Apparently, kids are good for more than just foisting your love of Keanu Reeves on them.

If you haven’t heard the remarkable “Celebrity Kid Makes Good” story, let me sum it up for you: Jennifer Garner took her angelic baby Violet to the supermarket; when they got there, Jen accidentally locked Violet in the car. Freaking out, worried something bad was gonna happen to her famous offspring, J-Garns successfully directed Violet to turn off the car, get the keys, unlock the doors and get out of the car. How amazing is that? A two and a half year-old who can valet for you, if necessary. That’s one smart kid!

(Though I’m not surprised, what with Ben as her father. Guy’s a genius, what else would you expect of his spawn? Better acting skills? Please.)

And that got me to thinking what other awesome things Violet probably does around the Affleck house. Besides saving Mommy’s ass in front of the papz and making Ben look like a credible Celebrity Father, here’s the list of chores Violet probably performs on a weekly basis.

VIOLET AFFLECK’S WEEKLY CHORES:

• Precuts all the Tofu in the house. Jen needs it sliced in eighths.

• Changes out empty rolls of toilet paper. Ends always rolling over, not under.

• Sets the Tivo (Late Night talk show preference is left up to her. Surprisingly, she’s a Craig Ferguson fan).

• Dolls out Daddy Ben’s daily hair restoration prescription.

• Cuts out all the tabloid pictures of Mommy and puts the prettiest ones on the fridge. Mails all the bad ones to Jen’s publicist with an angry letter threatening to fire her ass, written in a Teal Crayola Marker.

• Keeps up Ben’s correspondence with Barack Obama.

• Runs lines with Mommy. Does her best not to make Jen feel inadequate.

• Feeds the llama. Also, Kevin Smith, when he comes over.

• Cleans out the rain gutters. Cause they’re not gonna clean themselves!

• Texts her Dad every day, at precisely 1:37pm, to tell him he was “the bomb in Phantoms, yo!”

• Crank calls Suri Cruise to tell her get off her lazy ass and contribute. This isn’t actually a chore, she just enjoys doing it.

• Shines her halo all by herself.

Bangarang!

International screen hottie and budding hack musician, Scarlet Johansson, recently put a date with herself up for auction on eBay. The sham affair is an effort to raise money for the OxFam charity. Some pathetic Britboy actually dropped $40,000 to win the auction. That gigantic sum of money earns him the right to spend 20 minutes (less time than a sitcom!) with ScarJo at the red carpet premiere of her upcoming romcom “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

Wondering just what $40k for 20 minutes with a pretty Hollywood actress gets you these days? Read on to find out…

Minute 1: You’re at the premiere of ScarJo’s new movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” and you’re pitting up with excitement in your linty, off the rack tux; you’re about to meet the blonde chick with the big boobs and hot lips from that weepy indie movie you saw that one time because someone told you she shows her ass during the opening credits, and the ass was there as promised and it was fairly nice and easily the best thing about the movie, and you kept that in your head for years, secretly returning there in your happy place when no one was watching, and it slowly overtook you to the point where you voluntarily went to that magic movie she did with Wolverine on the off chance she showed some side boob action during her one-piece bathing suit scene, but she didn’t and the movie was really fucking bad but you forgave her cause in that other movie where she got dead in Britain she looked too fine, and you still worshipped the ass until last year when you heard it was a stunt butt and you were devastated, and then after subsequently snapping out of the years-long reverie you realized she hasn’t been in anything fun to watch beyond The Perfect Score, and that’s only as a goof. And it only cost $40,000 to live that dream.

Minute 2: She’s running late. Smell ya later, $4,000!

Minute 3: There she is, in all her glory. And by “glory”, I mean a frumpy, non-form fitting dress that highlights NOTHING, literally none of her fun bits, because you are a plebe and she’s not an idiot and you didn’t even crack $50k. But she shakes your hand (it’s a pullback shake, where you only get the fingers and half the palm… bitch), and smiles at you and you turn to mush, cause she is a celebrity and you are an idiot.

Minute 4: Awkward silence. Make that money count, boy!

Minute 5: You ask her how her day went. You make a mental note to beat your penis to death later for your lameness. She responds: “Um, nothing. I didn’t do much.” She subtly checks her watch. You have the vague feeling that she isn’t as charming as you’d hoped.

Minute 6: She thanks you for paying so much to meet her, and for giving it all to charity. You believe this is an invite to brazenly eye-fuck her rack. She raises her eyebrows at you, and four huge black guys are immediately five feet away from you and are hungry.

