Watch the video before you read on!

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My power is more powerful than your power.

My funny is funnier.

I’m Scrunchy Von Scrunch Scrunch

My whoa is better than your whoa.

L-I-V-I-N!

My manly is more manly than your manly.

My talent is funnsmartandgreat.

I’m already my prepping my next reality show.

My TV show is more confusing.

I’m hotter.

I’m more annoying.

Your Oscar speech isn’t very good.

My batshit crazy is crazier than your batshit crazy.

Your cleavage owes my cleavage $20 bucks.

My jiggy smells like baby wipes.

Baby wipes?

My better.

My better.

Is better than your better.

My better is better than your better.

Thank you very much for coming.

TheJay.com SPARQ Training.

Just Bangarang It!

As predicted by me, Britney slam dunked her extended cameo on the alarmingly rapid decline of funny known as “How I Met Your Mother”. She was poised, professional and cleaned-up to the point of 1998 hotness. Every goal for the gimmick came through. The show got big ratings and was legit funny for the first time all season. Britney proved that she can be still for five minutes and speak in coherent sentences. She also proved she can look pretty and down to earth, albeit with a little make-up and favorable stage lighting. She proved that gay guys still love her (NPH was practically drooling.), and she reminded us all of something vitally important about the machine that is Britney Spears: she’s a talented performer!

When she picked up the phone to announce that “Magnum” was there to see the doctor, then silently admonished herself for a such a cheesy move? Brilliant. Michael Cera wishes he could pull off that master class in awkwardness. And if you don’t think I’m about to use “That’sfunnysmartandgreat!” about fifty times over my next twenty posts, well then you don’t know The Jay very well.

Besides learning that I have prediction skills that would make Nostradamus legally change his name to Nostradamthejayisgood, cause I am that good (also, burn!), here’s what else we learned from last night’s Britney-infused How I Met Your Mother:

1. Sarah Chalke needs to dropkick Zach Braff in the face and get her own show with a quickness. She seamlessly picked up the HIMYM rapid fire dialogue, never once made me think I was watching Elliot Reed, and looked totes fetch in the process (yes, I’m making it happen. BMA, Regina George.)

• Fun bonus story about Sarah Chalke: I did extra work on the Scrubs set a handful of times and always found Second Becky to be charming, cute and coordinated. Apparently, this is a unique observation. My fellow blogger Audiebird relayed to me a story about spotting Chalke (my new euphemism for masturbation, btdub) coming out of a restaurant. Her words: “Cute face, but the body was disgusting. She walked like her vagina was being pulled by strings. Love her, though.” Um, gross?

2. Alyson Hannigan saying five retarded lines about biting her nails is what Anthony Keidis would liken to beating up Keanu Reeves in Point Break: “That would be a waste of time.” Can someone please rescue her from CBS and start casting her in movies? Who wouldn’t go see a Alyson Hannigan/Amy Adams redheaded romcom about two sisters looking for love amidst wacky hijinks and pale skin jokes (Ellen Pompeo can play their shrewish, squinty Aunt)? Maxim Magazine’s head just exploded at the thought of putting them on the cover together.

• Also, if Cobie Smulders doesn’t start getting more to do than make bad jokes and wait for the next Robin Sparkles episode, I may demote the show from “Save Until Delete” status to “Keep As Needed”. Why doesn’t she have a parallel finding love story with Ted? She already has the best online dating profile ever. Laser tag, cigars and former Canadian pop star? Um, yes please! I’m starting to get the feeling HIMYM hates women. Just putting it out there.

3. The two minute date idea is adorable, but could never happen in real life, and isn’t even physically possible in Los Angeles. There are no taxi’s at the ready, the restaurant would make you wait 15 minutes even with a reservation, you’d have to watch the movie at a Best Buy (which takes an hour just to get out of), and most of all, waiting outside someone’s workplace is creepy. That kind of move gets you lawyered out here. Or, depending on the fame level of the person you’re waiting for, an exclusive interview with TMZ.

• Also, Ted violated two huge guy dating rules: 1. Never spend more than $40 on a first date, and 2. Don’t date single mothers when you don’t want a kid in your life. The whole affair was doomed from the beginning. I guess if you’re gonna go down in flames, Sarah Chalke is a nice Zeppelin to crash, but still. Barney was right, after the fifth “no” it’s bang the receptionist time. Dem’s the rules.

