The hope is that reading this list will help you to learn more about Jason Matthews (aka “The Jay’). It shouldn’t be an exercise in bashing my taste. Cause we all like some really bad pop culture (hey Keanu!), and no one should be judged by their guilty pleasures. The idea is not for me to tell you what to like or what you should think. I’m not making a case that my list is any better or valid than any of the other indulgent Best Of The Decade lists (which all suck) that are overloading the Internet right now. I didn’t pick these movies to make you think I’m some cool, with it know-it-all. Frankly, all that doesn’t matter to me.

I’m simply saying, for me, these were the ones that mattered. For whatever it’s worth.

40 – Mean Girls

Was the catalyst for the rise (and fall) of Lindsey Lohan: failed actress, successful tabloid whore, ginger person; introduced the world to Rachel McAdams; tried to make “fetch” happen. This movie had a lot going on.

39 – Collateral

Tom Cruise is more fun to watch as a villain. Consider: Magnolia, Interview with a Vampire, Tropic Thunder, Vanilla Sky. Wait, he wasn’t the villain in Vanilla Sky? But then why was he trying to eat my soul with his mis-aligned upper teeth, serial killer mask and frightening intensity?

38 – High Fidelity

Lloyd Dobler grew up, got way into music and became a manic-depressive. A happy ending? Not quite. But it did result in a smart, hyper-literal movie with Tim Robbins getting a long-deserved beat down, totes supes CZJ side boob, Lisa Bonet singfucking us some Peter Frampton, Jack Black being actually funny instead of the not funny he’s become, the obliges John Cusack standing forlornly in the rain shot and maybe the hottest sex scene of the 2000’s (starring, shocker, Tim Robbins).

37 – Juno

Is it obnoxious writing? Yes. (I considered writing ‘honest to blog there, but didn’t really want to throw up on my keyboard, so you know.) Is Ellen Page too precocious by half? Correct. Is what the movie has to say kinda offensive? Pretty much. But I can’t take away the amazing work done by Jason Bateman, Jen Garner (her scene in the mall is a killer) and Allison Janney. And any movie that makes its male lead a Cross Country and Track star is all right by me.

36 – Old School

“He’s gonna do one!” Nuff said.

35 – Unbreakable

The best comic book origin movie that you didn’t realize was actually a comic book origin movie ever. I miss M. Night’s fastball.

34 – Atonement

If only for the score, the library sex scene and BRIIIIOOOOONNNNYYY! Also? Everything else about this movie.

33 – Moulin Rouge!

I can sing both parts of Elephant Love Medley by heart, nine years later. That has to count for something.

32 – Sideways

I hated this movie for a long, long time. And I can’t forgive the movie for causing a fungal rash of sad bastard men movies to be made (mostly all starring Paul Giamatti or PSH, obvs). But the movie got people into wine, my favorite hobby, and shined a light on Santa Barbara Wine Country, my favorite place in the world. And despite my issues with the story, THIS is amazing writing:

“I like to think about the life of wine. How it’s a living thing. I like to think about what was going on the year the grapes were growing; how the sun was shining; if it rained. I like to think about all the people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it’s an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I like how wine continues to evolve, like if I opened a bottle of wine today it would taste different than if I’d opened it on any other day, because a bottle of wine is actually alive. And it’s constantly evolving and gaining complexity. That is, until it peaks, like your ’61. And then it begins its steady, inevitable decline. …And it tastes so fucking good.”

31 – The Queen

A stunning picture, credits to credits. Gets extra credit for making me want to do to horrifyingly sexual things to a septuagenarian. (What? Helen Mirren is HOT. #fact)

30 – The Bourne Ultimatum

For the Waterloo Station sequence alone.

29 – Mission Impossible 3

Secretly the best action movie of the decade. And easily one of the best action movie teasers of all-time.

28 – Pride and Prejudice

The film that made me turn the corner on Keira Knightley. It’s a beautiful adaptation, has the most sweeping camera work, and the ensemble brings it with powerful yet subtle acting. Loved this movie.

27 – The Perfect Score

A perfect 80’s teen movie, twenty years too late.

26 – The Blind Side

The best movie of 2009. And it’s not even close. Saw it in theaters twice, cried both times. The best work Sandy has ever done, and she’s done a lot of great work. Hollywood doesn’t make movies like this anymore, but they should.

25 – Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Shane Black at his sardonic, quippy, violent action best, RoDoJu bringing the funny, Val tapping into his Real Genius performance, AND Michelle Monaghan topless? How was this movie not a GIANT success?

24 – Zoolander

The movie I have quoted the most this decade. It isn’t a particularly good movie, but there’s not a person I know who doesn’t, every so often, cough lightly in public and say “I have the black lung, pop”.

23 – Taken

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”*

*Gets extra credit for being the only time I went to the Bridge Cinema and didn’t have the worst movie-going experience in my life. What is WRONG with those people? Take your idiot conversations, text messaging and general hooliganery OUT of the theater. There are people trying to watch Liam Neeson kill foreigners here!

22 – The Core

Quite possibly the dumbest disaster movie Hollywood has ever put out, and that includes the one where Dennis Quaid runs away from weather, but I can’t help but love something that knows how stupid it actually is. And I can’t help but be charmed by a movie that has its hero pitch a full-on temper tantrum AT his love interest. That takes balls.

