Looking pretty in Hollywood isn’t hard to do. Every celebrity does the same things: eat right, exercise often, get their hair done by professionals, use make-up that matches, highlights and improves their skin, kill babies and suck their blood. It’s standard stuff. But STAYING pretty in Hollywood? Not an easy task. Some celebrities will do almost anything to maintain their looks.

On The Late Show with David Letterman the other day, Demi Moore revealed that she uses leeches as a beauty regimen. She claims it’s the secret to looking glamorous at 61 45. I claim someone’s been watching Speed 2: Cruise Control a bit too much on TNT (Seriously Demi, Willem Dafoe is no one’s beauty maven). I guess she feels that in addition to rampant facial reconstruction, weekly botox injections, massive plastic surgery across her body and sucking the lifeblood out of a twenty year old himbo actor, she must let leeches suck her blood to stay beautiful.

And who I am to say she’s wrong?

In light of Demi’s recent health revelation, many stars have come out of the woodwork to reveal their personal beauty regimens. And for some, it’s not pretty. Take a look…

Renee Zellweger: Has a heavyweight boxer break up her face each and every day to ensure maximum scrunchiness.

Matthew McConaughey: Doesn’t need to do anything, cause he’s L-I-V-I-N! (Though the weed and the sports and the banging models helps, too.)

Lindsay Lohan: Each week, buys 100 packs of Crayola markers, then throws them all out but the orange ones. Using all 100 markers at once, she colors her tan in. You know, just to get a base.

President Clinton: Six words - “The royal penis is clean, sire.”

Ryan Seacrest: Before every Tuesday edition of American Idol, takes the Concorde to Tibet, scales the tallest mountain, sneaks into a hidden room of a monastery and gives a glory hole beej to the Dalai Lama. Claims it gives him that “just gayed by a spiritual deity” feeling that helps him devise the clever bon mots he uses against Simon Cowell.

Simon Cowell: Is secretly the guy glory holing Ryan Seacrest. Claims it gives him that “just secretly ram-gayed a network TV gameshow host” feeling he uses to look so smug in that judges chair.

Ryan Reynolds: Drinks a can of Powerthirst every morning to keep up his ridonkulous physique. His flavor of choice: RAWBERRY. It gives him gratuitous amounts of energy (ENERGY!). Don’t know what Powerthirst is? Peep the video:

• Side note: Ryan Reynolds actually has 400 babies. They’re currently undergoing marathon training in Kenya. In the year 2019, Ryan Reynolds’ children will take places 1-400 in every marathon on the planet. And they will all be snarky.

Reese Witherspoon: Does nothing. Being the spawn of Satan has its perks. Just what I heard…

Prince: Hustles unsuspecting D-list celebrities in pick-up basketball games. Afterwards, he cooks them pancakes. Game, blouses!

Hilary Swank: Men don’t need a beauty regimen, they’re fine just the way they are.

Jessica Biel: To maintain her perfectly over-sized posterior, she literally keeps junk in her trunk. Nothing big, just, you know, some crackers, a game of jacks, her 3rd place Archery ribbon from summer camp, Scattegories, lip balm, some old Nintendo cartridges (if you’re lucky, she’ll let you blow on them), stuff like that.

Kristen Bell: In order to remain extraordinarily cute, buys a new golden retriever puppy every 3 months just to rub it on her face before bed. The puppies are single use and she donates them to poor children once they’ve properly cutified her face. Sadly, the puppies are 72% less cute when she’s done with them, but don’t worry, they’re still good enough for poor kids.

Mario Lopez: You know those pills that Jesse was taking on the very special episode of Saved By The Bell? The ones that made her so excited, so excited, so… scared? Mario takes them to make his abs feel so excited, so excited, so… crunchy!

Megan Fox: Who knows, but whatever she’s doing, it’s working.

Ashton Kutcher: He’s Demi’s real leech! As Demi gets older, he gets younger. It’s the perfect crime! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA! /twirls lame hipster beard

Bangarang!

So we can dispense with that notion right now.

Today, the LA Times posted an obnoxious, poorly-thought out piece on Box Office Sorority Sisters, claiming that with the moderate opening weekend success of 27 Dresses, Katherine Heigl had officially joined the elusive ranks of women who can open a movie on their own. This, as I stated before, is complete shenanigans.