Minute 7: You - “So what’s it like being an actress?” ScarJo – “It’s great. I work with a lot of cool people. It’s fun.” You – “… so what was up with The Island? Boy, was that a pile of shit.” ScarJo – “So what was up with you paying forty grand to meet me? Boy, does that make you creepy.” You – “Riiiight.”

Minute 8: Awkward silence.

Minute 9: You ask her about the short film she’s making. Out of nowhere, a beret and sunglasses magically appear on her head and she begins a lengthy explanation of her composition and mise-en-scene. You become acutely aware of how disappointing you found her to be in The Prestige.

Minute 10: You know, in person, the ScarJo body is not so tight, huh? A bit stocky, right? That’s a $20,000 revelation you just had there, big guy. Next time bid on a latte date with Carla Gugino. It’ll be $35k cheaper and she’ll totally dish on making out with Lucy Liu in that low-rent vampire flick she made last year.

Minute 11: Does she just really need to cough, or does her voice actually sound like that?

Minute 12: You ask her what type of music she listens to. She name checks working with The Jesus and Mary Chain. You have no idea who she is talking about. Why didn’t she say Justin? He’s so dreamy!

Minute 13: Oh my god, there’s Ben Affleck!!! You beg ScarJo to introduce you. She can’t believe you’d rather shake the hand of the star of Gigli than have an awkward conversation with the child star of The Horse Whisperer. But c’mon, that’s a no brainer.

Minute 14: You tell Affleck he was the bomb in Phantoms (yo!). It was literally the best moment of your life. You start wondering why you couldn’t have paid $40 grand to have a beer with the Fleck. Maybe J-Garns would have dropped by and you could have taken a cell phone pic with baby Violet. What a missed opportunity…

Minute 15: ScarJo looks annoyed. You could give a shit.

Minute 16: Kinda bored and thus feeling reckless, you ask about the business with Tom Cruise. She demurs talking about it. Your response: “C’mon! … for charity?”

Minute 17: She tells a completely astonishing tale about her near abduction into the cult of Scientology, her narrow escape from their compound, personality tests flying by her like Indy avoiding the cave spears in the opening of Raiders, and her race to hide from the chasing horde. You are riveted. Tom Cruise is the best.

Minute 18: One more eye-fuck, for good measure. Now you can feel the breath of her bodyguards. They had lemon chicken for lunch.

Minute 19: Awkward silence. Both of you hoping this charade just ends.

Minute 20: She thanks you one more time for being so generous. You put out your hand for one more limp-wristed shake but she gives you a cute smile and pulls you in for a hug. It goes on for maybe 1.5 seconds longer than necessary and at the last moment she gives you an extra tight chest squeeze. The rack feels like overripe lemons being Jamba Juice’d into your torso. It’s uncomfortable, but you’ll still feverishly masturbate to the memory of it for the next decade. She walks away and you follow her ass as she goes. It’s not bad, but it’s no Lost In Translation stunt butt.

Consensus: Twenty minutes of awkward silences, stilted conversation and the briefest of hugs for forty thousand American dollars?

Totes worth it.

(He got to meet Affleck. Recognize!)

Bangarang!

Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of spears! Come little one, and I will show you how to make this city bow at your feet!!! I have conquered B-list male boytoys and swindled an Oscar, but now that we have survived our homeland freezing over, my power will be the greatest in Hollywood! Bad box office and critical drubbing for my terrible war movie aside, I’m still great enough to conquer every It-girl thrown my way.

And woe to those who try and stop me. Why my little party’s just beginning.

Somewhere over the 405

Way up on the Sepulveda Pass

There’s a land that I heard of

Once in an US Weekly…

Somewhere over the 405

Skies are less smoggy

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true

Some day I’ll be a movie star

And wake up where the JJ Abrams TV shows with bad ratings are FAR behind me

Where CAA agents melt like lemondrops

Away above the movie studio tops

That’s where you’ll find me

Somewhere over the 405

Academy Awards fly

Ellen Page got a nomination

Why then, oh why didn’t I?

Oh my adorable, precious Violet, the only person who might know would be the great and wonderful Wizard of Oscar himself!

“Pay no attention to the Affleck behind the curtain.”

“I’ll get you, my pretty… and your little Violet, too! Heheheheheheheheheheh!”

Bangarang!

There’s only one man who can step in and make this country better…

Only one man who will dare to make the hard choices…

Only one man who has saved the world from an asteroid the size of Texas…

And that man is Ben Affleck, your candidate for the next President of the United States!

