Bangarang!
Celebritards
Ben Affleck Is NOT A Tool, And I Can Prove It!
This is the fourth definition listed in the Urban Dictionary under the term “tool”:
“A person, typically male, who says or does things that cause you to give them a ‘what-are-you-even-doing- here’ look. The ‘what-are-you-even-doing- here’ look is classified by a glare in the tool’s direction and is usually accompanied by muttering of how big of a tool they are. The tool is usually someone who is unwelcome but no one has the balls to tell them to get lost. The tool is always making comments that are out-of-place, out-of-line or just plain stupid. The tool is always trying too hard to fit in, and because of this, never will.?
Here is my definition of the term “tool”:
“Carson Daly”
Now, which of those definitions applies to Ben Affleck? I say neither.
People who watch Orlando Bloom act and find him to be bland have sufficient reason for feeling so. Fact is he’s bland; there is a void of charisma when he’s on screen. Low-minded people who think Keanu Reeves is a sucky actor could probably make a case that there have been a few bad performances in The One’s illustrious oeuvre (Dracula comes to mind). Britney detractors could form a solid argument on her lack of singing ability simply by having eyes, ears, taste and an aversion to Cheetos dust (the last one is harder than you’d think).
But where do people get off thinking Ben Affleck is a tool?
Is he the best actor in Hollywood? No, far from it (though he has gotten good reviews before, hello Changing Lanes). Has he been involved in a completely annoying celebrity couple? Absolutely, but Bennifer was no more or less intolerable than Brangelina, Vaughniston, TomKat or Nick and Jessica. Has he made way too much money starring in a slew of crappy movies? I think Forces of Nature, Surviving Christmas, Paycheck, Man About Town, Bounce, Reindeer Games and Pearl Harbor speak for themselves. But has he really done ANYTHING worthy of lumping him in with Carson Daly, K-Fed, Criss Angel and any white guy out on the town in a striped shirt? I aim to prove he hasn’t.
It’s a hard climb to the top of “Ben Affleck is NOT a tool” Mountain, so let me get the biggest obstacle out of the way right now: Gigli.
Picture this: You’re a well-known talent in Hollywood. A producer comes to you and says “Hey guy, I have a movie for you. It’s a love story between you and Jennifer Lopez where you get to make out with her on set and watch her do yoga in booty shorts. But you’re also a gangster, so you’re gritty and tough and get to rough people up. We got Al Pacino coming in to yell at you in a scene and be creepy. And we’re flying in Christopher Walken to do one of his patented loopy speeches while you writhe on the floor in pain cause he just shot you. It’ll be just like that awesome scene in True Romance. Marty Brest is directing. He’s done Beverly Hills Cop and Midnight Run, and he got Pacino his only Oscar. Also, we’re gonna pay you TEN MILLION DOLLARS!” What do you say to that? You’re saying hell yes!
So Gigli is not his fault. He’s looking a lot less tool-y now, isn’t he?
You can’t say he’s untalented. Despite what urban myths would say, he wrote an Academy Award-winning screenplay. That happened. He’s won several significant awards for acting. And his directorial debut, “Gone Baby Gone” is getting filthy good reviews. I saw it and thought it was light years better than Mystic River (mostly because at no point in the movie did anyone melodrama into the camera “IS DAT MY DADER IN DERE????”). So the only real reason you could call him a tool is because of his relationship with J. Lo. Take that way (and I’ll explain why you can in just a minute) and the only mark is a few bad movies. If making a few bad movies makes you a tool than you can slap that label on George Clooney (The Peacemaker), Matt Damon (The Legend of Bagger Vance), Johnny Depp (Secret Window), Jude Law (his entire 2004 slate), and pretty much any male actor who’s toplined a few movies in his career.
Fact is Ben Affleck gets a bad wrap because he’s a fun, funny guy who dated one wrong girl, made a few bad movies and was a bit too omnipresent a few years back. I say he’s also made a slew of great movies, always makes me laugh on SNL, learned from his mistakes and settled down away from the tabloids with a nice girl and is well-liked by all his peers. For that and the following forty reasons, I think it’s preposterous to call my boy Affleck a tool. Let me prove it to you…
35 Reasons Why Ben Affleck Is NOT A Tool
1. The man has a very good chick stock portfolio. He sold high on Gwyneth, broke even on J.Lo and picked up a very dependable Jen Garner IRA. And he was never tempted by a risky celebritard-IPO (Britney, Lindsay, Paris, Brittany Murphy).
2. Created Project Greenlight as a way to develop new filmmakers. Not his fault that the contest winners sucked balls and their movies polluted theaters and DVD shelves worse than Forces of Nature. Although Gulager was fun to watch in a rubbernecking traffic accident kind of way.
