The hope is that reading this list will help you to learn more about Jason Matthews (aka “The Jay’). It shouldn’t be an exercise in bashing my taste. Cause we all like some really bad pop culture (hey Keanu!), and no one should be judged by their guilty pleasures. The idea is not for me to tell you what to like or what you should think. I’m not making a case that my list is any better or valid than any of the other indulgent Best Of The Decade lists (which all suck) that are overloading the Internet right now. I didn’t pick these movies to make you think I’m some cool, with it know-it-all. Frankly, all that doesn’t matter to me.

I’m simply saying, for me, these were the ones that mattered. For whatever it’s worth.

40 – Mean Girls

Was the catalyst for the rise (and fall) of Lindsey Lohan: failed actress, successful tabloid whore, ginger person; introduced the world to Rachel McAdams; tried to make “fetch” happen. This movie had a lot going on.

39 – Collateral

Tom Cruise is more fun to watch as a villain. Consider: Magnolia, Interview with a Vampire, Tropic Thunder, Vanilla Sky. Wait, he wasn’t the villain in Vanilla Sky? But then why was he trying to eat my soul with his mis-aligned upper teeth, serial killer mask and frightening intensity?

38 – High Fidelity

Lloyd Dobler grew up, got way into music and became a manic-depressive. A happy ending? Not quite. But it did result in a smart, hyper-literal movie with Tim Robbins getting a long-deserved beat down, totes supes CZJ side boob, Lisa Bonet singfucking us some Peter Frampton, Jack Black being actually funny instead of the not funny he’s become, the obliges John Cusack standing forlornly in the rain shot and maybe the hottest sex scene of the 2000’s (starring, shocker, Tim Robbins).

37 – Juno

Is it obnoxious writing? Yes. (I considered writing ‘honest to blog there, but didn’t really want to throw up on my keyboard, so you know.) Is Ellen Page too precocious by half? Correct. Is what the movie has to say kinda offensive? Pretty much. But I can’t take away the amazing work done by Jason Bateman, Jen Garner (her scene in the mall is a killer) and Allison Janney. And any movie that makes its male lead a Cross Country and Track star is all right by me.

36 – Old School

“He’s gonna do one!” Nuff said.

35 – Unbreakable

The best comic book origin movie that you didn’t realize was actually a comic book origin movie ever. I miss M. Night’s fastball.

34 – Atonement

If only for the score, the library sex scene and BRIIIIOOOOONNNNYYY! Also? Everything else about this movie.

33 – Moulin Rouge!

I can sing both parts of Elephant Love Medley by heart, nine years later. That has to count for something.

32 – Sideways

I hated this movie for a long, long time. And I can’t forgive the movie for causing a fungal rash of sad bastard men movies to be made (mostly all starring Paul Giamatti or PSH, obvs). But the movie got people into wine, my favorite hobby, and shined a light on Santa Barbara Wine Country, my favorite place in the world. And despite my issues with the story, THIS is amazing writing:

“I like to think about the life of wine. How it’s a living thing. I like to think about what was going on the year the grapes were growing; how the sun was shining; if it rained. I like to think about all the people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it’s an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I like how wine continues to evolve, like if I opened a bottle of wine today it would taste different than if I’d opened it on any other day, because a bottle of wine is actually alive. And it’s constantly evolving and gaining complexity. That is, until it peaks, like your ’61. And then it begins its steady, inevitable decline. …And it tastes so fucking good.”

31 – The Queen

A stunning picture, credits to credits. Gets extra credit for making me want to do to horrifyingly sexual things to a septuagenarian. (What? Helen Mirren is HOT. #fact)

30 – The Bourne Ultimatum

For the Waterloo Station sequence alone.

29 – Mission Impossible 3

Secretly the best action movie of the decade. And easily one of the best action movie teasers of all-time.

28 – Pride and Prejudice

The film that made me turn the corner on Keira Knightley. It’s a beautiful adaptation, has the most sweeping camera work, and the ensemble brings it with powerful yet subtle acting. Loved this movie.

27 – The Perfect Score

A perfect 80’s teen movie, twenty years too late.

26 – The Blind Side

The best movie of 2009. And it’s not even close. Saw it in theaters twice, cried both times. The best work Sandy has ever done, and she’s done a lot of great work. Hollywood doesn’t make movies like this anymore, but they should.

25 – Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Shane Black at his sardonic, quippy, violent action best, RoDoJu bringing the funny, Val tapping into his Real Genius performance, AND Michelle Monaghan topless? How was this movie not a GIANT success?

