Yep, I remember dem good ole days.
Back when I was one of them actor folk. Life was pretty chill. Mostly just sat around, drankin beers, playin cards, sleeping with narrow blonde women. Occasionally I did sumdat pretendin stuff.
Money was pretty good. I din’t complain. Just showded up, did my thang, and cashed mah check.
Ooh, I remember this one time I dated this la-teen-o. It was great, man! She used to make me fried cheese with mexican beans. Girl had this giant ass, nahwhatImean? I started rolling wit her cause I thought all la-teen-o’s talked like that Rosie Perez chick from that Spike Lee movie where everything was hot all day, which I dig like redneck digs PBR, but she din’t talk that like. I says to her: “Woman! Call me Mookie when we’re doing our lurvemakin.” And sometimes, when I was good at her premieres, or my movies opened at number one, she would. She’d call me Mookie. Just like Matty used to.
Dems was good times.
Hey, hole up one second. Gotta take care of sum business.
Nate! HEY NATE! Bring them crawfish bubblers round back! We gotta get that Tolliver order settled. And tell Bobby Joe to pinch me off some Skoal chaw fer when I’m done interviewin!
Sorry bout dat. Where was I? Oh, right…
Yep, you can’t tell it by lookin at me, cause I’m running dis here bait shop nah, but back den, hooboy I was big. Garth Brooks big. And that’s a meterphorical big, not a literal girth. Peoples used to follow me and scream my name. Big time directors like Michael Bay and uh… MICHAEL Bay would fight to have me in der picture. I was good with the gun shooting angles and the animal crakerz in pudgy actress belly shots. Der was a time, long ago, when where if you had yurself a blockbuster, you had yurself some Benjamin Affleck. I tell ya!
Yeah, those were some good days.
Mah career was a full one. Walked away on top. King of the Mountain. Daredevil, Gigli, Surviving Christmas, Paycheck. BAM. Four hits, boom boom boom, like the Mighty Bahstan Red Sawx topplin the cursed Yankees in the ALCS! Can’t beat that string, nosireebob. Dat’s when I says to myself “Ben, time to go off and live your other dream. Running Benny’s Bait Shop and Broiler Mart.” So that’s what I did. And you know what? Best decision I eva made.
Do I ever think about returning to the movies? Lemme ask you sumthin: “Ya’ll ever think about leaving paradise?” I didn’t think so.
Dangit Nate! Where intheheyl are those bubblers? We ain’t runnin no chickenshit lazy bait shop here. I’m Ben Affleck, dangit! My name means qualitay!
Bangarang!