3. Nominated for a Golden Globe for his role as George Reeves in Hollywoodland. Won the Best Actor Award at the Venice Film Festival for the same performance. Not to mention getting rave reviews for his work in Changing Lanes, Shakespeare in Love, Chasing Amy and Smoking Aces. So you all can shove it with that “crappy actor” nonsense. Have you ever thought it might not be him, but instead be the movie, or the director? I swear, Ben could be Keanu’s spiritual cousin.
4. Unlike, some other fake sports bigamists (ahem, unfunny Dane Cook), Affleck is actually a TRUE fan of his favorite sports team (the Red Sox, if you didn’t know).
5. Gave us the chance to see Ed Harris and Morgan Freeman chew scenery together in Gone Baby Gone. Gotta love that.
6. He’s not nearly as skeezy or douchebaggery as Colin Farrell, a guy who’s made just as many awful movies as the Fleck (Hart’s War, Ask The Dust, Miami Vice, Alexander, American Outlaws).
7. More on the point of acting, a person’s relative talent level is fairly fact based. Either he’s good or he isn’t. But that has no relation to his relative tool level, which is entirely subjective. So he not being great in a couple of movies has no bearing on his perception of being a tool. I don’t judge Carson Daly’s toolishness on his Last Call monologue. I judge his toolery on his poser black fingernails, his manorexia, his goofball name, his propensity for dating idiots (hey Tara Reid!), and the fact that, you know, he’s a tool.
8. Can speak extemporaneously on a wide-range of topics, which makes him light years ahead of most of his Hollywood generation, and a good portion of our government officials. And by “a good portion”, I mean our President.
9. Gave his kid a relatively normal name (“Violet”). It could have been worse. His Chasing Amy co-star Jason Lee named his kid “Pilot Inspektor”. Hell, his ex named her kid “Apple”.
10. Brought his Mom to the Oscars when he won for Good Will Hunting. That’s class, kids, c’mon!
11. Made a tightly-constructed, soulful, gripping detective movie starring a group of fantastic actors and never once called attention to his personal baggage in the process. In other words, is not Bret Ratner.
12. Harrison Ford signed off on Affleck replacing him in the Jack Ryan series. If he’s good enough for Han Solo and Indiana Jones, he’s good enough for me.
13. Why is he a tool because his head and face are kinda simian-esque? McConaughey has T-rex arms. Damon has a fratboy pig nose. Brad Pitt is notoriously smelly. Orlando Bloom is a chick. Keanu is grody to the max. But Affleck is a tool because he has a square jaw? I don’t get it.
14. Even if he DOES wear a hairpiece, who cares? So have Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds, and Bruce Willis, and those guys rule.
15. Like Brad, Matt, George, Matthew or Jude was gonna pull off the animal crackers scene in Armageddon, any better? He had to drag crackers across Liv Tyler’s pudge and make it look sexy. That’s a Herculean task. Laurence Olivier would have been flummoxed. Cary Grant would have called in a stunt double.
16. Campaigns excessively for the Democratic Party, but never once comes off like a Baldwinian hypocrite-twit. Spends time at phone banks doing voter registration, makes speeches at rally’s and works to diminish lobby-influence on politicians. Said this about his own political aspirations: “My fantasy is that someday I’m independently wealthy enough that I’m not beholden to anybody, so I can run for Congress on the grounds that everyday people — be they singers or poets or bankers or lawyers or teachers — should be in government.” That’s honest activism I can get behind.
17. And is an actual TRUE activist, not to mention a good sport.
18. Morgan Freeman likes him (and he’s God!). That’s enough for me.
19. The man may not have the most range, but he can pull off a speech. A couple more You Tube-worthy monologues and he might just be our next Alec Baldwin.
20. Deflected most of the Bennifer hatred by immediately dropping off the tabloid circuit the minute he cut ties with La Lopez. Makes you wonder how much of the Bennifer nonsense was J.Lo’s fault, and not his. After all, do you EVER read Ben and Jen Garner pieces in Us Weekly? (see, I told you I had a good reason for eliminating this foible)
21. And now shows contrition for the hoopla surrounding that relationship and the negative impact it had on his acting career. Contrition! Would a true tool show contrition? I don’t see K. Fed apologizing for Britney. Or Carson Daly apologizing for himself.
22. This is from a report of Ben Affleck at the debut of his wife, Jennifer Garner, on Broadway with Cyrano De Bergerac: “Ben Affleck fought back tears of pride as he jumped to his feet to give his actress wife Jennifer Garner a standing ovation at the close of her official first night on Broadway recently.” The man loves his celebrity wife. How often is that true. Did K-Fed ever cry tears of pride when “Toxic” came on the radio? Does Chris Martin get teary when he watches Gwyneth be bitchy onscreen? Did Ryan Phillipe ever go ballistic in support when Reese would win an award? OK, that last one happened, but only because he was drunk. And is an idiot.
23. Is a great sport about people making fun of him. Example 1: The SNL Mango “Ben Whoffleck” sketch. Example 2: South Park’s skewering of Bennifer: “Taco flavored kisses for my Ben!”