24 – Zoolander

The movie I have quoted the most this decade. It isn’t a particularly good movie, but there’s not a person I know who doesn’t, every so often, cough lightly in public and say “I have the black lung, pop”.

23 – Taken

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”*

*Gets extra credit for being the only time I went to the Bridge Cinema and didn’t have the worst movie-going experience in my life. What is WRONG with those people? Take your idiot conversations, text messaging and general hooliganery OUT of the theater. There are people trying to watch Liam Neeson kill foreigners here!

22 – The Core

Quite possibly the dumbest disaster movie Hollywood has ever put out, and that includes the one where Dennis Quaid runs away from weather, but I can’t help but love something that knows how stupid it actually is. And I can’t help but be charmed by a movie that has its hero pitch a full-on temper tantrum AT his love interest. That takes balls.

21 – Iron Man

The most fun of any blockbuster in the last ten years. Gets props for casting RoDoJu right off of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, when no one thought he had a Franchise in him. Made Gwyneth Paltrow fun again (no easy feat). And the scene of Stark testing out the flying mechanism in his workshop is an underrated special effects stunner.

20 – Minority Report

If for this scene alone:

You may weep now.

19 – The Aviator

As someone who has fought (and occasionally won) the battle of obsessive-compulsive disorder, I can relate to this film on a molecular level. And I could watch Leonardo dress down Cate Blanchett every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

“Don’t you ever talk talk down to me! You’re a movie star, nothing more!”

18 – No Country For Old Men

Was the Best Picture in the best year for Best Pictures of the decade. And putting this here means I get to link to my Javier Bardem Oscar post, one of my favorite things I’ve ever written. Done!

17 – Ocean’s Eleven

A compulsively watchable flick, the best star cast of the decade, an instant TNT New Classic and just plain, good old-fashioned fun. Brad Pitt eating in every scene, the wink wink lame ‘happily ever after’ kiss at the end, Julia emailing in her performance, “Whisky and a whisky”, the all of the everything that is Topher Grace and Matt Damon FINALLY making me like him (if not so much his pig nose).

16 – Catch Me If You Can

Some of the best work Spielberg has done in two decades, and it all feels tossed off, making me love it all the more. Haunting, genuine work by Christopher Walken (not easy at this point, if you think about it), the best knock knock joke ever, a game Tom Hanks, my favorite opening credits of the decade and Leo being Leo. There’s something about D-Cap’s work in the 2000’s that hit me hard. He played guys missing answers and trying desperately to find them, which I heart. You’ll notice that starts to be a recurring theme from here on out.

15 – Punch Drunk Love

A mesmerizing movie, if only for the pillow talk.

14 – Mr. & Mrs. Smith

The schadenfreude alone qualifies the movie for Best Ever status. Smith has no business being good, considering its troubled production, and the fact that the movie could have just put a close up on Brangelina’s faces for two hours and called it a day and we would have ate it up, and yet it is. Very good, in fact. The Brad on Angelina fight was fantastic, the freeway gunfight with Truths Revealed sequence was electrifying (“Art?” “History! It’s reputable.”), Vince Vaughn was stellar, Adam Brody got beat up (counts for a LOT), and I can’t get enough of Brad telling Angelina she “looked like Christmas morning”. I’m on Team Aniston, for the real, but this movie almost makes up for her trauma.

13 – Bring It On

The Citizen Kane of cheerleader movies. Also, the only movie Kirsten Dunst has EVER been likable in. And, um, hello, Eliza Dushku in a bikini, washing cars. My work here is done.

12 – Kill Bill ½

Part 1 is ultra-badass, Part 2 is exhilarating filmmaking. Would rank higher if QT had taken out the anime sequence (not interested, thanks), reduced the time Uma was trapped in a coffin (my greatest fear), and eased back on the foot fetish. We get it, Uma has great toes! Can we get back to the swords and exploitation now?

11 – The Notebook

I get that I’m a guy and therefore shouldn’t have this on my list. But you can’t tell me this wasn’t a seminal movie of the decade. That it didn’t change things. You can’t. Gosling and McAdams were the most watchable lovers in any movie of the last ten years. Period. I loved this movie the first time I saw it, and when I rewatched it again for this list, you know what I found out about my love for it? It wasn’t over. It’s still not over!