There are sooo many reasons why 27 Dresses opened to nearly $30 Million over the 4-day MLK weekend. Just off the top of my head…

• The ad campaign that focused on the movie being from the writer of The Devil Wears Prada.

• The involvement of the far more awesome James Marsden.

• A relatable premise (no girl likes to be a bridesmaid).

• The fact that there hasn’t been a straight-up romcom in theaters in nearly a year.

• The face that there is NOTHING else for women to see in theaters right now.

• Men owed their girlfriends and wives a chick flick after subjecting them to four months of football watching.

• Like me, people were going to the movie solely for the purpose of making fun of Katherine Heigl.

And I’d like to point out that 27 Dresses has a 37% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Not exactly the stuff of romcom glory (Juno, in comparison, is at 93% freshness).

So why do we all of a sudden think she’s a movie star? She wasn’t more than a piece of lawn furniture in Knocked Up. I’ve gone on record as saying she was the problem of the movie. Her “prettiness”, or what have you, completely derailed the plot; there was just no way that a girl like her would actively choose to stay with a guy like Seth Rogen. Maybe she wouldn’t have gotten a shmashmortion, but she wouldn’t have dated the guy. Also, the movie was overrated, and I could have done without the three close-ups of the crowning stunt vag.

Adding to this the fact that Heigl is currently KILLING Grey’s Anatomy. Her George-Izzie storyline single-handedly destroyed the watchability of last season and, barring the writer’s strike, would have probably side-tracked the current one. She’s the most grating, self-involved, smug, witless character on the show, and I LOATHE the Pompeo. Patrick Dempsey’s hair is even all “Cool it with the smugness, lady. You’re not that cute! Now where did my Personal Coif Attendant go?”

So where are her star credentials?

Are we going all the way back to her classic work in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, where she disappointed every male viewer by not following in the hallowed footsteps of Erika Eleniak’s gorgeous “popping out of a cake” tittyballs? Or the time when her brief thong flash in My Father, The Hero caused a 13 year-old The Jay to grudgingly sit through a Gerard Depardieu movie because there was no such thing as You Tube back in the day?

The fact is she’s only been likeable or even interesting twice in her entire career. First when she posed topless for a Maxim spread, back when that magazine meant something; and second, her strip foosball scene in 100 Girls, which led her character to mack down with pre-approved hottie Larisa Oleynick. That’s it. Those are the two moments. Everything else she has ever done is forgettable and worthless.

Moreover, opening a romantic comedy in January hardly warrants comparisons to Julia, Reese and Sandra. There have been plenty of It Girls who opened a romcom and were never a contender again. For example:

• Julia Stiles opened Save the Last Dance in January of 2001 to the same amount of money as 27 Dresses (more if you amend for inflation), and she can barely open regional theatre these days. She was the second lead of one of the biggest movies of 2007, does anyone even care if she’s breathing right now?

• Kate Hudson opened How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days to a cool $100 mil, but her combined B.O. grosses for The Skeleton Key, Raising Helen and Alex & Emma (in total: $26 dollars) seem to point to McConaughey being the key to the success. That’s why Fool’s Gold is gonna make a mint. People want to see his abs, not hers. God bless evolution.

• Lindsay Lohan opened Mean Girls and look what happened to her movie career. The drugs and the whoring and the Hilton did her in, but the godawful movies were the coffin she laid to rest in (unless someone out there thinks I Know Who Killed Me was a positive step in her career).

The fact of the matter is that there are very few women who can truly open a movie. This is the list:

• Julia Roberts

• Jodie Foster

That’s it. Everyone else has qualifiers to their successful openers (most of the time it’s due to their male co-stars). Let’s go down the list of the women the LA Times believes are in the “Omega Mega Bucks” sorority (cause THAT’s not setting women back a decade).

Julia Roberts: Pretty much retired. And she has nothing to prove anymore. When she puts out a movie, it’s an event, period.

Reese Witherspoon: Can’t open a movie. Legally Blonde was years ago, the sequel was diminished returns, Just Like Heaven tanked, Walk the Line was Oscar bait, Rendition bombed even with her on-set romance pub, and her current movie, Penelope, has been on the shelf for two years cause nobody thinks it’ll do any business. She’s a big star, but call me when her name and face open a sub-par dramedy above $13 mil.