21 – Iron Man

The most fun of any blockbuster in the last ten years. Gets props for casting RoDoJu right off of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, when no one thought he had a Franchise in him. Made Gwyneth Paltrow fun again (no easy feat). And the scene of Stark testing out the flying mechanism in his workshop is an underrated special effects stunner.

20 – Minority Report

If for this scene alone:

You may weep now.

19 – The Aviator

As someone who has fought (and occasionally won) the battle of obsessive-compulsive disorder, I can relate to this film on a molecular level. And I could watch Leonardo dress down Cate Blanchett every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

“Don’t you ever talk talk down to me! You’re a movie star, nothing more!”

18 – No Country For Old Men

Was the Best Picture in the best year for Best Pictures of the decade. And putting this here means I get to link to my Javier Bardem Oscar post, one of my favorite things I’ve ever written. Done!

17 – Ocean’s Eleven

A compulsively watchable flick, the best star cast of the decade, an instant TNT New Classic and just plain, good old-fashioned fun. Brad Pitt eating in every scene, the wink wink lame ‘happily ever after’ kiss at the end, Julia emailing in her performance, “Whisky and a whisky”, the all of the everything that is Topher Grace and Matt Damon FINALLY making me like him (if not so much his pig nose).

16 – Catch Me If You Can

Some of the best work Spielberg has done in two decades, and it all feels tossed off, making me love it all the more. Haunting, genuine work by Christopher Walken (not easy at this point, if you think about it), the best knock knock joke ever, a game Tom Hanks, my favorite opening credits of the decade and Leo being Leo. There’s something about D-Cap’s work in the 2000’s that hit me hard. He played guys missing answers and trying desperately to find them, which I heart. You’ll notice that starts to be a recurring theme from here on out.

15 – Punch Drunk Love

A mesmerizing movie, if only for the pillow talk.

14 – Mr. & Mrs. Smith

The schadenfreude alone qualifies the movie for Best Ever status. Smith has no business being good, considering its troubled production, and the fact that the movie could have just put a close up on Brangelina’s faces for two hours and called it a day and we would have ate it up, and yet it is. Very good, in fact. The Brad on Angelina fight was fantastic, the freeway gunfight with Truths Revealed sequence was electrifying (“Art?” “History! It’s reputable.”), Vince Vaughn was stellar, Adam Brody got beat up (counts for a LOT), and I can’t get enough of Brad telling Angelina she “looked like Christmas morning”. I’m on Team Aniston, for the real, but this movie almost makes up for her trauma.

13 – Bring It On

The Citizen Kane of cheerleader movies. Also, the only movie Kirsten Dunst has EVER been likable in. And, um, hello, Eliza Dushku in a bikini, washing cars. My work here is done.

12 – Kill Bill ½

Part 1 is ultra-badass, Part 2 is exhilarating filmmaking. Would rank higher if QT had taken out the anime sequence (not interested, thanks), reduced the time Uma was trapped in a coffin (my greatest fear), and eased back on the foot fetish. We get it, Uma has great toes! Can we get back to the swords and exploitation now?

11 – The Notebook

I get that I’m a guy and therefore shouldn’t have this on my list. But you can’t tell me this wasn’t a seminal movie of the decade. That it didn’t change things. You can’t. Gosling and McAdams were the most watchable lovers in any movie of the last ten years. Period. I loved this movie the first time I saw it, and when I rewatched it again for this list, you know what I found out about my love for it? It wasn’t over. It’s still not over!

/makes out with this movie in the rain

10 – X-Men

I saw this movie in theaters five times, maybe the most I have ever seen any movie in the theaters. The movie is not without issues: the ending is small, Halle Berry is atrocious, Anna Paquin makes me Ralph and the pace is like an injured turtle. But man alive, Hugh Jackman’s arms. Hugh freaking Jackman’s. Arms.

Please excuse me while I go do 150 push-ups.

9 – Garden State

I make no apologies for this movie. It’s trendy to bash Garden State because of the weak, cliché writing, but you know what all you people? Go fuck yourself. This movie is GREAT. The Coldplay, the slow motion zooms, the WIDE establishing shots, the Natalie Portman, what’s not to like? Guys ding this movie unfairly because they are jealous Zach Braff got to make out with Natalie Portman in the rain, which is (not so) secretly our greatest wish in life. But we need to get over ourselves. And wannabe filmmakers hate this movie because they believe they could do it better. But if they could, they would, and they haven’t. Braff may be a King Douche, but he gets credit for doing it. And the doing is the whole point.

8 – The Royal Tenenbaums

Wes Anderson, irritating storytelling warts and all, is a singular voice in American filmmaking. This is his best work, and it’s not even close.

“The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. “Vámonos, amigos,” he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.”

7 – Wedding Crashers

Any film that opens with a ten minute montage of partying, bare boobs, cake and great dialogue, and then gives us Walken being an oddball, McAdams being luminous, Jane Seymour MILF-ing it up, Bradley Cooper playing a character named Sack Lodge, and the everything of the all that is the stage-5 clinger Isla Fisher, with a truly hilarious Will Ferrell cameo to boot, automatically makes me Top Movies of the Decade list. Hey, I don’t make the rules, I just obey them. So no excuses, play like a champion.

6 – Anchorman

I submit to you the following:

Any questions?