/makes out with this movie in the rain

10 – X-Men

I saw this movie in theaters five times, maybe the most I have ever seen any movie in the theaters. The movie is not without issues: the ending is small, Halle Berry is atrocious, Anna Paquin makes me Ralph and the pace is like an injured turtle. But man alive, Hugh Jackman’s arms. Hugh freaking Jackman’s. Arms.

Please excuse me while I go do 150 push-ups.

9 – Garden State

I make no apologies for this movie. It’s trendy to bash Garden State because of the weak, cliché writing, but you know what all you people? Go fuck yourself. This movie is GREAT. The Coldplay, the slow motion zooms, the WIDE establishing shots, the Natalie Portman, what’s not to like? Guys ding this movie unfairly because they are jealous Zach Braff got to make out with Natalie Portman in the rain, which is (not so) secretly our greatest wish in life. But we need to get over ourselves. And wannabe filmmakers hate this movie because they believe they could do it better. But if they could, they would, and they haven’t. Braff may be a King Douche, but he gets credit for doing it. And the doing is the whole point.

8 – The Royal Tenenbaums

Wes Anderson, irritating storytelling warts and all, is a singular voice in American filmmaking. This is his best work, and it’s not even close.

“The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. “Vámonos, amigos,” he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.”

7 – Wedding Crashers

Any film that opens with a ten minute montage of partying, bare boobs, cake and great dialogue, and then gives us Walken being an oddball, McAdams being luminous, Jane Seymour MILF-ing it up, Bradley Cooper playing a character named Sack Lodge, and the everything of the all that is the stage-5 clinger Isla Fisher, with a truly hilarious Will Ferrell cameo to boot, automatically makes me Top Movies of the Decade list. Hey, I don’t make the rules, I just obey them. So no excuses, play like a champion.

6 – Anchorman

I submit to you the following:

Any questions?

5. Brick

It could be the dialogue. It could be the style. It could be the camera work. It could be the score. But really, it’s about the journey. Of a guy looking for answers. A guy who refuses to just leave it be. A guy who needs to know. And who pays the price for that information.

4 – Harry Potter 3 and 5

Parts one and two are kids movies. Four is easy to digest mainstream snore. Six is too insular for its own good. But 3 and 5, Prisoner of Azkaban and Order of the Phoenix? They’re about something. They have something to say. They are filmmaking of the highest order. Two harsh, magnificent, brutal chapters in the life of a tragic boy, who wants nothing more than to be normal, happy and loved, and continues to suffer for wanting those things and having the gall to ask for them.

It’s easy to write this franchise off because of its popularity, but never forget that this is a story of a boy whose parents were murdered, a boy being hunted down every moment of his life, a boy with the literal world on his shoulders, a boy who can relate to no one, but who never backs down for a fight and will stop at nothing to protect those he cares about, even if it means dying. Let’s see Team Bella do that.

3 – Spartan

I’m a doer. I see a job that needs to get done, I do it. No complaints, no questions. I will go to the ends of the Earth to make it happen. Spartan is a movie made for people like me. Gripping, intense, honorable and the best Mamet dialogue an aspiring playwright could ask for.

And if you ever wanted to pull life advice from a movie, this is the movie to do it.

“You had your whole life to prepare for this moment. Why aren’t you ready?”

“The hardest thing, y’know what it is? It isn’t going in the door, it’s coming out.”

“Why would I want to know? I ain’t a planner, I ain’t a thinker. I never wanted to be. You got to set your motherfucker to receive. Listen to me. They don’t go through the door, we don’t ask why. That’s not a cost, it’s benefit. Because we get to travel light. They tell me where to go. Tell me what to do when I get there.”

2 – The 25th Hour

I tend to respond the most to movies about conflicted characters reflecting on their past, trying to figure out where things went wrong, and considering how to fix it going forward. This is the finest version of that story.

I dream of writing something as beautiful as the last ten minutes:

1 – Before Sunset

I look at my Top Ten and I see a pattern. And the pattern is me. We love movies for all sorts of reasons, but the ones that matter to us, tend to matter for one specific reason. Their story, in a fashion, is our story.

I started this decade as a freshman in College. All optimism, energy and naïveté. I was a hopeless romantic, with not an ounce of practicality. I had done nothing, but believed I felt everything. I end this decade a professional. I am hardened, realistic, unlike that 18 year-old boy in every way. I spent ten years searching for answers. Trying to discover the right path to happiness. And I haven’t found it yet. But I can look back, see the course of my life and understand how things fit. Why they went the way they did. Why I am here, in this place, in this moment, today. Which is good.