Cameron Diaz: Aside from being successful at always looking like she just woke up from a three day coke bender, her movies haven’t done jack since before Tom Cruise went batshit crazy (can you even remember that far back?). Also, you’re not an opener when you’re doing romcoms with Ashton Kutcher called “What Happens In Vegas”. That’s just me being real with you.

Sarah Jessica Parker: Can’t open an equestrian show. Failure To Launch was the same as How To Lose A Guy…, the presence of Matthew McConaughey and a V-Day Release Date. Sex and the City will open big, but that’s a brand. Would you really see her in a movie if her co-star wasn’t Wooderson or the Sex girls? Me neither.

Drew Barrymore: If you’re goal is $50 million domestic, then Josie Grosie is your girl. But you gotta pair her with a cute boy to get it. Ever After was a loooong time ago.

Rachel McAdams: Can definitely open a movie… if she ever decides to make another one. Also, if she had starred in 27 Dresses, it would have beaten Cloverfield, and I would have already seen it twice. Warrants mentioning…

Jennifer Aniston: Please! Along Came Polly was Ben Stiller’s flick. The Break Up was sold on Vince Vaughn. Bruce Almighty was Jim Carrey’s show. HER movies, Derailed & Friends With Money, tanked. I watched her for free for ten years, why would I ever pay to see her doing anything onscreen (showing her boobies boobies boobies, notwithstanding)?

Angelina Jolie: Not without Brad Pitt.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Not without George Clooney.

Halle Berry: Not without showing her tits.

Renee Zellweger: Not without Bitchface removal surgery. Or a British accent.

Kirsten Dunst: Not without Spider-Man. (Or her being executed on-screen.)

Orlando Bloom: Not technically a chick, but does have a lovely vag, I’m told. No matter, can’t open anything without Johnny Depp, anyway.

It takes years and multiple hits for a woman to attain true movie-opening power. Jodie opened Flightplan, a movie so bad that Jodie Foster would rather admit she scissors her life partner than talk about that flick. Could Heigl open a Flightplan? I think not.

Consider Katherine Heigl’s personality and persona for a minute. Would you really go see her next movie if it wasn’t released in January, where your options are her or a vomit-inducing monster flick that’s sold out? No, you wouldn’t. She’s not opening a dark drama without a bigger male star, or an in-jeopardy thriller (not if Ashley Judd has anything to say about it), the two other genres women tend to do well in. I wouldn’t buy her in a Sci-Fi blockbuster. And there’s eight-trillion other hotties I’d rather see in a Bruckheimer style action flick (Megan Fox, for starters). So what does that leave her? Romcoms? How many more of these are you gonna buy her in? One, two tops? She should ask Mandy Moore or J.Lo what that career path looks like.

The bottom line is that she got lucky with this one. It won’t happen again. So we, and especially the LA Times, needs to cool it with the STAR IS BORN talk. I can’t be convinced to think of Scarlet Johansson as a true movie star and her T&A is faaaar better than Heigl’s. Also, ScarJo never emasculated George O’Malley, ruined his marriage to Callie, and forced me to pray for more Pompeo screentime. Sigh…

Fucking Izzie Stevens!

Bangarang!

The Scene: For no particular reason, Lindsay Lohan poses in a photoshoot with a slew of low-fi attired Marvel superheroes. Taking a break between shots, La Lohan chats up The Incredible Hulk

The Players: “Recovering” Celebritard (from alcohol, not from being a ‘tard), Current US Ambassador of Chlamydia Transportation to the Nation of Italy, and one-time supremely pre-approved redheaded hottie, Lindsay Lohan, and The Incredible Hulk (not played by Eric Bana)

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD. – LOS ANGELES – DAY

HULK daintily sips his coffee whilst leaning against a concrete wall. LINDSAY LOHAN slinks up to him, with a glint of skank in her eyes.

LINDSAY LOHAN: Hey, cutie.

HULK: HULK ON BREAK!

LL: Lindsay on break too. From alcohol. I don’t care what that fat fatty Perez said, I was so NOT drinking champagne on New Years. That was apple cider. With champagne flavoring.

HULK: HULK RESPECT SOBRIETY!