5. Brick

It could be the dialogue. It could be the style. It could be the camera work. It could be the score. But really, it’s about the journey. Of a guy looking for answers. A guy who refuses to just leave it be. A guy who needs to know. And who pays the price for that information.

4 – Harry Potter 3 and 5

Parts one and two are kids movies. Four is easy to digest mainstream snore. Six is too insular for its own good. But 3 and 5, Prisoner of Azkaban and Order of the Phoenix? They’re about something. They have something to say. They are filmmaking of the highest order. Two harsh, magnificent, brutal chapters in the life of a tragic boy, who wants nothing more than to be normal, happy and loved, and continues to suffer for wanting those things and having the gall to ask for them.

It’s easy to write this franchise off because of its popularity, but never forget that this is a story of a boy whose parents were murdered, a boy being hunted down every moment of his life, a boy with the literal world on his shoulders, a boy who can relate to no one, but who never backs down for a fight and will stop at nothing to protect those he cares about, even if it means dying. Let’s see Team Bella do that.

3 – Spartan

I’m a doer. I see a job that needs to get done, I do it. No complaints, no questions. I will go to the ends of the Earth to make it happen. Spartan is a movie made for people like me. Gripping, intense, honorable and the best Mamet dialogue an aspiring playwright could ask for.

And if you ever wanted to pull life advice from a movie, this is the movie to do it.

“You had your whole life to prepare for this moment. Why aren’t you ready?”

“The hardest thing, y’know what it is? It isn’t going in the door, it’s coming out.”

“Why would I want to know? I ain’t a planner, I ain’t a thinker. I never wanted to be. You got to set your motherfucker to receive. Listen to me. They don’t go through the door, we don’t ask why. That’s not a cost, it’s benefit. Because we get to travel light. They tell me where to go. Tell me what to do when I get there.”

2 – The 25th Hour

I tend to respond the most to movies about conflicted characters reflecting on their past, trying to figure out where things went wrong, and considering how to fix it going forward. This is the finest version of that story.

I dream of writing something as beautiful as the last ten minutes:

1 – Before Sunset

I look at my Top Ten and I see a pattern. And the pattern is me. We love movies for all sorts of reasons, but the ones that matter to us, tend to matter for one specific reason. Their story, in a fashion, is our story.

I started this decade as a freshman in College. All optimism, energy and naïveté. I was a hopeless romantic, with not an ounce of practicality. I had done nothing, but believed I felt everything. I end this decade a professional. I am hardened, realistic, unlike that 18 year-old boy in every way. I spent ten years searching for answers. Trying to discover the right path to happiness. And I haven’t found it yet. But I can look back, see the course of my life and understand how things fit. Why they went the way they did. Why I am here, in this place, in this moment, today. Which is good.

But that doesn’t mean I like it. And it doesn’t mean I accept it.

Before Sunset is that story. Tracking your life across a long span, deciphering the choices made, from love to career to everything else. Seeing so clearly how it all went down, but being powerless to alter things for the better. And then, in the most perfect cinematic way, two people are given a second chance. They are given an opportunity to get it right, this time, knowing now what they wish they knew then. And it’s on them to make it happen.

Before Sunset is an escape in the best way possible. It’s fun imagining I’m Neo or Riggs or John McClane or the guys from Wedding Crashers, shooting guns, being a hero, getting laid, etc. But it’s better, and more fulfilling, to imagine getting that second chance. To imagine saying all the right things in all the right ways to the right person. And hearing them say all the right things back to you.

It’s a movie about hope, the one thing I take with me the most into the new decade. The hope that I will figure it out. The hope that I won’t need that second chance, because when it counts, I will get it right the first time.

Movies are and always have been my education. I learn who I am from what I watch. These 40 movies, more than any others, taught me the most about myself this decade. And I will take the knowledge I have gained into the next decade and try to better myself, little by little, every day.

I am smarter, stronger, kinder, and more able to survive and thrive. What’s the job? Find me. I’ve had my whole life to prepare for this moment.

I am ready.

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

It’s OK that you had no one special in your life on Valentine’s Day. It’s OK that you weren’t shelling out insane amounts of money to take someone to a fancy restaurant and pay for bland food from a prixe fix menu. It’s OK that that cute boy or cute girl turned you down, broke up with you, or doesn’t know you exist. It’s OK to be on your own.

I am. I spend Valentine’s Day pouring wine for 50 couples and then went to a play with some friends, came home and watched Jonas Bros (no “the” anymore) ruin Alec Baldwin’s SNL. And you know what? It was excellent. Well, not the Jonas Bros part, obvs.

My point is this: It’s all going to be OK. Know how I know that?

Because this guy:

Is engaged to this girl:

And this guy:

Is engaged to this girl:

Do you see? Anything is possible. And nothing matters, not even looks, when you’re funnysmartandgreat (Britney said that shit, and she can make a dance floor into a circus, so you know it’s true.). Be your great, geeky self and fantastic people will come into your life.

And it’s not just geeky guys. All my geekettes out there, Tina Fey is not making myths. Check out who Jon Hamm is with in real life:

If that butterface can snag the most handomest handsome that ever handsomed, there is hope for anyone.

But, just so you don’t think I’m setting outrageously unattainable expectations about the dating world, let me clarify: realign your expectations, you will not be dating Christina Hendricks or Jon Hamm anywhere in the near future.