But that doesn’t mean I like it. And it doesn’t mean I accept it.

Before Sunset is that story. Tracking your life across a long span, deciphering the choices made, from love to career to everything else. Seeing so clearly how it all went down, but being powerless to alter things for the better. And then, in the most perfect cinematic way, two people are given a second chance. They are given an opportunity to get it right, this time, knowing now what they wish they knew then. And it’s on them to make it happen.

Before Sunset is an escape in the best way possible. It’s fun imagining I’m Neo or Riggs or John McClane or the guys from Wedding Crashers, shooting guns, being a hero, getting laid, etc. But it’s better, and more fulfilling, to imagine getting that second chance. To imagine saying all the right things in all the right ways to the right person. And hearing them say all the right things back to you.

It’s a movie about hope, the one thing I take with me the most into the new decade. The hope that I will figure it out. The hope that I won’t need that second chance, because when it counts, I will get it right the first time.

Movies are and always have been my education. I learn who I am from what I watch. These 40 movies, more than any others, taught me the most about myself this decade. And I will take the knowledge I have gained into the next decade and try to better myself, little by little, every day.

I am smarter, stronger, kinder, and more able to survive and thrive. What’s the job? Find me. I’ve had my whole life to prepare for this moment.

I am ready.

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

It’s OK that you had no one special in your life on Valentine’s Day. It’s OK that you weren’t shelling out insane amounts of money to take someone to a fancy restaurant and pay for bland food from a prixe fix menu. It’s OK that that cute boy or cute girl turned you down, broke up with you, or doesn’t know you exist. It’s OK to be on your own.

I am. I spend Valentine’s Day pouring wine for 50 couples and then went to a play with some friends, came home and watched Jonas Bros (no “the” anymore) ruin Alec Baldwin’s SNL. And you know what? It was excellent. Well, not the Jonas Bros part, obvs.

My point is this: It’s all going to be OK. Know how I know that?

Because this guy:

Is engaged to this girl:

And this guy:

Is engaged to this girl:

Do you see? Anything is possible. And nothing matters, not even looks, when you’re funnysmartandgreat (Britney said that shit, and she can make a dance floor into a circus, so you know it’s true.). Be your great, geeky self and fantastic people will come into your life.

And it’s not just geeky guys. All my geekettes out there, Tina Fey is not making myths. Check out who Jon Hamm is with in real life:

If that butterface can snag the most handomest handsome that ever handsomed, there is hope for anyone.

But, just so you don’t think I’m setting outrageously unattainable expectations about the dating world, let me clarify: realign your expectations, you will not be dating Christina Hendricks or Jon Hamm anywhere in the near future.

Even in real life, people who look like this still end up together:

Look: I have no allusions that Natalie Portman and I will bump into each other on the street and it’ll be like that Mad About You episode where Paul and Jamie Buchman had never met and when they saw each other they just knew, and he goes “Let’s go home” and they live happily sitcom-ed ever after (her malignant forehead, notwithstanding). That ain’t happening. But I’m not gonna dwell on my singledom, either. And neither should you.

But in a world where David Spade knocked up a Playboy Playmate, David Silver is banging Megan Fox, Julia Roberts once married Lyle Lovett and Jimmy Fallon married an old person, it’s time we take a page not from ludicrous Kate Hudson romcoms, but from (celeb)reality. And to consider that though he’s just not into you, maybe you’re just not into that douche, either.

How about we just pull a Kelly Taylor and choose ourselves? Look how well that worked for her: she got addicted to coke, burned in a fire, recruited by a cult, shot in the stomach, nearly killed by Tracy Middendorf, knocked up and then ditched and now works for her old High School. But she looks FABulous.

And if you’re still down about a having had a lonely V-Day, let me end with this: guys, at least you’re not this fucker, and girls, at least you’re not dating him.

See? Things are already looking up.

Bangarang!

According to a recent British study, SMG’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer is being cited as a catalyst for 50,000 women converting to Paganism. 50,000! Because of SMG and a wooden stick! I mean, I get that David Boreanaz proves there is no God, and Eliza Dushku proves there are angels living amongst us, but paganism? Where did they get that bullshit? Because it’s a show about female empowerment, women of the world start believing in Wicca? Uh… hu-what? Neve Campbell and a Smiths song couldn’t pull off that trick, but for some reason SMG, her jacked up nose and a few witty bon mots about vampires pulls it off?

Whatever boats your float, I guess.