His Slogan: “He’ll be the bomb as President, yo!”

His Philosophy on Poverty: “Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn’t fucking have any.”

His Policy on Tax Breaks for the Wealthy: “”They say money can’t buy happiness? Look at the fucking smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby.”

His Stance on the War in Iraq: “General, the President is basing his decisions on some really bad information right now. And if you shut me out, your family, and my family, and twenty-five million other families will be dead in thirty minutes.”

His Stance on Religion: “Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood!”

His Openness To Give Full Disclosure: “You want details? Fine. I drive a Ferrari, 355 Cabriolet. What’s up? I have a ridiculous house in the South Fork. I have every toy you could possibly imagine. And best of all kids, I am liquid.”

His Views on Alternate Lifestyles: “Yeah, well I’ve had my finger up my ass but I wouldn’t say I’ve had anal sex.”

His Related Views on Gay Marriage: “Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw.”

His Support of the Arts: “Yeah, who’s your favourite New Kid. Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don’t make me get loose. Yeah, that’s right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don’t go girl.”

His Tough Position on Education: “So this is a Harvard bar, huh? I thought there’d be equations and shit on the wall.”

His Policy for Feeding the Hungry: “Well why don’t you give me your fucking sixteen cents you got on you and we’ll put your sandwich on layaway. There you go, keep it right up here for you. We’ll put you on a program. Everyday you bring your six cents and at the end of the week you’ll get your sandwich.”

His Knowledge of Burgeoning Technology: “The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.”

His Old-Fashioned Take on Family Values: “No, bullshit, because I wasn’t WITH a hooker today, ha-HA!”

How Ben Affleck Would End The War In Iraq:

/shotgun blast

“Applesauce, bitch!”

His pick for Vice-President:

And most importantly…

Why You Should Vote For Him: “If by some fuckin’ miracle long shot you haven’t heard of my reputation let me tell you who the fuck I am! I am the fuckin’ Sultan of Slick! I am the rule of fuckin’ cool! You wanna be a gangster? You wanna be a thug? You sit at my fuckin’ feet and gather the pearls that emanate forth from me! Because I’m the fuckin’ original, straight-first-foremost, pimp-mack, fuckin hustler, original gangster’s gangster! Also, my name, it’s pronounced “Gigli”, it rhymes with “really”.”

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So if you want a stronger America, a better America, a Gigli-er America, then you have only one choice when you go to the polls today…

Vote Ben Affleck as the next President of the United States!

Bangarang!

I’m rip roaring and raring to go on ‘0JAY8 like La Lohan on an extended weekend in Capri, so before a Celebritard does something so dissgrossting that I have to break my Lost Girls ban and dip into my bag of fake whore words to describe their actions (”whoreititude” being my current favs), let’s start launching some award bombs (be forwarned, this post is HUGE).

And away we go (Read the 2005 and 2006 YIF Awards post as a refresher to their awesomeness):

MOST OVERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Knocked Up – Universally loved by both sides of the Relationship Wars, personally loathed by this guy. As funny as it is to see Seth Rogen giggle like an idiot, smoke pot and heffalump all over that girl who used to be hot when she was on Roswell but now is a shrill harpy who’s about to banshee scream the awesome out of James Marsden in that exorable 27 Dresses abomination, I’d rather just watch the much better SSDD Judd Apatow manchild movie, The 40 Year-Old Virgin. Also, I liked it better when it was called Nine Months and it starred a far more charming bumbling idiot and a much better actress who was also slumming it in a lame romcom but still managed to show a modicum of gratitude for hit studio movie that launched her career, unlike some other wretched blonde yenta currently turning Grey’s Anatomy into a double-bloop fest. Yikes, this movie gives me the hatebumps. Apatow should have considered going to the Screenplay Smashmortion clinic and smashmortioning this twenty-minute too long unfunny fest like yesterday’s Spears bastard.