24. Is an open and generous supporter of his homosexual cousin Jason, and has done work for the organization “Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays”. That puts him ahead of Kevin Spacey in my book.
25. Is considered one of the most loyal actors in Hollywood; why else would he agree to do Jersey Girl?
26. Speaking of, can laugh at his own limitations: Apple Sauce, BITCH!
27. His directorial debut was a short film titled “I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her On A Meat Hook, and Now I Have A Three-Picture Deal At Disney”. C’mon, that’s just awesome!
28. Was named People Magazine’s 2002 Sexiest Man Alive. George Clooney’s won twice. So have Brad Pitt and Richard Gere. McConaughey and Damon both have one win. So why is Affleck the tool in the bunch? They’ve all done their share of shitty movies and dated their share of questionable women. At least Affleck has the good grace to seem bemused by the whole thing.
29. His work as Big Bad Donnie Bartalotti in the Boston Teens sketches on SNL. (“I would never zap your lady. For serious, bro!”)
30. If you’ve never heard him do an audio commentary before, remedy that ASAP. He makes sitting through Pearl Harbor a breeze. I particularly like his commentaries for Chasing Amy (“I put on a clinic and my skills are free.”) and Mallrats.
31. Sure he’s made some shitty movies, but hell, it’s not like he’s Nicolas Cage!
32. Just to insure that his stint in rehab for alcoholism would stick, Affleck had legendary abuser Charlie “Ma” Sheen drive him to rehab. The MaSheen behind the wheel would get me to quit drinking, let me tell you. Moreover, has not publicly relapsed like some other celebrities we know and love (ahem, Lindsay). (btw, can you imagine the stories MaSheen must have told him to help him quit drinking. I quote John Turturro from Mr. Deeds: “The hideousness of [MaSheen] will haunt my dreams forever”.)
33. Has realized his time as a bankable leading man have passed him, and wisely decided to do smaller roles in cool ensemble films. Affleck is much more tolerable and likeable in small doses. And with a handlebar mustache (see Aces, Smoking).
34. Started supporting the non-profit organization A-T Childrens Project after he befriended Joe Kindregan, a wheelchair-bound child diagnosed with ataxia-telangiectasia, a rare genetic disease that causes neurological deterioration. Goes above and beyond to improve Joe’s quality of life, including paying for medical bills, taking him to premieres, and sending his family on vacations. Affleck even lobbied Congress for increased research funding. We call Tom Cruise a hero for changing some schmoe’s tire. Affleck is changing this kid’s life. Let’s show some respect.
35. You gotta admit that, regardless of everything else, he was the bomb in Phantoms, yo!
Bangarang!
(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)
“Ride it, Lick it, Snort it, F-ck it!” And Other Celebrity Mottos
I love me a good motto. I love mottos even better when I can steal them from pop culture. Whether it’s Nicolas Cage’s “B.A.D. – Balls Attitude Direction” from Kiss of Death, “A.A. – Attitude Adjustment” from Rad, or my personal favorite “F.U.B.A.R.” from Tango and Cash, I like to yoink them all for my own personal abbreviated vocabulary. And I’m always on the lookout for a new one; which is why I was only too happy to see Britney Spears recently get in on the motto act.
In one her recent trips to court (for her kids, or her hit n’ runs, or her drug problems, or her communism or whatever), she inexplicably walked up to a reporter and yelled out “Ride, Lick it, Snort it, Fuck it!” and walked away. Now we could go on ad nauseum aover what possessed her to take focus away from her losing custody battle, her possibly getting her license suspended, her maybe getting jail time (which she probably should do at some point), to serve up some juicy grist for her trashy celebritard mill. But we’re not going to. Least of all because I promised not too, but mainly because, who cares? She’s retarded. And not in the mentally handicapped way, I mean she’s an idiot. You can’t put logic or reason behind the actions of an idiot. She dated Criss Angel, for chrissakes, how can we take anything she does seriously? We can’t. But what can do is laud her for awesome motto construction.
Those four words perfectly encapsulate her every waking moment, thereby making the motto a spot on phrase for the way she should live her life. For just one moment, she might have been the most clear, prescient celebrity in a three block radius (assuming Hasselhoff wasn’t around the corner getting drunk and spilling his Whopper Jr. everywhere.). If more celebrities took the time to create a motto about their particular brand of celebridom, it would go a long way to making us like them more. Not that that’s actually going to happen.
Since Britney (bitch!) is the only celebrity with the crazy stones to break themselves down motto-listically, I’ve taken the time to come up with some choice abbreviations for some of the biggest names in Hollywood. With any luck, they’ll be coked out of their minds at the county courthouse one day soon, yelling out the motto I created for them, and then retreating back inside to have their life ripped apart while they worry about when they’ll next get the chance to hit up Taco Bell. An internet humorist can dream…
Other Celebrity Motto’s (in Britney-specific format)
Lindsay Lohan: Drink it, Drug it, Rehab it, Repeat it!