4. If I ever grow a mustache I won’t look like a child molester (or a 70’s porn star), but instead, like Magnum P.I., only “a million times more handsome”. And dowdy receptionists who are secretly disgraced pop stars making a righteous TV comeback will want me. Of course, the real reason I’d grow a mustache is so I could speak Italian.

5 - Finally, this has nothing to do with HIMYM, so much as it does Jason Segel’s upcoming movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I was driving around The Valley with my younger brother this weekend and we passed one of those bus stop ads that said: “You SUCK Sarah Marshall”. I smiled, because it’s a great ad, but my brother started visibly shaking. I asked what was wrong and this was our ensuing conversation:

Lil Bro: That stupid billboard, I hate it! It’s so douche-y.

The Jay: What are you talking about? They’re hilarious.

Lil Bro: You think it’s hilarious to go around town putting up nasty billboards about your ex-girlfriend?

The Jay: Um… what?

Lil Bro: Yeah, some guy broke up with this actress and is now putting up billboards all over LA with nasty shit written on them.

The Jay: It’s a movie.

Lil Bro: What’s a movie?

The Jay: Those ads? They’re for a movie. With Jason Segel and Veronica Mars? It’s called Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Comes out in a few weeks. No? Anybody? Bueller? It’s just a marketing gimmick.

Lil Bro: No, dude! This guy has a blog about what he’s doing. And I saw the girl’s fan site. It’s real. This isn’t a movie.

The Jay: Look who you’re talking to!

Lil Bro: Look who YOU’RE talking to, ball-ass!

The Jay: I can’t believe you did better on the SAT’s than me.

Bangarang!

I think we can all agree that despite the 5150’s, the Federline spawn, the going commando, the dinners with Riggs, the bi-polar manic depression and the British accent, that Britney Spears is a Brilliant Genius.***

Anyone that can change the landscape of an entire industry, simply by putting on a Catholic school outfit and flinging her hand in the air, is a mastermind of Lex Luthor proportions (click this link, go 22 seconds in and recognize, fools!). And the way she continued to rule her industry for another seven years (never forget that she has been the BIGGEST celebrity in America since 1997, she wipes her ass with Christina’s fame), all while pop music was on the outs, better singers were popping up left and right, cheating on a beloved teen icon, and putting out the best dance music this side of “Get Into The Groove”? Seriously, how can anyone not agree that Britney Spears is a Brilliant Genius.

But alas, that idea is hogwash today. Britney is a joke, and her talent is all but forgotten. Various efforts to re-energize her career have fallen flat; despite great critical reception to her last album (”Piece of Me” is brills, on the real), no one with “taste” would claim to believe that she has any talent whatsoever, let alone any brains. But I think they’re wrong. And I know how to fix the problem. America will have its pop princess back, and you’ll have The Jay to thank.

Here’s how I’ll do it:

1 - Have her do the theme song to a montage scene in a hit sports movie.

Did you see her new music video? The crazy anime spectacular for her single “Break the Ice”? When I first saw the title I thought it was a remake of the theme song to Rad, the best 80’s BMX movie of all time. Which would have been a-MAY-zing.

And I was bummed to find out that wasn’t the case, however the actual video and song are pretty cool in their own right. She would have made an interesting Aeon Flux…

Break the Ice

Every great sports movie has a classic piece of music attached to it. If we can get Britney to do the theme for some tennis movie or boxing flick, play it over the scenes when our hero is training for the big match, make her the Survivor of the new millennium, that montage will get YouTube-d like whoa, the track will become a staple at every sporting event and it will be in the iPods of every girl on every treadmill in every 24 hour Fitness, ever. She would become, as Randy Jackson likes to say, a true copyright.

2 - Get her tubes tied.

Let her keep bangin’ anyone she wants, just so long as the chance for more offspring is non-existent. This has the added bonus of killing 50% of all the tabloid bs printed about her (”Is Brit Preggers With Adnan’s Baby?”), and removes 30% of all male leeches hoping to lock her down for eighteen years.

3 - Cast her as the third billed lead in an ensemble sitcom, where she plays a character called “Britney Spears”.

A cameo on How I Met Your Mother is a perfect way to slowly integrate her into the world of TV. Maybe after this she does a walk on on a Law and Order, maybe a guest star bit as a patient who dies tragically on ER and then finishes it up with another classic hosting gig for SNL. Britney Spears in a Penelope sketch might literally shatter the Awesome Meter.