MOST UNDERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – Despite making nearly a gajillion dollars at the box office, I got the sense that most people considered this episode a toss-off. A hurdle they have to jump to get to the infinitely more awesome Half-Blood Prince and the revelatory Deathly Hallows. But let me learn you all an education, this may prove to be the most intelligent, well put-together flick of the bunch. Book Five was nearly unreadable. Two hundred pages too long, full of lame, angsty teen balderdash and an anti-climactic finale that didn’t advance the story enough to warrant the preceding 700 pages (we all knew Harry wasn’t gonna get to keep Sirius, the whole point of the series is that he stands alone). Too my surprise, I found the movie adaptation positively mesmerizing. From the totes sweet over the shoulder shaky dolly when Harry and Dudley are running from the storm, to the dark tunnel Dementor fight where Harry wielded his Patronus like some mighty Jedi. From the crazy evil child torture scenes to the ku-reep-E Brooks Brothers-clad Voldemort on the train platform fever dream. And that’s before I get to the wrenching “LOOK AT ME!” scene. This film was playing to win the game. They didn’t think it was a damn exhibition. I must not tell lies dear readers, The Order of the Phoenix pwned hard.

Hairspray – I genuinely don’t care about musicals and I’m even more indifferent to John Waters, so imagine my surprise when I popped in the DVD and found myself bopping my head like I was the Kattan Roxbury jagoff for two straight hours (him? you? me? me? no? heh?). Full of infectious energy and crazy slick choreography, I had a blast with this movie. I dug Travolta so much I even forgave him for Wild Hogs. But it was a tough decision. I mean he does wear a bandana through that pile of shite. A bandana. Seriously. On his head. For two hours. And it was intentional.

WORST ACTRESS IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE

Kirsten Dunst, Spider-Man 3 – Tobey Maguire dyed his hair black, grew knock-off Petrelli-bangs and emo-Manero’d down the street in the most regoddamndiculously stupid sequence in blockbuster movie history and it was STILL not the worst musical number in the flick. That goes to Kristen Vampire Teeth McFlatboobs Dunst, who whilst singing in a play where she was the lead managed to sound like monkey shite even though she wasn’t actually doing the singing. Her performance was so terrible that the audience I saw the movie with actually applauded when Tobey decked her in that SECOND so so bad Dunst musical number. It was the one time in the movie where everyone got what they wanted: a scene where Tobey wasn’t weeping like a wee little girl and five fingers saying SLAP to the former Rancho Carne Cheer Captain who would NOT stop singing in the action-packed Comic Book movie.

WORST ACTOR IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE

Tobey Maguire, Spider-Man 3 - Did I mention he cries through most of the movie and gay dances like Travolta in Staying Alive for the rest of it? Also, that he sucks? Oh I did? Good. I didn’t want to forget mentioning that he sucks.

WORST EXPERIENCE IN A MOVIE THEATER

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End - Not because of the actual movie, which was slightly better than Dead Man’s Chest, owing mainly to the Godzilla on Tokyo levels of kick ass rampage that is Chow Yun Fat, Keira Knightley in Asian Pirate fetish wear and Orlando Bloom getting dead, but because of how unbelievably long the movie was in relation to how much I had to pee. I was in the center row center seat of a sold out 400 seat theater and had to go pretty hard starting in minute 17. It was not pleasant. Here was a brief summary of events.

17:00 - Damn, gotta yazzer. I think can hold it, it doesn’t seem too bad.

24:00 - Maybe loosen the belt loop up one.

32:00 - Might be wrong about this. . .

46:00 - Shifty.

58:00 - Crap all, there’s ninety more minutes left!! How much more “Yargh-ing” can they do?

1:05:00 - Yayayayayayayayayay.

1:17:00 - If I hold my junk any more people are gonna think I’m actually enjoying the movie. Must be strong.

1:29:00 - And there goes the belt and top button.

1:46:00 - Starting to get numb.

1:53:00 - Slouchy slouchy, calm the belly.

2:06:00 - JUST FUCKING END ALREADY!!!!! Awesome effects and all, but can we just kill the Bloom already so I can save my kidneys?

2:15:00 - And my pants are officially off.

2:36:00 - Thank Jeebus it’s over. I survived. Eye of the Tiger saved me again!

2:45:00 - I will RAIN FIRE on you Valley bitches if you don’t leave the theater FUCKING FASTER!

2:49:00 - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

2:53:00 - Wait. Waitwait. Ye… wha… more… AHHHHHHH!

2:56:00 - Jimmy Dugan ain’t got nuthin on me!

THE TAINTED MEMORIES AWARD A.K.A. WORST SEQUEL OF THE YEAR

Live Free or Die Hard - Psych! Trick award, fools. This movie ruled! I was skeptical. I thought it would be a whole bunch of man ass. But it turned out to be a whole bunch of man awesome (yeah, that just happened). I was cool with bald McClane. I was cool with him Supermannig the fighter jet. I was cool with villainous plot. I was SuperCool with Mary Elizabeth Winstead. And I was Super-Sized cool with Maggie Q. Hell, I was even straight with Mac Guy Sidekick (which bodes well for Villa De La Beouf in Indy 4). I missed a Hans-level bad guy and I hated John not dropping F-bombs everywhere, but kids, it could have been A LOT worse.