But ANYway… that’s not what this post is about. A celebrity has caused 50,000 people to convert to a nonsense religion. If that isn’t a cause for an old school TheJay.com list post, I don’t know what is. So, without further ado, because Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn’t deserve any more bandwidth, and really she has her own problems, what with not being able to open a Direct-to-DVD movie, her husband becoming a writer for the WWE of all places, and you know, nobody actually liking her, I present to you “Other Religious Conversions Caused By Celebrities”.

List time!

- Lindsay Lohan converted 8,000 confused teenage girls in into Fauxmosexuals.

- Kirsten Dunst is responsible for the mass conversion to Dentalism.

- Tom Cruise converted the nation, minus 70k or so, to ANY OTHER religion but Scientology.

- Reese Witherspoon sold a million people’s souls to the Devil, as is her silent profession. Forty thousand more and she gets a free set of steak knives and a $27 million opening weekend to her next “romantic” “comedy”.

- SJP has converted 32 unfortunate souls to Horsefaceism. Amanda Peet has not been the same since.

- Angelina Jolie converted Brad Pitt into a wet blanket.

- Matthew McConaughey is going door to door, personally banging the doctrine’s of Alright-ianity into every above average female in Southern California. And yes, this holy ceremony is done shirtless. Brewski’s are also involved.

- Michael Phelps has converted exactly no one into “You-can’t-swim-as-fast-as-me-ism”, cause seriously, no one can swim as fast as him. One time, at the downtown Y, he lapped God. True story.

- Matthew Broderick has been trying to convert people away from religion. He doesn’t believe in “isms”. He thinks people should believe in themselves. But then, he married SJP, so what the eff does Ferris know, anyway?

- Natalie Portman probably converted a whole bunch of dudes to Judaism. I don’t have a joke here, I just imagine that’s the only way for her goyim fanbase to potentially snag her. That, and being a dirty hippie who makes bad music. She loves those douchebags.

- Mel Gibson converted a whole many people into Catholics. Then, later, a whole lot more into anti-Mel Gibson-ites.

- Michael Bay bows down to the God of Explosions. And since Megan Fox is one his congregants, this might be a viable alternative for me if this whole Judaism thing doesn’t work out.

- And of course, Shia LaBeouf converted himself from nice, upstanding young boy to the religion of Drunken LIARS! …oh SHIA!

Bangarang!

Excuse me for a moment…

/weeps into my own shoulder.

Sorry, I’m back. Just a human moment, happens to everyone. I’m ready to talk about this calmly and rationally.

OK, so, sales are are about a million off pace, relative to what they spent (though, to give context, the cover of Nicole Ritchie and her pet child sold only 26 total copies, and one was to my Mother, so 2.5 mil copies for Knox and Vivienne ain’t too bad). And it looks, totes sadly, like People Magazine will lose money on their risky “exploitation of celebrity newborn” gambit, which worked so well the first time Brangelina premiered a golden (caucasian) child. I guess this means we can go ahead and consider the twins a bunch of tiny, new failures. Ah, sadface smiley.

Maybe that slacker, hippy toddler, Ryder Russell Robinson, can console them.

Owing to such a momentous mild disappointment, explanations and excuses have been flying back and forth. But as we all know, I have no interest in official explanations. It’s far more fun to postulate, speculate, ruminate and insult…tate. So to that end, here are my…

10 Reasons Why The Pitt-Jolie Twins People Magazine Cover Isn’t Selling Well

10- What the hell is on Brad’s face? Is that a… goatee? He realizes this isn’t 1997 anymore, right?

9- Yeah, yeah, good for the hot mega stars having sex and making babies. Whoop de doo. Did you hear Kelly Bundy has breast cancer? How awful is that.

8- Knox, really? No one on earth has ever cared about anything named Knox. And unless Levi Jeans McConaughey is getting his toddler mack on with Vivienne, I’m bored of this chick already.

7- Residual Shia crushed-hand worry consuming the nation’s interest in Celebreality.

6- Wait a second! The heavy girl from Hairspray beat the shit out of an America’s Next Top Model contestant? At an airport in the Caribbean? Over seats in the lounge? And we don’t have footage of this? And they all went to foreign JAIL?! Sweet sassy molassey, I need me some hourly updates on this, supes pronto!

5- Customers from rural areas of the country not sure what the big deal is about that goofy cowboy guy from Thelma & Louise and the weird, knife-carrying girl from Tomb Raider popping out a couple of kids.

4- Go Team Aniston!

3- America is finally realizing that Violet Affleck is the sleeper hit of the Baby Draft.