Even in real life, people who look like this still end up together:

Look: I have no allusions that Natalie Portman and I will bump into each other on the street and it’ll be like that Mad About You episode where Paul and Jamie Buchman had never met and when they saw each other they just knew, and he goes “Let’s go home” and they live happily sitcom-ed ever after (her malignant forehead, notwithstanding). That ain’t happening. But I’m not gonna dwell on my singledom, either. And neither should you.

But in a world where David Spade knocked up a Playboy Playmate, David Silver is banging Megan Fox, Julia Roberts once married Lyle Lovett and Jimmy Fallon married an old person, it’s time we take a page not from ludicrous Kate Hudson romcoms, but from (celeb)reality. And to consider that though he’s just not into you, maybe you’re just not into that douche, either.

How about we just pull a Kelly Taylor and choose ourselves? Look how well that worked for her: she got addicted to coke, burned in a fire, recruited by a cult, shot in the stomach, nearly killed by Tracy Middendorf, knocked up and then ditched and now works for her old High School. But she looks FABulous.

And if you’re still down about a having had a lonely V-Day, let me end with this: guys, at least you’re not this fucker, and girls, at least you’re not dating him.

See? Things are already looking up.

Bangarang!

According to a recent British study, SMG’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer is being cited as a catalyst for 50,000 women converting to Paganism. 50,000! Because of SMG and a wooden stick! I mean, I get that David Boreanaz proves there is no God, and Eliza Dushku proves there are angels living amongst us, but paganism? Where did they get that bullshit? Because it’s a show about female empowerment, women of the world start believing in Wicca? Uh… hu-what? Neve Campbell and a Smiths song couldn’t pull off that trick, but for some reason SMG, her jacked up nose and a few witty bon mots about vampires pulls it off?

Whatever boats your float, I guess.

But ANYway… that’s not what this post is about. A celebrity has caused 50,000 people to convert to a nonsense religion. If that isn’t a cause for an old school TheJay.com list post, I don’t know what is. So, without further ado, because Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn’t deserve any more bandwidth, and really she has her own problems, what with not being able to open a Direct-to-DVD movie, her husband becoming a writer for the WWE of all places, and you know, nobody actually liking her, I present to you “Other Religious Conversions Caused By Celebrities”.

List time!

- Lindsay Lohan converted 8,000 confused teenage girls in into Fauxmosexuals.

- Kirsten Dunst is responsible for the mass conversion to Dentalism.

- Tom Cruise converted the nation, minus 70k or so, to ANY OTHER religion but Scientology.

- Reese Witherspoon sold a million people’s souls to the Devil, as is her silent profession. Forty thousand more and she gets a free set of steak knives and a $27 million opening weekend to her next “romantic” “comedy”.

- SJP has converted 32 unfortunate souls to Horsefaceism. Amanda Peet has not been the same since.

- Angelina Jolie converted Brad Pitt into a wet blanket.

- Matthew McConaughey is going door to door, personally banging the doctrine’s of Alright-ianity into every above average female in Southern California. And yes, this holy ceremony is done shirtless. Brewski’s are also involved.

- Michael Phelps has converted exactly no one into “You-can’t-swim-as-fast-as-me-ism”, cause seriously, no one can swim as fast as him. One time, at the downtown Y, he lapped God. True story.

- Matthew Broderick has been trying to convert people away from religion. He doesn’t believe in “isms”. He thinks people should believe in themselves. But then, he married SJP, so what the eff does Ferris know, anyway?

- Natalie Portman probably converted a whole bunch of dudes to Judaism. I don’t have a joke here, I just imagine that’s the only way for her goyim fanbase to potentially snag her. That, and being a dirty hippie who makes bad music. She loves those douchebags.

- Mel Gibson converted a whole many people into Catholics. Then, later, a whole lot more into anti-Mel Gibson-ites.

- Michael Bay bows down to the God of Explosions. And since Megan Fox is one his congregants, this might be a viable alternative for me if this whole Judaism thing doesn’t work out.

- And of course, Shia LaBeouf converted himself from nice, upstanding young boy to the religion of Drunken LIARS! …oh SHIA!

Bangarang!

Excuse me for a moment…

/weeps into my own shoulder.

Sorry, I’m back. Just a human moment, happens to everyone. I’m ready to talk about this calmly and rationally.

OK, so, sales are are about a million off pace, relative to what they spent (though, to give context, the cover of Nicole Ritchie and her pet child sold only 26 total copies, and one was to my Mother, so 2.5 mil copies for Knox and Vivienne ain’t too bad). And it looks, totes sadly, like People Magazine will lose money on their risky “exploitation of celebrity newborn” gambit, which worked so well the first time Brangelina premiered a golden (caucasian) child. I guess this means we can go ahead and consider the twins a bunch of tiny, new failures. Ah, sadface smiley.

Maybe that slacker, hippy toddler, Ryder Russell Robinson, can console them.

Owing to such a momentous mild disappointment, explanations and excuses have been flying back and forth. But as we all know, I have no interest in official explanations. It’s far more fun to postulate, speculate, ruminate and insult…tate. So to that end, here are my…

10 Reasons Why The Pitt-Jolie Twins People Magazine Cover Isn’t Selling Well

10- What the hell is on Brad’s face? Is that a… goatee? He realizes this isn’t 1997 anymore, right?

9- Yeah, yeah, good for the hot mega stars having sex and making babies. Whoop de doo. Did you hear Kelly Bundy has breast cancer? How awful is that.