Mel Gibson: Slur it, Jew it, Blame it, Sugartit it!
Tom Cruise: Ensnare it, Contract it, Publicize it, Fake it!
Angelina Jolie: Act it, Homewreck it, Adopt it, Pouty-Lip it!
Bruce Willis: Yippe it, Kay it, Yay it, Motherfucker it!
Keanu Reeves: Whoa it, whoa it, WHOA it, Whoa it?
Orlando Bloom: Act it, Bland it, Bore it, Snore it!
Jennifer Aniston: Oprah it, Vanity Fair it, People it, Milk it!
Ben Affleck: Date it, Act it, Fail it, Direct it!
Kiefer Sutherland: Scream it, Torture it, DUI it, Christmas Tree-Jump it!
David Hasselhoff: Hassel it, Hoff it, Drunk it, Record it!
Nicole Kidman: Curly it, Straighten it, Botox it, Shrill it!
Will Ferrell: Naked it, Baby Jesus it, Cowbell it, Burgundy Done it!
Michael Douglas: Lift it, Tuck it, Botox it, Zeta-Jones it!
Neil Patrick Harris: NPH it, Legen it, Wait it, DAIRY it!
Matthew McConaughey: Crunch it, Tan it, Lance it, Gylleenhall it!
Kiera Knightley: Lemonface it, Lionface it, Bitter Beer Face it, Bitch Face it!
Morgan Freeman: Narrate it, Gravitas it, Charisma it, God it!
Jennifer Lopez: Act it, Sing it, Spanish it, No One Likes it!
Scarlet Johansson: Lip It, Cleavage It, Blonde It, Is That It?
Bangarang!
Honoring 9/11 TheJay.com Way: By Making Fun Of Celebrities!
Better words will come from better writers today, and as such, I will not attempt to editorialize on the impact of 9/11 nor its unending societal reach six years later. I am not a newsman or a pundit, I’m not a D.C. blogger nor a member of a political party. I lost no one in 9/11 and I know very few people that were even remotely affected by the tragedy.
The biggest connection I have to the event is that 9/11 just so happens to be both my father’s and my best friend’s birthday. I don’t go out of my way to have a conversation about politics or world events, and I readily avoid discourse on President Bush. In short, I am exceedingly apathetic both towards the state of the nation, and my need to enact change in the world. I just don’t care all that much about politics.
But in an effort to honor the enormity of the day, I will write what it is I am good at writing about. And that would be sarcastically making fun of celebrities! We’re kicking it obvious style today by doing a star roll call and taking a big old clichéd swipe at each one of them. No subtext, no cleverness, no subtle creative genius, just blatant stereotypical jabs at the public personas of all the celebs who grace those wonderfully patriotic tabloid rags.
I can’t think of a better way for me to memorialize this sad day in American History than by calling Britney Spears a paunchy trainwreck with zero vocal talent (Gimme More!). Let’s start the blatant “honoring”…
Ben Affleck – Was the bomb in Phantoms, yo!
Jack Black – He’s so zany! Can you believe how zany he was in King Kong? I couldn’t get over all the zaniness! This is a tribute.
Orlando Bloom – Bland as an episode of Seventh Heaven. And with the same acting range, too! Moted, Will Turner! Moted.
Nicolas Cage – Hit or miss. Also, totally cooky! Love his choice of women (Michael Jackson’s ex, Alabama Worley, that Asian chick who waited on him at Sushi Roku).
George Clooney – Likes to bang hot chicks. Oooh! Consider yourself pwned, Danny Ocean!
Dane Cook – IS. NOT. FUNNY. For reals, yo!
Russell Crowe – Uh oh! Russell’s on the rag again, watch out for flying Black Berry’s. Zing!
Tom Cruise – Short. (Other jabs redacted for fear of litigation.)
John Cusack – Ah man, so edgy and cool! He’s like the personification of indie cred. Also he totally ruled in Con Air.
Matt Damon – MATT DAMON!
Colin Farrell – Kind of a manwho-er.
Richard Gere – It’s a myth, people! Suck it hard, urban legends! (But yeah, it totally happened! I know a guy who has a sister who dated this dude who used to buy weed from this drug dealer who knows a lab tech that sleeps with the nurse who blows the doctor who actually performed the surgery. You can’t buy that kind of intel!)
Mel Gibson – Jews are bad! Rawr!
Ryan Gosling – He’s intense. Grrr!
Paris Hilton – Talentless! Herpesfull!
Samuel L. Jackson – Why does he always say “motherfucker” in his shitty studio movies? That muthafucka crazy!
Scarlet Johansson – If you’re gay, you’re allowed to grab her boobs. Start tossing some salad, gentlemen!
Angelina Jolie – She used to be all gothy weird, but hot. Now she’s all momerific and philanthropic, but hot. Upgrade!
Tommy Lee Jones – Craggly!