MOST UNFORTUNATE THIRD ACT FLOP OF THE YEAR

I Am Legend - So how come the Fresh Prince left his interesting character study to walk onto the set of a bad Sci-Fi network zombie flick? Did the producers refuse to let him drop a “Ah, hell no!”? Were they blocking him from getting jiggy with it? These are things we need to know!

MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIE OF THE YEAR

TMNT - Sarah Michelle Gellar should never be prominently involved with ANYTHING from my childhood ever again. I swear to Xenu I will burn my Buffy box set if she even blinks in the direction of Cheetarah and the Thundercats. Dude, I miss Ninja Rap. (Go ninja! Go ninja! Go!)

EIGHTH SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE A.K.A MOST SURPRISING PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR

Ben Affleck, Director, Gone Baby Gone - A subtle, powerful, beautifully photographed debut from the man who was the bomb in Phantoms, yo! I never had my doubts that he’d be a good movie director, but I never imagined he’d be that good. Wisely letting Ed Harris chew the scenery like they were yesterday’s egg bagels. Shooting close-ups all over the preternaturally pretty Michelle Monaghan. The brilliant credits sequence that established the reality of the Boston streets better than Mystic River could even dream of. Not to mention pulling an Oscar-worthy performance out of Amy Ryan. And that’s before talking about Morgan Freeman’s nuanced work and Casey Affleck’s surprise work as a commanding leading man. I’d love to have The Fleck in front of camera again, but I just may want him to stay behind it, more.

WEIRDEST MOVIE COUPLE OF THE YEAR

Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts, Charlie Wilson’s War - There’s just something inherently creepy watching the Pretty Woman grab Forrest Gump’s ass. And something totally gross seeing Erin Brockovich and the voice of Woody, post-coital. I usually love seeing mega-stars onscreen together. But in this case I just wanted it to go away so I could see Phillip Seymour Hoffman cuss some more.

THE JOHN TRAVOLTA AWARD FOR ONE TIME BIG NAMED ACTOR WHO IS SOOOO OVER!

Anthony Hopkins - He’s now repeating himself worse than Tommy Lee Jones, and I’m pretty sure Tommy Lee Jones was actually credited as playing “Tommy Lee Jones” in that last Paul Haggis travesty. Ryan Gosling blew him off the screen in Fracture. It wasn’t even close. The Washington Generals put up more of a fight than Hopkins did. And with Anton Chigurh taking Hannibal’s mantle of most awesome screen villain we secretly love, what does Hopkins have to play for? Time to pack it in and start considering begging Aaron Sorkin to do a Welsh version of The West Wing.

THE “YES, YES YOU’RE BOTH HOT, NOW SHUT UP AND GO AWAY” AWARD

Tie - Jessica Alba and Scarlet Johansson - I was thinking about this the other day while I was checking Alba off the list of girls I am attracted to (The Jay does not date girls with baggage. And by “baggage” I mean “intentional career-boosting celeb babies fathered by doofy civilians”), when was the last time either girl gave pop culture anything worthwhile beyond an occasional sex-A magazine photo spread? Match Point belonged to Woody Allen. And The Prestige was about Bale and Jackman. Lost in Translation was nearly five years ago. As for Alba, she was the worst thing about a bad FF sequel. She did a Dane Cook movie this year. Which, hello, pretty much forces me to stricken from the record her bra and panties work in Idle Hands. And she refused to go topless playing a stripper in a graphic novel adaptation. In my boy mind, they are both dead to me until one of them drops an intentional nipple in an indie flick or I get more from them than lame-ass Paul Walker action flicks and sub par Woody Allen movies.

THE “WHO CARES?” AWARD FOR THE MOVIE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WANTED TO SEE

Rush Hour 3 - Did anyone in the world need more of this nonsense? Did anyone in the world even notice than Chris Tucker dropped off the face of the Earth? Does anyone in the world really care about the words coming out of their mouths?