LL: You are so cute. I loved you in Troy.

HULK: HULK NOT ERIC BANA!

LL: OMG! What is Brad Pitt like? He wouldn’t even let me blow him when I saw him in the Men’s at the Globes last year. Whatever, he’s a lame Father now. I don’t need a Father, right?

HULK: HULK THINK THERAPY GOOD FOR YOU!

LL: Wow, Eric Bana, you are so ripped! Where do you work out?

HULK: HULK STAY HEALTHY BY EATING RIGHT EXERCISING AND AVOIDING CARBS!

LL: Do you take anything to get that big? Do you get high? OMG! Do you have anything? Cause I can NOT partake. I am totes two weeks clean. And that is supes important to other people. So if you have anything you need to do it somewhere else. Like my trailer. Just go and do it and leave it there if you have to.

HULK: HULK DARE TO SAY NO!

LL: I am so effing bored right now…. (thinks for a moment) You know, I look really sexy in green. Maybe we should go see what I’d look like with your green on me?

HULK: HULK NO WANT STD!

LL: Unh, you are so indecipherable! Like a swarthy, dumb Italian boy. I just want to make out with you in front of five or six paparazzi and then never see you again.

HULK: HULK NEEDS QUIET! HULK PREPARING FOR NEXT SHOT!

LL: I totally respect your process. I was like that too, once. I had my own process. I would sit in my trailer, learn my lines, take a deep breath and make sure I was fully prepared to be on camera. Man, I was so lame two years ago.

HULK shakes his head in disappointment.

LL: I know, right? I was such a dork. Now I’m just like fuck my shit what do I even need lines for? It’s called life experience, hello? I don’t even need to know my character’s name now. I am that in the moment at all times. Did you see I Know Who Killed Me?

HULK: HULK NO WATCH CRAP!

LL: Me neither, that’s why I only pick good movies. So, like, when I had to do my stripping scenes, I didn’t even need a moment to prepare. I WAS that girl. I KNEW her. Also, when I blew that guy on a boat in Georgia Rules? Same thing.

HULK: HULK NO LIKE JANE FONDA! NO SUPPORT TROOPS IN VIETNAM!

LL: Oh My God, is that a new club? Have you been? Can you score there? Um, like, have a good time, I mean?

HULK: VIETNAM NOT CLUB! WAS GROUND WAR CONFLICT BETWEEN USA AND COUNTRY OF VIETNAM IN 60’S AND 70’S!

LL: I should so do a period piece. I was gonna do one with Keira but I showed up on set and the script had so many goddamn big words in it, and I didn’t even get to hump any cute British guys. And I was like: “Meryl Streep says I’m a good actress, so WTF I have to prove to you bitches” and walked. They were crazy pissed at me, so I fucked my agent, got a fifth of Belvy and just chilled the fuck out with J-Pivs for a few days and it was all good.

HULK: LAST SEASON OF ENTOURAGE NOT VERY GOOD! MEDELLIN A BAD IDEA FOR VINCE AND E!

LL: Jesus hell, this is set is as boring as Utah, but with less broom closets to bang married guys in. We need to hurry it up. I have a 16 Days Sober Party at Shelter in like four hours. There’s gonna be a Grey Goose Fountain, it’s gonna be sick. And totes healthy.

HULK rolls his eyes. Looks down to see Lindsay humping his leg. He shakes her off.

LL: Sorry, my idiot NA sponsor says I’m an addict. That I use sex as a replacement for my addiction to drugs. And I was all, “Shut your face dude, I’m busy!” Like how can I have an intense conversation about my emotional well-being when I’m blowing him? He just couldn’t handle how logical I am.

HULK: PUNY CELEBRITARD! HULK MISS INNOCENT GIRL FROM PARENT TRAP REMAKE!

LL: I am so PENT UP! All work and no play make Lindsay go something something! I just need to take a drive down PCH doing 90 at 2am and I’ll be fine.

HULK: NO DRIVING! LICENSE SUSPENDED DUE TO USUABLE AMOUNT OF COCAINE AND CHASING ASSISTANT!

LL: You are so starting to bore me, Eric Bana. Are we gonna take pictures of us fucking or should I go see what the Dolly Grip is doing?

HULK stares at Lindsay. Then pulls his mask off.