Nicole Kidman – Was much cooler when she had the wall of red hair. Bring back the red wall, Ice Queen!
Diane Lane – She’s hot…wait for the qualifier…wait for it… for an older chick. Ka-BOOM!
J. Lo – Her butt is really big! Have you noticed that? Taco flavor kisses for her Ben!
Lindsay Lohan – Does a lot of drugs, rocks the ginger pubes. In your face, Parent Trap!
Alyssa Milano – Has hairy forearms!
The Olsen Twins – Food is overrated! Space alien faces are underrated!
Keanu Reeves – He’s dumb, but makes great movies. Whoa!
Winona Ryder – She steals stuff! Sacre bleu, Heathers!
Charlie Sheen – Yay for hookers and blow!
Will Smith – Has big ears. Aw, hell no!
Ben Stiller – Looks like an ape! Is quite neurotic in a diminishing comedic returns kind of way. Do it! No no, DO IT!
Hilary Swank – Big teeth. Might be a dude. Encourages Paul Haggis. Ditched her beard when she won her second Oscar. Used to be Steve Sanders’ plaything. Excellent credentials… for me to poop on! (that joke courtesy of Late Night with Conan O’Brien. Thanks for the solid, NBC!)
Donald Trump – His hair is weird! You’re fired! Who-damn that’s topical!!!!1!!
Vince Vaughn – HahahahaROTFLMAO! He’s so funny with all the fast talking and the jerkiness! I ignore his expanding belly, receding hairline and Gucci luggage-sized bags under his eyes to appreciate his ribald humor and his nailing of Jennifer Aniston on screen. What a pretty slash funny couple they make. Golly jee!
Reese Witherspoon – Perky and not at all a total bitch. Snapadoo, Elle Woods!
Renee Zellweger – Her face is so scrunchy! Why is her face so scrunchy? Someone tell her to layoff those Lemon Bitch shots. Hiyo! What what?
God Bless Celebrities. And God Bless America!
(Seriously on that second one.)
Bangarang!
Lost Girls
It’s just not funny anymore. And I’m sick of it.
I follow dumb celebrity behavior so closely that oftentimes I can’t see the forest for the celebritards. I begin to assume that the whole of Hollywood is caught up in the basest of actions, lowest of morals, and heights of ineptitude, both mentally and physically. I am now immune to obnoxious socialites, inane quotes, patronizing interviews, and dumbed-down entertainment. I have begun to hate the thing that I love.
But then I remember that that’s not the case. Sure, not everyone in Hollywood is a Rhode Scholar, but surely not everyone is an idiot, either (hell, Geena Davis is in Mensa and Dolph Lundgren has a PhD from M.I.T.!). I remember that some people still care about the craft of acting, the craft of filmmaking, and the craft of being a respectable human being. Most of all, I remember that the reason I feel this way is not due to the majority, it’s due to three people.
Britney, Paris and Lindsay.
The bad apples, the flat beer, the assy chicken McNuggets, or whatever bad food analogy you want to use, those three girls are the reason I hate Hollywood right now. It’s just them. And their inability to keep their crazy in check. Their remarkable way, and I do mean remarkable, to continually find new ways to screw up. To destroy lives others would kill for. To piss on their god given talent (for the one that actually has some). To hate themselves, so wholly and so publicly.
We used to just joke about it and let it slide. “Oh, there goes Paris driving drunk again! What a spoiled little girl! Another scary, yet hilarious, cry for help from Britney! Let’s ignore her and instead post pictures of her fatty thighs. BURN!” But you know what? It’s just not funny anymore. And it has got to stop.
If Lindsay Lohan was an athlete, they would have kicked her out of the league two seasons ago. If Paris were a student at a University she’d have been on double secret probation since the last millennium. If Britney were just an average girl, she’d be tragic. Even more so than she is now. But society would have taken care of the problem. Society would have treated the problem with respect. Society would not have put these lost girls back into harm’s way. And we should all be ashamed of ourselves that haven’t followed suit.
Every photographer that sells pictures of these girls coming out of clubs is contributing to their downfall. Every tabloid that popularizes them, while at the same time exploiting them, is contributing to the breakdown of their mental health. And every producer, executive or company that employs them is contributing to their never-ending means of acquiring that which destroys them.
Lindsay Lohan was arrested yesterday for drunk driving, possession of cocaine, and for chasing down her assistant who had resigned because she couldn’t handle Lindsay’s crazy lifestyle. This, while she was wearing an alcohol monitoring device put on after her last drunk driving and cocaine possession arrest earlier this year. And let’s not forget, she’s fresh out of her second stint in rehab since the Super Bowl.
Britney has been having a breakdown of Anna Nicole-like proportions since her divorce last fall, and she’s a mother of two. She’s shaved her head, been to rehab no less than 7 times, posted countless insane messages on her website, partied every night, flashed her vag and her tits, disowned her mother, ignored her children, dressed like a crazy person, and generally looks like more of a scumbag than her scumbag ex-husband. And again, she’s a 26 year-old mother of two.