THE OFFICIAL “JANEANE GAROFALO PLEASE FIRE YOUR AGENT RIGHT NOW, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, PLEASE STOP SAYING YES TO EVERY SINGLE MOVIE OFFER YOU GET” AWARD

Nicolas Cage - I’ve already written at length about the CageMatch this year, so I’ll keep this brief. Nic should only make really absurd indie movies and National Treasure sequels. Any time someone asks him to play anyone with long hair, superpowers, a dysfunctional family not played for laughs, or a guy that has to say the words “Why’d it get burned?”, he should run the other way. Fast. Fast enough to rip his toupee off.

THE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT AWARD FOR BEING THERE AND HAVING DONE THAT

The Heartbreak Kid - Yes yes, we get it Ben Stiller, you are neurotic and awkward with insanely hot, out of your league girls. Stop complaining about having to bang a batshit crazy Malin Akerman before you turn into the Simian-looking older man version of Zach Braff. And as for the Farrelly Brothers, unless Matt Damon has a mortgage payment and agrees to a Stuck On You sequel, ya’ll can STFU and put down the movie camera. Gross out comedies haven’t been popular since Jason Biggs. And Jason Biggs was never popular.

BEST INTERSPECIES EROTICA SCENE

Phillip Seymour Hoffman doggstyling Marissa Tomei, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead - More on this in a moment…

BEST EXCUSE TO WILLINGLY HAND OVER TEN DOLLARS

Tie - Keri Russell in Waitress and Megan Fox in Transformers - My number one celebrity crush (despite having a half civilian half celebrity baby… a celivibaby?), was beyond reason fantastic playing a small town pie maker. I could watch her whisk chocolate for eight life times. And I could listen to her banter with Nathan Fillion in that wonderfully lyrical cadence until I ruined the spindles on my ears like a ten year old VHS player.

And as for Megan Fox, um, well, look at her:

BEST USE OF GRATUITOUS (BUT COMPLETELY LAUDED BY EVERY GEEK ON THE INTERNET) NUDITY BY A BIG NAME ACTRESS THAT EVERY MALE UNDER FORTY HAS BEEN DYING TO SEE NAKED

Marissa Tomei, Before the Devil Knows Your Dead - She was always a hottie, but never in that “I MUST see her nipples immediately” kind of way. She was more sultry sexy. Jersey sexy. The kind of sexy where we dug seeing her in purple lycra showing how her biological clock is “ticking like this” or sweetly falling for Christian Slater and his untamed pig heart, but never where we would drive twenty miles out of our way on the rumor that she went topless in a Gothic Southern flick directed by Sam Raimi. So how were we to know how utterly delicious she looked without her clothes on? And after all these years, even! Her body was so smokin hot its mere presence negated the retina-searing image PSH throw his freckled ass all over the medium shot. Hell, it might be the only acceptable reason to ever see PSH’s ass. Lemme put it this way… Marissa Tomei in Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead was eight Megan Fox’s hotter than Diane Lane in Unfaithful. True Story.

BEST REASON TO HAVE YOUR OWN POP CULTURE SITE TO MAKE FUN OF STUFF

Getting to drop the post title “Alvin and the Shitmunks” and make my mom laugh at it.

THE 2007 FILM I WILL NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE SEE. EVER.

P.S. I Love You - Which I believe I’ve already covered.

MY FAVORITE MOVIE POSTERS OF THE YEAR

THE JAY’S PICKS FOR THE BEST “B” MOVIES OF 2007

Let’s drop some math to explain these:

1. Shooter - Marky Mark + Smart Action x Kate Mara in a see-thru shirt = The Very Definition of Awesome Sunday Afternoon TNT New Classic.

2. Superbad - “Fellashe” + The Jay = Overused movie quote of the year.

3. Ocean’s Thirteen - George Clooney’s Stache / No Julia Roberts x Matt Damon’s Nose - Don Cheadle in an Evel Knievel costume = Crap in a can, that threequel rocked!

4. Balls of Fury - Maggie Q in booty shorts + Christopher Walken imitating Christopher Walken = A missed opportunity for greatness, but thanks all the same for giving Jason Scott Lee some work.

5. Shoot Em Up - Clive Owen with guns + Monica Bellucci with tits + Paul Giamatti with villainy = Geek Splooge.

THE FIVE WORST PIECES OF CRAP I SAW IN 2007

1. Spider-Man 3.
2. Vacancy
3. The Reaping
4. Ghost Rider
5. License To Wed

And finally…

THE JAY’S TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2007

1. Atonement
2. No Country For Old Men
3. The Bourne Ultimatum
4. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
5. Waitress
6. Juno
7. The Darjeeling Limited
8. Gone Baby Gone
9. Hairspray
10. There Will Be Blood

Bangarang!