2- Dude, we all know that Angelina Jolie is only interesting when she’s holding a gun and wearing raccoon eyeliner.

1- Um, they’re babies. Seriously, they already had four of these things. It’s not like they released a sex tape, or got married, or traded the underperforming Pax Thien for Suri Cruise. Let’s get real. Someone tap me on the shoulder when one of these exalted poop machines cures Cancer; until then, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna worry about things that actually matter, like Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams maybe getting back together (which: whoa!).

Bangarang!

All the best, brightest and most make fun-able celebrities hit the red carpet for the 64th Annual Golden Globes on Monday. As always, I had spies on the scene recording the secret thoughts of the stars. Let’s see out what they had to say.

Sacha Baron Cohen: I swear to G-d I will knife the first sodded person who asks for a high five. Speaking of, where’s that Ryan Seacrest chap.

Patrick Dempsey: How’s my hair?

Jennifer Hudson: And I am telling you… suck my left tit, Bitch-once! American Idol, represent!

Evangeline Lilly: I am so glad I left the hobbit back on the island. Now where’s that McDreamy guy?

Renee Zellweger: Dammit, did I forget to sew my eyes open today? I knew I forgot to do something. Ah well, hopefully no one will notice.

Isaiah Washington: My agent says I need a nicer name for “faggot”, cause all that faggot talk is bad for my nice guy image. So what’s better? Cocksucker? Nah. Dick Licker? Too literal. Pussy Hater? Too negative. Purple-headed Nob Slobber? Yeah, that’s the one. I did not call that faggot T.R. a Purple-Headed Nob Slobber. But I did call Dempsey a pansy. Next question!

George Clooney: Alright Timberlake, here’s the game. First to five starlets wins. And I’ll even give you a two limoncello head start. Ready? Go!

Justin Timberlake: Guess who’s having sex with anyone he wants tonight? This guy!

Cameron Diaz: Cry me a river… cry me a river. Cry me a river, yeah.

Zach Braff: Dammit, I forgot to put on my anti-douche cream. Now I’ll never be able to make out with Jessica Alba and then whine about it on my blog tomorrow. My life sucks. (Cue pompous indie rock song)

Jack Nicholson: What year is it? Seriously, I have no idea. These things all look the same. Maybe I should take my sunglasses off. On second thought, screw that, I’m Jack. I can do whatever I want. And you know what? I’m nailing that Swank person tonight. Is she a boy? Is she a girl? What I’m saying is this: when you’re facing some free ass, what’s the difference?

Geena Davis: Has anyone seen my career? I think I dropped it. It’s about six feet tall, a hundred and forty pounds, used to be the President? Anybody? Please.

Dame Helen Mirren: Oh Streep, I finally have the better of you. Long live the Queen, bitch!

Mel Gibson: The Jews are responsible for all the awards shows in the world. Which is probably why I didn’t get nominated. Oh hey Salma! Say, your sugartits are looking real nice tonight!

Salma Hayek: If you like my Sugar Tits, you should see my Ugly Betty.

Ben Affleck: The name’s Affleck. A-F-F-L-E-C-K. I believe you’ll find I’m on the list. (grins stupidly)

Masi Oka: Golden Globes! Yatta!

The Jay: Stereotypes! Yatta!

Reese Witherspoon: I hope Ryan’s watching. I didn’t work out eight times a week, cut sugar, salt, bread and water from my diet and spray on my human face just to get hit on by Warren Beatty when Annette’s in the bathroom.

Sienna Miller: I am such a train wreck.

Ali Larter: Don’t look at me. My shit’s bangin’ and my show rules! Love and kisses to Jude. Oh wait, forget that…

Patrick Dempsey: Seriously, the hair? Looks good?

Tom Hanks: It looks great. Trust me, I would know.

Patrick Dempsey: I need a mirror! Stat!

Eddie Murphy: Finally, I’m more popular than Charlie. I’m Eddie Murphy, bitch. The Darkness has arrived!

Angelina Jolie: You get one hour Brad, then it’s back to Cambodia. I mean it. The orphaned babies need me.

Brad Pitt: Fine! Can I go play with George now? Pleeeeease?

Angelina Jolie: I miss Billy Bob.

Hugh Grant: I can’t believe I started my career nailing Julianne Moore and Julia Roberts and now I’m trying convincing the world I want to shag Drew Barrymore. Where did it all go wrong?