And Paris, well… she’s Paris. She was back in the clubs twelve hours after getting out of jail. And she went on a vacation to Hawaii while on probation (a crazy big no no).
What do these girls need to do to get the help they so desperately need? Rehab is a joke to them. The justice system favors their celebrity and throws leniency at them to the point where the girl’s don’t see consequence to their actions (it took five driving mishaps before Paris saw jail time. I’d have been in jail after the second one.). Their friends and family are obviously no help. And the blog community reveres them because their wacky shenanigans drive up traffic (I know I’ve reaped the benefit of their misfortune). So where’s the recourse for their actions? Where can they go? Who will step up?
This goes beyond preferential treatment. People make mistakes and are forgiven. Hollywood loves to embrace those seeking redemption, provided they are worth the effort. If Lindsay didn’t show enormous potential, she’d have dropped off the face of the earth years ago. Just ask Jodie Sweeten, she’ll tell you what it’s like to be on the other side. But we’ve flown far past letting these girls off the hook in the service of marketable or worthwhile talent. Whatever abilities Lindsay has are negated by her reputation and public perception. I will never again buy her as an ingénue, as a professional or even as an innocent, likeable girl. Those parts are gone for her. And I don’t even buy her as the stripper she plays in her new movie. And why would I? I’ve seen her do worse a dozen times. I know the person she truly is because she’s fucked up so egregiously so many times that we are unable to ignore it.
I can watch Bruce Willis drunkenly curse at a basketball game and not think less of him. I can watch Victoria Beckham try to be funny and accessible on her reality show and not think poorly of her (case in point: she’s a celebritard who takes care of her kids, never gets arrested for drugs or alcohol and seems to be in a loving, stable relationship. That’s how you do celebridom!). I can even look at people like Matthew Broderick who killed a person with his car, or Halle Berry who performed a hit and run, or Winona Ryder who so famously shoplifted, and not decry their existence or continued career. They made mistakes, they apologized, they didn’t let that part of their behavior continue. They never glorified in their malfeasance. Paris and Lindsay seem to revel in their ability to do harm and get away with it. They seem to enjoy being this character they play (though I think the idea of them playing characters and it not being their true personality has long since been abandoned).
I’m just sick and tired of awarding popularity to these stupid girls. And I refuse to endure it any longer. If one of those girls was a friend of mine I would not being laughing at them, or pumping them up. One of my three best friends is a functioning alcoholic. She used to like to stay relatively sober for most of the year, than go completely balls out of her mind during the summers. She called it “her time to drink”. And I had to watch her destroy herself every time it got warm outside. One summer I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired of the bad behavior, tired of holding her hair back while she puked on her lawn, tired of walking in on her hooking up with some sleezy dude (on my bed!), and just tired of her being an all-around shitty friend. So I told her I was done; that when she decided to clean her shit up, she could come find me. And I walked away. It was the only way I could get through to her how much I felt her actions were hurting her. And we didn’t speak for a long while. Eventually she called and apologized, promised not to hit the drink so hard. And I forgave her.
That is until the behavior returned. And I promptly disowned her. I wasn’t going to show her that I tolerated her actions. We stopped being friends for more than a year. It was sad and lonely and awful. I missed my bestfriend. But she cared more about destroying herself than about herself or our friendship and I can’t abide by that. One day many moons later she was in town, we hung out, and it was nice. She was her old self again. She was in school. She had direction and purpose. She was past her recklessness. She was my friend again. If my cutting her out of my life helped in any way to prompt her life change, than it was worth it. Now we are as close as ever, and I even take her to wine tastings every now and again!
I hope these three famous lost girls have someone in their life that will treat them the same way. I hope they have something to push for and look forward to when they finally turn it all around. I hope one day they look back and are disgusted by how they acted. I hope they apologize for taking away the potential we saw in them, and for degrading the opportunity we afforded them.
I’ve past the point where I find this funny, so I’m not longer gonna allow it on this website. From this point forward I will no longer be writing about Britney Spears, Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan unless it specifically relates to their acting or singing work. I won’t make fun of their partying, their drug use, their alcohol dependency, their clothing (or lack thereof), their boytoys, their obvious insanity or anything else that is tragic about them. I’m just not going to do it. That’s my contribution to their recovery. It’s my contribution to the recovery of the belief that Hollywood has good people living and working within it. That all actors aren’t sad, drugged-up, party-whore burnouts.
My contribution to the hope that future generations of Celebritards learn that this type of attitude and behavior is, as Paris stated in her Barbara Walters interview, “no longer cute”. And to the hope that I never have to turn my humor website into a soapbox like this, ever again. I like to have fun and make fun here, and nothing about this story, or any of the hundreds of similar stories that have come out about these girls, is funny anymore.