Remember, when on point, Britney is a magnetic personality. You can’t take your eyes off of her. She has shrewd comedic timing, and can pull off drama (go back and watch the “Everytime” video, she spits on Stephen Dorff’s acting grave). I’m telling you, she’d make a brilliant TV star. Put her in an ensemble one-camera comedy, where she plays the cooky neighbor who used to be a pop star and it’s a meta-riffic bonanza of hilarity. Hell put her on 30 Rock and she can take Tracey Morgan behind the studio and get HIM pregnant. She has a loyal, built-in audience that would never miss an episode, and I bet we would come to find that she’s a surprisingly good actress.

4 - Three words: Hannah Montana’s Cousin.

If anyone can give credibility to her career, it’s her tween replacement. Let Miley Cyrus do the talking and the kids will listen.

5 - Get Bono to adopt her as one of his charitable works.

If she’s stable and sober for six months it would easily make him the front runner for next year’s Nobel Peace Prize. Bringing peace to a war torn nation is one thing, but getting Britney Spears to keep her clothes on and be a good mom is a whole OTHER thing entirely.

6 - Put her in the Clockwork Orange brainwashing chair and force her to look at images of positive role models and influential artists on a loop for 72 hours.

She’ll be Maya Angelou with Oprah’s drive and charity by Day Two.

7 - Make Madonna the conservator of her estate. If anyone knows how to manage the life of a crazy pop star, it’s Madge.

The British accent may never go away, Brit may become a faux Jew (I could bring her home to Mom!), and the cone bra may get revitalized, but the money would get invested properly, the residual checks would get signed on time, the payroll would get trimmed to within an inch of it’s life and Kevin Federline would be involved in a suspicious accident inside of a month. All good things for our girl.

8 - Recreate this scene from Rocky 3, but replace Britney Spears for Rocky, Christina Aguilera for Apollo, and fame-hungry white nineteen year-olds for cold-blooded black boxers:

9 - Put her on Dancing With The Stars.

She’d win in a walk, which means great press for her and amazing ratings for ABC, the public would remember how great a dancer she is, she’d get into incredible shape again, the routine would snap her back into professional entertainer mode and, best of all, it would blow Joey Fatone’s greasy mind!

10 - Have South Park find the answer for you.

Watch tonight to see Matt and Trey work their wonders on our beloved fallen diva. If the ep is half as funny as the J.Lo/Ben Affleck ep, we may have a classic on our hands. Cheeto flavored kisses for my Federline!

*** Just so we’re clear, I am COMPLETELY serious about this. I truly think she’s brilliant. She’s not just the pretty vessel for a machine of producers. Her talent is quantifiable. She’s like Keanu Reeves, in that after a point, you can’t just point at the pretty and say that’s the reason for their success. You can’t say Keanu is a bad actor or Britney is a bad singer when they’ve been working and succeeding in their respective industries for as long as they have. Would The Matrix have been better or worse without Keanu? I say worse. Would “Toxic” have been more or less awesome had Gwen Stefani sang it? I say less awesome (and with lamer fashion). You have to be SMART to last in the entertainment world. You need brains, chutzpah and balls. Britney has all of those attributes (especially the balls).

I’m bringing her back, kids. That’s happening. And it’s time to start preparing for her return.

Bangarang!

Are you gonna be on your way?

I have a right lot of business to tether. I can not dither around here with you lot. It is imperative I make haste to my appointments. You and your queer fuck buddies are being an obstacle to me, and I find you to be quite a fine pain in my arse.

Are you gonna be on your way?

Belt up all that commotion, yeah! I can hear you ringing up my name, can’t I? I bloody well have ears! I am so brassed off at you lot, keeping me from my appointments. You are being rather cheeky with your instigations about my private life. I should give you bloody savages a hard kick in the bum, is what I should do.

Are you gonna be on your way?

Now I am getting cheesed off! I stop at this streetlight, minding my own bloody business and trying to have a fag, and here you bunch of nancy boys are just trying to make some quid from my haggard face and dodgered body. You’re making me into a wreck, and I won’t let you. I’m a proper girl now. Madge and me mum saw to that. Me knickers are staying on now, so you can clear off. I’m no longer the daft bird I once was.

Are you gonna be on your way?

Bollocks all! You’re a bunch of dodgy whores, just trying to snap shots of my full monty. What will it take to make you people chuff off? Do you want a close-up of my starking twat? Would that make you happy? A little how’s your father with the little Brit? Do you fancy me, yeah? Do you fancy good ‘ole Brit? I should say you do. But you can’t have it! None of you lot can. Keep your todgers in your trousers boys, there’ll be no hanky panky for you journo’s… except maybe the Arab one I’m snogging right now. So you are all wasting your time. I will merely sit here until you sod off.

