting fattie, Pink isn’t even in the conversation and Carrie Underwood is a freaking robot. But I’m STILL STANDING. I’m still here. I’m still strong (and somewhat sane)! You owe me. And it’s about time you start paying up. Chumps.”

Video of the Year

What she said:

“Wow. Thank you, I’m in shock right now. I was not expecting this. This is such an honor to have this award right now. And I just want to dedicate this to all my amazing fans out there for all your support. Thank you. This is dedicated to you.”

What she really meant:

“Wow. You guys go all out to suck up to a bitch, huh? I’m in shock you think this’ll work. Seriously, you think this is gonna get me better? Huh? Make me well, make me whole? Think I’m gonna have some sort of grand comeback that you can capitalize on? Do you realize that I made the best album of my career when I was clinically insane? That I spent 15 minutes on set, swayed a bit for fun and you’re calling it the Best Video of the Year? That I did four sit-ups last Tuesday and my body immediately snapped back to hotness? Do you get how easy this is for me? This is a joke. And I’m sorry ya’ll can’t do this. I really am. Cause if you could I wouldn’t be forced to watch you fumble around and fuck it up, trying to replace me with freaking Tila Tequila. You know who I dedicate this to? Me. This is dedicated to me. I’m Britney, bitch. A musical genius. Don’t you losers EVER forget it!”

Welcome back, Britney, we’ve missed you. And we’re reading you loud and clear.

Bangarang!

So LA shook from it’s 2% body fat hinges this morning. After checking on the things that matter most to me in this world: my family, my friends, my 52″ Samsung LCD HDTV, I did what any clear-headed post-quake Angeleno does when our fair city performs it’s occasional Tommy Lee Jones failed disaster flick homage, I went straight to Facebook to read all the status changes.

Within minutes of the first squinch of tremor, the statuses arrived. My favorite came from my younger brother, who, as a native of LA and survivor of the 1994 Northridge Earthquake is nonplussed by anything less than a solid 6.0. His status post-quake read: “[The Jay’s Little Brother] was just woken up from the world’s most boring Earthquake.” Let it never be said that the snark gene was isolated solely to my branch of the family tree.

Once I had gone through my group and gained assurance that all concerned were safe and sound, my mind turned to the other important group of people in my life: celebrities. How are they doing post-Chino Hills 5.4? Did their faces shake, too, or did the Botox do its job? Did half the A-list immediately book flights to Cabo for a quickie “relaxation/cheap whores and blow” vacay? I had to know.

So I went around Facebook and checked to see how everyone was holding up. This is what I found:

Michael Bay just found his Act 3 reason for more ’splosions!!!!

Simon Cowell 5.4? How pathetic.

Shannen Doherty wants to take a pen to the Earthquake’s larynx. How FUCKING DARE it make Shannen FUCKING Doherty walk out of step!

Colin Farell in a doorway. Getting head. Tuesdays!

Mel Gibson thinks fucking Jews were responsible for all the quakes on Earth.

Katherine Heigl is blaming the quake on the writers. The Earth wasn’t given enough… material to stay still.

Paris Hilton I had to use the stairs (for the first time EVAR!1!). That’s poor person hot!

Katie Holmes is SECURITY IS DOWN FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES. Get here quick!!!

Keanu Reeves is whoa’ed

Shia LaBeaouf hopes the world stops spinning soon. It’s been 3 dayz alreadys!!1

Matthew McConaughey was stoked and wowd he was riding a wave during the righteous planet rumble. gave him a wicked kick to his barrel role. god bless geology.

Heidi Montag is putting on make-up. Totally candid Earthquake Victims Recovery photoshoot in 13 mins…

Sarah Jessica Parker is all shook up in the saddle. Neeeigh.

Brad Pitt knows Angie will think this is a sign to move to Cambodia and buy more brown kids.

Jessica Simpson feels no one told me the Earth could, like, MOVE!

Britney Spears is shaked, ya’ll..

Bangarang!

Watch the video before you read on!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My power is more powerful than your power.

My funny is funnier.

I’m Scrunchy Von Scrunch Scrunch

My whoa is better than your whoa.

L-I-V-I-N!

My manly is more manly than your manly.

My talent is funnsmartandgreat.

I’m already my prepping my next reality show.

My TV show is more confusing.

I’m hotter.

I’m more annoying.

Your Oscar speech isn’t very good.

My batshit crazy is crazier than your batshit crazy.

Your cleavage owes my cleavage $20 bucks.

My jiggy smells like baby wipes.

Baby wipes?

My better.

My better.

Is better than your better.

My better is better than your better.

Thank you very much for coming.

