Celebrities are always being credited, or should I say blamed, with starting trends. Jennifer Beals caused a nation of woman to massacre their sweaters, Woody Harrelson made white guys think they could hoop, George Clooney is responsible for the raft of Caesar haircuts that lamed across America back in the 90’s, and so on and so forth. What they do and think, we want to do and think. And usually, it’s pretty harmless. And then sometimes, Sarah Michelle Gellar is involved, and things get… ugly

According to a recent British study, SMG’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer is being cited as a catalyst for 50,000 women converting to Paganism. 50,000! Because of SMG and a wooden stick! I mean, I get that David Boreanaz proves there is no God, and Eliza Dushku proves there are angels living amongst us, but paganism? Where did they get that bullshit? Because it’s a show about female empowerment, women of the world start believing in Wicca? Uh… hu-what? Neve Campbell and a Smiths song couldn’t pull off that trick, but for some reason SMG, her jacked up nose and a few witty bon mots about vampires pulls it off?

Whatever boats your float, I guess.

But ANYway… that’s not what this post is about. A celebrity has caused 50,000 people to convert to a nonsense religion. If that isn’t a cause for an old school TheJay.com list post, I don’t know what is. So, without further ado, because Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn’t deserve any more bandwidth, and really she has her own problems, what with not being able to open a Direct-to-DVD movie, her husband becoming a writer for the WWE of all places, and you know, nobody actually liking her, I present to you “Other Religious Conversions Caused By Celebrities”.

List time!

• Lindsay Lohan converted 8,000 confused teenage girls in into Fauxmosexuals.

• Kirsten Dunst is responsible for the mass conversion to Dentalism.

• Tom Cruise converted the nation, minus 70k or so, to ANY OTHER religion but Scientology.

• Reese Witherspoon sold a million people’s souls to the Devil, as is her silent profession. Forty thousand more and she gets a free set of steak knives and a $27 million opening weekend to her next “romantic” “comedy”.

• SJP has converted 32 unfortunate souls to Horsefaceism. Amanda Peet has not been the same since.

• Angelina Jolie converted Brad Pitt into a wet blanket.

• Matthew McConaughey is going door to door, personally banging the doctrine’s of Alright-ianity into every above average female in Southern California. And yes, this holy ceremony is done shirtless. Brewski’s are also involved.

• Michael Phelps has converted exactly no one into “You-can’t-swim-as-fast-as-me-ism”, cause seriously, no one can swim as fast as him. One time, at the downtown Y, he lapped God. True story.

• Matthew Broderick has been trying to convert people away from religion. He doesn’t believe in “isms”. He thinks people should believe in themselves. But then, he married SJP, so what the eff does Ferris know, anyway?

• Natalie Portman probably converted a whole bunch of dudes to Judaism. I don’t have a joke here, I just imagine that’s the only way for her goyim fanbase to potentially snag her. That, and being a dirty hippie who makes bad music. She loves those douchebags.

• Mel Gibson converted a whole many people into Catholics. Then, later, a whole lot more into anti-Mel Gibson-ites.

• Michael Bay bows down to the God of Explosions. And since Megan Fox is one his congregants, this might be a viable alternative for me if this whole Judaism thing doesn’t work out.

• And of course, Shia LaBeouf converted himself from nice, upstanding young boy to the religion of Drunken LIARS! …oh SHIA!

Bangarang!

Russia is at war, the Olympics are happening, the Presidential Election is hitting its peak, and we are losing talented celebrities left and right (R.I.P. Bernie and Isaac)… but let’s talk about something important. Defamer is reporting that the $14 million People Magazine cover featuring the newest rookie’s on the Brangelina Team is… wait for it… NOT SELLING WELL.

Excuse me for a moment…

/weeps into my own shoulder.

Sorry, I’m back. Just a human moment, happens to everyone. I’m ready to talk about this calmly and rationally.

OK, so, sales are are about a million off pace, relative to what they spent (though, to give context, the cover of Nicole Ritchie and her pet child sold only 26 total copies, and one was to my Mother, so 2.5 mil copies for Knox and Vivienne ain’t too bad). And it looks, totes sadly, like People Magazine will lose money on their risky “exploitation of celebrity newborn” gambit, which worked so well the first time Brangelina premiered a golden (caucasian) child. I guess this means we can go ahead and consider the twins a bunch of tiny, new failures. Ah, sadface smiley.

Maybe that slacker, hippy toddler, Ryder Russell Robinson, can console them.