Drew Barrymore: I can’t believe I started my career nailing Chris O’Donnell and Adam Sandler and now I get to bone Hugh Grant! I must have don’t something right.

Jennifer Lopez: I am still relevant! I’m the face of Latin Entertainment.

America Ferrarra: Sure you are sweetie. Sure you are.

Meryl Streep: Put my Globe in the car, fetch me a martini and get Gyllenhaal boy’s phone number. That’s all.

Hillary Swank: Remember everybody, I’m still a girl. That fact has not changed. And I’m still single. Line it up, boys! Oh, hi Jack! Nice to see you, too…

Bangarang!

Did you know that… ?

Angelina Jolie Hates Friends

Bob Barker Hates Golfers

Samuel L. Jackson Hates Muthafuckin’ Snakes!

George Lucas Hates Fanboys

Robert Downey Jr. Hates Sober People

Lindsay Lohan Hates Guys Who Don’t Have STD’s

Michael Jordan Hates Degenerative Gamblers

Anthony Hopkins Hates Death

Lance Bass Hates Salad Tossers

Nicole Ritchie Hates Chefs

Angelina Jolie Hates Friends

Gary Oldman Hates Vampires

Dan Marino Hates Ring Bearers

Captain Hook Hates (He HATES! He HATES!) Peter Pan

Christina Applegate Hates Anchormen

Paris Hilton Hates Cameramen

Christian Bale Hates Kryptonians

John Travolta Hates Nicolas Cage

Nicolas Cage Hates John Travolta

Marcia Cross Hates Desperate Housewives

Brandon Davis Hates Redheads

Nick Lachey Hates Blonde Pop Singers

Jessica Simpson Hates Has Been Boy Banders

Matthew McConaughey Hates Deodorant Makers

M. Night Shyamalan Hates Movie Critics

Bryan Singer Hates Pirates

Tom Cruise Hates South Park (And Psychiatrists)

R. Kelly Hates Midgets

Michael Vartan Hates Boston-Bred Actors (Named Ben)

Treat Williams Hates The CW

Haley Joel Osment Hates Saturn Owners

Kim Basinger Hates Hairy Men

Anna Nicole Smith Hates Sons Of Rich Men

Howard Stern Hates People Named “Leslie Moonves”

Bruce Willis Hates Terrorists

Mr. T Hates/Pities Fools

Ashlee Simpson Hates Older Sisters

The Jay Hates Greasy Reese-y Witherspoon

Nicole Kidman Hates Tanning Salon Workers

Kevin Federline Hates Social Workers

Katie Holmes Hates Scientologists (Shh, don’t tell anyone.)

Sean Preston Spears Hates Parents

Mel Gibson Still Hates Jews

You learn something new everyday here at TheJay.com. So while the Jewish Anti-Defamation League handles the Mad Mel Beyond Jew-Thunderdome problem, let’s all take up the fight to stop the rest of the celebrity bigotry. Especially the R. Kelly bigotry. I mean, really? Who hates midgets? They’re so small and cuddly.

Bangarang (Hates The Jay)!

Know what? We’ll just assume they’ll read the well-wishes when they return to Malibu to raise they’re new family in Tabloidland. Congratulations to Brangelina and Shiloh-Nouvel, on behalf of TheJay.com and the following celebrities.

Vince Vaughn – Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. And three kids now, too. Real smart, Brad. Way to work it through. But seriously, as far as being a father, I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s really hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. You’re not sure where he’s coming from. Okay? You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man, Brad. You’re a bad man, bad man. Say hi to the baby for me, I’ll be over here, not at all balling your ex-wife. Also, go see The Break-Up, now in theatres.

George Clooney – I guess this means I’m gonna win the Most Groupies Banged On Set Award when we go shoot Oceans Thirteen. Clooney, with the win!

Catherine Zeta-Jones – Brad darling, I’m just gonna ask you, cause I’m curious, the English can be curious from time to time. If Ocean’s Twelve had done better, would you have picked me? Darling, I’m not saying I would have gone for it, I’m just saying the Cryptkeeper can’t possibly last much longer, if you catch my sweet drift. Did you see his last movie? It was like an ad for geritol. Bratherine? Catherad? BradZeta? Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas-Pitt! Hmm… Oh Michael dear!