Are you gonna be on your way?

Look you twits, I am jolly knackered and I still have a full day ahead of me. I am expected at the dance parlour for rehearsal, then I am to meet with a Barrister to discuss my parenting with my wanker ex-husband, I’m due to get piss up with me mates tonight, and, as a topper, I am in dire need of a gas station loo to use without my sandals on. All that amidst the LA traffic queue. So you see I have no time for this dalliance.

Are you gonna be on your way?

What? What are you going on about? Are you having a laugh? Of course this is my bloody voice! I’m not pissing around. Why would I make this up? It’s bad enough the courts sacked me as a mother and the public thinks I’m looney, but now this rubbish about the way I speak? That’s a load! Don’t you people get it? I am off my trolley! I was born in Louisiana! I jolly well nicked this gimmick from Madonna to try and seem classy. And it’s not working. This whole deal is total pants.

Are you gonna be on your way?

Bloody hell!

This is the fourth definition listed in the Urban Dictionary under the term “tool”:

“A person, typically male, who says or does things that cause you to give them a ‘what-are-you-even-doing- here’ look. The ‘what-are-you-even-doing- here’ look is classified by a glare in the tool’s direction and is usually accompanied by muttering of how big of a tool they are. The tool is usually someone who is unwelcome but no one has the balls to tell them to get lost. The tool is always making comments that are out-of-place, out-of-line or just plain stupid. The tool is always trying too hard to fit in, and because of this, never will.?

Here is my definition of the term “tool”:

“Carson Daly”

Now, which of those definitions applies to Ben Affleck? I say neither.

People who watch Orlando Bloom act and find him to be bland have sufficient reason for feeling so. Fact is he’s bland; there is a void of charisma when he’s on screen. Low-minded people who think Keanu Reeves is a sucky actor could probably make a case that there have been a few bad performances in The One’s illustrious oeuvre (Dracula comes to mind). Britney detractors could form a solid argument on her lack of singing ability simply by having eyes, ears, taste and an aversion to Cheetos dust (the last one is harder than you’d think).

But where do people get off thinking Ben Affleck is a tool?

Is he the best actor in Hollywood? No, far from it (though he has gotten good reviews before, hello Changing Lanes). Has he been involved in a completely annoying celebrity couple? Absolutely, but Bennifer was no more or less intolerable than Brangelina, Vaughniston, TomKat or Nick and Jessica. Has he made way too much money starring in a slew of crappy movies? I think Forces of Nature, Surviving Christmas, Paycheck, Man About Town, Bounce, Reindeer Games and Pearl Harbor speak for themselves. But has he really done ANYTHING worthy of lumping him in with Carson Daly, K-Fed, Criss Angel and any white guy out on the town in a striped shirt? I aim to prove he hasn’t.

It’s a hard climb to the top of “Ben Affleck is NOT a tool” Mountain, so let me get the biggest obstacle out of the way right now: Gigli.

Picture this: You’re a well-known talent in Hollywood. A producer comes to you and says “Hey guy, I have a movie for you. It’s a love story between you and Jennifer Lopez where you get to make out with her on set and watch her do yoga in booty shorts. But you’re also a gangster, so you’re gritty and tough and get to rough people up. We got Al Pacino coming in to yell at you in a scene and be creepy. And we’re flying in Christopher Walken to do one of his patented loopy speeches while you writhe on the floor in pain cause he just shot you. It’ll be just like that awesome scene in True Romance. Marty Brest is directing. He’s done Beverly Hills Cop and Midnight Run, and he got Pacino his only Oscar. Also, we’re gonna pay you TEN MILLION DOLLARS!” What do you say to that? You’re saying hell yes!

So Gigli is not his fault. He’s looking a lot less tool-y now, isn’t he?

You can’t say he’s untalented. Despite what urban myths would say, he wrote an Academy Award-winning screenplay. That happened. He’s won several significant awards for acting. And his directorial debut, “Gone Baby Gone” is getting filthy good reviews. I saw it and thought it was light years better than Mystic River (mostly because at no point in the movie did anyone melodrama into the camera “IS DAT MY DADER IN DERE????”). So the only real reason you could call him a tool is because of his relationship with J. Lo. Take that way (and I’ll explain why you can in just a minute) and the only mark is a few bad movies. If making a few bad movies makes you a tool than you can slap that label on George Clooney (The Peacemaker), Matt Damon (The Legend of Bagger Vance), Johnny Depp (Secret Window), Jude Law (his entire 2004 slate), and pretty much any male actor who’s toplined a few movies in his career.