HULK: Alright, that’s it. Look, I’m not Eric Bana and I’m not The Incredible Hulk. My name is Brian. I’m a character actor from Chicago. I’m doing a play at the Complex Theatre on Santa Monica next Thursday, if you’re free. And I was hired to do this photo shoot. I wasn’t going to say anything to you, but I can help it. What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you the way you are? What is with the drugs and the car crashes and the constant attention and media whoring and the sleeping with any sleazy guy who flashes a little Ziploc baggie at you and the oh good god horrible movies? You used to be a great actor. You used to be respected. You used to have promise. And you are BLOWING it! And for what? A good time at some stupid club? Getting to have Paris Hilton on your fav five? Have you not seen what fame mixed with substance abuse has done to Britney Spears? It turned her bipolar. Do you want that? You are flat broke! And you are toxic in Hollywood right now. Nobody will work with you. You are doing a photoshoot with fucking superheroes. You should be working with Scorsese and Spielberg! Do you get how jacked up you are? You got BANNED from the studios! Robert Downey Jr. did more drugs than a Pablo Escobar drug mule, ruined more movie productions and spent actual time in a maximum security prison and he still didn’t get blacklisted. Winona Ryder is a convicted felon and she’s still working, for godsakes! Get your shit together and stop disgracing the legacy of Mean Girls. Stay at home, buy a vibrator, hire a driver, lay off the self-tanner and get A! FUCKING! CLUE!

LL: I’m sorry… did you say “blow”? Do you have any? Cause I will totally have sex with you for some.

FADE OUT

Bangarang!

I’m rip roaring and raring to go on ‘0JAY8 like La Lohan on an extended weekend in Capri, so before a Celebritard does something so dissgrossting that I have to break my Lost Girls ban and dip into my bag of fake whore words to describe their actions (”whoreititude” being my current favs), let’s start launching some award bombs (be forwarned, this post is HUGE).

And away we go (Read the 2005 and 2006 YIF Awards post as a refresher to their awesomeness):

MOST OVERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Knocked Up – Universally loved by both sides of the Relationship Wars, personally loathed by this guy. As funny as it is to see Seth Rogen giggle like an idiot, smoke pot and heffalump all over that girl who used to be hot when she was on Roswell but now is a shrill harpy who’s about to banshee scream the awesome out of James Marsden in that exorable 27 Dresses abomination, I’d rather just watch the much better SSDD Judd Apatow manchild movie, The 40 Year-Old Virgin. Also, I liked it better when it was called Nine Months and it starred a far more charming bumbling idiot and a much better actress who was also slumming it in a lame romcom but still managed to show a modicum of gratitude for hit studio movie that launched her career, unlike some other wretched blonde yenta currently turning Grey’s Anatomy into a double-bloop fest. Yikes, this movie gives me the hatebumps. Apatow should have considered going to the Screenplay Smashmortion clinic and smashmortioning this twenty-minute too long unfunny fest like yesterday’s Spears bastard.

MOST UNDERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – Despite making nearly a gajillion dollars at the box office, I got the sense that most people considered this episode a toss-off. A hurdle they have to jump to get to the infinitely more awesome Half-Blood Prince and the revelatory Deathly Hallows. But let me learn you all an education, this may prove to be the most intelligent, well put-together flick of the bunch. Book Five was nearly unreadable. Two hundred pages too long, full of lame, angsty teen balderdash and an anti-climactic finale that didn’t advance the story enough to warrant the preceding 700 pages (we all knew Harry wasn’t gonna get to keep Sirius, the whole point of the series is that he stands alone). Too my surprise, I found the movie adaptation positively mesmerizing. From the totes sweet over the shoulder shaky dolly when Harry and Dudley are running from the storm, to the dark tunnel Dementor fight where Harry wielded his Patronus like some mighty Jedi. From the crazy evil child torture scenes to the ku-reep-E Brooks Brothers-clad Voldemort on the train platform fever dream. And that’s before I get to the wrenching “LOOK AT ME!” scene. This film was playing to win the game. They didn’t think it was a damn exhibition. I must not tell lies dear readers, The Order of the Phoenix pwned hard.