Tom Cruise – Wooo!! Fatherhoood!!! It’s so great huh, buddy? Been a long time since our vampire movie. You wouldn’t let me talk you into coming down to the center, and I respect that. But I’m proud of you for staying strong. But how about we get together and talk about the kid coming down. We can do wonders for child development; getting rid of infantile disease, infantile drug use, we can manipulate her DNA. Heck, I’ll even let her play with little Suri. That kid can – (SIRENS BLARE IN THE BACKGROUND) Ah, dammit. Brad, I gotta go, the KatieBot’s trying to escape again. The fourth time this week. You’d think she’d have learned by know. KAAATIIIIE!

James Haven (Angelina’s Brother) – How about a kiss for the new mother?

Tyler Durden – Shiloh was the beginning, now it’s moved out of the basement, it’s called Project Mayhem.

Edward Norton – I just wanted to say congrats for bagging Angelina, cause that means that I really bagged Angelina, right? Wait, if you’re in Namibia, does that mean that I’m in Namibia? Oh shit. I am Jack’s West Nile virus.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Just by the by, I would have never made you move to Africa. London, maybe, but at least they have running water and yoga mats. As a gift for your new child, I had my husband write you a song. You know my husband, right? Kind of successful, kind of cool. In a little band called COLDPLAY? Enjoy Africa, Brad. I hear Namibia is for lovers. And THE PLAGUE!

Suri Cruise – Brad, Angelina, it’s me, little Suri. I tripped the alarm to get him out of here for a minute. You’ve gotta help us. Please, we’ll do anything. It’s worse than you know. The tests they make me take. Do you watch Lost? You know the Others? These guys are worse. Please, my Mom is a good person. At least I think she is, I don’t get to see her much, they keep her in the tank most of the day. He’s coming back, I don’t have much time. Help me Brangelina, you’re our only hope.

Julia Roberts – I wish I had the time to say a few nice words to your new family, but I’m just so busy, what with my blinding success on Broadway. Those Tony Awards commitments are pretty strict. Wait, what, I didn’t get nominated for a Tony Award? And no one is coming to see my show? Not even if I unleash the mega-watt chiclets? And now no one wants me in their movie? Not even Clooney? … well then. Seems I have some time on my hands. Congratulations on the new baby! I hope it’s more of a success than The Mexican.

Billy Bob Thornton – Can I just say how glad I am I never knocked you up, Angie. Could you imagine trying to talk my redneck ass into moving to Namibia? Seriously? Do they even have Orange food over there? I would have starved to death! Enjoy Africa, the plague, the kid and your vacant-eyed boytoy, but remember, I still have the pictures, I still have the blood vials, I still have the knives and I still have the contract for your soul. That lease don’t run out for quite some time. I’ll be waiting…

Jennifer Aniston – I don’t want to talk about the past, and all that stuff that happened. I’m beyond it, I’ve moved on, I’ve got a number one movie, I am good. Wait, what, People Magazine wants to do a cover story? … Brad hurt me! I am in so much pain! I don’t think I’ll ever get over our relationship! Also, go see The Break-Up, now in theatres.

Robert Redford – You’re a lucky man, Brad. They say you’re the new Redford, but I don’t know, I kind of wish it were the other way around. In my time, there were no tens. I had to nail Barbra Streisand; there was no one else! And here, you get Angelina Jolie. It’s just not fair. You got the money, the girl and the abs and I’ll I have is pockmarks and an over hyped film festival. Maybe Newman will agree to the Butch Cassidy sequel and I can cast Scarlet Johansson. An old guy can dream…

Colin Farrell – Shiloh, I congratulate you and I envy you. Angie was my Mom for a time, and let me tell you, fucking fantastic, man! Sponge baths, cuddling, fucking breast feeding like there was no tomorrow! It was fucking wild man! Woo, miss that girl. She still have that little mole on her- well, heh, you’ll find out. When you get the chance, tell her little Colin says “goo goo”, she’ll know what it means.

Jon Voight – Shiloh, it’s your Grandpa. I don’t think I’ll be seeing you anytime soon, so make Mommy put on the first Tomb Raider movie so you’ll know what I look like. Or turn on any of the talk shows, chances are I’ll be on pimping your birth and trying to get some publicity for myself. I love you, kid, even if your hot Mother doesn’t think so.

God – With parents like that, I didn’t have to lift a finger. I just sat back and watched reruns of Laguna Beach. That’s how the G-O-D rolls.

Sean Preston Spears – Hey Shiloh, what up, it’s me, little Sean P. What say you, me and Suri hook up for a little kiddie three-way. Think about it. I got mad baby pleasing skills. My Dad’s been teaching me some tricks. Holla atcha boy, playgirl!

Bangarang!

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