TheJay.com SPARQ Training.

Just Bangarang It!

Looking pretty in Hollywood isn’t hard to do. Every celebrity does the same things: eat right, exercise often, get their hair done by professionals, use make-up that matches, highlights and improves their skin, kill babies and suck their blood. It’s standard stuff. But STAYING pretty in Hollywood? Not an easy task. Some celebrities will do almost anything to maintain their looks.

On The Late Show with David Letterman the other day, Demi Moore revealed that she uses leeches as a beauty regimen. She claims it’s the secret to looking glamorous at 61 45. I claim someone’s been watching Speed 2: Cruise Control a bit too much on TNT (Seriously Demi, Willem Dafoe is no one’s beauty maven). I guess she feels that in addition to rampant facial reconstruction, weekly botox injections, massive plastic surgery across her body and sucking the lifeblood out of a twenty year old himbo actor, she must let leeches suck her blood to stay beautiful.

And who I am to say she’s wrong?

In light of Demi’s recent health revelation, many stars have come out of the woodwork to reveal their personal beauty regimens. And for some, it’s not pretty. Take a look…

Renee Zellweger: Has a heavyweight boxer break up her face each and every day to ensure maximum scrunchiness.

Matthew McConaughey: Doesn’t need to do anything, cause he’s L-I-V-I-N! (Though the weed and the sports and the banging models helps, too.)

Lindsay Lohan: Each week, buys 100 packs of Crayola markers, then throws them all out but the orange ones. Using all 100 markers at once, she colors her tan in. You know, just to get a base.

President Clinton: Six words - “The royal penis is clean, sire.”

Ryan Seacrest: Before every Tuesday edition of American Idol, takes the Concorde to Tibet, scales the tallest mountain, sneaks into a hidden room of a monastery and gives a glory hole beej to the Dalai Lama. Claims it gives him that “just gayed by a spiritual deity” feeling that helps him devise the clever bon mots he uses against Simon Cowell.

Simon Cowell: Is secretly the guy glory holing Ryan Seacrest. Claims it gives him that “just secretly ram-gayed a network TV gameshow host” feeling he uses to look so smug in that judges chair.

Ryan Reynolds: Drinks a can of Powerthirst every morning to keep up his ridonkulous physique. His flavor of choice: RAWBERRY. It gives him gratuitous amounts of energy (ENERGY!). Don’t know what Powerthirst is? Peep the video:

• Side note: Ryan Reynolds actually has 400 babies. They’re currently undergoing marathon training in Kenya. In the year 2019, Ryan Reynolds’ children will take places 1-400 in every marathon on the planet. And they will all be snarky.

Reese Witherspoon: Does nothing. Being the spawn of Satan has its perks. Just what I heard…

Prince: Hustles unsuspecting D-list celebrities in pick-up basketball games. Afterwards, he cooks them pancakes. Game, blouses!

Hilary Swank: Men don’t need a beauty regimen, they’re fine just the way they are.

Jessica Biel: To maintain her perfectly over-sized posterior, she literally keeps junk in her trunk. Nothing big, just, you know, some crackers, a game of jacks, her 3rd place Archery ribbon from summer camp, Scattegories, lip balm, some old Nintendo cartridges (if you’re lucky, she’ll let you blow on them), stuff like that.

Kristen Bell: In order to remain extraordinarily cute, buys a new golden retriever puppy every 3 months just to rub it on her face before bed. The puppies are single use and she donates them to poor children once they’ve properly cutified her face. Sadly, the puppies are 72% less cute when she’s done with them, but don’t worry, they’re still good enough for poor kids.

Mario Lopez: You know those pills that Jesse was taking on the very special episode of Saved By The Bell? The ones that made her so excited, so excited, so… scared? Mario takes them to make his abs feel so excited, so excited, so… crunchy!

Megan Fox: Who knows, but whatever she’s doing, it’s working.

Ashton Kutcher: He’s Demi’s real leech! As Demi gets older, he gets younger. It’s the perfect crime! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA! /twirls lame hipster beard

Bangarang!

As predicted by me, Britney slam dunked her extended cameo on the alarmingly rapid decline of funny known as “How I Met Your Mother”. She was poised, professional and cleaned-up to the point of 1998 hotness. Every goal for the gimmick came through. The show got big ratings and was legit funny for the first time all season. Britney proved that she can be still for five minutes and speak in coherent sentences. She also proved she can look pretty and down to earth, albeit with a little make-up and favorable stage lighting. She proved that gay guys still love her (NPH was practically drooling.), and she reminded us all of something vitally important about the machine that is Britney Spears: she’s a talented performer!

