Wondering why I haven’t been blogging lately? It’s not cause the celebrities have been on their best behavior (ahem, CHRIS KLEIN!) I’ve been busy producing my debut feature-length play, Four Night Stand!

No, it’s not about the microscopically short box office run of Ashton and Heigl’s True Lies rip-off Killers, it’s actually a fun new comedy about one nights stands, and all the shenanigans that surround having them. Here’s the synopsis:

Uptight Danielle and freewheeling Sam meet at a party. They talk, they laugh, they dance, they drink, they drink some more, and they unexpectedly go home together. The harsh morning light of regret shines hard on Danielle who wants nothing more to do with her surprise one night stand. But Sam has other plans. With the help of Danielle’s mischievous sister Michelle, and Michelle’s simple boyfriend Steve, Sam and Danielle try to navigate the tricky waters of turning a night of passion into years of happiness.

Is it pretty much a loose “adaptation” of the Monica and Chandler relationship? Um, yes. So: is it pretty much the thing you always want to be watching, all the time? Um, hell yes.

Also? Everyone in it is really pretty. Like: Minka Kelly and Tim Riggins getting down in an airsteam trailer, post Saracen funeral-level pretty. And there isn’t a more pretty than that pretty. #fact

The play is being produced here: http://www.ruskingrouptheater.com.

If you’d like to come see the show, we have a few weeks left in the run. Here are the details:

Ruskin Group Theatre – Studio Space
3000 Airport Ave
Santa Monica, CA 90405

Fri & Sat: 8pm (thru June 26th)

Tickets: $10

For more info, click HERE.

See you at the theater!

Bangarang!

On The Late Show with David Letterman the other day, Demi Moore revealed that she uses leeches as a beauty regimen. She claims it’s the secret to looking glamorous at 61 45. I claim someone’s been watching Speed 2: Cruise Control a bit too much on TNT (Seriously Demi, Willem Dafoe is no one’s beauty maven). I guess she feels that in addition to rampant facial reconstruction, weekly botox injections, massive plastic surgery across her body and sucking the lifeblood out of a twenty year old himbo actor, she must let leeches suck her blood to stay beautiful.

And who I am to say she’s wrong?

In light of Demi’s recent health revelation, many stars have come out of the woodwork to reveal their personal beauty regimens. And for some, it’s not pretty. Take a look…

Renee Zellweger: Has a heavyweight boxer break up her face each and every day to ensure maximum scrunchiness.

Matthew McConaughey: Doesn’t need to do anything, cause he’s L-I-V-I-N! (Though the weed and the sports and the banging models helps, too.)

Lindsay Lohan: Each week, buys 100 packs of Crayola markers, then throws them all out but the orange ones. Using all 100 markers at once, she colors her tan in. You know, just to get a base.

President Clinton: Six words – “The royal penis is clean, sire.”

Ryan Seacrest: Before every Tuesday edition of American Idol, takes the Concorde to Tibet, scales the tallest mountain, sneaks into a hidden room of a monastery and gives a glory hole beej to the Dalai Lama. Claims it gives him that “just gayed by a spiritual deity” feeling that helps him devise the clever bon mots he uses against Simon Cowell.

Simon Cowell: Is secretly the guy glory holing Ryan Seacrest. Claims it gives him that “just secretly ram-gayed a network TV gameshow host” feeling he uses to look so smug in that judges chair.

Ryan Reynolds: Drinks a can of Powerthirst every morning to keep up his ridonkulous physique. His flavor of choice: RAWBERRY. It gives him gratuitous amounts of energy (ENERGY!). Don’t know what Powerthirst is? Peep the video:

- Side note: Ryan Reynolds actually has 400 babies. They’re currently undergoing marathon training in Kenya. In the year 2019, Ryan Reynolds’ children will take places 1-400 in every marathon on the planet. And they will all be snarky.

Reese Witherspoon: Does nothing. Being the spawn of Satan has its perks. Just what I heard…

Prince: Hustles unsuspecting D-list celebrities in pick-up basketball games. Afterwards, he cooks them pancakes. Game, blouses!

Hilary Swank: Men don’t need a beauty regimen, they’re fine just the way they are.

Jessica Biel: To maintain her perfectly over-sized posterior, she literally keeps junk in her trunk. Nothing big, just, you know, some crackers, a game of jacks, her 3rd place Archery ribbon from summer camp, Scattegories, lip balm, some old Nintendo cartridges (if you’re lucky, she’ll let you blow on them), stuff like that.

Kristen Bell: In order to remain extraordinarily cute, buys a new golden retriever puppy every 3 months just to rub it on her face before bed. The puppies are single use and she donates them to poor children once they’ve properly cutified her face. Sadly, the puppies are 72% less cute when she’s done with them, but don’t worry, they’re still good enough for poor kids.

Mario Lopez: You know those pills that Jesse was taking on the very special episode of Saved By The Bell? The ones that made her so excited, so excited, so… scared? Mario takes them to make his abs feel so excited, so excited, so… crunchy!

Megan Fox: Who knows, but whatever she’s doing, it’s working.

Ashton Kutcher: He’s Demi’s real leech! As Demi gets older, he gets younger. It’s the perfect crime! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA! /twirls lame hipster beard

Bangarang!

Too many jokes… must keep humor dignity… must refrain from using the word “Punk’d” as a noun… must remember I am above easy meanness… think of the kids, Jay, THINK OF THE KIDS!

Well, at least she’s smiling? (Look, I’m trying REAL hard not to knock this girl, but it’s not easy when she looks like this. I feel like Vincent Vega standing in Mia Wallace’s bathroom. “…it’s a moral test of yourself, whether or not you can maintain loyalty. Because when people are loyal to each other, that’s very meaningful. So you’re gonna go out there, drink your drink, say “Goodnight, I’ve had a very lovely evening,” go home, and jack off. And that’s all you’re gonna do.”)

Promises suck!

Tell me again why women like him so much?

“OMG! This is like, THE most punk I have ever looked. My pink mic could start, like, total anarchistic revolutions it is so freakin’ punk rock. Suck it David Bow-E, I’m the fiercist rocker in music history, LOL!”

“Hi. I’m Peter La Fleur, Owner and Operator of Average Joe’s Gym. And I’m here to tell you, you’re perfect just the way you are. But if you feel like losing a few pounds, gettin’ healthier, and making some good friends in the process… don’t listen to anything Vince Vaughn says. EVER.”

I thought Teri knew that Warners already cast Heath Ledger as The Joker?

Bangarang!