8- Knox, really? No one on earth has ever cared about anything named Knox. And unless Levi Jeans McConaughey is getting his toddler mack on with Vivienne, I’m bored of this chick already.

7- Residual Shia crushed-hand worry consuming the nation’s interest in Celebreality.

6- Wait a second! The heavy girl from Hairspray beat the shit out of an America’s Next Top Model contestant? At an airport in the Caribbean? Over seats in the lounge? And we don’t have footage of this? And they all went to foreign JAIL?! Sweet sassy molassey, I need me some hourly updates on this, supes pronto!

5- Customers from rural areas of the country not sure what the big deal is about that goofy cowboy guy from Thelma & Louise and the weird, knife-carrying girl from Tomb Raider popping out a couple of kids.

4- Go Team Aniston!

3- America is finally realizing that Violet Affleck is the sleeper hit of the Baby Draft.

2- Dude, we all know that Angelina Jolie is only interesting when she’s holding a gun and wearing raccoon eyeliner.

1- Um, they’re babies. Seriously, they already had four of these things. It’s not like they released a sex tape, or got married, or traded the underperforming Pax Thien for Suri Cruise. Let’s get real. Someone tap me on the shoulder when one of these exalted poop machines cures Cancer; until then, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna worry about things that actually matter, like Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams maybe getting back together (which: whoa!).

Bangarang!

Within minutes of the first squinch of tremor, the statuses arrived. My favorite came from my younger brother, who, as a native of LA and survivor of the 1994 Northridge Earthquake is nonplussed by anything less than a solid 6.0. His status post-quake read: “[The Jay's Little Brother] was just woken up from the world’s most boring Earthquake.” Let it never be said that the snark gene was isolated solely to my branch of the family tree.

Once I had gone through my group and gained assurance that all concerned were safe and sound, my mind turned to the other important group of people in my life: celebrities. How are they doing post-Chino Hills 5.4? Did their faces shake, too, or did the Botox do its job? Did half the A-list immediately book flights to Cabo for a quickie “relaxation/cheap whores and blow” vacay? I had to know.

So I went around Facebook and checked to see how everyone was holding up. This is what I found:

Michael Bay just found his Act 3 reason for more ‘splosions!!!!

Simon Cowell 5.4? How pathetic.

Shannen Doherty wants to take a pen to the Earthquake’s larynx. How FUCKING DARE it make Shannen FUCKING Doherty walk out of step!

Colin Farell in a doorway. Getting head. Tuesdays!

Mel Gibson thinks fucking Jews were responsible for all the quakes on Earth.

Katherine Heigl is blaming the quake on the writers. The Earth wasn’t given enough… material to stay still.

Paris Hilton I had to use the stairs (for the first time EVAR!1!). That’s poor person hot!

Katie Holmes is SECURITY IS DOWN FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES. Get here quick!!!

Keanu Reeves is whoa’ed

Shia LaBeaouf hopes the world stops spinning soon. It’s been 3 dayz alreadys!!1

Matthew McConaughey was stoked and wowd he was riding a wave during the righteous planet rumble. gave him a wicked kick to his barrel role. god bless geology.

Heidi Montag is putting on make-up. Totally candid Earthquake Victims Recovery photoshoot in 13 mins…

Sarah Jessica Parker is all shook up in the saddle. Neeeigh.

Brad Pitt knows Angie will think this is a sign to move to Cambodia and buy more brown kids.

Jessica Simpson feels no one told me the Earth could, like, MOVE!

Britney Spears is shaked, ya’ll..

Bangarang!

The award itself has always gotten way too much press for no particular reason (cause who’s judging this thing, Perez Hilton?), and the distinction is pretty arbitrary (after all, Nick Nolte has one of these). It’s usually nothing more than an opportunity to go on Letterman and make fun of the other guys in the running (this was the sole reason Clooney won last year), and since that’s not even possible this year, the award is especially meaningless. But I guess I gotta be happy for Matt Damon (MATT DAMON!). Bourne Ultimatum was a sweet, sweet flick, he was enjoyable in a rejuvenated Ocean’s Thirteen, he does a hilarious Matthew McConaughey impression and it just makes karmic sense that if Affleck has one of these, Damon needs one too.

And just for funsies:

But what really interests me is not why Damon won, but why everyone else didn’t. So I compiled a list of potential cover boys and tried to come up with a solid excuse for why each of them lost to the star of Stuck On You. Here’s what I came up with:

Brad Pitt – Sexiest Man Alive status called into question as his face is looking more and more like a leather sofa with a bit too much water damage.

Ben Affleck – After already having won the award, did his BFF a favor by graciously bowing out of the race and instead focusing on tagging his hot spy wife, raising his kid, making the best crime drama of the last half decade, and not being a tool. Was a wise choice.

Benicio Del Toro – Maybe if this was People’s “Most Disheveled Man Alive” Award.

Dane Cook – Was in the running until the judges looked at a picture of him, and immediately horked the chicken caeser wraps they had for lunch.

Mark Wahlberg – Did not have a movie to promote, so hence did not win. Also, layout artists for the mag were worried they wouldn’t be able to fit his gihugenormous maw on the cover and no one wanted to fit the bill for a double fold. However, if his M. Night Shyamalan flick scores big next summer, you’re looking at the 2008 winner.