Owing to such a momentous mild disappointment, explanations and excuses have been flying back and forth. But as we all know, I have no interest in official explanations. It’s far more fun to postulate, speculate, ruminate and insult…tate. So to that end, here are my…

10 Reasons Why The Pitt-Jolie Twins People Magazine Cover Isn’t Selling Well

10- What the hell is on Brad’s face? Is that a… goatee? He realizes this isn’t 1997 anymore, right?

9- Yeah, yeah, good for the hot mega stars having sex and making babies. Whoop de doo. Did you hear Kelly Bundy has breast cancer? How awful is that.

8- Knox, really? No one on earth has ever cared about anything named Knox. And unless Levi Jeans McConaughey is getting his toddler mack on with Vivienne, I’m bored of this chick already.

7- Residual Shia crushed-hand worry consuming the nation’s interest in Celebreality.

6- Wait a second! The heavy girl from Hairspray beat the shit out of an America’s Next Top Model contestant? At an airport in the Caribbean? Over seats in the lounge? And we don’t have footage of this? And they all went to foreign JAIL?! Sweet sassy molassey, I need me some hourly updates on this, supes pronto!

5- Customers from rural areas of the country not sure what the big deal is about that goofy cowboy guy from Thelma & Louise and the weird, knife-carrying girl from Tomb Raider popping out a couple of kids.

4- Go Team Aniston!

3- America is finally realizing that Violet Affleck is the sleeper hit of the Baby Draft.

2- Dude, we all know that Angelina Jolie is only interesting when she’s holding a gun and wearing raccoon eyeliner.

1- Um, they’re babies. Seriously, they already had four of these things. It’s not like they released a sex tape, or got married, or traded the underperforming Pax Thien for Suri Cruise. Let’s get real. Someone tap me on the shoulder when one of these exalted poop machines cures Cancer; until then, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna worry about things that actually matter, like Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams maybe getting back together (which: whoa!).

Bangarang!

*** Props to I Can Has Cheezburger for the template.

Bangarang!

All the best, brightest and most make fun-able celebrities hit the red carpet for the 64th Annual Golden Globes on Monday. As always, I had spies on the scene recording the secret thoughts of the stars. Let’s see out what they had to say.

Sacha Baron Cohen: I swear to G-d I will knife the first sodded person who asks for a high five. Speaking of, where’s that Ryan Seacrest chap.

Patrick Dempsey: How’s my hair?

Jennifer Hudson: And I am telling you… suck my left tit, Bitch-once! American Idol, represent!

Evangeline Lilly: I am so glad I left the hobbit back on the island. Now where’s that McDreamy guy?

Renee Zellweger: Dammit, did I forget to sew my eyes open today? I knew I forgot to do something. Ah well, hopefully no one will notice.

Isaiah Washington: My agent says I need a nicer name for “faggot”, cause all that faggot talk is bad for my nice guy image. So what’s better? Cocksucker? Nah. Dick Licker? Too literal. Pussy Hater? Too negative. Purple-headed Nob Slobber? Yeah, that’s the one. I did not call that faggot T.R. a Purple-Headed Nob Slobber. But I did call Dempsey a pansy. Next question!

George Clooney: Alright Timberlake, here’s the game. First to five starlets wins. And I’ll even give you a two limoncello head start. Ready? Go!

Justin Timberlake: Guess who’s having sex with anyone he wants tonight? This guy!

Cameron Diaz: Cry me a river… cry me a river. Cry me a river, yeah.

Zach Braff: Dammit, I forgot to put on my anti-douche cream. Now I’ll never be able to make out with Jessica Alba and then whine about it on my blog tomorrow. My life sucks. (Cue pompous indie rock song)

Jack Nicholson: What year is it? Seriously, I have no idea. These things all look the same. Maybe I should take my sunglasses off. On second thought, screw that, I’m Jack. I can do whatever I want. And you know what? I’m nailing that Swank person tonight. Is she a boy? Is she a girl? What I’m saying is this: when you’re facing some free ass, what’s the difference?

Geena Davis: Has anyone seen my career? I think I dropped it. It’s about six feet tall, a hundred and forty pounds, used to be the President? Anybody? Please.

Dame Helen Mirren: Oh Streep, I finally have the better of you. Long live the Queen, bitch!

Mel Gibson: The Jews are responsible for all the awards shows in the world. Which is probably why I didn’t get nominated. Oh hey Salma! Say, your sugartits are looking real nice tonight!

Salma Hayek: If you like my Sugar Tits, you should see my Ugly Betty.

Ben Affleck: The name’s Affleck. A-F-F-L-E-C-K. I believe you’ll find I’m on the list. (grins stupidly)

Masi Oka: Golden Globes! Yatta!

The Jay: Stereotypes! Yatta!