Please check out this clip of Craig Ferguson talking about his feelings on the February Britney Spears head shaving trainwreck. I agree with what he says 100%, and it was this speech that prompted my questioning of how I write about celebrities, and the effect those choices have on me.
Bangarang!
If Celebrities Were Transformers
In many ways celebrities are exactly like Transformers. They may walk through the day in their “civilian” form, but when the time comes they transform into all manner of characters (doctors, lawyers, cowboys, the pervert from Happiness played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman; which should not be confused with the pervert he played in Boogie Nights. Or Capote.). Their livelihood is predicated on the audience believing their transformation. And their ability to do so convincingly is what makes us love them. This is why the success of Michael Bay’s Transformers is not at all surprising. Audiences want to see transformation, whether in celebrity or robot form (it also helps that in robot form they blow a bunch of shit up and fight each other. Also, long lingering shots of Megan Fox’s abs doesn’t hurt.). We want to watch an epic spectacle of people overcoming obstacles, growing up in the face of adversity, finding love, becoming better people, and long lingering shots of Megan Fox’s abs. Transformers has all of those things, plus occasionally big fucking robots fight each other.
Watching the flick got me thinking about what I’d want to transform into. I doubt I’d pick a vehicle, just because I’m not that big a fan of cars, I have no interest to be around other cars (especially on a LA freeway), and I’m not exactly practical should the need arise to transform into my robot self and I got a car full of people (unless I wanted to crush the hell out of them, but then I’d have blood all over my paint job and that’s not cool. You cannot get blood off of leather, I’ve tried.). I’d rather be something cool like the Decepticon who transforms into the CD player. I’m completely invisible in a room, I don’t call attention to myself, I can choose not to play country music and when I want to do some nefarious shit, no one suspects the dinky Sony with the broken six-disc changer to transform into this bad ass little robot that can hack the planet Zero Cool-style. Or maybe I’d just transform into Dakota Fanning, so not only would I be a well-respected young actor with limitless potential, but I’d also be an infamous, exceedingly lethal Master Assassin. Also I’d be blonde, and that looks like fun.
Whenever I pull a J.D. from Scrubs and start daydreaming absurdist pop culture scenarios (like really, where would I hide all my body hair if I transformed into Dakota Fanning? Precocious child stars do not look like tiny manscaped clones of Robin Williams.), I like to extend my imagination into the realm of celebrity. As soon as I started picturing myself becoming the tiny star of Uptown Girls, I was flooded with thoughts about what celebrities might transform into, besides the characters they play on-screen.
Here’s what I came up with (categorized in proper Tranformers good vs. evil groups):
The Celebrity Autobots
- Owen Wilson transforms into a majestic Butterscotch Stallion.
- Matthew McConaughey transforms into a pair of smelly, well-worn board shorts.
- John Travolta transforms into a sexually ambiguous 747 with unreasonably thick hair and no ability to recognize quality screenplays.
- Paul Walker transforms into a less talented Keanu Reeves.
- Keanu Reeves transforms into Dr. Lancelot Ware, founder of Mensa.
- Nicole Kidman transforms into a smooth, contoured block of ice (but can still perform as a kick ass Moulin Rouge hooker, should the need arise).
- Jack Black transforms into the McDonald’s Grimace (and as we know, nothing can kill the Grimace).
- George Clooney transforms into a bulk-size tin of Dapper Dan Pomade (he doesn’t want Fop, he wants Dapper Dan. He’s a Dapper Dan man!).
- Demi Moore doesn’t transform as she’s always in her altered form, that of the Mighty Cougar.
- Julia Roberts transforms into a king-size box of Peppermint Chiclets.
- Sam Jackson transforms into an F-Bomb.
The Celebrity Decepticons
- Tom Cruise transforms into an anti-depressant (irony!).
- Lindsay Lohan transforms into a bottomless glass Red Bull & Vodka.
- Paris Hilton transforms right back into Paris Hilton (why would a Decepticon of her power and magnitude have a need to transform into anything else?).
- George Lucas transforms into an Avid Bay capable of malevolently manipulating your favorite movie scenes of all-time.
- Mel Gibson transforms into a giant, luscious pair of sugartits (that just so happen to hate Jews).
- Orlando Bloom transforms into a bowl of bland brown rice.
- Pamela Anderson transforms into a hyper-virulent strain of Herpes Simplex B.
- Sharon Stone transforms into Sharon Stone circa 1989.
- Steven Seagal transforms into a beached whale. Wait, strike that, he just looks like he transformed into a beached whale. My mistake.
- Dane Cook transforms into a bad joke.
Bangarang!
(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)
Discarded Excuses For Britney’s Crazy Umbrella Attack
It’s one thing when a celebrity releases a poor excuse for unruly behavior directly after the incident. People are asking questions and publicists want to give them white-washed answers. Often times those answers are stupid and nonsensical, written to cling to some inane image of purity. Those excuses are lame, they know and we know it, but we let it go because it is what it is. Hell, the real excuse almost 100% of the time is that they were drunk or high. And I still maintain that just saying that would be enough; it would be more relatable and forgiven then any fake excuse ever could.