Tom Cruise – Not with that new pageboy haircut he’s rocking. Also, still batshit crazy, which is a rather unavoidable sexiness detraction.

Jonah Hill – Deserved serious consideration if only for coining the mighty phrase “fellashe”, which I totally ninja yoinked from Superbad.

Antonio Banderas - No, no, too sexy, TOO SEXY!

Daniel Radcliffe – A shoo-in for the 2010 crown after he throws down with Voldemort and swerves on surprise hottie “Your Wands To Measly For” Ginny Weasley, in the Deathly Hallows movie,.

Seth Rogen – He tagged Katherine Hiegl in Knocked Up and become an international star; at this point, anything is possible. He could win Mr. Olympia and I wouldn’t be surprised. I’d just be like: “Good Front Lat Spread, sloppy guy who inexplicably nailed Izzie Stevens and learned a valuable, but only slightly funny, lesson in responsibility.”.

Ben Stiller – Simian-looking comedians with an ever-decreasing oeuvre of quality movies need not apply.

Justin Timberlake – Judgment of sexiness still in question from his decision to journey through Cameron Diaz’s Hugemongus Mouth for an extended period of time. Recent excursions through Scarlet Johansson Ave. and Jessica Biel Blvd. are a step in the right direction, though. A quick jaunt through Jessica Alba Lane and he’ll be on the fast track for the 2009 crown.

Jason Statham – Kickass bald action stars get no respect.

Bruce Willis – See above.

Patrick Dempsey – Taken off the list when voters remembered how bloody intolerable and douchebaggy Dr. McDreamy was last season on Grey’s. He should have let Meredith drown.

Jake Gyllenhaal – This isn’t a contest for The Advocate, let’s get real.

Hilary Swank – Not technically a man. Though I’ve never actually seen evidence proving that fact.

Tim Riggins – Too drunk to remember to submit his application. Also, too busy playing Y Tu Mama Tambien with Jason Street and Lyla Garrity.

Samuel L. Jackson – I blame those motherfucking snakes on that motherfucking plane, cause no one has ever looked sexier chaining a sex-crazed Christina Ricci to a radiator, whilst rocking a bald head and grey mutton chops. Okay, maybe Esquire’s Sexiest Woman on the Planet (seriously?), Charlize Theron, for the five minutes in Monster before you realized you just could NOT get past the fact that she was playing a psychotic she-bitch with bad teeth and a Britney pooch.

Criss Angel – Douchebag manscara wearers need not apply. Also, too much skeevy association with wrecked blonde girls (see: Spears, Britney and Diaz, Cameron).

Peter Petrelli – Would have been an awesome choice, despite being fictional and currently stuck in an unwatchable season of Heroes.

Gerald Butler – Had the inside running until grumblings about his 300 abs being digitally enhanced bogged down his candidacy. When informed of the decision, Butler kicked the Editor-in-Chief of People down a large well and yelled “THEY’RE! REAL! AND! THEY’RE! SPECTAAAAAAACULAR!”

Kiefer Sutherland – Might have had a chance if his show hadn’t sucked this year, and he didn’t spend all his off-time getting ripped and jumping into Christmas trees.

Clive Owen – No idea why he didn’t win. I mean, did you see Children of Men? He survived multiple gun battles, delivered a baby, protected a mother and child in a war zone, took a bullet to the stomach and STILL rescued humanity. How is Jason Bourne cooler than that? Not to mention him tagging Monica Bellucci and pwning it up in those insane gun fights in Shoot ‘Em Up. And no one on the planet drops a “fucking cunt” bomb better than him. Which goes a long way in my book. This should have been the guy.

Orlando Bloom – Technically not considered a real “man”. But he has the Kids People “Sexiest Bland Pussy Boy Alive” Award in the bag!

Bangarang!

“A person, typically male, who says or does things that cause you to give them a ‘what-are-you-even-doing- here’ look. The ‘what-are-you-even-doing- here’ look is classified by a glare in the tool’s direction and is usually accompanied by muttering of how big of a tool they are. The tool is usually someone who is unwelcome but no one has the balls to tell them to get lost. The tool is always making comments that are out-of-place, out-of-line or just plain stupid. The tool is always trying too hard to fit in, and because of this, never will.?

Here is my definition of the term “tool”:

“Carson Daly”

Now, which of those definitions applies to Ben Affleck? I say neither.

People who watch Orlando Bloom act and find him to be bland have sufficient reason for feeling so. Fact is he’s bland; there is a void of charisma when he’s on screen. Low-minded people who think Keanu Reeves is a sucky actor could probably make a case that there have been a few bad performances in The One’s illustrious oeuvre (Dracula comes to mind). Britney detractors could form a solid argument on her lack of singing ability simply by having eyes, ears, taste and an aversion to Cheetos dust (the last one is harder than you’d think).

But where do people get off thinking Ben Affleck is a tool?

Is he the best actor in Hollywood? No, far from it (though he has gotten good reviews before, hello Changing Lanes). Has he been involved in a completely annoying celebrity couple? Absolutely, but Bennifer was no more or less intolerable than Brangelina, Vaughniston, TomKat or Nick and Jessica. Has he made way too much money starring in a slew of crappy movies? I think Forces of Nature, Surviving Christmas, Paycheck, Man About Town, Bounce, Reindeer Games and Pearl Harbor speak for themselves. But has he really done ANYTHING worthy of lumping him in with Carson Daly, K-Fed, Criss Angel and any white guy out on the town in a striped shirt? I aim to prove he hasn’t.