Hairspray – I genuinely don’t care about musicals and I’m even more indifferent to John Waters, so imagine my surprise when I popped in the DVD and found myself bopping my head like I was the Kattan Roxbury jagoff for two straight hours (him? you? me? me? no? heh?). Full of infectious energy and crazy slick choreography, I had a blast with this movie. I dug Travolta so much I even forgave him for Wild Hogs. But it was a tough decision. I mean he does wear a bandana through that pile of shite. A bandana. Seriously. On his head. For two hours. And it was intentional.

WORST ACTRESS IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE

Kirsten Dunst, Spider-Man 3 – Tobey Maguire dyed his hair black, grew knock-off Petrelli-bangs and emo-Manero’d down the street in the most regoddamndiculously stupid sequence in blockbuster movie history and it was STILL not the worst musical number in the flick. That goes to Kristen Vampire Teeth McFlatboobs Dunst, who whilst singing in a play where she was the lead managed to sound like monkey shite even though she wasn’t actually doing the singing. Her performance was so terrible that the audience I saw the movie with actually applauded when Tobey decked her in that SECOND so so bad Dunst musical number. It was the one time in the movie where everyone got what they wanted: a scene where Tobey wasn’t weeping like a wee little girl and five fingers saying SLAP to the former Rancho Carne Cheer Captain who would NOT stop singing in the action-packed Comic Book movie.

WORST ACTOR IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE

Tobey Maguire, Spider-Man 3 - Did I mention he cries through most of the movie and gay dances like Travolta in Staying Alive for the rest of it? Also, that he sucks? Oh I did? Good. I didn’t want to forget mentioning that he sucks.

WORST EXPERIENCE IN A MOVIE THEATER

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End - Not because of the actual movie, which was slightly better than Dead Man’s Chest, owing mainly to the Godzilla on Tokyo levels of kick ass rampage that is Chow Yun Fat, Keira Knightley in Asian Pirate fetish wear and Orlando Bloom getting dead, but because of how unbelievably long the movie was in relation to how much I had to pee. I was in the center row center seat of a sold out 400 seat theater and had to go pretty hard starting in minute 17. It was not pleasant. Here was a brief summary of events.

17:00 - Damn, gotta yazzer. I think can hold it, it doesn’t seem too bad.

24:00 - Maybe loosen the belt loop up one.

32:00 - Might be wrong about this. . .

46:00 - Shifty.

58:00 - Crap all, there’s ninety more minutes left!! How much more “Yargh-ing” can they do?

1:05:00 - Yayayayayayayayayay.

1:17:00 - If I hold my junk any more people are gonna think I’m actually enjoying the movie. Must be strong.

1:29:00 - And there goes the belt and top button.

1:46:00 - Starting to get numb.

1:53:00 - Slouchy slouchy, calm the belly.

2:06:00 - JUST FUCKING END ALREADY!!!!! Awesome effects and all, but can we just kill the Bloom already so I can save my kidneys?

2:15:00 - And my pants are officially off.

2:36:00 - Thank Jeebus it’s over. I survived. Eye of the Tiger saved me again!

2:45:00 - I will RAIN FIRE on you Valley bitches if you don’t leave the theater FUCKING FASTER!

2:49:00 - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

2:53:00 - Wait. Waitwait. Ye… wha… more… AHHHHHHH!

2:56:00 - Jimmy Dugan ain’t got nuthin on me!

THE TAINTED MEMORIES AWARD A.K.A. WORST SEQUEL OF THE YEAR

Live Free or Die Hard - Psych! Trick award, fools. This movie ruled! I was skeptical. I thought it would be a whole bunch of man ass. But it turned out to be a whole bunch of man awesome (yeah, that just happened). I was cool with bald McClane. I was cool with him Supermannig the fighter jet. I was cool with villainous plot. I was SuperCool with Mary Elizabeth Winstead. And I was Super-Sized cool with Maggie Q. Hell, I was even straight with Mac Guy Sidekick (which bodes well for Villa De La Beouf in Indy 4). I missed a Hans-level bad guy and I hated John not dropping F-bombs everywhere, but kids, it could have been A LOT worse.

MOST UNFORTUNATE THIRD ACT FLOP OF THE YEAR

I Am Legend - So how come the Fresh Prince left his interesting character study to walk onto the set of a bad Sci-Fi network zombie flick? Did the producers refuse to let him drop a “Ah, hell no!”? Were they blocking him from getting jiggy with it? These are things we need to know!

MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIE OF THE YEAR

TMNT - Sarah Michelle Gellar should never be prominently involved with ANYTHING from my childhood ever again. I swear to Xenu I will burn my Buffy box set if she even blinks in the direction of Cheetarah and the Thundercats. Dude, I miss Ninja Rap. (Go ninja! Go ninja! Go!)

EIGHTH SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE A.K.A MOST SURPRISING PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR

Ben Affleck, Director, Gone Baby Gone - A subtle, powerful, beautifully photographed debut from the man who was the bomb in Phantoms, yo! I never had my doubts that he’d be a good movie director, but I never imagined he’d be that good. Wisely letting Ed Harris chew the scenery like they were yesterday’s egg bagels. Shooting close-ups all over the preternaturally pretty Michelle Monaghan. The brilliant credits sequence that established the reality of the Boston streets better than Mystic River could even dream of. Not to mention pulling an Oscar-worthy performance out of Amy Ryan. And that’s before talking about Morgan Freeman’s nuanced work and Casey Affleck’s surprise work as a commanding leading man. I’d love to have The Fleck in front of camera again, but I just may want him to stay behind it, more.

WEIRDEST MOVIE COUPLE OF THE YEAR

Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts, Charlie Wilson’s War - There’s just something inherently creepy watching the Pretty Woman grab Forrest Gump’s ass. And something totally gross seeing Erin Brockovich and the voice of Woody, post-coital. I usually love seeing mega-stars onscreen together. But in this case I just wanted it to go away so I could see Phillip Seymour Hoffman cuss some more.

THE JOHN TRAVOLTA AWARD FOR ONE TIME BIG NAMED ACTOR WHO IS SOOOO OVER!

Anthony Hopkins - He’s now repeating himself worse than Tommy Lee Jones, and I’m pretty sure Tommy Lee Jones was actually credited as playing “Tommy Lee Jones” in that last Paul Haggis travesty. Ryan Gosling blew him off the screen in Fracture. It wasn’t even close. The Washington Generals put up more of a fight than Hopkins did. And with Anton Chigurh taking Hannibal’s mantle of most awesome screen villain we secretly love, what does Hopkins have to play for? Time to pack it in and start considering begging Aaron Sorkin to do a Welsh version of The West Wing.

THE “YES, YES YOU’RE BOTH HOT, NOW SHUT UP AND GO AWAY” AWARD

Tie - Jessica Alba and Scarlet Johansson - I was thinking about this the other day while I was checking Alba off the list of girls I am attracted to (The Jay does not date girls with baggage. And by “baggage” I mean “intentional career-boosting celeb babies fathered by doofy civilians”), when was the last time either girl gave pop culture anything worthwhile beyond an occasional sex-A magazine photo spread? Match Point belonged to Woody Allen. And The Prestige was about Bale and Jackman. Lost in Translation was nearly five years ago. As for Alba, she was the worst thing about a bad FF sequel. She did a Dane Cook movie this year. Which, hello, pretty much forces me to stricken from the record her bra and panties work in Idle Hands. And she refused to go topless playing a stripper in a graphic novel adaptation. In my boy mind, they are both dead to me until one of them drops an intentional nipple in an indie flick or I get more from them than lame-ass Paul Walker action flicks and sub par Woody Allen movies.

THE “WHO CARES?” AWARD FOR THE MOVIE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WANTED TO SEE

Rush Hour 3 - Did anyone in the world need more of this nonsense? Did anyone in the world even notice than Chris Tucker dropped off the face of the Earth? Does anyone in the world really care about the words coming out of their mouths?

THE OFFICIAL “JANEANE GAROFALO PLEASE FIRE YOUR AGENT RIGHT NOW, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, PLEASE STOP SAYING YES TO EVERY SINGLE MOVIE OFFER YOU GET” AWARD

Nicolas Cage - I’ve already written at length about the CageMatch this year, so I’ll keep this brief. Nic should only make really absurd indie movies and National Treasure sequels. Any time someone asks him to play anyone with long hair, superpowers, a dysfunctional family not played for laughs, or a guy that has to say the words “Why’d it get burned?”, he should run the other way. Fast. Fast enough to rip his toupee off.