But it’s quite another thing when a celebrity inexplicably comments on an incident that happened weeks or months ago, and gives an even stupider excuse for their actions. That’s just TomKat levels of publicity mismanagement. Yesterday, Britney Spears wrote a message on her website responding to the incident earlier this year where she attacked a paparazzo’s car with an umbrella. She never said anything at the time, and frankly we didn’t need her to. She had just shaved her head, was in-between bouts of rehab and it was just generally assumed she had jumped the couch. But apparently Britney felt it was necessary to “repair” her batshit craziness with an even more batshit crazy excuse.
Here’s what she said:
“I apologize to the pap for a stunt that was done 4 months ago regarding an umbrella. I was preparing my character for a roll in a movie where the husband never plays his part so they switch places accidentally. I take all my rolls very seriously and got a little carried away. Unfortunately I didn’t get the part.”
A good rule of thumb for any excuse is to never say anything that prompts additional questions. Another rule of thumb: don’t be an idiot. Both rules are violated pretty severely in Britney’s statement. She was preparing for a “roll” (sic, obviously)? One, no one pays her to act. Not now, not ever. Two, what role could she possibly have been preparing for? The Angelina Jolie role in Girl Interrupted 2: Celebritard Interrupted? Was she angling for a spot in the V For Vendetta sequel “U For Umbrella”? She hadn’t been attractive or creatively relevant for nearly four years (if she ever really was), and now she’s breaking into movies? I think she may have confused the phrase “preparing for a role in a movie” with “whatever the Klonozopan says is what I do”. Not to mention, when has it ever been a man’s role to repeatedly hit a stranger’s car with an umbrella? Is that a country western thing I’m not aware of?
Even if we go out on an extremely tenuous limb and believe she was preparing for a role, the plot of the movie is so ludicrously stupid, that even Bret Ratner was like “Yeah, me and this random club skank I’m harassing call shenanigans on that shit.” Didn’t they stop making “switching roles” movies in the 80’s when we all realized the consequence of cocaine use was Judge Reinhold? Methinks Britney couldn’t figure out how to get Freaky Friday out of the DVD player and it slowly warped her brain, Clockwork Orange-style.
“I was going through post-partum depression and could not get a handle on my mood. I’m working to correct this, and hope that my plight will serve as a boon for women who are privately suffering from this oppression to get the help they need to repair their lives. Thank you for your understanding, and I apologize again for harm or discomfort I may have caused”.
That’s my suggestion for what she should have said. It’s concise, to the point, gets you the next cover of People Magazine, Brooke Shields becomes your best friend, and now you can start getting some real sympathy. It works well for everyone and squashes that week of craziness for good. But I’m not a trained PR flack, so what do I know?
If this was her excuse, what were the ones thrown out? Because you know her people sat around a conference room throwing out ideas for how to “handle” this, and after the fourteenth Red Bull waterfall they pulled “preparing for a movie role” out of their asses and went to sushi to celebrate their genius. If I was a fly on the wall of that urgent meeting, here is what I bet some of the discarded excuses were:
- “Kevin triple-dog dared me to do it, and as you are all aware, the rules of “Dare” clearly state that the daree MUST perform the darer’s dare upon invocation of the triple-dog. So as you can clearly see, I had no choice.”
- “I was helping my sister Jamie-Lynn with a science experiment for her health class. We were studying the effects of craziness in an unstable Celebritard. As it stands, the results were inconclusive. But she did get a C+, best grade the Spears family has ever received.”
- “That’s not what you do with an umbrella? Huh. Well, what’s it for, then?”
- “I am actually a closet soccer hooligan. Liverpool had a match coming up against Sheffeld United and I needed to step up my hooliganism. You gotta stay sharp during Premiere League, cause those United fans are major tossers!”
- “It’s possible I’m not very bright. My doctors are looking into it. I’m hoping the results are positive.”
- “Lindsay, Paris and I were having a competition to see who could act the craziest without getting in trouble. I was losing and needed a quick score. The attack put me back in first, but Lindsay ended up winning when she crashed her car and passed out. Paris made a valiant attempt for a last-minute win with that whole jail thing, but you just can’t beat “useable amounts of cocaine” as a headline. Lindsay is like the Michael Jordan of competitive Celebritard stupidity.”
- “It wasn’t me, it was the one-armed man!”
- “I decided to switch roles models. Instead of Madonna, I am now following the merits and advice of renowned sane person, Courtney Love. Please allow for some inefficiency during this transitional period.”
- “I love lamp!”
- My loneliness is killing me, and I, I must confess I still believe (still believe). When I’m not with you I lose my mind, give me a sign, Hit me baby one more time!
Britney, next time, just make like Scott Glenn in Backdraft and let it go.
Bangarang!
Bangarang!
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