It’s a hard climb to the top of “Ben Affleck is NOT a tool” Mountain, so let me get the biggest obstacle out of the way right now: Gigli.

Picture this: You’re a well-known talent in Hollywood. A producer comes to you and says “Hey guy, I have a movie for you. It’s a love story between you and Jennifer Lopez where you get to make out with her on set and watch her do yoga in booty shorts. But you’re also a gangster, so you’re gritty and tough and get to rough people up. We got Al Pacino coming in to yell at you in a scene and be creepy. And we’re flying in Christopher Walken to do one of his patented loopy speeches while you writhe on the floor in pain cause he just shot you. It’ll be just like that awesome scene in True Romance. Marty Brest is directing. He’s done Beverly Hills Cop and Midnight Run, and he got Pacino his only Oscar. Also, we’re gonna pay you TEN MILLION DOLLARS!” What do you say to that? You’re saying hell yes!

So Gigli is not his fault. He’s looking a lot less tool-y now, isn’t he?

You can’t say he’s untalented. Despite what urban myths would say, he wrote an Academy Award-winning screenplay. That happened. He’s won several significant awards for acting. And his directorial debut, “Gone Baby Gone” is getting filthy good reviews. I saw it and thought it was light years better than Mystic River (mostly because at no point in the movie did anyone melodrama into the camera “IS DAT MY DADER IN DERE????”). So the only real reason you could call him a tool is because of his relationship with J. Lo. Take that way (and I’ll explain why you can in just a minute) and the only mark is a few bad movies. If making a few bad movies makes you a tool than you can slap that label on George Clooney (The Peacemaker), Matt Damon (The Legend of Bagger Vance), Johnny Depp (Secret Window), Jude Law (his entire 2004 slate), and pretty much any male actor who’s toplined a few movies in his career.

Fact is Ben Affleck gets a bad wrap because he’s a fun, funny guy who dated one wrong girl, made a few bad movies and was a bit too omnipresent a few years back. I say he’s also made a slew of great movies, always makes me laugh on SNL, learned from his mistakes and settled down away from the tabloids with a nice girl and is well-liked by all his peers. For that and the following forty reasons, I think it’s preposterous to call my boy Affleck a tool. Let me prove it to you…

35 Reasons Why Ben Affleck Is NOT A Tool

1. The man has a very good chick stock portfolio. He sold high on Gwyneth, broke even on J.Lo and picked up a very dependable Jen Garner IRA. And he was never tempted by a risky celebritard-IPO (Britney, Lindsay, Paris, Brittany Murphy).

2. Created Project Greenlight as a way to develop new filmmakers. Not his fault that the contest winners sucked balls and their movies polluted theaters and DVD shelves worse than Forces of Nature. Although Gulager was fun to watch in a rubbernecking traffic accident kind of way.

3. Nominated for a Golden Globe for his role as George Reeves in Hollywoodland. Won the Best Actor Award at the Venice Film Festival for the same performance. Not to mention getting rave reviews for his work in Changing Lanes, Shakespeare in Love, Chasing Amy and Smoking Aces. So you all can shove it with that “crappy actor” nonsense. Have you ever thought it might not be him, but instead be the movie, or the director? I swear, Ben could be Keanu’s spiritual cousin.

4. Unlike, some other fake sports bigamists (ahem, unfunny Dane Cook), Affleck is actually a TRUE fan of his favorite sports team (the Red Sox, if you didn’t know).

5. Gave us the chance to see Ed Harris and Morgan Freeman chew scenery together in Gone Baby Gone. Gotta love that.

6. He’s not nearly as skeezy or douchebaggery as Colin Farrell, a guy who’s made just as many awful movies as the Fleck (Hart’s War, Ask The Dust, Miami Vice, Alexander, American Outlaws).

7. More on the point of acting, a person’s relative talent level is fairly fact based. Either he’s good or he isn’t. But that has no relation to his relative tool level, which is entirely subjective. So he not being great in a couple of movies has no bearing on his perception of being a tool. I don’t judge Carson Daly’s toolishness on his Last Call monologue. I judge his toolery on his poser black fingernails, his manorexia, his goofball name, his propensity for dating idiots (hey Tara Reid!), and the fact that, you know, he’s a tool.

8. Can speak extemporaneously on a wide-range of topics, which makes him light years ahead of most of his Hollywood generation, and a good portion of our government officials. And by “a good portion”, I mean our President.

9. Gave his kid a relatively normal name (“Violet”). It could have been worse. His Chasing Amy co-star Jason Lee named his kid “Pilot Inspektor”. Hell, his ex named her kid “Apple”.

10. Brought his Mom to the Oscars when he won for Good Will Hunting. That’s class, kids, c’mon!

11. Made a tightly-constructed, soulful, gripping detective movie starring a group of fantastic actors and never once called attention to his personal baggage in the process. In other words, is not Bret Ratner.

12. Harrison Ford signed off on Affleck replacing him in the Jack Ryan series. If he’s good enough for Han Solo and Indiana Jones, he’s good enough for me.