Fact is Ben Affleck gets a bad wrap because he’s a fun, funny guy who dated one wrong girl, made a few bad movies and was a bit too omnipresent a few years back. I say he’s also made a slew of great movies, always makes me laugh on SNL, learned from his mistakes and settled down away from the tabloids with a nice girl and is well-liked by all his peers. For that and the following forty reasons, I think it’s preposterous to call my boy Affleck a tool. Let me prove it to you…

35 Reasons Why Ben Affleck Is NOT A Tool

1. The man has a very good chick stock portfolio. He sold high on Gwyneth, broke even on J.Lo and picked up a very dependable Jen Garner IRA. And he was never tempted by a risky celebritard-IPO (Britney, Lindsay, Paris, Brittany Murphy).

2. Created Project Greenlight as a way to develop new filmmakers. Not his fault that the contest winners sucked balls and their movies polluted theaters and DVD shelves worse than Forces of Nature. Although Gulager was fun to watch in a rubbernecking traffic accident kind of way.

3. Nominated for a Golden Globe for his role as George Reeves in Hollywoodland. Won the Best Actor Award at the Venice Film Festival for the same performance. Not to mention getting rave reviews for his work in Changing Lanes, Shakespeare in Love, Chasing Amy and Smoking Aces. So you all can shove it with that “crappy actor” nonsense. Have you ever thought it might not be him, but instead be the movie, or the director? I swear, Ben could be Keanu’s spiritual cousin.

4. Unlike, some other fake sports bigamists (ahem, unfunny Dane Cook), Affleck is actually a TRUE fan of his favorite sports team (the Red Sox, if you didn’t know).

5. Gave us the chance to see Ed Harris and Morgan Freeman chew scenery together in Gone Baby Gone. Gotta love that.

6. He’s not nearly as skeezy or douchebaggery as Colin Farrell, a guy who’s made just as many awful movies as the Fleck (Hart’s War, Ask The Dust, Miami Vice, Alexander, American Outlaws).

7. More on the point of acting, a person’s relative talent level is fairly fact based. Either he’s good or he isn’t. But that has no relation to his relative tool level, which is entirely subjective. So he not being great in a couple of movies has no bearing on his perception of being a tool. I don’t judge Carson Daly’s toolishness on his Last Call monologue. I judge his toolery on his poser black fingernails, his manorexia, his goofball name, his propensity for dating idiots (hey Tara Reid!), and the fact that, you know, he’s a tool.

8. Can speak extemporaneously on a wide-range of topics, which makes him light years ahead of most of his Hollywood generation, and a good portion of our government officials. And by “a good portion”, I mean our President.

9. Gave his kid a relatively normal name (“Violet”). It could have been worse. His Chasing Amy co-star Jason Lee named his kid “Pilot Inspektor”. Hell, his ex named her kid “Apple”.

10. Brought his Mom to the Oscars when he won for Good Will Hunting. That’s class, kids, c’mon!

11. Made a tightly-constructed, soulful, gripping detective movie starring a group of fantastic actors and never once called attention to his personal baggage in the process. In other words, is not Bret Ratner.

12. Harrison Ford signed off on Affleck replacing him in the Jack Ryan series. If he’s good enough for Han Solo and Indiana Jones, he’s good enough for me.

13. Why is he a tool because his head and face are kinda simian-esque? McConaughey has T-rex arms. Damon has a fratboy pig nose. Brad Pitt is notoriously smelly. Orlando Bloom is a chick. Keanu is grody to the max. But Affleck is a tool because he has a square jaw? I don’t get it.

14. Even if he DOES wear a hairpiece, who cares? So have Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds, and Bruce Willis, and those guys rule.

15. Like Brad, Matt, George, Matthew or Jude was gonna pull off the animal crackers scene in Armageddon, any better? He had to drag crackers across Liv Tyler’s pudge and make it look sexy. That’s a Herculean task. Laurence Olivier would have been flummoxed. Cary Grant would have called in a stunt double.

16. Campaigns excessively for the Democratic Party, but never once comes off like a Baldwinian hypocrite-twit. Spends time at phone banks doing voter registration, makes speeches at rally’s and works to diminish lobby-influence on politicians. Said this about his own political aspirations: “My fantasy is that someday I’m independently wealthy enough that I’m not beholden to anybody, so I can run for Congress on the grounds that everyday people — be they singers or poets or bankers or lawyers or teachers — should be in government.” That’s honest activism I can get behind.