THE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT AWARD FOR BEING THERE AND HAVING DONE THAT

The Heartbreak Kid - Yes yes, we get it Ben Stiller, you are neurotic and awkward with insanely hot, out of your league girls. Stop complaining about having to bang a batshit crazy Malin Akerman before you turn into the Simian-looking older man version of Zach Braff. And as for the Farrelly Brothers, unless Matt Damon has a mortgage payment and agrees to a Stuck On You sequel, ya’ll can STFU and put down the movie camera. Gross out comedies haven’t been popular since Jason Biggs. And Jason Biggs was never popular.

BEST INTERSPECIES EROTICA SCENE

Phillip Seymour Hoffman doggstyling Marissa Tomei, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead - More on this in a moment…

BEST EXCUSE TO WILLINGLY HAND OVER TEN DOLLARS

Tie - Keri Russell in Waitress and Megan Fox in Transformers - My number one celebrity crush (despite having a half civilian half celebrity baby… a celivibaby?), was beyond reason fantastic playing a small town pie maker. I could watch her whisk chocolate for eight life times. And I could listen to her banter with Nathan Fillion in that wonderfully lyrical cadence until I ruined the spindles on my ears like a ten year old VHS player.

And as for Megan Fox, um, well, look at her:

BEST USE OF GRATUITOUS (BUT COMPLETELY LAUDED BY EVERY GEEK ON THE INTERNET) NUDITY BY A BIG NAME ACTRESS THAT EVERY MALE UNDER FORTY HAS BEEN DYING TO SEE NAKED

Marissa Tomei, Before the Devil Knows Your Dead - She was always a hottie, but never in that “I MUST see her nipples immediately” kind of way. She was more sultry sexy. Jersey sexy. The kind of sexy where we dug seeing her in purple lycra showing how her biological clock is “ticking like this” or sweetly falling for Christian Slater and his untamed pig heart, but never where we would drive twenty miles out of our way on the rumor that she went topless in a Gothic Southern flick directed by Sam Raimi. So how were we to know how utterly delicious she looked without her clothes on? And after all these years, even! Her body was so smokin hot its mere presence negated the retina-searing image PSH throw his freckled ass all over the medium shot. Hell, it might be the only acceptable reason to ever see PSH’s ass. Lemme put it this way… Marissa Tomei in Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead was eight Megan Fox’s hotter than Diane Lane in Unfaithful. True Story.

BEST REASON TO HAVE YOUR OWN POP CULTURE SITE TO MAKE FUN OF STUFF

Getting to drop the post title “Alvin and the Shitmunks” and make my mom laugh at it.

THE 2007 FILM I WILL NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE SEE. EVER.

P.S. I Love You - Which I believe I’ve already covered.

MY FAVORITE MOVIE POSTERS OF THE YEAR

THE JAY’S PICKS FOR THE BEST “B” MOVIES OF 2007

Let’s drop some math to explain these:

1. Shooter - Marky Mark + Smart Action x Kate Mara in a see-thru shirt = The Very Definition of Awesome Sunday Afternoon TNT New Classic.

2. Superbad - “Fellashe” + The Jay = Overused movie quote of the year.

3. Ocean’s Thirteen - George Clooney’s Stache / No Julia Roberts x Matt Damon’s Nose - Don Cheadle in an Evel Knievel costume = Crap in a can, that threequel rocked!

4. Balls of Fury - Maggie Q in booty shorts + Christopher Walken imitating Christopher Walken = A missed opportunity for greatness, but thanks all the same for giving Jason Scott Lee some work.

5. Shoot Em Up - Clive Owen with guns + Monica Bellucci with tits + Paul Giamatti with villainy = Geek Splooge.

THE FIVE WORST PIECES OF CRAP I SAW IN 2007

1. Spider-Man 3.
2. Vacancy
3. The Reaping
4. Ghost Rider
5. License To Wed

And finally…

THE JAY’S TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2007

1. Atonement
2. No Country For Old Men
3. The Bourne Ultimatum
4. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
5. Waitress
6. Juno
7. The Darjeeling Limited
8. Gone Baby Gone
9. Hairspray
10. There Will Be Blood

Bangarang!

Bangarang!