Reese Witherspoon: I hope Ryan’s watching. I didn’t work out eight times a week, cut sugar, salt, bread and water from my diet and spray on my human face just to get hit on by Warren Beatty when Annette’s in the bathroom.

Sienna Miller: I am such a train wreck.

Ali Larter: Don’t look at me. My shit’s bangin’ and my show rules! Love and kisses to Jude. Oh wait, forget that…

Patrick Dempsey: Seriously, the hair? Looks good?

Tom Hanks: It looks great. Trust me, I would know.

Patrick Dempsey: I need a mirror! Stat!

Eddie Murphy: Finally, I’m more popular than Charlie. I’m Eddie Murphy, bitch. The Darkness has arrived!

Angelina Jolie: You get one hour Brad, then it’s back to Cambodia. I mean it. The orphaned babies need me.

Brad Pitt: Fine! Can I go play with George now? Pleeeeease?

Angelina Jolie: I miss Billy Bob.

Hugh Grant: I can’t believe I started my career nailing Julianne Moore and Julia Roberts and now I’m trying convincing the world I want to shag Drew Barrymore. Where did it all go wrong?

Drew Barrymore: I can’t believe I started my career nailing Chris O’Donnell and Adam Sandler and now I get to bone Hugh Grant! I must have don’t something right.

Jennifer Lopez: I am still relevant! I’m the face of Latin Entertainment.

America Ferrarra: Sure you are sweetie. Sure you are.

Meryl Streep: Put my Globe in the car, fetch me a martini and get Gyllenhaal boy’s phone number. That’s all.

Hillary Swank: Remember everybody, I’m still a girl. That fact has not changed. And I’m still single. Line it up, boys! Oh, hi Jack! Nice to see you, too…

Bangarang!

So Mel Gibson hates Jews. Tell me something I don’t know. I’ve been aware of Mad Mel’s rabid anti-Semitism since the menorah-burning scene he snuck into the gag reel on the Braveheart DVD. So I wasn’t too surprised by his drunken outburst last Friday (Though the Sugar Tits comment was pretty kick ass. Guess what The Lady’s new nickname is?). What I was more surprised about was why the media has up till now chosen to ignore this pervasive form of hate-mongering. That being “Celebrities Who Hate A Group Of People”. I did some digging into this rising trend of bigotry and found some surprising results.

Did you know that… ?

Angelina Jolie Hates Friends

Bob Barker Hates Golfers

Samuel L. Jackson Hates Muthafuckin’ Snakes!

George Lucas Hates Fanboys

Robert Downey Jr. Hates Sober People

Lindsay Lohan Hates Guys Who Don’t Have STD’s

Michael Jordan Hates Degenerative Gamblers

Anthony Hopkins Hates Death

Lance Bass Hates Salad Tossers

Nicole Ritchie Hates Chefs

Angelina Jolie Hates Friends

Gary Oldman Hates Vampires

Dan Marino Hates Ring Bearers

Captain Hook Hates (He HATES! He HATES!) Peter Pan

Christina Applegate Hates Anchormen

Paris Hilton Hates Cameramen

Christian Bale Hates Kryptonians

John Travolta Hates Nicolas Cage

Nicolas Cage Hates John Travolta

Marcia Cross Hates Desperate Housewives

Brandon Davis Hates Redheads

Nick Lachey Hates Blonde Pop Singers

Jessica Simpson Hates Has Been Boy Banders

Matthew McConaughey Hates Deodorant Makers

M. Night Shyamalan Hates Movie Critics

Bryan Singer Hates Pirates

Tom Cruise Hates South Park (And Psychiatrists)

R. Kelly Hates Midgets

Michael Vartan Hates Boston-Bred Actors (Named Ben)

Treat Williams Hates The CW

Haley Joel Osment Hates Saturn Owners

Kim Basinger Hates Hairy Men

Anna Nicole Smith Hates Sons Of Rich Men

Howard Stern Hates People Named “Leslie Moonves”

Bruce Willis Hates Terrorists

Mr. T Hates/Pities Fools

Ashlee Simpson Hates Older Sisters

The Jay Hates Greasy Reese-y Witherspoon

Nicole Kidman Hates Tanning Salon Workers

Kevin Federline Hates Social Workers

Katie Holmes Hates Scientologists (Shh, don’t tell anyone.)

Sean Preston Spears Hates Parents

Mel Gibson Still Hates Jews

You learn something new everyday here at TheJay.com. So while the Jewish Anti-Defamation League handles the Mad Mel Beyond Jew-Thunderdome problem, let’s all take up the fight to stop the rest of the celebrity bigotry. Especially the R. Kelly bigotry. I mean, really? Who hates midgets? They’re so small and cuddly.

Bangarang (Hates The Jay)!