17. And is an actual TRUE activist, not to mention a good sport.

18. Morgan Freeman likes him (and he’s God!). That’s enough for me.

19. The man may not have the most range, but he can pull off a speech. A couple more You Tube-worthy monologues and he might just be our next Alec Baldwin.

20. Deflected most of the Bennifer hatred by immediately dropping off the tabloid circuit the minute he cut ties with La Lopez. Makes you wonder how much of the Bennifer nonsense was J.Lo’s fault, and not his. After all, do you EVER read Ben and Jen Garner pieces in Us Weekly? (see, I told you I had a good reason for eliminating this foible)

21. And now shows contrition for the hoopla surrounding that relationship and the negative impact it had on his acting career. Contrition! Would a true tool show contrition? I don’t see K. Fed apologizing for Britney. Or Carson Daly apologizing for himself.

22. This is from a report of Ben Affleck at the debut of his wife, Jennifer Garner, on Broadway with Cyrano De Bergerac: “Ben Affleck fought back tears of pride as he jumped to his feet to give his actress wife Jennifer Garner a standing ovation at the close of her official first night on Broadway recently.” The man loves his celebrity wife. How often is that true. Did K-Fed ever cry tears of pride when “Toxic” came on the radio? Does Chris Martin get teary when he watches Gwyneth be bitchy onscreen? Did Ryan Phillipe ever go ballistic in support when Reese would win an award? OK, that last one happened, but only because he was drunk. And is an idiot.

23. Is a great sport about people making fun of him. Example 1: The SNL Mango “Ben Whoffleck” sketch. Example 2: South Park’s skewering of Bennifer: “Taco flavored kisses for my Ben!”

24. Is an open and generous supporter of his homosexual cousin Jason, and has done work for the organization “Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays”. That puts him ahead of Kevin Spacey in my book.

25. Is considered one of the most loyal actors in Hollywood; why else would he agree to do Jersey Girl?

26. Speaking of, can laugh at his own limitations: Apple Sauce, BITCH!

27. His directorial debut was a short film titled “I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her On A Meat Hook, and Now I Have A Three-Picture Deal At Disney”. C’mon, that’s just awesome!

28. Was named People Magazine’s 2002 Sexiest Man Alive. George Clooney’s won twice. So have Brad Pitt and Richard Gere. McConaughey and Damon both have one win. So why is Affleck the tool in the bunch? They’ve all done their share of shitty movies and dated their share of questionable women. At least Affleck has the good grace to seem bemused by the whole thing.

29. His work as Big Bad Donnie Bartalotti in the Boston Teens sketches on SNL. (“I would never zap your lady. For serious, bro!”)

30. If you’ve never heard him do an audio commentary before, remedy that ASAP. He makes sitting through Pearl Harbor a breeze. I particularly like his commentaries for Chasing Amy (“I put on a clinic and my skills are free.”) and Mallrats.

31. Sure he’s made some shitty movies, but hell, it’s not like he’s Nicolas Cage!

32. Just to insure that his stint in rehab for alcoholism would stick, Affleck had legendary abuser Charlie “Ma” Sheen drive him to rehab. The MaSheen behind the wheel would get me to quit drinking, let me tell you. Moreover, has not publicly relapsed like some other celebrities we know and love (ahem, Lindsay). (btw, can you imagine the stories MaSheen must have told him to help him quit drinking. I quote John Turturro from Mr. Deeds: “The hideousness of [MaSheen] will haunt my dreams forever”.)

33. Has realized his time as a bankable leading man have passed him, and wisely decided to do smaller roles in cool ensemble films. Affleck is much more tolerable and likeable in small doses. And with a handlebar mustache (see Aces, Smoking).

34. Started supporting the non-profit organization A-T Childrens Project after he befriended Joe Kindregan, a wheelchair-bound child diagnosed with ataxia-telangiectasia, a rare genetic disease that causes neurological deterioration. Goes above and beyond to improve Joe’s quality of life, including paying for medical bills, taking him to premieres, and sending his family on vacations. Affleck even lobbied Congress for increased research funding. We call Tom Cruise a hero for changing some schmoe’s tire. Affleck is changing this kid’s life. Let’s show some respect.

35. You gotta admit that, regardless of everything else, he was the bomb in Phantoms, yo!

Bangarang!