When she picked up the phone to announce that “Magnum” was there to see the doctor, then silently admonished herself for a such a cheesy move? Brilliant. Michael Cera wishes he could pull off that master class in awkwardness. And if you don’t think I’m about to use “That’sfunnysmartandgreat!” about fifty times over my next twenty posts, well then you don’t know The Jay very well.

Besides learning that I have prediction skills that would make Nostradamus legally change his name to Nostradamthejayisgood, cause I am that good (also, burn!), here’s what else we learned from last night’s Britney-infused How I Met Your Mother:

1. Sarah Chalke needs to dropkick Zach Braff in the face and get her own show with a quickness. She seamlessly picked up the HIMYM rapid fire dialogue, never once made me think I was watching Elliot Reed, and looked totes fetch in the process (yes, I’m making it happen. BMA, Regina George.)

• Fun bonus story about Sarah Chalke: I did extra work on the Scrubs set a handful of times and always found Second Becky to be charming, cute and coordinated. Apparently, this is a unique observation. My fellow blogger Audiebird relayed to me a story about spotting Chalke (my new euphemism for masturbation, btdub) coming out of a restaurant. Her words: “Cute face, but the body was disgusting. She walked like her vagina was being pulled by strings. Love her, though.” Um, gross?

2. Alyson Hannigan saying five retarded lines about biting her nails is what Anthony Keidis would liken to beating up Keanu Reeves in Point Break: “That would be a waste of time.” Can someone please rescue her from CBS and start casting her in movies? Who wouldn’t go see a Alyson Hannigan/Amy Adams redheaded romcom about two sisters looking for love amidst wacky hijinks and pale skin jokes (Ellen Pompeo can play their shrewish, squinty Aunt)? Maxim Magazine’s head just exploded at the thought of putting them on the cover together.

• Also, if Cobie Smulders doesn’t start getting more to do than make bad jokes and wait for the next Robin Sparkles episode, I may demote the show from “Save Until Delete” status to “Keep As Needed”. Why doesn’t she have a parallel finding love story with Ted? She already has the best online dating profile ever. Laser tag, cigars and former Canadian pop star? Um, yes please! I’m starting to get the feeling HIMYM hates women. Just putting it out there.

3. The two minute date idea is adorable, but could never happen in real life, and isn’t even physically possible in Los Angeles. There are no taxi’s at the ready, the restaurant would make you wait 15 minutes even with a reservation, you’d have to watch the movie at a Best Buy (which takes an hour just to get out of), and most of all, waiting outside someone’s workplace is creepy. That kind of move gets you lawyered out here. Or, depending on the fame level of the person you’re waiting for, an exclusive interview with TMZ.

• Also, Ted violated two huge guy dating rules: 1. Never spend more than $40 on a first date, and 2. Don’t date single mothers when you don’t want a kid in your life. The whole affair was doomed from the beginning. I guess if you’re gonna go down in flames, Sarah Chalke is a nice Zeppelin to crash, but still. Barney was right, after the fifth “no” it’s bang the receptionist time. Dem’s the rules.

4. If I ever grow a mustache I won’t look like a child molester (or a 70’s porn star), but instead, like Magnum P.I., only “a million times more handsome”. And dowdy receptionists who are secretly disgraced pop stars making a righteous TV comeback will want me. Of course, the real reason I’d grow a mustache is so I could speak Italian.

5 - Finally, this has nothing to do with HIMYM, so much as it does Jason Segel’s upcoming movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I was driving around The Valley with my younger brother this weekend and we passed one of those bus stop ads that said: “You SUCK Sarah Marshall”. I smiled, because it’s a great ad, but my brother started visibly shaking. I asked what was wrong and this was our ensuing conversation:

Lil Bro: That stupid billboard, I hate it! It’s so douche-y.

The Jay: What are you talking about? They’re hilarious.

Lil Bro: You think it’s hilarious to go around town putting up nasty billboards about your ex-girlfriend?

The Jay: Um… what?

Lil Bro: Yeah, some guy broke up with this actress and is now putting up billboards all over LA with nasty shit written on them.

The Jay: It’s a movie.

Lil Bro: What’s a movie?

The Jay: Those ads? They’re for a movie. With Jason Segel and Veronica Mars? It’s called Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Comes out in a few weeks. No? Anybody? Bueller? It’s just a marketing gimmick.

Lil Bro: No, dude! This guy has a blog about what he’s doing. And I saw the girl’s fan site. It’s real. This isn’t a movie.

The Jay: Look who you’re talking to!

Lil Bro: Look who YOU’RE talking to, ball-ass!

The Jay: I can’t believe you did better on the SAT’s than me.

Bangarang!