13. Why is he a tool because his head and face are kinda simian-esque? McConaughey has T-rex arms. Damon has a fratboy pig nose. Brad Pitt is notoriously smelly. Orlando Bloom is a chick. Keanu is grody to the max. But Affleck is a tool because he has a square jaw? I don’t get it.

14. Even if he DOES wear a hairpiece, who cares? So have Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds, and Bruce Willis, and those guys rule.

15. Like Brad, Matt, George, Matthew or Jude was gonna pull off the animal crackers scene in Armageddon, any better? He had to drag crackers across Liv Tyler’s pudge and make it look sexy. That’s a Herculean task. Laurence Olivier would have been flummoxed. Cary Grant would have called in a stunt double.

16. Campaigns excessively for the Democratic Party, but never once comes off like a Baldwinian hypocrite-twit. Spends time at phone banks doing voter registration, makes speeches at rally’s and works to diminish lobby-influence on politicians. Said this about his own political aspirations: “My fantasy is that someday I’m independently wealthy enough that I’m not beholden to anybody, so I can run for Congress on the grounds that everyday people — be they singers or poets or bankers or lawyers or teachers — should be in government.” That’s honest activism I can get behind.

17. And is an actual TRUE activist, not to mention a good sport.

18. Morgan Freeman likes him (and he’s God!). That’s enough for me.

19. The man may not have the most range, but he can pull off a speech. A couple more You Tube-worthy monologues and he might just be our next Alec Baldwin.

20. Deflected most of the Bennifer hatred by immediately dropping off the tabloid circuit the minute he cut ties with La Lopez. Makes you wonder how much of the Bennifer nonsense was J.Lo’s fault, and not his. After all, do you EVER read Ben and Jen Garner pieces in Us Weekly? (see, I told you I had a good reason for eliminating this foible)

21. And now shows contrition for the hoopla surrounding that relationship and the negative impact it had on his acting career. Contrition! Would a true tool show contrition? I don’t see K. Fed apologizing for Britney. Or Carson Daly apologizing for himself.

22. This is from a report of Ben Affleck at the debut of his wife, Jennifer Garner, on Broadway with Cyrano De Bergerac: “Ben Affleck fought back tears of pride as he jumped to his feet to give his actress wife Jennifer Garner a standing ovation at the close of her official first night on Broadway recently.” The man loves his celebrity wife. How often is that true. Did K-Fed ever cry tears of pride when “Toxic” came on the radio? Does Chris Martin get teary when he watches Gwyneth be bitchy onscreen? Did Ryan Phillipe ever go ballistic in support when Reese would win an award? OK, that last one happened, but only because he was drunk. And is an idiot.

23. Is a great sport about people making fun of him. Example 1: The SNL Mango “Ben Whoffleck” sketch. Example 2: South Park’s skewering of Bennifer: “Taco flavored kisses for my Ben!”

24. Is an open and generous supporter of his homosexual cousin Jason, and has done work for the organization “Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays”. That puts him ahead of Kevin Spacey in my book.

25. Is considered one of the most loyal actors in Hollywood; why else would he agree to do Jersey Girl?

26. Speaking of, can laugh at his own limitations: Apple Sauce, BITCH!

27. His directorial debut was a short film titled “I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her On A Meat Hook, and Now I Have A Three-Picture Deal At Disney”. C’mon, that’s just awesome!

28. Was named People Magazine’s 2002 Sexiest Man Alive. George Clooney’s won twice. So have Brad Pitt and Richard Gere. McConaughey and Damon both have one win. So why is Affleck the tool in the bunch? They’ve all done their share of shitty movies and dated their share of questionable women. At least Affleck has the good grace to seem bemused by the whole thing.

29. His work as Big Bad Donnie Bartalotti in the Boston Teens sketches on SNL. (“I would never zap your lady. For serious, bro!”)

30. If you’ve never heard him do an audio commentary before, remedy that ASAP. He makes sitting through Pearl Harbor a breeze. I particularly like his commentaries for Chasing Amy (“I put on a clinic and my skills are free.”) and Mallrats.

31. Sure he’s made some shitty movies, but hell, it’s not like he’s Nicolas Cage!

32. Just to insure that his stint in rehab for alcoholism would stick, Affleck had legendary abuser Charlie “Ma” Sheen drive him to rehab. The MaSheen behind the wheel would get me to quit drinking, let me tell you. Moreover, has not publicly relapsed like some other celebrities we know and love (ahem, Lindsay). (btw, can you imagine the stories MaSheen must have told him to help him quit drinking. I quote John Turturro from Mr. Deeds: “The hideousness of [MaSheen] will haunt my dreams forever”.)

33. Has realized his time as a bankable leading man have passed him, and wisely decided to do smaller roles in cool ensemble films. Affleck is much more tolerable and likeable in small doses. And with a handlebar mustache (see Aces, Smoking).

34. Started supporting the non-profit organization A-T Childrens Project after he befriended Joe Kindregan, a wheelchair-bound child diagnosed with ataxia-telangiectasia, a rare genetic disease that causes neurological deterioration. Goes above and beyond to improve Joe’s quality of life, including paying for medical bills, taking him to premieres, and sending his family on vacations. Affleck even lobbied Congress for increased research funding. We call Tom Cruise a hero for changing some schmoe’s tire. Affleck is changing this kid’s life. Let’s show some respect.

35. You gotta admit that, regardless of everything else, he was the bomb in Phantoms, yo!

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)